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It was another morning at Liberty High. Clay Jensen passed Tony Padilla in the hallway as he headed to homeroom. Clay nodded at him and Tony returned the gesture. Clay didn’t notice the sadness in Tony’s eyes.
Communications class had started for several minutes and Hannah hadn’t arrived. Clay always eagerly waited for Hannah to come to take her seat near him, and her absence made him feel somewhat anxious and lonely.
Probably just running late, he thought to himself.
Despite him thinking that she had made Jeff’s death about her and what had happened at the party, deep down he still cared about her, a lot.
It’s okay. After class, I’ll tell her I’m sorry for calling her a drama queen. Yeah, I’ll do that. I’ll make things right. She’ll forgive me. Clay thought to himself, smiling a little as he thought about Hannah.
As class went on, Clay anxiously tapped his fingers on his desk as he waited for Hannah to show up.
Maybe she has a doctor's appointment, he thought, shifting his focus back to the class.
Part way through the usual boring lesson, an announcement came over the school intercom.
“Attention students and faculty, I have very sad news. Our own student Hannah Baker passed away last night. She took her own life and this is something that I and the rest of the school faculty take very seriously. I want to reiterate the importance of coming forward and asking for help. The school has many resources available…” Principal Bolan’s voice faded away into the background as Clay’s head felt like he’d been hit by a hammer. His palms filled with sweat.
No. This can’t be true! THE Hannah Baker? No! Am I in a dream?! Please let this be a dream! Clay frantically thought to himself, as mental gymnastics proceeded to commence. The grieving process had begun.
Clay asked to use the bathroom after Principal Bolan finished his announcement. He washed his teary face at the sink and his mind was filled with endless thoughts about Hannah. Her beautiful smile, her witty character, all of it filled the boy’s heartbroken body. He’d forgotten that he’d ever been mad at her.
After class, Clay went to his locker. As he put his stuff inside, he watched as students who barely even knew Hannah placed heartwarming tributes on her locker. He sighed heavily as tears returned to his eyes.
The rest of the day went by slowly. The only thing on Clay’s mind was Hannah. Finally, the school day was over and Clay made his way to leave.
“Clay,” A voice near him called out as he passed by the front office on the way out.
Clay turned around.
“Um, hey Mr. Porter,” he replied softly.
Mr. Porter took a moment to look at Clay’s obviously teary eyed face and offered a somber smile.
“How are you feeling? I’m sorry. You look…bothered. You knew Hannah Baker didn’t you?” He asked. Clay turned his eyes away as his mind went back to Hannah.
“Yeah, I did. Is it true? Did she really kill herself?” Clay asked.
Mr. Porter took a breath. “Yes. It’s true. She took her own life at home last night,” Mr. Porter explained with quivering lips.
Clay nodded slowly and bit his lips. Tears were forming again but he held them in.
“Would you like to come into my office to talk? It’s a difficult thing to go through, Clay. Losing a friend must be difficult. It helps to have someone to talk to,” Mr. Porter offered, genuinely.
Clay bit his lip and shook his head.
“No, thank you. But thanks...really. I have to go,” he said.
“Sure, Clay. Take care. But if you change your mind, please don’t hesitate to come to me,” Mr. Porter said to the boy who had already started walking away.
The warm afternoon breeze touched his face as Clay rode his bike home with the pain of Hannah’s death filling his body.
When he got home, Clay plopped down on his bed and his mind began racing.
It’s all just a bad dream. Everything’s fine. Hannah’s okay. I’ll see her again soon. I need to talk to her. I’m going to talk to her. I have to…” Clay’s lips quivered and his hands shook.
He took out his cellphone and found Hannah on his contact list. He pressed the dial and anxiously waited for Hannah to answer. After a few moments, the call went to voicemail.
“You’ve reached Hannah Baker! Please leave a message.” Hannah’s sweet voice filled Clay’s ears and he began crying harder than he’d ever had in his life.
Reality had won and now there was no more denying it. The grieving boy lay on his bed crying rivers of tears for his dead love.
Why Hannah?! Why did you do this? Why did you leave me? Please come back. I miss you. I love you. I’m so sorry. Hannah, please. I want to talk to you. I need to tell you that I’m sorry for calling you a drama queen. Please let me tell you how much I care about you!
That night, Clay Jensen cried himself to sleep.
The next morning, Clay felt like he was living in slow motion. After picking at his breakfast, to the notice of his parents, he got on his bike and headed out. He rode slowly toward the school. His mind was only occupied by one person, Hannah. Memories of her played non stop like a fast paced movie through his mind. Clay felt like he had stepped into a new world. This new world felt empty, like something had been taken from it, never to be put back. It hurt him to think that one moment Hannah was here with him, and the next moment she was gone forever. He had seen and spoken to her for the very last time and never knew it.
At school, Clay looked at Hannah’s locker where the mural had grown larger. He made a mental note to put his own thing up to show his respects, but he had to get to class.
He waded slowly through the hallway. The thought that Hannah Baker had been walking in these very halls earlier in the week hurt him so much. Clay still felt that he would run into her at school. It was like her body heat hadn’t yet dissipated from off of the earth. She still had a presence that Clay could feel inside him. She had just been laughing with him at The Crestmont, watching the moon with him, dancing with him, and sharing a kiss with him, and then just like that, she was gone.
His mind still expected Hannah with all of her charm and beauty, to walk in and take her seat in communications, but she would never take her seat near him ever again. His friend and love was gone forever and Clay was angry at that finality of it.
“I’m sad but also angry, Tony. Is that normal?” Clay asked as he sat in the passenger seat of Tony’s Mustang.
Tony Padilla nodded softly.
“Yeah man. People feel all sorts of things when they lose a loved one,” he replied.
Clay’s eyes filled with tears.
“I can’t believe it! She’s really dead! Jesus Christ!” Clay exclaimed with tears freely flowing down his face.
Tony looked at Clay and felt his friend’s pain. He almost felt like not allowing the tapes to be passed to Clay, seeing the state that he was in.
“I know you cared a lot about her. She was a good person, truly. What happened was horrible,” Tony said softly.
“How about the two of us skip class for the rest of the day? You want ice cream?” Tony asked, seeing that Clay would be better taking the rest of the day off.
“Sure, okay. Yeah. Thanks Tony, I appreciate it,” Clay replied, wiping his tears with his hoodie sleeve.
“Great. Hold tight for a minute. I’ll put your bike in the trunk,” Tony said.
Clay would continue to grieve for Hannah over the next week until a package arrived at his doorstep. Soon his questions would be answered, and nothing would ever be the same.