Chapter Text
“There’s no need to rush. After all, Headspace will always be here for you, Dreamer.”
*
“Basil?”
Hero called out his name, concern in his voice. The blond blinked, trying to get rid of the tears in his eyes. He couldn’t help but feel like shit. He didn’t deserve his friends, not after what he did. Yet here they were, visiting him every day, staying until the hospital’s staff kicked them out when visit hours came to an end, trying to give Basil some normalcy whenever they talked.
He didn’t deserve Kel’s words of encouragement, or Hero’s soft “Are you okay?” every time he woke up between sobs. He didn’t even deserve Aubrey’s awkward silence. He was scum; scum for deceiving them for so long. Scum for knowing this, yet not refusing their care. How could he? Would they treat him the same if they knew? He gulped, a series of images forming in his mind. A broken violin, a staircase, a tree, a rope, a-
“Basil.”
His friend’s voice was louder this time, snapping him out of his thoughts. Basil looked up, meeting their worried gazes. “You know,” Hero began, unsure, “if you still can’t tell us what happened that day–”
“No!” He yelped, startling the older boy. “I’m f-fine, I swear!” Basil immediately regretted opening his mouth. No, he wasn’t. Why did he have to say that? He was about to burst into tears.
Kel, Aubrey, Hero… They were so confused. In their eyes, he attacked Sunny without any sense or reason. Basil wished that were the case. Maybe things would be easier to explain that way. But everything was so much more complicated than a panic attack.
Ever since the day of the recital things went downhill, his paranoia getting worse each day, his guilt eating him from his insides. He tried pushing his thoughts away, repeating the same phrase over and over again.
Everything is going to be okay.
But it all became too much for him to handle. And in the end, he made things worse.
What am I even supposed to tell them?
He didn’t know. To explain what made him act the way he did, he would have to talk about Mari, the recital, everything. He wasn’t ready to do that just yet. But his friends deserved an explanation, didn’t they?
Things are finally taking a turn for the better, wouldn’t this ruin everything?
He knew he was being foolish, trying to cling to the thought that everything could go back to the way it was. But everyone was back, they were finally together again, just as Basil had hoped every day. Maybe, just maybe, he shouldn’t tell the truth.
I’ll just keep lying. We’ve kept the truth hidden for so long, what’s the point in stopping now? The truth will only hurt them. It’ll only hurt me. They’ve all moved on. What would we even gain from telling them? Comfort? Relief? Closure? Whatever it is, it isn’t worth it. Not anymore.
“I–”
Besides, wouldn’t it be selfish to tell them about what really happened years after we buried her? I just want things to go back to the way they were then. I want to forget and move on, to pretend Mari killed herself four years ago.
“It’s okay Basil. Take a deep breath, we’ll wait for you.”
But how can I move on, knowing I was the one who came up with such a horrid way to hide the truth? That I was the one who tied the noose around her neck? Isn’t that selfish of me?
“Yeah! No pressure at all dude, just tell us when you’re ready!”
Then again, I’ve always been selfish. That’s why we got into this mess in the first place. I could’ve handled things better, I should’ve handled things better. Sunny trusted I would know what to do, but I didn’t. I was so scared they were going to take him away from me. I did what I thought was necessary but in the end, he left me.
Everyone did.
Basil started feeling dizzy, his thoughts overwhelming him. Having everyone staring at him didn’t make things better. His head felt heavy. He knew this day would come yet he wasn’t prepared for it. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. He didn’t know anything.
He bit his lip. Couldn’t he have more time?
He couldn’t. He knew that. Mari didn’t get that chance, so why was he any different? The world doesn’t take pity on anyone, even less if that someone’s hands are tainted red. Still, he couldn’t help but yearn for old times. Times where he wasn’t a liar. Times when Mari didn’t haunt his dreams and times when he never hurt his friends. He couldn’t help but shudder, remembering just how afraid Sunny looked when he–
Sunny… Basil wished he was here. But it had already been almost a week since both of them were admitted and only he’s woken up. Sunny showed no signs of improvement, but that’s to be expected. Four years of isolation and malnourishment won’t go away so easily, if they ever do. Not to mention his eye– No, thinking about the past won’t help right now. Still, if only he could see him…
As if some god had heard his wish, he saw Sunny's head peeking through the door. Basil blinked. His eyes were playing tricks on him, right? There was no way he-
Sunny took a step forward and then stopped, standing just outside the door's frame. He looked down, avoiding Basil’s eyes. Is he scared of me?
Basil felt his heart drop. His friend looked so small. The hospital gown wasn’t helping either. Tears started streaming down his cheeks, as he saw the bandages around his head and eye. Sunny didn’t deserve this, yet he was the one to blame for his current state.
“Sunny, I–”
Sunny looked up. And Basil broke down.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault, I should’ve– I couldn’t– I’m so sorry, Sunny, my best friend… Please, I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t–”
Basil tried desperately to apologize, he wanted to run and hug his friend. But his sobs clogged his words, and the tears blurred his sight. His friends rushed to his side, shocked by the blond’s sudden breakdown. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he could hear their voices, trying to comfort him. But he wasn’t listening.
“Basil! Are… okay? Try to…!”
“…wrong? Basil… please!”
“...at me! …Sunny?”
Everyone’s eyes followed Basil’s. No one moved, no one talked. It felt as if time had stopped completely. And then, a single sentence came out of Sunny’s mouth.
“I have to tell you something.”
The rest was all but a blur in Basil’s head.
He remembers Sunny’s hoarse voice, and his own joining in, despite not knowing what words came out of his mouth. Silence. Then, screams, cries, sobs. He remembers Hero leaving the room, a deep sadness reflecting in his eyes and Aubrey’s harsh words, as she tried lunging at them, her fists ready to hit his face. He remembers Kel stopping her, dragging her away with all his strength as she yelled at them and seeing them disappear through the door frame, their voices slowly dying out as they walked away.
He remembers sitting in bed, looking at his best friend, who turned around when he noticed his gaze, blue eyes meeting black. He remembers Sunny smiling at him, a tiny smile that he hadn’t seen in four years, and him smiling back, a familiar yet forgotten warmth filling his entire body as he reached for his friend’s hand.
He remembers the shock of everything being subdued by relief as he thought everything is going to be okay, both teens sitting in silence, the soft sunlight from outside sneaking through the window. He remembers how for the first time in years he actually believed in his own words, the mantra that helped him endure his guilt and misery for so long gaining back its meaning.
He remembers everything. Yet why did he feel the uneasiness rising inside of him? He squeezed Sunny’s hand, trying to calm down. Does he feel the same?, he thought. Maybe he could ask Sunny. Yeah, that was a good idea. He was probably just paranoid, right?
“Sunny, do you–”
Before he could finish, his friend got up, letting go of his hand in the process. He looked at Basil, with his usual neutral expression back on his face before turning away. Basil watched as he disappeared into the hospital’s hallways, feeling helpless. He was being selfish, wasn’t he? Sunny must be exhausted after everything that happened, both physically and mentally. Yet Basil still wanted him to stay and comfort him.
What a shitty friend you are.
...
Wait.
Was it safe for Sunny to wander around the hospital like that? His anxiety shot through the roof as he realized. Didn’t Sunny just wake up? His friends updated them on his condition whenever they came to visit him since he couldn’t leave his room. Either they lied to him or Sunny really woke up today.
But his friends wouldn’t lie to him, would they? No, they wouldn’t. They are good people, far away from who Basil is. But doesn’t that mean Sunny’s been on his own for who knows how long? Oh my god, what if he got injured? Or lost? Basil got up, almost falling in the process as his legs got tangled up in the bed sheets. He knocked the IV pole, desperately trying to catch up with his friend.
How could I be so stupid?
He ran as fast as his legs allowed him to, feeling his chest tighten. Sunny wasn’t okay. Basil had to protect him, his best friend, no matter what. He had already lost him before, he wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
Ah.
He remembered.
Sunny…
Sunny didn’t smile, did he? At least, not in the way Basil holds dear. For you see, Sunny doesn’t smile with his mouth, but with his eyes.
And, at that time, Sunny’s eye was completely dead.
*
“You…” Aubrey spat as she clenched her fists. She could feel her entire body shaking, her confusion and shock being replaced by rage. Sunny stared at her, his face remaining unchanging. That only served to fuel her anger. He just told them he killed Mari and he can’t even show any sign of remorse? Did he even care about them?
The other one wasn’t any better. Her eyes drifted from Sunny to Basil, the blond flinching when her eyes met his. Just minutes ago she couldn’t help but feel guilty when seeing him, as she remembered how she treated him all those years. But now that she knew the truth behind Mari’s death… How did he even come up with something as gruesome as that?
The memory of the body of who she considered a sister flooded her mind without permission. She could still see it after all those years, her white dress moving in the wind as her long black hair covered her face, her entire body slowly swaying from side to side. It hurt, it hurt so much. And it hurt even more now that she knew it wasn’t even Mari herself who did that.
Aubrey saw red.
She launched herself towards the culprits, bloodshot eyes fixed on them as she screamed her lungs out. She didn’t care that this was a hospital nor that she used to see Sunny and Basil as friends in the past. At that moment a single thought crossed her mind.
It’s not fair.
Suddenly, she came to a halt. Why wasn’t she moving? Why was her body feeling so heavy? Why–
Kel. Aubrey looked up. Indeed, Kel was restraining her, his arms wrapped around her.
“Why are you protecting them, Kel?!” She snarled, trying to break free from his grasp. He just shook his head, as he started dragging both of them towards the door.
“Kelsey, let me go!” She kicked, and punched, hoping to break free. But it wasn't easy to get rid of a 6’2 basketball player, especially if he was clinging to you as if his life depended on it. She kept trying though, her anger still burning inside her heart. “They killed her, Kel! They killed Mari and you're protecting them?! She was only fifteen!"
She yelled as loud as she could, stating a fact that only made her heart ache. Memories flooded her head as she was dragged away: the smell of the ocean, the feeling of the grass beneath her feet, the taste of homemade cookies, the sound of Sunny’s violin when he played the first note on a happy Christmas night, and the sight of Mari’s smile as she carried a small picnic basket as the six of them made their way through the park to a lake hidden between trees.
It’s not fair.
Her punches started to weaken and her eyes felt heavy, tears slowly running down her face as the anger was washed away and replaced with sadness. Her voice cracked as she tried to scream again, weak sobs coming out instead.
She finally had them back, the friends she thought had abandoned her. She finally felt the pain Mari’s death caused starting to subdue. For the first time in years, Aubrey felt hope. But life was cruel and in a sick, twisted joke, it had been snatched out of her hands.
It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fairit’snotfairit’snotfairit’snotfair–
“Why…” she said between gasps, “did it have to turn out like this?” Her legs finally gave out and she felt as she collapsed, relying on Kel to help her stay on her feet. His grasp was strong, but gentler. He hugged her and she hid her face in his chest as her muffled sobs echoed through the entire place. Aubrey couldn’t help but feel a little better. She would never admit it out loud, but Kel always gave the best hugs.
“It’s just… not fair…” She sniffled, trying to calm down. Aubrey felt safe and warm thanks to Kel's embrace as both stood in the middle of the hallway. That is until she stopped feeling his arms around her. She heard a laugh. Followed by another. But it wasn’t a happy sound. She looked up.
Oh.
Kel was crying. He tried to smile but the tears kept coming out of his eyes, a few of them landing on Aubrey’s cheeks. “It really isn’t fair, right Aubrey?” He said, his voice soft and frail. Aubrey didn’t know how to react. Kel never cried; he was always so cheerful, always trying to look at the positive sides of things. But he was crying. Panicked, Aubrey did what she thought was best and simply hugged him back. Kel noticed because he immediately tried wiping away his tears.
“I’m sorry.” Kel smiled again, this time looking more genuine. “Guess that took a toll on all of us, huh?”
Aubrey nodded.
“I know I’m not the… best at comforting people,” he started, hesitant, “that was usually Mari’s job… but, at least this time we’re together. Things will never be the same, I know that. But we can’t have that discourage us from being happy!”
Wow. Kel said something that actually made sense. Aubrey couldn’t help but smile. “You’re so cheesy, dude. How can you say all of that and not gag?”
“Hey! You have no right to say that when you’re hugging me!”
Quickly realizing the veracity of this fact, Aubrey broke the embrace, flustered. “Tell anyone about this and I’ll deck you in the face.” She mumbled, trying to sound threatening. Needless to say, she failed, though even if she had somehow managed to keep up her tough facade, it would’ve been ruined by her red eyes and blushing cheeks.
Kel laughed. “No, you won’t! We both know Hero wouldn’t cook for you if you broke my nose or something,” he teased, his voice returning to his usual cheerful tone. Aubrey snorted. He was right, she couldn’t risk missing out on Hero’s cooking. Still, though… the more he talked, the more inclined Aubrey was to make that sacrifice.
“Anywayyyyy,” Kel said, as he stretched his arms in the air, “we should probably get out of here before a nurse kicks us out. I don’t think they appreciated the ruckus we made.”
"True." Aubrey hummed in agreement. She didn’t want to stay in this place any longer, anyway. “I’m going to the cafeteria.” She started to walk away, “I bet their food is as shitty as it can get, but it’s better than standing here like a dumbass.”
She was already halfway through the hallway when she realized Kel wasn’t following her. “Hey… you good?”
Kel looked at her as if he had forgotten she was there. “Oh! Yeah, I’m fine!" There was a pause between the two. She narrowed her eyes, knowing exactly what Kel's expression meant. And just as she opened her mouth to ask...
"Hey, Aubs…?” She tilted her head, signaling him to continue. “Do you mind if I catch up with you later? I’d like to check on Hero first…”
Hero… All that happened made her forget about him. Who knows where he ran off to after–
She shook her head. “Go ahead. I’ll text you if I see him by any chance.”
Kel gave her a thumbs up and rushed past her towards the stairs. Aubrey stared at his back until Kel had completely disappeared. She frowned as Sunny’s words echoed in her head. Just when she thought things couldn’t get any shittier, life had to spit on her face. Well, whatever. She shrugged, as she made her way toward the elevators. I’m used to it by now.
Someone once said things have to get worse before they get better.
Aubrey was about to learn that the hard way.
*
Kel ran past a couple of doctors, one of whom yelled at him to not run in the hallways. He didn’t stop. Right now, his brother was his only concern. What was he thinking, letting him leave on his own after what happened? Sure, this whole thing shocked him just as it would shock anyone else, but still. Didn’t he have even the tiniest of common sense?
At least I stopped Aubrey from going to prison today, he thought, trying to console himself. For a split second, Kel could’ve sworn she would’ve beaten up Sunny and Basil to a pulp had he not stopped her. Good thing he was fast. Aubrey might’ve done something she would regret later on.
Despite trying not to show it, Kel knew Aubrey still blamed herself for what happened at the lake with Basil. And, in a way, he blamed himself too. He should’ve noticed just how much Mari’s death affected her, but instead, he kept pushing her away, thinking somehow that was the best course of action. But, as always, everything ended up blowing in his face and with Hero having to deal with the mess. He truly wasn’t qualified to help others…
He shook his head, trying to put those thoughts aside for now. Hero needed him.
Kel felt a lump in his throat. He had to find him as soon as possible. Even though he was way better than four years ago, Kel didn’t know how well his brother had taken this new information. He couldn’t help but feel scared, the image of a disheveled Hero locked up in their room flashing before his eyes.
Don’t think about that now, Kel, he scolded himself internally as he leaned against a wall to catch his breath. Maybe he should’ve taken the elevator instead of running up the stairs…
He frowned, as he tried to think of just where exactly Hero could be. He had checked almost all the hospital and parking lot, and Aubrey would’ve texted him long ago had she seen his brother at the cafeteria. Hero wouldn’t have left the hospital, would he? No, Hero would never leave him and Aubrey on their own, especially after what happened. But he’s looked everywhere and–
Well, that last part wasn’t entirely true. Still, there was no reason for him to believe Hero would be there of all places. I might as well try, though… he thought as he headed towards the elevator. As much as he enjoyed exercise, he was not taking the stairs again. He pressed the button for the fourth floor, where Sunny’s room was located, praying his brother was there.
Sure enough, when he opened the door he found his brother sitting in Sunny’s bed, dead silent. Hero perked up at the sound of his footsteps as he hesitantly made his way towards him, looking genuinely surprised. Kel noticed his puffy eyes and felt his stomach drop. Hero had cried. Why wouldn’t he? Mari was his first love after all. And Sunny… Well, he’d rather not think about all of this right now.
He forced himself to speak. “Hero? What are you doing here?”
Hero let out a nervous laugh. “I could ask you the same thing, you know?” Kel narrowed his eyes. He knew exactly what Hero was trying to do. He sighed as he sat down next to his brother, who avoided Kel’s eyes.
“I thought we agreed bottling up our feelings is a bad thing?” Hero nodded, his eyes fixed on the floor. “Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, then?”
“I’m fine.” Kel almost snorted. He knew Hero was bad at lying but this was just ridiculous.
“No, you’re not.” He huffed, a little annoyed. Why was his brother always like this? “Hero, please… I’m worried about you. You don’t have to deal with all of this on your own, remember?”
Hero didn’t answer. Kel couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated as he stared at the ceiling. Was he really that incompetent at helping others? He’s trying his best, but his best is never enough.
If he was enough, maybe Sunny wouldn’t have locked himself up for four years. Aubrey wouldn’t have had to deal with her grief alone. Basil wouldn’t have been on the receiving end of days and days of bullying and harassment. Hero wouldn’t have fallen behind one year because of his depression.
He was never enough, was he? He always tried to smile, but what good has that ever done? People were right, all he ever did was make things wor–
“Kel.”
Hero’s voice startled him. Oh. He had gotten caught up in his thoughts. He blinked, noticing for the first time just how heavy his eyes felt. Hero put his hand on his shoulder, a small comforting gesture that Kel appreciated. He gave his brother a weak smile and chuckled nervously.
“Sorry, I’m just–”
Hero shook his head. “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize, Kel. Right now, everyone must be feeling disoriented. Myself included.” He sighed, probably just as tired as he was. “Things… well, things are just a mess. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed.”
Kel looked at him, curious. “Well, what are you thinking about right now?”
Hero took a deep breath. “I- I’m confused.” He admitted. “And angry. I don’t know if I’m even willing to try and forgive Sunny and Basil. I couldn’t even visit her grave up until a few weeks ago, so having such… unpleasant memories come back some suddenly…
“When Mari passed, I couldn’t care less about everything else. I let guilt and grief overwhelm me, and I didn’t notice how I wasn’t the only one suffering. All I could do was ask myself ‘What did I do wrong?’ as if somehow repeating the same words over and over again was going to bring her back...”
Kel remained silent, not wanting to interrupt his brother. This was probably the first time he’d talked about his feelings regarding Mari’s death. He tried getting Hero to open up before, but he would always reassure him that he was fine and change the subject before Kel could try pressing on. But now, he was willingly talking about it. About her.
“I was mad at myself for not noticing the signs. I couldn’t do anything to bring her back. I was so mad because all my life people told me I was just so good at everything, yet she still died.”
Hero ran a hand through his hair, visibly upset. “And all that anger, all that frustration, it became too much for me to handle. Eventually, I lost myself. And a whole year of my life. I wish I didn’t, but I can’t change the past nor can I take back all the things I said.”
Kel flinched.
How would you know what Mari would think? You don't know anything!
“After all these years, I thought I was making progress, finally trying to move on, just like you did.” He let out a sad laugh, shaking his head. “But in all honesty, all I’ve done is bottle up my feelings and pretend everything is fine.”
Kel couldn’t help but butt in. “But you are getting better, Hero. You wouldn’t be telling me any of this if you weren't.”
Hero smiled at him, then sighed. “Thank you, Kel. I know I still have to make a lot of progress to get better and move on. But after what just happened I can’t help but be mad at Sunny and Basil for keeping the truth from us for so long. I wanted to yell at them, let them know just how much I was hurt. How I am hurt. But instead, I left.”
“I can’t face them right now. Learning what they did…” Hero closed his eyes. “It felt like someone punched my guts out. But I still care about them. And I don't want to make the same mistake I did three years ago.”
God, why can't you understand how I feel?! Did you even care about her, Kel?!
“But I shouldn’t have left you and Aubrey alone. I’m sorry, I should’ve known better. I say I want to make up for past mistakes, yet I was selfish and left you and Aubrey to deal with–”
Kel cut him off. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, Hero. You weren’t selfish at all, I understand why you had to distance yourself. If I’m being honest, I–”
Now’s not the time for that, Kel.
He smiled, shaking his head. “Never mind, It’s not important. Say, how about we get some fresh air? The air sure feels heavy in here…” He said, trying to change the subject.
Hero narrowed his eyes, then nodded. “You’re right, staying here won’t do us any good.”
“Oh! Let me text Aubrey first. I told her I was going looking for you so we split ways.” He explained as he reached into his pocket for his phone.
Kel froze.
There was a single notification on his phone’s screen. A text message, the name of the sender shining in black, bold letters.
Aubrey
Huh.
He opened the text.
“Kel? What’s wrong?”
Kel almost dropped his phone, nausea quickly overwhelming him. Hero rushed to his side, concerned. He leaned over to see Aubrey’s message.
“…let’s go.”
Kel and Hero rushed to the elevators, their fear growing more and more with each step they took. They had the same thought at the same time. And they both hoped they were wrong.