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Small. Annoying. Selfish. Impulsive. Gluttonous. Dumb. The list of unwanted words to describe him keeps going because he kept hearing those all his life.
Stop . Shoyo mentally screams at his mind. He's had enough. There was an uncomfortable ache in his chest yet his mind never listened. It kept repeating words he's heard countless times to describe.
Why do people need to say that to me anyway? Am I really that bad?
He got lost while running in his mind. The voices in his head aren’t helping him. The self-loathing just won’t stop. He can't. It's overwhelming. It’s hindering him from doing his tasks and Oh fuck, he has a shit ton of work to do. University is taxing out his energy.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it st–
Sob.
And is what he hates the most – breaking down. He hates the way tears run down his cheeks, the uncomfortable choke in his throat, and the uncontrollable sobs. He despises making people around him worry. Breaking down won’t avoid people from worrying especially, his Kei. His boyfriend who always worries about him.
He sobs and he sobs, he doesn’t know if it’s making him feel better or worse. Better because his emotions are getting released or worse because it makes him feel small and helpless.
He loses track of time, he doesn’t even notice how long he has stared at his blank wall. Not until he feels arms enveloping him and the familiar warmth if Kei’s chest meets his face. He breaks down again.
Somehow, his heart feels lighter. Maybe because of all the crying but he doubts it. He knows it's because of Kei. Kei was always here at his lowest of lows, never judging him and being by his side, even offering help even if he says he doesn't need one and just needs someone to lean on. Kei is what's gluing him together when he feels like breaking.
"Love…?" After a few minutes of silence and constant sniffs, Kei was hesitant in calling out for his partner as the other seems to still not be in the proper state of mind to talk.
"Hmm?" To both of their surprise, Shoyo was able to respond despite his mind being clouded with negativity.
"Can you talk? Do you want to talk about it?" Kei genuinely hopes that his lover would say yes, he desperately wants to know what caused the sudden episode, and wants to help as much as he can. For everything that has happened in his life, Shoyo was the best and he knows he would never regret. Never.
To see tears running down the cheeks of his Shoyo is one of the most — if not the most, heartbreaking experience he'll ever have.
"Give me a few, please?" Shoyo's voice was soft and tiny . It's like everything else around him was superior — that's what he feels if he's being honest.
"Ok, baby. I'm not rushing you." Kei assures softly and he gives a kiss on Shoyo's forehead. The latter snuggles into his boyfriend further, hiding away from the world.
A few moments later, Shoyo slightly pulls away from the hug, only enough to face Kei and make eye contact with him — not that he’d make much eye contact since he’s still looking down and sniffling.
“I’m sorry.” Shoyo whispers, it made Kei’s heart crack a little.
“Hey, no need to be sorry. Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong, hmm?” Kei received a weak nod.
“It’s just…every negative perception about me flooded my mind. Why am I so annoying, ugly, and everything bad?”
“Who… said that?” There was something in Kei’s tone that made Shoyo shiver. Rage. “Tell me. Who said that to you?”
“It’s.. it’s okay. You don’t have to know.” Truthfully, Shoyo was scared of what his boyfriend might do if he ever dropped names.
"Don't fucking tell me 'it's okay' because it's not . It will never be okay if it hurts you," aside from the rage, Kei’s tone also had concern. It was never okay for him to hear words that he knows negatively affects his lover’s state of mind and image of himself, "Baby, you're so beautiful inside and out as cliche as that may sound. There's always beauty in you. Just because some people see the worst in you doesn't mean everyone does. If there's a worst, there's a best. I choose to see you as the best. I love you and everything about you."
"Kei…" Shoyo broke down in another fit of sobs, this time, it wasn't because of something negative. He feels so loved.
"I'm always here, okay? Always by your side," Kei reassures, "and if they've got a problem, fuck them. Fuck each and every one of them. They don't deserve your tears. In fact, they deserve to have tears running down their eyes for making you cry."
The statement made Shoyo giggle amidst the tears streaming down his face. He looks at his boyfriend's eyes and whispers a soft "I love you" which gains him a kiss on the forehead. He nuzzled his head between Kei's neck and was about to drift off to dreamland, if he had pending university works, those can wait ‘til tomorrow. His eyes were getting heavy and was about to pass out when he heard his lover speak.
"I still need those names though."