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He’s watching the patrons talk to eachother, excitedly sharing stories about past Weinlesefests. Last year they all hosted a big dinner with their families and friends. He hears about the games they played and the laughs they shared, together. Angel’s Share is bustling with life during this festival season, with almost every citizen in Mondstadt rushing to get a seat for their loved ones in the best tavern of the city.
The place is fully decorated, with flowers blooming from every corner and a multitude of different greens, mixed with light blues and whites. Garlands are hanging from the upper floor and the dazzling chandelier. Music can be heard all over, with the bards having teamed up to sing various ballads typical from this season. He looks around to see at least five people dancing to the rhythm, joy spread across their faces.
He decided to give Charles the week off, so that he could enjoy the festivities as much as the others. Maybe he shouldn’t be working either, but who would run the tavern and make all these people happy? Diluc couldn’t forgive himself if he ever decided to close it during this time. It just so happens that it also is a good opportunity for the business to flourish with all the revenue they’re going to get, although that isn’t his goal at all, no matter what people seem to think.
He managed to invite Kaeya over for dinner. It took some convincing from Adelinde, who seemed just as eager to have him there, and the traveler and Paimon. It would’ve been nice if Adelinde, Kaeya and he could’ve had a family meal again, without the presence of the traveler, although they were nonetheless appreciated.
The dinner went better than anticipated. Adelinde, as sly as always, prepared Kaeya’s favorite, and they all were able to share some laughs. Or rather, no one got angry at anybody. He knows that’s not nearly enough to fix the pain his family has been through, but it’s the best start he could ask for.
He misses the bond he had with his brother. The way they could almost read each other’s thoughts. Partners in crime, as the youth says these days. To be honest with himself, he misses everything he used to have before his eighteenth birthday. He misses Father, he misses Jean and her awful jokes, and how she always worried too much for her own good. She always had a heart of gold. As of right now, what he misses most is the warmth he felt coming from the people, the affection they had for him. They celebrated his victories with him and made sure he felt okay after his losses. Being a Cavalry Captain at such a young age was never easy, but the pressure felt a little less suffocating with the warmth radiating from his friends and fellow Mondstadters.
He lost many things on that rainy day. His father, his passion, his alliance with the knights… He pushed Kaeya away in the worst way imaginable, and lost Jean in the process too. After his departure, the people he swore to protect with his life and all his might ended up forgetting about him. They couldn’t have known he was going to come back. The city changed over the years. Kaeya took his place as Cavalry Captain, and hell, Jean is Acting Grand Master now. They all grew but a part of him stayed right at the time he left.
Adelinde tries to help him somehow. She tells him to try and talk to his former friends again, about anything, but it is not as simple as it appears. What should he say to Jean? I’m sorry I left and treated everyone poorly, let’s get our friendship back. He doubts he could ever be forgiven for such things, but he’s okay with it. Or so he tries to convince himself. If he believes he cannot be forgiven for his past mistakes, then why does he feel this way? Longing for something, someone, not available to him anymore?
He hates to admit it, but it’s heartbreaking to see the patrons at his tavern. They’re all recounting stories, bonding over shared interests and fine wine. He doesn’t want to, but he looks around. Aside from the incredibly busy tables all over the place, he catches a glimpse of his former friends from the corner of his eye. They got a big table, almost as big as the one in the manor. Jean is there, accompanied by Lisa and Amber. Kaeya appears to be chatting with Eula Lawrence. He never got to talk with her off duty, but she seems pleasant to be around, just like everyone else. The big, dark brown wooden table is full. Unlike the one at the manor.
He's aware it is rude, but he can’t stop himself from staring at their table. His heart aches to be there, to engage in the conversation, to share stories and listen to theirs. He wants to smile, and laugh, and bond. That’s what he yearns for, bonding with people. A friendship.
And Barbatos knows he’s tried. In his own way, but he’s tried. Attempted speaking with Margaret when she’s on her morning stroll around the plaza. Attempted a conversation with Marjorie, with people from the Adventurer’s Guild. He has even tried to speak with some knights. Not once has he succeeded. Everyone still somehow views him as this outsider, as this stranger that appeared one day out of the blue. He’s not the well-known, loved and adored by everyone Diluc Ragnvindr. He’s not Crepus’ son anymore. He’s not Kaeya’s brother anymore. He’s the odd one out, the foreigner. He’s not the darknight hero either. How could he publicly claim to be such an individual, when he left them unannounced all those years ago?
Looking back, he starts to wonder if he ever fit in with people. Besides Kaeya and Jean, his two close friends, he doubts if people ever saw him as Diluc. Did they praise him because he was the Cavalry Captain? Or because he was Diluc, a strong and brave kid that risked his life every day in order to protect everyone? Maybe they cheered him on because he was Crepus’ son. He wouldn’t question it though. He was always focused on training with Father, always with a goal in mind. Sure, dedicated time to some of his hobbies, but were they his? Or did he still have a goal in mind? May he never know, but that will not stop him from trying his best to be perceived.
May he die trying. As he always has.