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More often than not, Caitlyn struggled in January. The holiday celebrations were over, and slowly but surely, her neighbors were taking down colorful Christmas lights and leaving their trees out on the lawn to be picked up by the streets and sanitation department. Not to mention it was still getting dark around 5:00, and she hated going to work on second shift knowing that there was only another hour or two of light for her to glimpse at while she checked on her young patients. On the bright side, they were usually happy to see her, which helped her get through her shift even when she was feeling sad on the inside.
She didn’t have to worry about that today, at least. It was Tuesday, one of her normal days off, and she was taking advantage of being alone while Ellie was at work to put her room in order for the new year. She had made a resolution to declutter and was only just getting started, so she lined up some boxes to pack up any novelties or decorations she no longer wanted. She was planning to donate them to Goodwill or throw them away if they weren’t in reusable condition.
Suddenly, she felt like she needed some more time to prepare for the task ahead, and she sat down on her bed. Her eyes wandered, and they eventually landed on a photo board on her wall. She hadn’t quite made the transition to all digital photos because she still liked having printed ones to look at when she was having a bad day or just needed a mental boost.
Among the pictures of her and Ellie, or her and her father, she had some new images. She simultaneously smiled and blinked back tears as she looked at them. There was one of her, her mother, and Drew on the Lake Michigan pier when he visited at Christmas, arms around each other and all smiles for the first time in years. She looked at another picture, this one of her and Janet in front of a Christmas tree in the living room, both of them holding mugs of hot chocolate. Ellie had taken it while wearing what Caitlyn could only describe as the ugliest holiday sweater she’d ever seen, which helped the smiles come naturally. Then, her and her mother posing after they’d decided to get their hair done together, with fresh cuts and color. Janet had paid, even after Caitlyn tried to insist it wasn’t necessary.
“I want my kids to have the best now,” Janet responded that day, pushing back. It was clear that she still felt bad for any mistakes she made as a mother when Caitlyn and Drew were younger, and she truly wanted to spend as much time with them as she could despite their different schedules and the fact that Drew lived and went to school in Ohio. Treating them to dinner or another special experience on occasion was important to her too.
Caitlyn briefly laughed recalling their battle of wills, and she decided she wanted to share what was on her mind. She reached for her phone and called her mom, not sure if Janet would actually pick up. It was always hard to tell what her workday would bring, even if her schedule seemed predictable.
“Cait, hi,” Janet answered after picking up on the second ring.
“Hi Mom. Did I call you at a good time?”
“Believe it or not…you did. I came home early today. I had a counseling appointment this afternoon, and I decided to just take some personal time after. My sinuses have been bothering me more lately anyway, so I wanted to get some rest too.”
“You went to counseling?” Caitlyn was both surprised and excited that her mom had embraced the idea after practically needing to be pushed into therapy just a few months ago.
“I did. When you told me about everything it had done for you, I realized…I could only benefit from having another tool for recovery. And I need help being more vulnerable and talking things out, expressing my emotions more…I know you want me to do that. So, I will give it an effort, especially since I want to take care of myself more this year. That’s why I decided to relax for the rest of today, too.
Unfortunately, though, I don’t know if I like this counselor that much. I’ll give her another chance, but it doesn't seem like a match.”
“Yeah, that’s the hard part,” Caitlyn said. “It took me a few appointments and consultations with other therapists until I met Kathleen. I knew after my first session with her that we could work well together. You’ll find someone; you just need a therapist who has the right approach to help you meet your goals, but I’m glad you’re letting down your walls. I’m proud of you, Mom.
“And sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope you get better soon. Sinus pain can be brutal.”
“Why thank you. So, what else is going on?”
“Well, I know this sounds really random, but I was trying to organize my room and I needed some extra energy. I sat down and just let my mind wander and I was looking at the photos of us I had printed. I think I told you that…how I was going to put them on a board on my wall.”
“I’m pretty sure I remember you saying that,” Janet told her with a smile in her voice. “I have the one from the pier on my desk at work.”
“Yeah. And it just makes me happy to have pictures of us now, where I look forward to being with you and making memories. I never had that before, you know? We would take a picture and it was like, maybe I could be close to you now and this will be a jumping-off point as the time it all got better. The hope didn’t last back then, but this time…I’m so happy I could literally cry.”
“Oh stop. You’re going to make me do that too.” Janet started laughing, but Caitlyn could tell she was trying not to cry.
“You are supposed to be expressing yourself, remember?” Caitlyn teased.
“You got me there.”
“I know it sounds silly to call you and tell you I was looking at pictures,” Caitlyn continued. “But I’m just so grateful for the time we have now and I don’t want to miss anything. When I first decided to forgive you, I had a minute of wondering if I did the right thing or if I was being impulsive because it was my birthday and I was happy. But I wouldn’t have these if I hadn’t taken that step, and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate the work you’ve done so far and that we were able to celebrate the holidays together on a peaceful and happy note.”
There was some silence on the other end of the line, as if Janet was gathering her thoughts.
“That means a lot to me,” she finally said. “You know, I think of how long I’ve been sober, and some people just assume I’m cured because I have 13 years of sobriety, like my journey is over. And I always tell them it isn’t. This is a lifestyle, and part of that for me is keeping positive relationships with my friends and family. I’m grateful too…not only to have you and Drew again but for the chance you both gave me to start fresh and form a new relationship. God knows you didn’t have to.
“You’ve been working hard too. To make sure we spend enough time together and to call me when I forget to reach out to you, and you’re in therapy. You’re doing all the work to mend your relationship with Drew without me and your father getting involved. I’m proud of you just as well.”
“Not to mention you only have another month—if that—until your 14th birthday,” Caitlyn reminded her, referring to Janet’s upcoming sobriety milestone. “You can do it. You’re so close.”
“I have you and your brother to keep me going. I try hard to always think of you two when things get rough. But sometimes I’ll hit up extra meetings when my birthday is close so I can find motivation to hang on.”
“Is there anything I can do to give you a push? Like do you want any motivational texts or anything like that in the days and weeks coming up?”
“You are still coming to the birthday meeting next month, right?” Janet asked. “Drew’s not sure if he can get here but he’ll try. I know it’s hard when he has a six-hour drive after class on Friday and traffic is heavy, and then the same distance back on Monday. I don’t want to pressure him into missing classes when spring break is the week after.”
“I get it. But don’t worry, I’m coming. I just made a note not to switch shifts that day if anyone asks me.”
“Thank you. That helps and will mean a lot. Beyond that, no one’s asked me what they can do for me before my birthday, so it’s tough to say…”
“We could get together soon,” Caitlyn offered. “I’m off Sunday through Tuesday right now.”
“How about a Sunday breakfast? I’d suggest dinner on one of the weekdays but if we had to cancel because I got stuck at work late, I’d feel bad. Although, if you prefer Monday or Tuesday, you can come by the hospital for lunch or coffee if you’d like. I’ll make time.”
“No, breakfast sounds great. The last time you said you’d make time at work you got paged for an emergency and we had to cancel anyway.”
“You’re right. I unfortunately can’t count on being left alone for too long.” They both laughed.
“How about this Sunday?” Janet suggested.
“Sure. I don’t have any plans; just not too early if possible so I can get enough sleep after work. If I can do something to encourage you in the meantime or you want me to bring anything that would help, just let me know.”
“I really appreciate that. Spending time with my loved ones always makes me feel good, and Drew said he’s going to make more of an effort to call the family during the semester, so we all have our goals for the new year, it sounds like. But yes, I’ll reach out if I need help.
“I’m very glad you called, Caitlyn. Thank you.”
“I’m trying not to be a stranger,” Caitlyn said. “If I see or hear anything that makes me think of you, I want you to know about it. And don’t you be one either.”
She signed, wishing she didn’t have to hang up. “Well, I guess I’d better get back to sorting my closet and making sure I clean any old food out of the fridge. Or Ellie will.”
“Please do that. You know me. I don’t like clutter, so I’m going to tell you to take care of yours. And look after yourself, OK? I’m here if you want to talk; I know you said this is a hard time of year for you sometimes.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you Sunday. Let me know where you want to go and I’ll meet you there.”
“It’s a date. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Caitlyn put her phone down and looked up at the pictures again before realizing that if she sat any longer, she’d get lazy and have to force herself to work on her closet.
Still, having her family intact again sure made it easier for her to appreciate the fresh start a new year always brought.