Work Text:
Day four.
I just got up from a nap, and I actually feel…somewhat refreshed? I guess.
I’ve been at Mom’s the last three nights and am still out of work. I’ve spent a lot of it sleeping, staring at the TV, and generally feeling blah. My stomach kind of hurts too. I brought my sketchbook and dance bag with me, but I haven’t even touched them. All things considered, this is one of my milder episodes, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to deal with this before Christmas.
Mom’s doing her best to take care of me, but she still has to work and has been trying to squeeze in extra AA meetings. She says even after all these years of recovery, the holidays can still be hard at times. I’m not about to fault her for going. She needs to be strong too, and I’d rather be left alone a little while longer than see her slip or relapse…
Anyway. Mom’s been calling me from work the last two days and running through the same old questions…am I eating? Can I handle being alone? What else have I been doing? She gives me smaller portions of food at meals and stores any leftovers in case I get hungry later. She expects little of me right now except basic cleaning up if I do eat. So I’m grateful for that.
Luckily today is Saturday and we’ve had some extra time together. After breakfast, I ended up telling her how bad I feel and just started to cry, and she hugged me and said some reassuring words. My depression is like a grinch. Determined to ruin my Christmas. Maybe I can convince it to have a heart and love Christmas again before Drew comes home for the holidays.
Caitlyn snapped her journal shut and let out a heavy breath. She had arrived at Janet’s condo on Wednesday, her depression exacerbated by holiday stress and gray skies. It wasn’t that Ellie couldn’t help her or didn’t care about her, but Caitlyn had a key to the condo for a reason. She just wanted company while she regrouped and dealt with a down period. Being with her mother and writing down her feelings was helping.
Rubbing her eyes, she noticed a set of towels and some toiletries had been left on the dresser while she was sleeping. Caitlyn slowly got up and shuffled over, noticing there was a note on top of the stack:
I had to go to the grocery store and finish up some other shopping. I left these here just in case you decide to shower.
I don’t know what kind of shampoo you use, but this is all I had in the closet. If it doesn’t work, call me and I’ll pick up something else. I’ll sit with you when I get home, if you want me to, of course.
XOXO, Mom
Caitlyn smiled at Janet’s thoughtful gesture and picked up the towels and toiletries. There wasn’t quite a spring in her step as she headed to the shower and turned up the hot water, but this was the most energetic she’d felt in the last week.
The door opened while Caitlyn was watching TV after her shower. She had managed to put on a hoodie and a pair of leggings, and she still had one of the towels wrapped around her head.
“I’m back!” Janet announced. “Did you rest OK? You didn’t even flinch when I dropped the towels off.”
“Honestly, this is the best I’ve felt since last week, even if that’s not saying much. I haven’t heard back from Kathleen yet, but I’m pretty sure she’ll want to see me next week if she has room in her schedule. And I called my boss and let her know I want to go to therapy before I go back to work, and she was really supportive of that, like she always is. She said the other nurses have a card for me when I get back, so that was really sweet.”
“Good job. Take care of yourself.”
Janet walked over to the couch. “Can I join you?”
‘Sure.” Caitlyn leaned into her once she had settled in. “How was shopping?”
“Oh, you know. Wall-to-wall traffic, people not watching where they’re walking, long lines. In other words, just another Christmas season. I don’t know why I continue to do this; I really should just do most of my shopping online. I am running out of patience.
“But I do have a surprise for you. I didn’t know if you were up for baking right now, so I got a package of chocolate chip cookies, and if you want one, I thought I could make some tea to have with them. Did you try to eat while I was gone?”
“No, but the stomachache seems to be hunger pangs today. Can I try eating something light before we open the cookies?”
“Of course.” Janet got up and headed to the kitchen. “You can have the last banana or I have some vanilla yogurt in the refrigerator. Or both?”
“Both sound really good together.”
While Caitlyn was waiting for her snacks, her eyes wandered to the Christmas tree she’d helped Janet and Drew decorate after Thanksgiving, when she was still feeling happier and more hopeful for the holidays. She desperately wished she could recapture that feeling. But she knew she had to take it one step at a time, so she decided to just focus on slowly eating the banana.
“You know,” she said to Janet. “It means a lot that you’re letting me stay here, and you’re doing a lot. I just hate that I’m feeling bad so close to Christmas. I always enjoy the season, and we had one good holiday last year for the first time in ages, and now this year I feel like crap and depressed and everything. It’s my second notable episode this year, which makes it feel worse too.”
“Well, yes, it is a setback,” Janet agreed. “But honey, I told you, I understand how you feel. I struggle with holidays too; that’s why I went to an extra meeting on Thursday. I’ve had days in November and December where I’ve come home and cried or stared at the ceiling while I try to sleep. Christmas isn’t a Hallmark card for everyone and it’s not easy navigating holidays when you’re in recovery, though it has gotten a little better over the years. But I try to tell myself that even though Christmas seems to start earlier every year, it’s technically only one day on the calendar, and when it’s over, I can breathe. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I love January. I’ve survived the holidays and my mind feels more settled, plus a new year makes me feel optimistic. I don’t have to worry about what happened last year anymore and can start fresh.
“I’m sure you’re wondering what my point is. So, even when you feel like you should be happy, like you should be thrilled about eating chocolate chip cookies with me or excited because Christmas is coming, sometimes we struggle. And there’s nothing wrong with getting overwhelmed and needing to rest, or some extra support. But you’ll get through this.
“We’ll find a way to enjoy the season. If you want me to keep the tree up until February and tell Drew to find a weekend to come home so we can celebrate Christmas on Valentine’s Day, we will. If you need to stay here until the new year, then I’m happy to have you and we’ll drink Coke from glass bottles at midnight like we did last year. It’ll work out. We can enjoy ourselves in small ways until you get better…and you will, so don’t trick yourself into thinking this is forever. Nothing is.”
“Thanks.” Caitlyn squeezed her hand. “I love you.”
Janet looked up at the towel on Caitlyn’s head. “Need help with your hair?”
“I’ll get my comb.”