Work Text:
The real problem with my family was I could never make the right choice. If I would make a selfless decision, they would tell me, “get off the cross, someone needs the wood.” That was basically saying don’t martyr yourself for others. In my family, doing something selfless was an alien concept. There was always an extenuating circumstance or strings attached for a favor or "kindness".
I’ve seen this behavior before in regards to many situations where a person pressures someone to get what they want, but then sees the mirror exposing their own behavior. I suppose, that in my families mind, I was acting like I was better than them for not being selfish. My choices made them feel like they were bad people by comparison. However, they often used me up like a lit cigarette, so they were bashing behavior they gladly took advantage of.
I have never had my family help me move where an exchange of money and/or a full meal wasn’t required. When I borrowed a little cash to get another vehicle, my brother took his wife and kids with us, so I had to pay for all their meals, just so he could abandon me at a low budget car place that was pretty shady. I couldn’t afford to pay for his gas and another meal to keep looking, so I had to take what they could give me. Granted my car, Louise, was a junker, but I lucked out and she lasted quite a while--I still miss her pull-out cup holder. This was one of many stories where the lesson was simple: Everything has a price, unless you do it yourself.
Those shows on television where everybody helps out because they love and respect each other, and have each other’s back, were as fantastic to me as a dragon in a fairy tale. Family who tried to look out for each other, or bought products to help support their relative’s new business, seemed like complete bullshit to me. Christmas dinner where everyone was happy to see each other, and someone didn’t get into a fight about some imagined insult at the dinner table, was just fiction that didn’t happen in real life.
You know what though, I really liked those shows, and they made me smile when real life never did.
I couldn’t control how they felt. I could only be myself. I liked doing nice things for people. Yes, I was taken advantage of many times. Thrown to the curb when they didn’t like what they saw in that mirror. I lost many people who called themselves ‘my friend’ because I valued my sanity and recognized them as users. It never once occurred to me not to continue to be randomly kind. Once you make that decision for yourself, kindness is far easier than indifference or cruelty.
I made my decision because I could never make my family happy, which made me unhappy all the time. There was no middle ground because if I was capable of being selfish, they were just as selfish, if not more so. The difference is that all I wanted was for them to be happy and not be unhappy myself. I wanted their acceptance and compromised my own integrity on several occasions just to get it. Needing to belong somewhere was very important to me.
There are lots of things we wish we could tell our younger selves. The most important thing I wish I could have said was, “They will never be satisfied. They don’t have to love you, if you love yourself.”
I have learned over years, and it has been a very hard lesson, that an individual with the confidence to be themselves has more acceptance than anyone else can ever give them. Loving a person unconditionally is accepting everything they are, even if you don’t agree with it. If you can love yourself that way, you become a survivor that can handle anything.
I love my family, but their love has always been conditional to silly things like politics, sexual orientations, and religious beliefs. It’s obvious to me that their idea of love is smothered by their need for selfish commonalities. People like that don’t just want to accept you as their family member, they think they can only truly love you if you are like them, instead of just accepting who you are.
I may not like everything about myself, but I love me and believe I have value. Putting out that piece of yourself is a palpable energy. Some people will shrink from it. They want to always take center stage and will resent your resilience in adversity. Others will recognize that attitude in you and want to have that for themselves as well. They will make perfunctory efforts to show you what they think love is, and in return try to take from you. No matter how much you give, it will never be enough for them. These types of people are not worth your time. If you find yourself in these relationships, no matter the connection of family or friend, they are toxic and need to be let go for your own self preservation.
People, who will really love you, will want to put as much into you as you put into them. Friends, Family, and Lovers that matter beyond yourself, are worth believing in, if they return the equity. The Equality of Love is the most important thing I have learned from living with the traumas of the past. To love someone who believes in us the way we believe in them, and the first place to start is our own self. I think we all deserve a little of that in our lives. Don’t you think?