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There was an unexpected knock on the door of their room.
Who could want their attention at this time of night?
Groaning and trying his damnedest to deal with even more fucking pain than usual, Ashton walks to the door, ready to curse out the dumb idiot who wanted to ruin his already shitty night.
Forget how fucked up everything had been ever since Bassuras and Otohan and even finding out that the old man had died before they ever had a chance to say they were wrong about him, he’s just not in the fucking mood to be bothered right now.
He grabs the doorknob and pulls the door open, feeling himself ready to scream at the moron.
As Ashton opens his one good eye to glare at the person… no scream comes out.
How could he scream at the unexpected stranger that showed up at his door this evening?
No. She’s not a stranger. Not anymore.
“Oh. Hey.”
It’s Laudna.
And they must still be scowling at her, because she recoils at the sight of him being righteously pissed off and is giving him such a meek response.
Shit, that’s not what she should be seeing him as.
They clear their throat and cough, desperate to appear at least marginally friendlier than usual.
It’s what she deserves, after… well, you know.
“Sorry,” he manages to say. “I didn’t mean to… Sorry…”
Laudna shakes her head. “No, I’m the one who should be saying that.”
“Hey.”
They reach out and place a hand on her frail, bony shoulder.
Leaving Whitestone, discovering that Old Man Eshteross died… All of that happened today, and the poor girl had only just come back from the dead. Again. After about a week of reliving her fucking worst days ever.
She doesn’t need anything that’s not fun-scary right now.
“Stop apologizing. I just wasn’t expecting you.” They look out into the hallway. “Imogen’s not with you?”
Laudna again shakes her head. “She’s with Letters. Something about wanting to do more dream exploration…” She then pouts a little. “I’m starting to feel like I’m being replaced…”
Ashton sighs and gently ushers Laudna into their room. “Now, now. You’re not being replaced. Everyone’s got shit they can do that others can’t. If you’re still upset about it, bring it up.”
They really, really want to stretch, but it’s just going to hurt yet again. They sit on their bed and watch as Laudna is standing there in the middle of the room.
Even with the dim light in here, Ashton can see that she looks so… small. Smaller than usual. Can’t blame her, given she’s still recovering from being brought back. Honestly, they wish she had more time to rest.
But of course, the urgency of the fucking solstice and Eshteross dying just kept the whole group moving.
Maybe when they take their new ship (because it’s still so fucking unreal that they own a fucking skyship now, but it doesn’t feel great due to how they got it) and travel to Yios, Laudna can get the rest she needs.
Of course, there’s still a whole lotta shit that needs to be addressed. And yet, he doesn’t want to add even more pressure on her shoulders.
She’s had over thirty years of that, yet she’s been doing her best to be positive and upbeat.
Orym was right. Bells Hells wouldn’t feel complete without her darkness. Or her light.
“Hey. C’mere.” They pat a hand onto a spot on the bed next to them. “It’s okay, I won’t bite.”
He only hopes that his attempt at being “playful” comes across as such, because he’s about as cute as a rabid displacer beast. Not the worst thing he’s been called.
Thankfully, it does the trick as they finally see a faint smile come back to Laudna’s face. She walks forward and sits right next to them.
“So… how are you doing, Ashton?”
The question takes them by surprise. “What do you mean? Couldn’t be better. What doesn’t kill me—”
Fuck!
He visibly winces at his fucking big mouth. And right after he reminded himself that Laudna had JUST COME BACK FROM THE FUCKING DEAD! AGAIN!
“Well… better me than you.”
She’s trying so hard to be so blasé about it. Ashton sees right through her.
“No no no, shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…” They cradle their head in their palms, voice muffled as they speak. “Well, how am I doing? I’m a fucking wreck!”
There’s a few moments of silence. Scary silence. And not the fun kind.
And then Laudna’s hand is on their shoulder. The left shoulder. The shoulder that keeps giving him so much fucking grief ever since… that night.
It usually hurts when someone touches it.
There’s something about Laudna’s chilly touch that makes it not hurt as much.
Surprisingly, it helps Ashton calm down a bit.
“It’s all right, Ashton. I’m not offended. I suppose I’m still… processing it.”
They nod. After all, he technically died once too. And he’s STILL not over it.
He doesn’t think he ever will be as long as his pain continues to be present.
“You know what’s fucked up, though? Remember our last conversation before it all went tits up?”
Laudna hums in response. Of course there is no way in the Nine Hells that either of them could forget that moment while in the sandstorm. Ashton had challenged Laudna on how she keeps using her kookiness to hide her problems.
What they weren’t quite expecting is for her to be rather forthright.
Which is why it fucking sucks that it was the last time they talked before she fucking died.
“I remember telling you that ‘I don't think I've seen more than maybe just the first branch of a very big tree’ in regards to your ‘bad shit’. And boy was I fucking right.”
He can hear Laudna’s breath hitch a little. It’s gonna suck, but he’s gotta get it out there.
“I just… wasn’t expecting all of that. I knew it had to be bad, but…”
He had seen Laudna… or perhaps back then she was Matilda, so afraid of everything. From a very young age, no less. Ashton couldn’t help but be reminded of his own youth, being so scared of the whole world being so much bigger and darker.
“We can tell Fresh Cut Grass as much as he wants, as we want, that he does not have to be defined by his past trauma. But what happens when your past trauma does not loosen their grip? What if your trauma doesn't let you forget?”
Laudna/Matilda had spent the better part of over thirty years, fifty-plus both alive and dead, fearing the worst now that she wasn’t “normal”. He’d seen the shades from her memories hunting her down, intent on burning her inside her hideaway. He’d seen her at her loneliest.
And then at the tree… seeing her practically absorbed by it thanks to that fucking ghost-bitch Delilah… that had been too much.
At the very least, unlike before, they didn’t run away at the first sign of trouble. They still can’t forgive themself for that, even if it was to ensure that at least someone would make it out of that fight in Bassuras alive.
What a fucking coward he was being. Staying put to save Laudna from that tree will never be enough to forgive himself for that.
“I will admit, though…” Ashton’s thoughts are grounded by Laudna’s melodic voice lulling him back to a state of calm. “It did feel nice to finally ‘break a few fingers’ of the grip my trauma had on me. I’d been so afraid for so long, I had forgotten how… good my life once was. How good my home once was. And now it’s good again.”
“And so are you. Hopefully.” He takes his arm and holds her close. He’s normally not one for close contact, or for meaningful emotional connection.
But fuck it, the two of them are quite alike, he can partake in a bit of weakness just this once.
Laudna certainly notices this and lets herself relax a bit more. “I think we both have a long way to go still, if we are truly going to be the best broken things we can be.”
“Yeah.”
Ashton doesn’t really say much else after that. They still won’t readily forgive themself for being a coward right away. But maybe one step at a time.
“And for what it’s worth, Ashton…”
“Yeah?”
Laudna just nuzzles their neck. Again, her cool skin acts like a balm to his aching shoulder. “I don’t think we’re past redemption after all. I mean… look at me. The bitch is out of my head at last and… I’ve made peace with my past.”
“That’s true,” Ashton agrees. “Maybe I can do the same thing someday.”
They continue to sit there for a while, content with each other’s company.
There’s still a fuckton to do tomorrow, and in the days ahead. Yios, the solstice, fucking Otohan, this weird moon shit… It all feels like it will never end, just more fucking problems to add to the pile.
But for now, they can at least get to work on the tasks that are the most possible.
And speaking of…
“At some point, if you want to… you can talk to all of us. About everything.”
The room is pitch black by now, the light of Catha already going past the window. But if he were to focus hard enough, he swears he could see a black, inky tear from Laudna’s eyes.
“Eventually. But not tonight. I’m, well…”
“Dead tired?” Ashton tries to pass it off as a joke.
Thankfully, it works as they are rewarded with the most beautiful sound they’ve ever heard in the world.
Laudna’s laughter.
A few moments later, they assume that she wants to head back.
She doesn’t. She ends up keeping him company through the night.
And for once, as he wakes up the very next morning, his pain doesn’t flare up.
It’s the most rested they’ve been in a long while.
And from the looks of it, she feels the same.