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Vi’s running up a sleepy car through a blacktop highway as the clock strikes darkness. It ticks down on the dashboard through the hours, the minutes, and the seconds until her destination. She’s gripping that wheel with a stalwart hold and she’s taking all the swift, hard turns it takes her to get home. She’s driving fast and steady, and she’s got one place in her mind of where she wants to be right now – but her hands are trembling over that leather wheel. Twitches of rumbling apprehension spiking through her hands, loosening her wrists, and her heart beating like a frenzied maelstrom without tame. She’s gripping that wheel with all the might she’s got in her body and in her spirit, but that fear raps her mind and threatens to loosen that toughened grip. It isn’t going to stop until she arrives at where she needs to be, at where she always needs to return to, and she’s scared. Scared that her heart’s going to barrel a straight ride out from her chest and leave off onto the dark of this highway she’s riding on.
Another hour ticks by, and the anxiety inflames even further. She’s fearing its zenith – where her grip is thrown awry – and so she rides ever so faster. Pumping up her mileage, picking up those numbers on the measure until she’s shaving seconds off, and inevitably minutes. She’s got it in her head that it only takes seconds for something to collapse; there are too many men in this world who can attest to seeing the greatest of goodness sag and slump, and then vanish as blasted dust carried far away. And of the men still chasing the good sights and visions that step back as they step forward, they’re the type of people that scare Vi. She doesn’t hate them, but she’s just scared at what she sees in them, and it keeps her foot heavy on that pedal.
As she drives, she’s got a story in her mind that a friend detailed to her. He had the brightest of smiles on his face, and it’d be hard not to guess that he just won it big. He’s a man of risk and wonder, and he told her about the greatest risk he’d ever taken in his life and the greatest payout he’s ever had. He doesn’t start listing items or places of opulence and wealth that he belongs to, at least in the material realm. He’s instead bucolic like the rest of them through and through, and so he tells her about the risk and wonder of his spirit. The hands he’s placed that spirit into – through their gentle or inimical touch – made him the man he was today, and now he’s put them in the most tender hands he knows. Whenever he spoke, she could hear the whimsy in his tone and the kick of his spirit shining bright. He told her that he had a reason to come home early that night, and a reason to come back home early every night. He’s got people waiting for him and he says that they’re interminable. He was still a risky man all in all, but he seemed far more elated from that point on whenever he talked about his bets.
When Vi spoke to her friend of his spirit she couldn’t help but see vistas. Vistas of the effervescent rivers, streams, and the clear sky up above in the distant mountains. She thought of them and their calming amenity, and the lone wolf that inhabited the mountains under the canopy of high-reaching timber trees. The fantastical callings of the wilderness, of the wild untamed earth and its resounding mystical melody that called to her made Vi anxious a time ago. The wolf travelling fast through the lands that he and he alone owns as the wild, unrestrained sovereign that is without chains or worries. But when Vi hears the light of her friend's stories she doesn’t feel so anxious about her removal from the prospects of the wild, she just learns to appreciate them from where she is. And whenever such feelings enter her body, she calmly lets them down. She’s got a girl waiting for her, and she’s tiring for her. Tonight, she just wants to make it home.
The further Vi drives the more fear she feels in her heart. The shakiness and trepidation continued to mount in the dead of the night, and there were no other people out on the road she’s riding. The wayside of the road kicks up leaves littering the path – it’s always a windy night out on the highway. Vi has her headlights lighting the road before her, and her only confidence comes from having ridden down this road countless times before. She knows all the circuitous twists and turns this road could take her on; if she wasn’t firm of mind and direction, she could easily be led astray onto some desolate road leading into the darkened horizon, and an unknown frontier. She knows the path that she’s travelling and where the wind was taking her, but this highway continued to be unnerving and uncanny. Dark shadows lurking, displaced bumps out there in the night, and she never knew where any of it comes from. She knows she’s got a long night ahead of her, and an even longer drive, but she’s taking that drive regardless.
Vi passes alongside a rivulet travelling in unison with the wayside of the road. It led her to a stream riven through her pathway, and a bridge she crossed that led her to another road split off from the highway. The stream caught the moonlight up above and it gleamed silver light into her eyes, and the howl of the wind bellowing up the stream caught her ear. However, Vi didn’t mind this. She’s not scared of what’s out on the highway, or what’s laying down at the side of the road of where she’s going – she’s only scared of what she’s got to lose at home. She’s scared of getting lost, she’s scared of being alone forevermore on an aimless highway, and she’s scared of there being nothing at the end of the road she’s on. Vi was praying that it would all be there, and it gave her strength to continue driving towards her uncertainty.
Vi would have to confess that she isn’t very congenial, or a person that can know and hold a good thing when she’s got it. Too many things in her life have slipped through the cracks of her fingers, and she’s left picking through the despondent pieces of goodness. She’s not always the most empathetic person and doesn’t know how to be one at times. She wants to respect the boundaries, desires, and needs of the people she values but being unable to know those needs is what frightens her most. She can’t pose that question to someone – she doesn’t know the right words. She doesn’t know how to ask if she’s enough, to be reassured that she’s loved for all she is. To ask if she’s attentive enough, to ask if she’s too crude, to ask someone how to dance properly. She doesn’t always know how to tell a truth from a lie, to tell genuine from duplicitous, and that’s something that scares her deeply.
Most months of the year Vi is away. She travels for long days and long nights, and she’s not always back in time to see her girl put to bed right. She’s rambunctious and mulish, and there’s always some fight out there for Vi that she must see to. It draws her out far, draws her out further than any devoted lover should be from their loved one. It takes a lot of work for Vi to keep herself close, and sometimes she feels like she’s going to split away, and that it’s all going to tear. And she can never know when that’s going to happen; whether one day she wakes up, and everything has fallen through. Too many minutes spent away, too much time spent distant. These things that Vi must do for them to keep on living, and for her to feel at peace with herself, she doesn’t know if that weight is too much to resolve.
Even when Vi’s afraid, she still finds herself driving. She’s still speeding down that highway with her speed undulating from fast to faster, and she’s not going to stop in fear of any chastising on these roads. She knows her limits, and she’s pushing them to make it back in time. And even when those veering roads call to her – highways to take her out into the wilderness and unburden her from that fear – she’s still riding along the one she knows. Vi won’t deny that she’s got dreams along those roads, some youthful and some mature, that could be waiting for her at the end. Another chance to roll for a new place, a new face, a new love in your life to hold for however transient that dream may be. But she’s going to keep on riding this road and she’s not going to be shaken from it.
Years ago, she’d have been captured completely and taken away by those dreams. Throughout all her life she feared those dreams that remain as such become a sickening hollowness in your spirit to spell pyretic death. That’s what she’d glean from the beliefs of those working men around her, but there was always a serious death in their own eyes that eternal longing wasn’t going to mend. She’d dream herself sometimes of her dreams, and of the hollowness they could bring. But one night, Vi shut all those dreams out. Her mind pregnable, and her heart unarmed, she felt the light of eternal grace fill her and chase all those hallow dreams away. That light wasn’t the detritus of a dream to follow to unfulfilling ends, nor the call of a distant beckoning from the lonesome forest, nor was it the breathless wind of a grey, barren field. Vi knew it was her, and only her. It woke her up in a cold sweat, but she felt new vigour in her body, and she knew she had to be home.
Vi left in the morning light down the highway and continued along until she arrived at where she needed to be. The home that the two of them built in a quaint town they had known all their lives. They hadn’t strayed or travelled far from what they had known, but in this moment Vi could feel the wonder of the entire world close to her.
Vi pulled up at the house and alighted from her car that she now put to rest. She grabbed something from the backseat before she walked to the front door of the house. She jostled a pair of keys in her hands and unlocked the door. Her heart filled with a tumult of fear, and it was hard for her to take that first step inside. Everything she feared flashed in her mind for a brief second, and she could still hear that call from the world behind her. And although she was afraid deeply, she took that first step forward. Her step wasn’t done in fear or acquiescence, but it was resolved to make that final decision. She didn’t know whether that fear would shake from her mind entirely, or whether she’d be scared on a highway in the middle of the night once more. But she was willing to take that step and put faith into all that she held dear, to commit herself to it.
Vi walked into their home after taking that first step. She ambled through the entrance, and through the halls of the house and scanned all about. It was quiet but Vi wasn’t afraid. She looked across the house, and throughout all the rooms. She kept on looking with assurance in her mind, remembering the fond memories of their home and of her love. But a realisation struck Vi, and she knew exactly where she would find what she had always been looking for. The one she searched for was always in the same place, waiting for however long it would take for Vi to return. Vi entered their living room and lying askew on a leather couch was Caitlyn. A weight was lifted from Vi’s heart, and she happily stepped forward with a smile on her face. She knew that Caitlyn would be there, yet she couldn’t be more thankful for anything in her life.
Vi stepped behind the couch and snuck an arm over, brushing her hand up against Caitlyn’s soft cheek. Caitlyn roused slightly and her sleeping eyes rustled open. Vi leaned her head over the couch and stared Caitlyn in the eye, saying, “You sleep like that you’re going to hurt your neck.”
Caitlyn’s eyes opened wide, and she smiled in turn. She drowsily pulled herself up and said, “Welcome back. How late is it?”
“Close to twelve o’clock.”
“Sorry, I must have ended up drifting off. How was work? Everything going well downstate?”
Vi walked to the side of the couch, and placed one hand over Caitlyn’s shoulder, with the other holding something behind her back. Her skin was smooth and flawless – it was deeply calming for Vi. The grace of feeling her presence was a soulful remedy, and it ameliorated the pain of Vi’s body and heart. Vi pulled Caitlyn closer until she could feel the warmth of her back against her breast, and the soft silken feeling of her hair against her cheek. And in that instant, it was all worth it for Vi.
A light blush came across Caitlyn’s face, as she exclaimed, “Oh! A strenuous week, was it?”
“Yeah, it was.” Caitlyn embraced Vi’s arm into her chest and tilted her head so they could look each other in the eye. “Would you mind holding me, just for a little while?”
Caitlyn obliged as they both loosened their bodies and allowed themselves to be healed by their conjoint warmth. A beautiful, elegant girl who sailed her worries and anxieties about life away, who gave gentleness and familiarity to any dark edge of this world. Vi knew she would worry for this girl, that she couldn’t resist but fear for what she would be without her. And maybe one day this warmth will grow cold, and the walls of this home listless without love. But if it all meant that she could hold the woman she loved in her arms, on this day, in this moment, she knew it would be alright.
Vi reached her other arm around and placed a bouquet of resplendently coloured flowers in Caitlyn’s lap. It was a beauty to enrich hers, and she took it into her arms with a smile that graced Vi’s life.
“Oh, you really shouldn’t have Vi. These are absolutely beautiful – thank you,” Caitlyn said while embracing Vi closer.
“It’s still today, so happy Valentine’s Day, Cait.”
They embraced each other in unison and slept that night in each other’s arms. Vi wanted Caitlyn to hold her closer, to tell her that she’d be forever hers. Without the bitterness of life or a distant dream, without the fear and the darkness of a lonely highway, just to have and to hold her for today.
Won’t you be my lonely valentine?