Chapter Text
“…Only eaten half a sandwich today, as far as I know...”
“This is the worst I’ve seen her recently…”
Depression sucks, Caitlyn thought before she briefly closed her eyes and tried to block out Ellie and Janet’s voices as they approached her room. Now she understood what Janet meant when she said that when she first started recovery, it seemed as if people talked about her like she wasn’t there Yep. I’m well aware I’m not eating, she wanted to say . I don’t want to do anything. Just leave me to stare at the wall. Maybe I’ll tell Mom not to waste her time.
“Hey babe,” Ellie opened the bedroom door. “Look who’s here.”
Janet walked in, and Caitlyn sighed and nodded her thanks to Ellie. She noticed her mom glancing around her room, taking a particular interest in the messy nightstand. It was currently piled up with used tissues, and the box was over half empty. Among the pile were her antidepressants and a bottle of Tylenol, as well as an unopened bag of pretzels. Her worry that she was being scrutinized made her head and heart pound.
“You’re here,” Caitlyn said to Janet, breathing a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry I called you at the hospital; I know you said only for emergencies…I wasn’t sure if this was one. I needed someone. I mean, I have Ellie…but she needs a break. I can’t…I mean, I don’t want to…let’s just say I hate being alone when I’m like this.
"And I want to be held. I usually don’t want to when I’m depressed. But this feels different. I need a hug…maybe to rest my head on someone’s lap, anything. I’m desperate.”
Janet started to move closer to her daughter’s bed, as if asking for permission to come close, and offered her hand, which Caitlyn accepted before slowly sitting up. Even though her whole body ached, the small movement helped her feel a little more awake.
“It’s OK. You don’t need to say anything else or apologize.” Janet sat next to her and wrapped her arms on Caitlyn’s shoulders. “But if you do want to keep talking, I’m here. Say as much or as little as you want.
“That said, I’m worried because before today, I hadn’t heard much from you since you stayed over a few weeks ago. What’s going on?”
“I started feeling guilty again about reading your journals,” Caitlyn replied. “When I was telling my sponsor what happened, I guess…I don’t know. Sorry; I can barely think.” She put a hand to her head and tried to compose herself before continuing.
“I fell apart when I told her what I read and how hurt and surprised you were that I went there. I know you forgave me and we talked after, but the mistake just hung over my head longer than I thought it would. I felt like I couldn’t call you and go on like everything was OK or come visit and look you in the eye after I did that.
“I’ve been catastrophizing too. I know there’s always a risk that you’ll slip or relapse if there’s a perfect storm, and I couldn’t help but imagine it happening. You already mentioned in your journals how overwhelmed you felt trying to balance motherhood and recovery. I imagined what would happen if my reading opened old wounds and caused you to start drinking again. What if I called and you were drunk and pushing me away or fighting with me. I’d be abandoned all over again. That kind of thing. The thought of it made me feel so out of control and made everything worse. I know it sounds stupid to you because of how long you’ve been sober. You want to tell me to stop being so ridiculous and that none of that will ever happen, I’m sure.”
“No, I don’t,” Janet assured her. “Even though I believe in my recovery, I know there’s always a chance I could relapse, and I can’t promise to myself or to anyone that I won’t. If I brushed off your concerns, I’d be lying to you.
"Do you want to talk through this? We can break things down into smaller pieces.”
“I don’t know how much of a place I’m in to be calm and rational.”
“All right. We can put that on hold until you feel better. Let me ask you this: Was this the only thing that triggered an episode? Or is something else going on? I want to understand so I can help you and know what to look out for.”
“I mean, me screwing up didn’t help, but I usually feel worse in the winter. It starts around the holidays when I get stressed out from all the rushing around and shopping, not to mention…I’m sure you can relate to this at work. Everyone wants off around the holidays. I don’t mind working Christmas, but I still want to make sure I get to celebrate too. It feels like I have to fight for my time off. Then after Christmas, it just feels like there’s nothing but cold and gray. That brings me down.
"And now I undid all this hard work after everything. We’ve had six good months together, and it seems like we’re back at square one. And this is all my fault.”
“You didn’t undo anything. You’re still my daughter, and I love you. I’m not giving up on you.” She rubbed Caitlyn’s back and let her cry into her shoulder.
“Look, if I don’t acknowledge any of your attempts to console me, it’s because nothing makes sense,” Caitlyn explained. “Even though you’re saying you love me, I don’t comprehend that when I’m depressed because I feel like I’m hurting myself and everyone around me.”
“That’s fair. So when you say nothing makes sense, do you mean what Ellie or I might say to you? Or do you have trouble grasping other things too?”
“Well, like I told you in the past, before I got diagnosed, I was kind of drifting. Like I tried to go to class or lab, but I was aimless. I just sort of wandered through, you know? Right now, I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by everything and everyone I’m ignoring. My brain is like this jumbled mess of thoughts and pictures that I can’t put together. Even making a grocery list feels like a Herculean task.”
“I know this is a cliche question, but can I help you with anything?” Janet asked. “Like that grocery list or any chores? You know I love to clean; I don’t mind taking a spray bottle or a mop and chipping in. Or I can get you a favorite meal.”
“I’m not that hungry. Those pretzels on my nightstand…Ellie brought them to me because I think she was trying to help. But I just can’t look at them.”
“You do seem a little weaker than usual. Oh…yeah. Didn’t you tell me you tend to get physical symptoms with your depression?”
“Unfortunately. I’m not sure if I hate that or the emotional stuff more. I get stomach aches the most. It can be hard to tell if I’m hungry or in actual pain, but it’s definitely uncomfortable. I tend to stop stretching and exercising, so I don’t feel as strong. Occasional headaches too…and sometimes a fever for no reason. My temp was slightly over 100 this morning. Psychogenic, I guess. My body just falls apart.”
“Do you want me to check you out or take you to the doctor?”
“Neither. The poking and prodding are too uncomfortable for me right now. I don’t want to send up any false flags because I’m wincing and debating telling anyone to get away from me.
“I just feel so alone,” Caitlyn looked away. “So few people really seem to ‘get’ depression. I mean, you and Dad understand. And Ellie. But sometimes I think even Drew is confused. Not to mention how many people don’t want to be my friend because they don’t realize I can’t force myself to be happy.”
“A mental illness is lonely,” Janet said. “I know. I’ve lived it. I’ve lost friendships. Ruined my marriage. There were times I don’t know how I stayed sober because I felt so unsupported and like no one wanted to be around me because they assumed I was too dangerous. Or that I was just drinking too much and never grew out of being a party girl. I felt like I was on an island.
“But I wasn’t alone. I had a great sponsor who I still love and miss dearly ever since she passed. I go to AA meetings where I’m surrounded by people just like me who want to get help and improve their lives. I go to church and have friends there; we read and pray together. You’re never lonely if you choose the right people to support you, whether that’s two or twenty.”
“How do you cope, though?” Caitlyn asked.
“With what?”
“With feeling lonely. I mean, especially since you didn’t remarry. You don’t wish you had a husband who would love you and support you consistently? Or someone to celebrate holidays with? It must suck to go home to an empty house after a long day, knowing nobody is waiting for you.”
“It’s hard to answer that. What works for me may not work for you. But I like to stay busy so I don’t think too much about it. Even at home, I’d rather find a book to read or try a new recipe. If I need to vent or I’m thinking of someone, I’ll call them. I do text sometimes, but I find it much easier to connect with a phone call. I try not to think too hard about living alone because I get inside my own head too much and feel sad, and that’s a trigger for me, a sign that I need to get to a meeting.”
“You spiral too?” Caitlyn gave her a surprised look.
“Sometimes, yes. It was part of the reason why I fainted. I was having a bad day and got too focused on everything going wrong, which led to me neglecting myself and going hungry, and then…well, we know what happened. But I’m a human being, and I still get worried or stressed sometimes.”
“Still, reading and trying new food sounds better than what I do,” Caitlyn sighed. “I cry constantly. Or I stay home and isolate for a bit.”
“Nothing wrong with a good cry. Like I said, my coping tools aren’t yours. And that’s fine. Plus, sometimes I’ll sob for a while too if things are feeling particularly stressful.”
Caitlyn realized Janet wasn’t there to lecture or tell her what to do. She genuinely wanted to be supportive and not undermine her. It made her feel safer than even Ellie could earlier when they snuggled on the couch, even if Ellie was just as good of a listener and support person. It helped that Janet had walked in similar shoes.
“You know, maybe you’re more like me than I thought,” Caitlyn admitted. “I used to think that I wasn’t like you because we have two different personalities and ways of seeing the world. You’re too stubborn and don’t always like accepting help, but I’m always asking others the best way to handle something. I’m unsure of myself; your ego couldn’t be any bigger.”
“Excuse me; I resent that.” Janet winked at her.
“I know you do. But…we both have demons we’re trying to overcome and keep out of our lives. We both feel afraid and maybe alone at times, even if ‘alone’ and how we deal with that looks different. And…we have a lot of love for our family. Even when I was angry at you, I dreamed of us having a normal relationship. I wanted to drop everything the day you were in the ER. I never stopped caring about you; I just needed time for my anger to heal. And I’ve been able to see over these last several months how much you love me. You ran right over here as soon as I called. You took me back into your life without question and forgave me for invading your privacy.”
“You and Drew are everything to me; that’s why I wanted us to reconnect,” Janet said. “As far as your mistake…trust me, I’ve screwed up plenty. I also feel that a lot of us do things that hurt others and have to learn hard lessons at some point, but I don’t hold grudges as long as someone understands why they were wrong and is willing to correct themselves going forward.”
Caitlyn sighed and nestled her head into Janet’s shoulder again. “I’m getting really tired now,” she murmured. “I want to go back to sleep.”
“Do you want me to go home?”
“No. Please stay until I wake up. I want to get out of here afterward.”
“Why don’t we go get some coffee?”
“Hot chocolate maybe. I’ll see how I feel about eating when I wake up.”
“Sounds delicious. I’ll drive. Do you need anything in particular to help you sleep?”
“Can you get an extra blanket off the shelf in my closet? It’s a fleece blanket with Mickey Mouse. I still love Disney.”
“You always did,” Janet walked to the closet and brought the blanket back. “Do you want this first before you pull up the comforter?”
“Yeah.” Janet smiled and unfolded the blanket before putting it over Caitlyn. “How’s that?” she asked.
“Nice and warm.” Caitlyn grabbed the hem of her comforter and turned over. “I have no idea how long I’ll be asleep, but can you stay? And wake me if you have to leave?”
“Of course. But I took the rest of the day off, so I hopefully won’t have to worry about that.”
Caitlyn nodded and rubbed her eyes. “Thanks.” Then she closed her eyes, and it wasn’t long before she drifted off for a nap.
About an hour later, the door opened, and Ellie walked in.
“Is everything…” she started to ask before noticing Janet was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room.
“Shhh…” Janet looked up from her planner and gestured to a sleeping Caitlyn, who didn’t move. She was still resting, having just gone back to sleep after realizing she wanted to listen to white noise on her earbuds.
“Oooh, sorry,” Ellie said, lowering her voice to a whisper. “She sleeps a lot when she’s depressed. I remember that sometimes before her diagnosis she’d stay in bed most of the day.”
“Anyway, do you need anything?”
“No, I’m fine. She asked me to stay until she woke up and she decided she wants to get out of here for a little bit once she does. I think we’re going for hot chocolate. Does she normally need a change of scenery when she’s like this?”
“No, not really. I can’t even get her to go to the grocery store with me when she’s having an episode. You must have done something right. As long as you’re OK. I know caring for someone with depression can be tiring.”
“I’m an addict,” Janet laughed. “I’m the very definition of exhausting others. Cait needs compassion; I’m here to give it to her. She was grateful to you too for staying with her until I could get here.”
“She always acknowledges when she can’t be by herself. I give her credit,” Ellie said. “Well, I’ll leave you go then, but let me know if you want to trade places or need to get going or anything.”
“I’m not leaving. Cait asked me not to, so this is my spot until further notice.”
Janet looked back over at Caitlyn again and sighed. She didn’t want to wake her, but if anything, she just wanted to give her another hug and let her know everything was going to be OK.