Chapter Text
She pulled the Fordham sweatshirt over her head and pulled her hair through. Warmth flooded her stomach with the familiar scent of Sonny, who was already laying in bed.
The lecture went well, the students seemed interested, and she found herself enjoying the entire thing. She had been nervous beforehand - the public speaking aspect scared her. Once she got in front of them, talking about forensics, all her fear vanished.
“I think it went well today.” She said, running a comb through her hair while she talked. “They seemed genuinely interested. Not like me when I was in college.”
Sonny laughed. “You were one of those students, huh?”
She smiled. “Oh yeah. I couldn’t be bothered by lectures, ya know? Most of them were so boring.”
Sonny looked up from his book. “I loved mine. They were super interestin’, ‘specially the law school classes.”
She set the comb on the dresser and climbed into bed next to Sonny. “Of course you did, choir boy.”
Sonny returned her grin and set the book down. “Choir boy? You know I hate singin’.”
She kissed him gently. “I jus’… I really liked today, ya know? It felt… good.”
“Professor Rollins, reportin’ for duty.”
She laughed, laid her head on his chest, and rested a hand on his stomach. “They have an opening.” She admitted. “That’s why they reached out.”
Sonny sat up a little straighter. “Really? You thinkin’… you wanna take it?”
She sat up and their eyes met before she looked down at her hands. “I dunno. I-I guess maybe? I’ve been thinkin’ about it.”
“I know I was jokin’ a few days ago about the jury consultant job, but Amanda, you don’t have to stay at SVU. Nobody would judge you for leavin’. Not after—“
“I know, Sonny. I jus’… it’s all I’ve ever done.”
“Amanda, I would never force you out of SVU, but…”
She saw the turmoil in his eyes. The same turmoil she’d been seeing since she opened her eyes in the hospital after surgery. “What, Sonny?”
“I can’t…” He hesitated, taking in a slow breath. “I can’t get another call like that. I-I’ve never felt that… that terror before. And I know you felt it first hand, and this has been horrible for you. But… I jus’… I can’t lose you.”
Tears glistened in his eyes and Amanda grabbed his face, their lips meeting softly. She pulled away, still holding her hands on his cheeks. “I know, Sonny. I don’t wanna do that to you, or, or the girls.”
“So, you’ll think about it? The teachin’ position, I mean.”
She smiled at him. “I already am, Sonny.”
Going to bed that night was easy. She felt refreshed, instead of drained. When the sun streamed through their bedroom windows and her alarm went off, her eyes opened slowly.
“You slept last night.” Carisi said, sleep still infiltrating his voice. “All night.”
She rubbed her eyes, realizing that Sonny was right. She brushed her lips against his softly. “Yeah.”
Quickly, their morning shifted into the usual morning-induced chaos that happened every day with the girls. Lunches being packed, hair getting brushed, and coffee inhaled. As with every morning, Sonny kissed Amanda’s cheek, a certain dread settling into his veins that only dissipated when he laid eyes on her again.
She left before him, throwing back a quick love you to him and the girls before the door closed. Sonny finished getting Jesse and Billie ready for school before Sienna arrived.
“When will you and Mommy be home tonight?” Jesse asked, a question which Sonny was now familiar with and ready to answer every morning since he had told them about Amanda’s shooting and subsequent hospital stay.
“I think Mom will be home before me today. I’ve got some trial prep to do tonight.” He told her as he finished putting away the cereal boxes and milk.
“You putting the bad guys in jail?” She asked as she took another spoonful of cereal.
He smiled at her. “Course. Jus’ like the monster in your closet.”
Jesse smiled. He poured coffee into his to-go mug, grabbing the milk again as Sienna entered the apartment. He, like Amanda, left the apartment after hugs and ‘I love you’s’ exchanged between himself and the girls.
He was sitting at his desk when his phone lit up, Amanda’s name flashing across the screen. He opened his cell to the text.
‘Headed into a raid. I’ll text you afterwards. Love you.’
He responded quickly and simply. ‘Love you. Be safe.’
It was hard for him to focus after. He busied himself by organizing his paper and files for his court case tomorrow, shuffling around transcripts and his own notes while trying to fend off thoughts of where Amanda was and the danger she currently faced. As an ex-cop, he knew exactly what was happening. Sometimes, he wished he didn't have that expertise so he could just be an ignorant boyfriend. But, he did not have that luxury. His thoughts were interrupted again by his cell phone.
This time, Liv’s name popped across the screen. His heart dropped.
“Liv what’s—“
“Carisi,” she said breathlessly, “it’s Amanda, she—“
Sonny’s lungs tightened, he could hardly breathe. “What… where…”
“Mercy. Just get there, Carisi. She was wearing a vest but—“
He hung up before Liv could finish, his body working on overdrive. He grabbed his coat and took off for his car. His receptionist tried to stop him, to ask him why the hell he was running through the office, but he easily ran past her, ignoring several voices calling at him.
His mind only repeated three words. God, please no.
He arrived at Mercy only twenty minutes after Liv’s call. He ran through the usual E.R. frenzy, straight to the front desk.
Exactly how he had only three and a half months ago.
“Amanda Rollins, please where is she—“
“Carisi!”
His head whipped around, eyes meeting Fin’s. His feet carried him towards the Sargent. His mouth opened to speak, but he found himself speechless. He was beyond terrified to ask anything, his body struggled to catch up with his mind, images of Amanda's blood, her torn apart flesh—
“She’s okay, Carisi. She told me to wait out here for you.” Fin said immediately. “The vest caught it. There’s some bruising and they’re gonna make sure nothing else—“
“Where is she?”
Fin looked down the hallway. “Curtain three.”
Sonny ran. He flung the curtain back and found her sitting on the edge of the bed. He scanned her, looking for signs of more serious injuries but found none. He exhaled. ,
“Amanda.”
“I-I’m ok-okay, Sonny.” She said shakily. Her hands were visibly shaking in her lap and she was noticably pale.
He closed the distance between them to crouch down in front of her. He took her trembling hands into his own, could nearly feel the adrenaline running through her. A tear spilled over and he gently swiped it away with his thumb.
“You’re okay. Fin said the vest caught it.”
She nodded, another tear fell down her cheek. “Sonny I—“
“Detective Rollins,” a woman in a white coat entered, her eyes cast down at a clipboard in her hands, “my name is Doctor Williams. Your x-ray came back clear, which is great.”
She clipped the x-ray images into the light wall, flipping on the switch to illuminate the pictures. “No fractures. I don’t suspect internal bleeding, but we’ll do an ultrasound just to be on the safe side. I understand you were shot a few months ago as well, correct?”
Amanda simply nodded, her throat unable to produce words. She gripped Sonny’s hand so tightly her knuckles were white.
The doctor’s features softened. “You must be Dominick.”
Sonny nodded and returned the handshake quickly before setting his hand on Amanda’s shoulder. “So, she’s-she’s okay, right?”
The doctor stepped towards the two and sat down on the end of the bed. “Yes. The vest did exactly what it was suppose to do. You’ll be sore for a couple days, and I can prescribe you something if you’d like, but Amanda?” The doctor set a hand on Amanda’s knee. “You’re gonna be fine.”
The corner of Amanda’s mouth curved upwards ever so slightly. “Yeah.”
The doctor smiled and nodded. “Yeah.” She stood up, grabbing the clipboard again. “I’ll send someone in for the ultrasound soon, and I’ll check in before you’re discharged, okay?”
Sonny looked at Amanda, her eyes completely glazed over. He nodded at the doctor and quickly thanked her before she left.
He crouched down again, searching her eyes. “‘Manda…”
She shook her head, her eyes casting to the ceiling just as she did that night after her kidnapping a few years ago. “I… I can’t—“ Her body trembled, collapsing into him, sobs engulfing her.
“Okay, come ‘ere.” He wrapped his arms around her and turned her so that he could sit on the bed next to her. He felt his own armour cracking, tears pricking at his eyes as he held her. The adrenaline and terror began leaving his own body, and he couldn’t imagine what she was feeling.
Only three and a half months ago, Amanda was bleeding out on the pavement.
He had seen that blood only after she had been wisked away in an ambulance.
As she settled and calmed against him, he gently pulled her down against the bed. She never left his embraced and leaned into him as they laid on the bed, not much different to how they laid last night.
“Jesse, Billie…”
He rubbed her arm and checked his watch. “They’re still at school, Sienna should be pickin’ them up soon.”
She nodded barely, her hands grabbing a small fistful of his shirt. They laid there together until the ultrasound technician gently opened the curtain. It went quick — thankfully, it revealed no internal bleeding and Sonny nearly sobbed with relief. The dishcarge papers came quickly after, and the pair headed out towards the lobby. Fin and Liv were sitting in the blue plastic chairs, both standing after seeing them.
“Hey, ‘Manda. You all good?” Fin asked.
She smiled tiredly, eyes still reddened by tears. “Yeah, I’m okay. Lucky I was wearin’ a vest.”
Sonny’s heart pinged. This day could have been entirely differently, could have been much closer, if not worse, to the day three and a half months ago. He tightened his arm around her waist.
“You both have the next few days off.” Liv said. She stepped towards Amanda, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”
Tears settled back in Amanda’s eyes and she nodded her thanks, unable to speak.
The drive home was quiet, similar to their drive home after her week and a half hospital stay this summer. Sonny made the same careful turns, doing his best to avoid bumps and pot holes.
She leaned heavily on him as they made their way to the apartment. She could hear her girls’ happy squeals on the other side of the door as Sonny reached for his key. He thanked Sienna, talking quietly with her as Amanda greeted her daughters. Sienna flashed a sad smile at Amanda before saying bye to the girls and leaving.
Amanda did her best to hide the pain, but she couldn’t stop the wince when Billie tumbled into her. Jesse’s eyes dropped.
“Momma, I thought you were all better.”
“I’m okay, babygirl.” Amanda said, feeling like she was a broken record. She did not know how to explain to her oldest daughter that she was shot. Again. She felt herself constructing a lie, telling Jesse that she tripped, or that she bumped into her desk at work. But, she didn’t want to lie to her daughter. Jesse was smart, she was observant. She would figure it out. “I just… I got hurt again at work, but this time I’m okay.”
Sonny walked over, picked up Billie, and rubbed Jesse’s back. Jesse’s eyes were wide, her little chest heaving with anxiety. Amanda pulled her into a hug, rubbing the little girl’s back.
“I’m okay, baby. I’m here.”
With cuddles for both girls, more assurances that Amanda was fine, and chocolate milk, the girls were tucked into their beds. Sonny knew there would be nightmares tonight for Jesse, it was only a matter of time before she was in their room.
He closed their bedroom door and walked back out to the living room where he found Amanda sitting on the couch, a glass of whiskey wrapped in her hands.
He grabbed a beer and approached her slowly. He sank down on the couch next to her, and she immediately tucked herself into his side. He wrapped his free hand around her, resting it on her hip. For a moment, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel her warm skin under his. She’s alive, and she’s not fighting for her life. We’re home.
“Do you…” he hesitated and set his can on the side table, “do you wanna talk about it?”
She didn’t respond right away, instead taking a sip of the dark alcohol. “No. Not right now.”
Sonny nodded. He desperately wanted to know what the hell had happened, how they had found themselves in this position, again. But he also didn’t want to push her. He’d make sure she scheduled a therapy appointment, and hell, he’d probably make one for himself.
“Okay.”
She blurted out, “I’m taking the teaching position.”
An exhaled sigh of relief escaped him before he could stop it. Thank god. “That’s… that’s great, ‘Manda. You sure this is what you want?”
He felt her nod against his chest. “After today… I’m more than sure.”
He planted a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m… If I’m honest, I’m so glad that you’re takin’ a step back from SVU. I would never force you to leave, but it’s been…”
“A lot, recently.” She finished for him. “Yeah, I know. I jus’… I can’t imagine leavin’ the girls, or you, behind.”
He gently placed a hand under her chin and turned her towards him, locking eyes with her. “I love you, ‘Manda. So much.”
“Love you, too.” She responded, smiling into a kiss. “I gotta talk to Liv…”
“Don’t worry ‘bout that right now.” He said. “She’ll understand.”
She nodded and he felt her relax against him. The relief he felt from the moment she said she was taking the teaching position was… overwhelming. They still haven’t fully talked about the first shooting, and now they had tacked on another.
For now, though, this was enough. The feeling of her body, warm and alive, against his own was enough to eliminate the urge to talk about what had happened.
This was enough.