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Todd had been waiting to propose (no, not that kind of proposal. They’re not even twenty yet!) this idea to Charlie for a while now. He’d been sitting on it for ages, thinking and rethinking the plan over and over and over. It wasn’t like he expected Charlie to shoot him down or anything, and it wasn’t like he didn't want to either. He was just… a little on edge about it all. It was normal.
Halloween was coming up. That’s a self explanatory statement.
Halloween was coming up, and Todd wanted to drag Charlie on a plane back to Vermont for the Halloween weekend for the first time since they left, was where the proposition came into play. Charlie liked spontaneity, right? And either way, he couldn’t really say ‘no’ to Todd, basically ever. It was fine.
He was still nervous though, and Charlie of course managed to pick up on it. Stupid boyfriends and their stupid sixth sense for emotional distress.
Charlie leaned over and peered at Todd’s laptop. “Todd, you good? You’ve been staring at the Netflix menu screen for like, a solid seven minutes.”
“I’m just thinking really hard about what I want to watch.” Todd replied.
Charlie snorted from next to him on the bed, dropping his phone to his side and leaning over to drop his head into Todd’s lap (Todd pushing his laptop out of the way so his dumb, affectionate boyfriend didn’t bash his head into solid metal).
“What’s wrong, Mr Grumpypants?”
Todd cracked a smile. “Do not call me that.”
“Debby downer.”
“Stop.”
“Emo boy.”
“Charlie.”
“My poor little meow meow.” He pouted at Todd.
“That one wasn’t funny the first time, and it still isn’t funny.”
Charlie yelped as Todd pinched him in the neck. “Okay, okay. I’m stopping.”
“Good.” Todd smiled a little wider.
“But seriously, what’s actually wrong?” Charlie asked sincerely, before raising a playful eyebrow. “And anything I can do to help?”
“Not right now, Charlie, Jesus Christ. Go back to being concerned and stupid.”
“You love it.”
Todd rolled his eyes. “It’s so unfair that even if I killed you, I’d still have to deal with you.”
“Rude. I thought we had something special.” Charlie fake sniffled. “I knew you only wanted me for my incredibly attractive body! For my dashing good looks! For my sexual abilities! You shallow son of a bitch!”
“Well, I definitely didn’t want you for your personality, did I?”
Charlie placed a hand over his heart. “Ah! The agony! The heartbreak!”
Todd grabbed a pillow, and smacked him in the face. He’d bring it up tomorrow.
Surprising even Todd himself, he did bring it up tomorrow.
“You wanna go back to Helton?” Charlie clarified over breakfast.
“Well, to Vermont, in the town Welton is in, yeah.” Todd said. “We don’t have to go back to Welton itself.”
“Good, I’m in then.” He took a sip of orange juice. “Am I booking or you?”
“I can do it, since I brought it up.”
Charlie nodded. “Okay, can’t wait to pack twenty minutes before we leave next weekend.” He stood up to put his plate in the sink.
“I won’t let you do that.” Todd called after him.
“You’ll never stop me, Anderson!”
Todd didn’t stop him. Charlie’s procrastination habits and need to do everything at the very last second were going to kill Todd one day; he was sure of it.
But even Charlie’s anxiety inducing travel habits couldn’t bring Todd’s optimism down. He was going to see Neil (his grave) again. It was both nerve wracking and exciting. Practically buzzing the whole plane ride, in between naps and talking to Charlie, Todd thought back to the home he’d left in Vermont he was going to return to.
England was his home now, obviously. It was the home he’d built with Charlie and that he loved, but Vermont would always be a second home in his heart. Not because he’d built it or he loved it, but because of what it contained within its metaphorical walls: memories. Not even just of Neil, though he was obviously the main event, but of his friends too - even Welton as a school held fond memories.
Todd used to think home was one place, then for a while it was one person. It was somewhere you could always return to, and that would take you unconditionally. Todd used to think he’d spend forever searching for this one home, but then he realised home could be many places, many people, and he’d found home in them. Now though, Todd realised that he’d been searching for home this whole time and failed to realise one crucial fact.
He’d always been home; he was home.
Their hotel room was nice. It was in a fancier part of town that as students, Todd and Charlie had never really visited before. It was cozy, a double bed in the middle of the room, a small chair in one corner and thick curtains over the windows, even a small ensuite bathroom with some moist towelettes. Todd briefly registered that he’d never been in a hotel before; he’d never had anywhere to go, let alone visit until now.
“So, we’ve got one whole Halloween weekend. What's on the docket, Toddy?” Charlie asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Food, then walking around revisiting the sights sound good for today?”
Charlie grinned. “Sounds great, Toddo.” He stood, his face morphing to a more serious expression. “Tomorrow?”
“I wanted to visit Neil, if that’s alright with you.”
“Of course it is.”
“Do you want to come?”
He paused for a moment. “Can I think about it?”
“Yeah, of course.” Todd glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 10am. “First, though, how about a nap?”
Charlie responded by yanking Todd towards the bed by the elbow, almost tripping over the rug. Todd laughed at him.
After waking up around 1pm, they went to brunch. The familiar streets had, not unexpectedly, stayed almost exactly the same as the last time Todd had walked them. It was like walking into a time capsule, and it filled Todd with a warm, thumping feeling of deja vu. He’d never thought some town in Vermont would ever be such a treasured place to him, but it was. Almost all of Todd’s happiest memories walked the streets alongside him. If only Todd from over three years ago could see where he ends up; maybe he wouldn’t have been so hopeless for so long.
Once finished with brunch, the two of them wandered around. They window shopped a bit, pointed out places with funny anecdotes (“Remember the time Knox walked into that street sign?” “How could I not, it was the best day of my life. Besides our anniversary.” “Nice save, Charles.”), and essentially spent the whole afternoon reminiscing on their days at Welton.
Todd paused on the sidewalk, Charlie swiftly following suit once he’d noticed Todd’s sudden halt. Todd gestured to what Charlie would’ve seen as open air; however, a ghostly woman in a torn dress was sitting on the curb, sobbing into her hands. Charlie raised his eyebrows in understanding, leaning against the graffitied brick wall beside them as Todd ventured to sit down next to the woman.
“Rough day?” He asked softly. She wailed in lieu of a response, and Todd took that as a yes. “Did you want to talk about it?”
She sniffled. “I- I finally made my way back here, and he’s… my boyfriend has a new girlfriend! I spent so long trying to get back to him and he’s just! Just forgot I existed.” She sobbed loudly, mascara pristine despite her tears.
“Well, is it such a bad thing he moved on?” Todd drew his knees closer to his chest. “I mean, did you love him?”
She hiccuped. “Of- of course I did.”
“And is he happy?”
“I think so.”
Todd nodded. “Then, isn’t that all you can ask for?”
“I- but I wanted him to be happy with me. ” She croaked, hands trembling like her bones were trying to escape her body. “It’s not fair.”
“It isn’t. And I’m so, so sorry this happened.” He sighed. “But that’s just life, and death, really. He’s moved on, and he’s happy, and one day maybe you’ll be able to move on too. Maybe you’ll even be happy.”
She turned her head to him, eyes containing an entire ocean. “Do you really think so?”
“I know so. Whether you're dead or alive, you can get your own happy ending, if you want it.” Todd smiled.
“I want it.”
“Then you’ll get it.” Todd took a deep breath, ready to test out one of his newer abilities he’d been developing since the last time he was in Vermont.
Reaching a hand up, he cupped her intangible shoulder. Focusing his mind in on where her shoulder would’ve been under his hand, he felt a dulled down version of the heat of a human body underneath his hand. He gripped her shoulder as she stared at him in confusion. She reached her hand up to Todd’s and placed it gently over the top of his knuckles, the faint heat of her palm brushing against his hand.
After a few more moments, Todd’s hand cut through the air as the heat dissipated. Giving her one last smile, Todd stood up, making his way back over to Charlie who greeted him a peck and a grin.
“Ghost busting a success?” He asked, standing up straight.
Todd glanced over to his previous spot on the curb, finding it vacant. “I hope so.”
“I’m not letting you win this time, by the way.”
“Right, right, because you totally let me win. You’re not just, I don’t know, inferior to me.” Todd laughed at Charlie as he stuck his tongue out at him childishly. “You’re actually twelve.”
“If I’m twelve, our relationship is entirely inappropriate.”
Todd sat down on the seat of the swing. “Shut up and lose, thank you very much.”
Charlie sat on the swing beside his. “I told you, I’m not letting you win this time!”
“It feels good to be back,” Todd said, swinging idly. He glanced around at the loosely familiar park, details coming into focus as his memories unblurred.
“Who would’ve thought? Us, happy to be back in Vermont, of all places.” Charlie huffed. “The boys would get a kick out of this.”
Todd blinked. “Oh, shit, we forgot to tell… literally anybody we’re here.”
“So that's what we forgot. I knew it was something.” Charlie pulled out his phone from his pocket. “I’ve got it.” He typed for a couple seconds; Todd’s phone buzzed.
Helton’s Best
Chadlie: hey boys bee tee double you me and toddsie are back in vermont xoxo
Knoxy Woxy: AYO???
Camelron: What?
STEVEN: y’all are the reason i have trust issues bc no way
Pitter Patter: you’re joshing me rn
Twig: Lmao why
Writer Man: one, i’m vetoing toddsie off the nickname list
Writer man: two, this is how you told them?
Chadlie: you didnt specify how
STEVEN: pics or it didn’t happen
Camelron: Agreed. Charlie is a liar.
Chadlie: lies and slander
Writer man: he’s right though
Charlie swiped at Todd’s phone, Todd yanking away so harshly he almost toppled out of the swing.
Knoxy Woxy: Im so confused
Pitter Patter: @Chadlie ARE YOU SLASH JAY OR SLASH ES ARE ES RN
Twig: four eel pitts
Camelron: I’m going to pass out.
Chadlie: thank you for ur service king
STEVEN: WHERE ARE THE PICS, CHARLES ??
Charlie rolled his eyes so far, Todd could see them fall to the bark below them. “Since when we’re our friends so demanding?” Despite that comment, he still took a selfie of them on the swings - Charlie flipping the camera off and Todd offering an unimpressed look.
Chadlie: the proof you requested, steven
Twig: holy fuck batman you really are in vermont
Camelron: Why exactly are you two in Vermont?
Pitter Patter: rt
STEVEN: vouch
Knoxy Woxy: so true cam
Writer Man: it's halloween so we’re doing the scariest thing imaginable
Writer Man: reliving our pasts and being confronted with the passage of time x
Chadlie: so real for that one todderton
Writer Man: nope
Camelron: Todd, I don’t think therapy is enough for you.
Camelron: Have you considered an institution?
Pitter Patter: LMAOOOO WAIT IM DYING
Twig: DAMN WTF CAM??
STEVEN: did not have to do my man like that omg
Knoxy Woxy: out of pocket !! what did todd DO
Todd groaned as Charlie cackled so hard, he fell from the swing, clutching his stomach with tears in his eyes. “Holy shit! I- I can’t fucking breathe, babe, I-” he laughed harder.
Kicking him in the side, Todd smiled despite himself. “Get up. I need to kick your ass in this swinging competition, again .”
After walking around the rest of the day, the two of them laid in the slightly stiff double bed in their motel, half on top of each other doing their own things. Todd could hear the snippets of sound coming from Charlie’s phone as he scrolled through social media, a comforting noise rather than an annoyance.
“What's your plan for tomorrow?” Charlie asked.
“Get some flowers, visit, sit and talk. Maybe find some ghosts, give them some company.”
Charlie nodded against his shoulder. “Anything I can do to help?”
Todd’s heart swelled, pressed against his ribs to throw itself out of his chest and into Charlie’s hands. The first time he was in Vermont, he’d thought he’d never love anybody; let alone be loved. He’d thought he was destined to be alone, fated to be terrified and outcasted and sad forever. The last time he was in Vermont, he’d been tentatively hopeful and for once in his life, had wanted something and was trying to make it happen. He’d left with a sense of purpose, of meaning, of life for the first time since he’d met Rory on that swing as a kid.
Now, the present time he was in Vermont, Todd could say he was happy. And he knew he was loved, so, so much; and he loved, he loved so, so much too.
Todd reached for Charlie’s hand and squeezed it in his. “Just keep being you, okay? That’s all you need to do for me - ever.”
Charlie smiled, dark eyes flecked with stars like the night sky. “That can be arranged.”
And Todd kissed him, and Todd was good.
Visiting Travis and Richard at the flower shop again was nice. The four of them had kept loosely in touch since the move, exchanging comments on social media and the occasional message, but seeing them in person was a treat. They were dressed up for Halloween - Travis as a devil and Richard as an angel, they thought it was funny - and gave them a flower bouquet wrapped in spiderwebbed patterned tissue paper (after a long catchup, that is).
Neil’s grave was cleaner than the last time he’d seen it, some of the dirt and grime washed off and the moss carved away. The grass around his stone was freshly cut, and somebody had placed a fresh set of candles in front of it.
Charlie kneeled down to place the flowers in front of the grave, pulling out his lighter while he was down there and lighting the candles.
Todd took a seat on the grass as Charlie stood up, dusting off his jeans. “Hey, Neil. Happy Halloween.”
“Happy Halloween to my favourite cousin.” Charlie gestured to the flowers. “There’s your treat; dunno what they mean, sorry.” He grabbed a cigarette and lit it, smiling down at the headstone. “I’ll leave you two to it. Call me if you need me.” He leaned down for a quick peck on Todd’s temple before wandering away, further into the graveyard.
Looking at Neil's gravestone, Todd traced the engraving with his finger. “A lot has happened since you’ve been gone. I can’t believe it's been so long, you know?” He picked at the grass, tearing a handful up and dropping it. “I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve been here - though, I think you’d follow no matter where I was. I like to think you’re in our apartment somewhere, sitting on the couch or leaning on the kitchen counter. I prefer to think you’re there, even if I can’t see you anymore.” He shrugged, chuckling to himself. “I don’t know if that’s true, though.”
He glanced over at Charlie, who was loitering around some graves in the distance. “I’ve been good - been really good, actually. University is alright, it’s just school, but it’s nice to focus on stuff I actually like. I took an acting class once, I was awful, but we did some Shakespeare.” Todd’s lips twitched at the corners. “Twelfth Night. It made me think of you. Not as many things make me think of you, anymore. I don’t know how to feel about that.”
Regarding the headstone, Todd blinked away the glassiness in his eyes. “God, I miss you. I really miss you, some days more than others.” The headstone stared at him. “Some days, though, I don’t even think of you, and that makes me feel so awful. And, I don’t know why, because you wanted me to be happy. I’m happy, Neil. But I don’t want to be happy while forgetting you; you made me believe I could be happy in the first place.”
The headstone - expectedly - had no comforting words, it sat in front of Todd, stagnant and stone just as it always had been.
“What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that I’m still learning. I’m still moving on and growing from you after all this time, and it’s not easy. There are things that make it easier - school, my friends, Jeff, Charlie - but a part of me is still back in our dorm in Welton, part of me is still there.” He laughed a little to himself, the sound dry. “I thought that after the initial grief, it’d be smooth sailing, and some days it is. But other days it's not. It’s really not. And I feel so awful, because I have everything I never had, and I truly am happy.”
Todd clenched his fists in the grass, tearing the blades from the dirt. He released them. “What I’m realising is that stuff like this, the stuff that matters - the stuff that hurts? It sticks around, and that it’s okay that it does. It's completely okay; I’m completely okay. There is nothing wrong with me for feeling things, for being hurt, for missing you. I can be happy, and still have you. And I can be happy, and not have you sometimes too.” Todd’s eyes watered, but his mouth smiled. “I’m done feeling wrong for feeling shit. I’m allowed to hold onto you, and I’m allowed to let you go, too. I can do both.”
His eyes drifted to Charlie, who was reading over engravings on different graves and occasionally lighting the candles left behind. “I’m still figuring this whole living thing out, Neil, I’ll be honest. And that's fine. I’m fine, Neil. God, next time I’ll script this all out so I don’t ramble like an idiot.”
Todd shuffled closer to the grave, and pushing himself up onto one knee, he leaned his forehead against the cool, slightly rough stone. Bringing two fingers up to his lips, Todd kissed them, before leaning his head back and pressing the fingers to Neil’s name. He stood, dusting his pants off. Todd looked down at Neil’s headstone for a minute more.
“Goodbye, Neil. Love you always, and see you around.”
“You okay?” Charlie questioned as Todd approached him, immediately wrapping his arm around Todd’s body and pulling him close.
Todd hugged him back, pulling away to give Charlie a quick peck. “I’m alright.” He peeked back at Neil’s grave, indistinguishable besides the brightly coloured flowers before it from the other graves - all gray blips lined up like soldiers. Todd looked back into Charlie’s eyes, stomach fluttering at the glimmer of adoration in his eyes. “Do you wanna get brunch?”
Charlie gripped Todd by the hand, a laugh bubbling out of him. “I thought you’d never ask.”