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" I was afraid you'd know, if I said your name. "
Had she been completely sane, Namra would remain quiet, or end the conversation right there or just run away. She's always been good at running away.
But she isn't sane and literally can't run away, so she allows herself to be a little less 'Namra'. Allows herself to let go of her stoic persona, to overcome her introversion, overcome her mother's voice in the back of her mind, always telling her to "focus on studying to make it to SNU, you can have friends, leisure time and boys after that, none of these matter for the time being". Because this, they, him.... all of these matter to her.
" What ? " she asks, pushing him to go on. They might not have another chance.
Suhyeok gathers every bout of courage and holds her gaze for a second. " That... that I like you. "
In the seconds of silence that follow, there's something lingering in between them. Namra's mind is racing, putting the pieces and bits of the past and the present together and she stops thinking of the latest events to wander back to all the times they had those few sparkles of interaction and how she always ran away. What was that 'what' for ? She already knew the answer.
It has always been there. In the way he saves her desk whenever he arrives in class earlier so no one else sits on her favorite place. In how he nonchalantly asks what she's listening to during break even though she rarely answers but rather shows him her cellphone screen. In the way he sometimes offers her a chocolat after returning from lunch and how his smile widens in the few times she accepts it. In the way she catches him staring at her in the library, pretending to be studying and then asking her any dumb question about a random subject just to pretend he wasn't staring. In the way he turns his head away, pretending to be unaware just to make her feel less uneasy in the rare times he catches her staring at him in classes.
"... and you're so pretty. " As he ends his confession, his gaze falls apart and he fidgets with his free hand, anticipating her usual silence or even a plain rejection.
Namra relishes the words she once thought she'd never get to hear. The truth is he likes her. Out of everyone else, of all those name tags he uses to get, he likes her.
And because of how she felt butterflies in her stomach during their small interactions, of how many times she'd replay those moments in her head, of how she always thinks about him before sleeping, the truth is she knows she likes him too. She should have opened up to him, should have been less introvert, less afraid, less.... her thoughts weigh heavily on her soul, she wants him to know. He deserves to know.
She is glad that their classmates aren't paying them any attention. It's an intimate moment, one of those things she always longed for but never got to experience. She wants to keep this moment forever. She looks at his fidgeting hand, at the red knot, at her free hand, at the camera. The camera. In the end, she does have something to say.
"Suhyeok... I like you." She eternizes that moment, closes the camera and suddenly kisses him, wearing her heart on her sleeve for the first time because she might not have another chance, death is closing in just outside the door or maybe is already in her blood. But now he knows and it's all that matters.
**************
Four months later, Namra has found new friends ( rather acquaitances ). She hasn't really bonded with anyone but they stick together for survival. It's better to have others who can go through hell with you than burning all by yourself.
Her inner quiet and solitary nature though, remained intact. She still finds comfort in silence, still hates when someone comes too near her and like a wild thing, sometimes she wants her distance. Even though they have an official meeting place not far from the school grounds, there are nights she skips their gathering and lights a bonfire by herself at the school rooftop. Sometimes she thinks about the past and just misses her mother, her books, her normal life and gets comfort from her memories. Sometimes she thinks about the future and mourns over her fate. And sometimes she thinks about the future but finds hope, instead.
Tonight is one of these nights. But tonight something is different and she recognizes the owners of footsteps and voices approaching the school. It's them, her old friends. Bad timing. She can't stay much longer as the hunger is growing and the others are coming back. It's not really the time to reunite both groups but she has to at least say hello to them. Let them know she's survived and is not a monster.
**************
" I'll be back, okay ? " she tells Onjo and catches a quick glimpse of Suhyeok staring at her. Her heart hurts inside and she really wants to stay, but she's running out of time and the edge of the rooftop is the safest route to escape.
***************
On the next night, she arrives at the school earlier than usual and spots the bonfire already lit. Deep inside she knew he'd be there.
" Hey, Prez ! " he tries to sound nonchalant, but she can hear his heartbeat. He can't fool her even if he tries. He's hurt inside.
" Had a hunch I'd see you here sooner rather than later. You shouldn't come alone, you know ? ", she attempts a soft smile and sits by his side, both looking at the bonfire in a familiar atmosphere.
" You ran away yesterday and I couldn't think of anything else other than you since then." A silence follows. " So I thought I should come back and ask again. Are you okay ? How have you been, Namra ? " he is looking at her now with sorrowful eyes.
Namra takes a deep sigh and chooses to be honest. " I can't really tell. I don't know who I am anymore, where I stand, where I am going - and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions. I guess I'd be lying to say I've been well. But I really missed you all ". She pauses but finally turns to him. " I went close to the quarantine camp a few times but didn't know if I should look for you guys any further. If you'd welcome me after... after all, you know ? "
He takes her hand and gives a squeeze. " You're Namra, the smartest girl of Hyosan. If it helps, I also dunno where I stand nor where I am going and I haven't been well either. So maybe we could team up and be unwell together ? "
She hides a smile. " For how long ? It's not very safe for you to hang out with me for too long. "
" Why ? Does that still happen very often ? " She remains silent but the heavyness of the question is broken by the way he softly examines her hand, concerned that she might be harming herself like before.
Without letting go of her hand, he looks straight at her eyes. " Namra-yah... stay a little longer. And if that happens again, you can still bite me. "
" I'll never do that to you. You don't know what you're saying."
" But I do know that you're still the girl I like and that's the only, the only thing that hasn't changed in my life since the outbreak. I regret it so much that I was a coward for not confessing sooner. We didn't get a chance to go on a date, to watch the sunset, to wander on the streets holding hands, to share our playlists, to... I think about it every day. Of what could have been. I hate that now that we met again it feels like we're just on borrowed time. "
Now he's the one that looks away.
" Don't overthink it, Suhyeok. It will only make you feel bad. The farthest distance in the world is between how it is now and how you thought it was gonna be. And I don't know about the sunset but did you know that... a bonfire fits into my idea of a date very well ? " She tries to lighten his mood a bit and it works because he smiles softly but widely at her.
As the night goes by, they talk through it. He tells her about the quarantine camp routine and she learns that he and their classmates don't get together very often, having grown distant specially from Onjo.
She tells him about her new friends, her new place and her journey to adjust to her new being so far, although she spares him the worst details .
They talk about before. There's so much to talk about before that they can almost forget about the outbreak, about their surroundings and their current situation. The past is just so comforting right now.
Some time before dawn she tells him that she needs to go and as they wander through the empty and dark streets towards the quarantine camp, with hands winterwined, Suhyeok notices that Namra seems kinda uneasy around him. He doesn't need to ask, he just knows she's fighting the hunger, he's too close, stayed too long. " Namra-yah... you don't have to hide it from me, don't have to hold everything all the time. You don't always have to be strong. I'm sorry, I kept you around me for too long. I can go by myself from here. "
" No... I can handle it. But just in case, you still remember know how to bring me back if anything happens, right ? "
" I have a better idea to keep you here with me. We'll just have to try to see if it works." Suhyeok says playfully.
" What ? "
And before she can realize the change in his breathing, he suddenly stops walking, turns her face with his free hand and gives a small peck on her lips, a little offset, just like she did back in the music room.
She stands still but after three seconds she pulls away, looking at the dark horizon ahead of them. " We don't know if this is safe. For you, I mean. It works to keep me here but what if I infect you ? "
Tilting her chin with his hand to make her look at him, he can see the fear in her eyes. " You won't. You're not a zombie. I'm willing to take this risk. And whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today. That's good enough for me."
Namra has no arguments to fight back. He won.
" Then.... stay a little longer." The look in her eyes tells him that it's good enough for her too and he leans in to kiss her. This time, a real kiss. This time, she responds. This time, there's no past, no future, no zombie outbreak, no hunger, no fear lingering in the air. There's just the two of them in a dark abandoned road, on a borrowed time that has just stopped flowing for a while. Their own little while.
**************
It's still dark when they reach the quarantine camp surroundings.
" Are you sure you don't wanna come in with us ? " He asks while searching his pockets.
" You know I can't. I will only put you all in danger. You already put yourself in danger today and it's safer if you don't keep coming back, Suhyeok. " Her voice is firm, her mind is made up.
" But I will come back to light our bonfire sooner than you expect, you can't stop me." he blinks at her and gives his boyish smile, disarming her. " And next time, we'll watch the sunset. Until then, there's something I want you to keep. "
He opens his hand and inside is the red curtain tieback. He kept it. So much meaning for them in that simple piece of cloth that tied them together.
" Thank you, Suhyeok. " Namra takes it tenderly and their eyes lock. There's no need to say anything else, she knows what he means.
With that, they kiss one last time, squeeze hands and wordlessly start to walk separate ways. But before he can jump the quarantine camp wall, he hears Namra's voice.
" Hey, Suhyeok ... you guys are the closest thing to a family each of you have now. You should stay together."
" So do you, Prez. " He blinks at her and jumps inside. She feels relieved that he made it back safely and starts to walk her way back. She's hungry, so hungry, after all.
**************
As she walks alone in that god forsaken road back to the ruins of Hyosan, holding the red curtain tieback in her hand, a single thought keeps racing inside her mind. It's insistent, pushy, angsting:
" I look at Suhyeok and I want to take my own advice and stay together. But how are we supposed to do that when his life depends on us staying apart ? I guess we'll just have to see where this road takes us."