Chapter Text
Viserys: Hello, My name is Viserys Targaryen, I’m the owner of Targaryen enterprises and the head of this household. I love all my children and only want what’s best for my family and I think this production will bring us all closer together.
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Aegon, Aemond, Luke, and Jace are all near the pool on the side across from Viserys, all in swimsuits and fighting. From the sidelines Rhaenrya and Alicent are yelling at them to stop before someone accidentally drowns and Criston Cole has to jump in the water at one point to save Luke who has fallen in and doesn’t know how to swim. All the while Viserys watches them with a smile on his face and bottle of tequila in hand.
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Alicent: My name is Alicent Hightower-Targaryen, and I’m Viserys’ wife. This production is unnecessary and a waste of our time.
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“Viserys.” Alicent squawks to a half drunk Viserys Targaryen. The camera pans from the man’s half lidded eyes then back to a frazzled Alicent. “You want cameras to follow our every waking moment and invade the privacy of everyone in this house? Are you even aware of what half of them get up to in their spare time! This is the single most dumbest thing you’ve managed to come up with yet.” Alicent snipes before grabbing her Gin Martini off the counter and marching up the grand staircase.
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Rhaenyra: I’m Rhaenyra Targaryen and the heir to Targaryen enterprises. I actually asked my father to make this production. I think it will do the children and the rest of us some good and show the outside world that even though us Targaryens are considered closer to gods than men we are still human too.
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The camera pans to Rhaenrya sitting on a couch sipping a Negroni Sbagliato. “I actually can’t wait for future episodes to air. This family is nuts. I only suggested this whole production for one reason and one reason only.” Flicking her hair over her shoulder she glances at the camera and smirks. “I thrive off chaos.”
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Aegon: This is all a load of bullshit. Why do I have to do this again?
Alicent off camera: Language Aegon, please.
Aegon: Go follow my Tiktok, it's @sunfyrelvr69-
Interviewer: Please stay on topic and introduce yourself.
Aegon: Geez, I literally have a therapy appointment in like 20 minutes this whole production is going to make me relapse I already know it, this is literally so stupid.
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The camera cuts to a Tiktok video of Aegon with an orange maine coon cat across his shoulders lip syncing to a song while shirtless. The video has over 5 million likes with the caption Sunfyre and I love this song 💕
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Aemond: Aemond Targaryen.
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A stationary circular target is in view and standing a good distance away from it is Aemond, throwing his knives and hitting dead center everytime. Off-camera his sister Helaena can be heard clapping for him. The camera turns to Alicent, who is recording everything and radiating pride. “You’re doing great sweetie.”
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Helaena: Hello everyone, I’m Helaena. No one in this family watches Harry Potter. So I like to play with bugs and say Luna Lovegod quotes to creep them out and no one has caught on to it yet. It’s honestly hilarious.
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“A Wrackspurt” Helaena says from her position on the living room floor. Aegon who had just entered to watch tv freezes. “They’re invisible. They float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy. I thought I felt one zooming around in here” she continues while playing with a dead spider. “God you’re so fucking weird” he complains while stomping back out the way he came. Once he leaves, Helaena smirks at the camera and grabs the remote to turn the tv on. “Works like a charm every time.”
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Stranger, Male: This family is a fucking nightmare.
Interviewer: Who are you again?
Stranger, Male: Daeron Targaryen.
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Daemon: You make one drunk comment and suddenly you’re the bad guy. It was a JOKE Viserys cmon.
Interviewer: Please introduce yourself
Daemon: Daemon Targaryen, brother of Viserys Targaryen. I have my own estate up in Dragonstone but I practically live here in the manor because I can’t stand my fucking wife.
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Daemon is shown in a secluded corner on the phone. The camera slowly pans onto his face which is clouded in frustration. “Damnit Rhea! I said I’d be home by Thursday…yes I know today is Friday what of it?” An angry feminine voice can be heard from the phone and Daemon immediately recoils and hangs up. Glancing up he finally notices the camera and flips it off.
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Jace: I didn’t actually think we’d get a segment considering-
Luke: Why do we have to do it together though? Everyone else got their own segment. Why didn’t we?
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Aemond: I told the producers Jace and Luke have separation anxiety and can only do scenes together.
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Jace: Who cares I’m Jace Velaryon!
Luke: And I’m Luke Velaryon!
Both, in unison: And you’re watching Disney Channel!
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Criston Cole: I am Criston Cole. I have been the Targaryen family bodyguard for a long time now. I make sure the children are safe and getting along. On paper I’m a bodyguard but I’m actually a fucking babysitter.
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Off-camera a scream can be heard in the backyard and yelling starts. The camera shows Criston swiftly getting up and running out the door. Seconds later a muffled shout can be heard from outside. "Damnit Aemond why do you have a knife?"
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Viserys: You said I have to make a closing statement?
Interviewer: [Off-Camera gives a nod]
Viserys: We’ll, Thank you to those of you tuning in and watching. I hope you’ll enjoy my family's antics as much as I do. Cheers!
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Aegon: this is going to be such a shitshow.