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The sunlight flickers through the bedroom window on a cold Sunday morning waking Donghyuck from his slumber. He moves and turns around to sleep on the other side while his hands casually fall on the space beside him to pull his lover close to him. But to his dismay, his hands find nothing but space.
Did he leave for work? Already?
The question brushes over him like a cold winter breeze. Like the cold has found a way to sweep through his body up to his heart and has settled down. It tugs his heart under, suffocating him with sadness along with a pinch of distress and anger.
Why can't his job wait? He grumbles, unable to stomach the distance between him and his partner. The distance isn't huge either, but waking up on an empty cold bed almost every morning certainly makes him feel like the distance is astronomical.
The realization that it's a Sunday morning and that his lover didn't actually leave the house to work doesn't dawn on him. The suffocation of sadness, anger and disturbance still creeps deep inside him like a nightmare. His eyes are still shut, refusing to open to see the empty mattress that has this huge floral design his lover himself has chosen. After a painful minute, which feels like ages, he realizes that he doesn't want to mull over it and make it painfully obvious to his colleagues or his students — when he goes to work — about the fact that he had a rough morning. He doesn't want to go to school, stand in front of the class and chide his students every other second just because his mornings are devoid of physical touch.
And so, with a huge frown on his face, he wakes up. His long black hair is messy and his bangs cover his eyes. He likes it this way, it keeps the sunlight away from his eyes. He drags his feet to the washroom, brushes his teeth and after a few minutes, comes out, still feeling blue.
He lets his head fall back in a groan and walks to his bedside table to take his phone. When his attention finally falls on the day, he's pleasantly surprised.
“It's Sunday! ” he internally jumps. And a beautiful smile forms on his melanin skin that makes him glow under the sunlight like a gorgeous prince.
This time a wave of warmth hits his body. The feeling is spring, slightly foreign as he hasn't felt this silly happiness for a very long time. The feeling is slightly pushed off as he immediately wonders about his lover's whereabouts. When he looks out of the window, his car is parked outside their small rented independent house, the door is open and a small body sits inside. Confusion is clear on Donghyuck's face and immediately he's on his feet running downstairs longing for his lover's touch and also filled with so many questions.
“Jun?” he calls him, rubbing his eyes, still not used to the bright sunshine. “The hell are you doing?” he bends, looking inside the car and sees his lover looking back at him slightly surprised like he wasn't expecting him. He looks over to his watch and looks back at Donghyuck, still surprised.
“Why are you up so early?” he asks him, ignoring Donghyuck's question.
That question doesn't register in Donghyuck's head though. His eyes are examining his boyfriend and the fact that he's sitting inside the tiny car, with his acrylic paints sitting on the dashboard, his thumb peeking out of the hole in his painting pad and his white plain shirt has blue, green and yellow acrylic paint on it.
“Renjun-ah, seriously…what the hell are you up to?” Donghyuck laughs, ignoring Renjun back. It's silly… Renjun is here with paints all over him, he looks tiny, like an eight-year-old messing with paints like he's seen it for the first time. Like he's fascinated to try to paint on everything he sees.
“Ah,” he whines. “You were not supposed to see this!” he says, putting the brush down on the palette. He takes his free hand and shoves it on Donghyuck's face, pushing him out of the car.
His hands are too, coated with the paint.
“Ew,” Donghyuck's voice comes out muffled against Renjun's hand. He fights and takes his hand off his face. “Your hand has paint on it,” he grimaces. “Ew.”
“Well, I am painting, do you expect my hands to be coated with melted gold or something?”
“Painting what?” he asks, bewildered. “This dash?” he says, pointing to the dashboard.
He takes note of the same old Renjun thing in between his confusion. His raised shoulders, his hands on either side of his waist, his left hand still holding the palette in the most uncomfortable fashion, his deep frown, cheeks puffed out and lips forming a thin straight line — all the features completely indicating his dead serious look. And Donghyuck can't help but softly laugh.
“And I can't take you seriously with that face, baby, you know that.”
And then Renjun lets himself lose in anger — a rather playful one, that one Donghyuck is very much aware of. “Go back to the house, Donghyuck,” he says and drops back into the car, slamming the door shut.
But, Donghyuck stands behind with his mouth slightly open, trying to apologize and explain, but Renjun is too quick. He knocks on the car window but Renjun doesn't budge. When he knocks repeatedly, Renjun looks back swiftly. Though he didn't hear it, with his slight nose scrunch, it is evident that he hissed in anger.
Renjun pulls the window down and Donghyuck holds his ears, apologizing.
“Fine, paint all you want, but let me in!”
“What for?”
“I miss you,” he admits. But Renjun's eyes are fixed on the paints and the dashboard, he's too focused to hear him.
Donghyuck feels his face burning with the lack of attention he gets to express his honest feelings. A part of him feels rejected and another part of him wants to yell at him for not spending time with him when all they get is a Sunday. But he also knows that his boyfriend also gets Sunday to work on his hobby and so he stomps back inside like a child who didn't get what he wanted.
Donghyuck thinks of spending the next few hours cleaning the house, but Renjun has already done it. Cleaning the kitchen utensils, Renjun had done that too. The laundry is already in the washing machine.
Is he trying to make up for not being there every day? He wonders.
But in the end, he sighs and cleans himself and comes back to the living room and looks around.
He's hungry but he doesn't want to cook anything. He decides to wait for his boyfriend and then maybe cook together. And so he drops his body on the couch and turns the television on. Although his eyes are fixed on the television, his thoughts are still on Renjun. He looks back from the window hoping that Renjun would be done soon. He counts 100… 500… 1000, but still Renjun doesn't come out.
The sun shines brighter and brighter every second, making the car's surface shine. When the clock hits 10, he's concerned.
Is he burning inside?
He wants to go check on him so badly but he forces himself not to. He's not looking forward to getting rejected and pushed away again.
He doesn't know if Renjun is getting burned inside the car but he knows that he himself is burning from hunger. So, he switches the television off and walks into the kitchen to make a light breakfast that'll sustain him for the next hour or so. And as he places the pan on the stove, switches it on and turns around to get an egg from the fridge, he's startled to see Renjun standing behind him.
He stands quietly and Donghyuck's heart is pounding so fast that he can hear it thump in his ears. He doesn't even know when he walked inside, or what he's doing there. His white plain t-shirt hangs down to his knees and is filled with colors.
“What on earth?! Jun you —”
And before he can finish, Renjun drags him outside.
“I'm making an omelet!” Donghyuck tries to say.
“Fuck your omelet, brah,” Renjun retorts.
Donghyuck looks straight at his excited face and doesn't want to say anything back. His smile doesn't let him say anything. It only says: pause, stare and admire.
And so Donghyuck does. He pauses all his thoughts, stares at him and smiles in full admiration.
When Renjun finally stops at the car, he signals him to look. And on the dashboard, there is a beautiful painting of a landscape. The blue sky is full of heavy clouds, there are mountains and a river, and on either side of the painting there are huge trees and the sun shines on the landscape beautifully.
Donghyuck does the same thing again. Pauses. Stares and admires it.
“Do you like it?” Renjun asks. He's jumpy on his feet, waiting for the answer. “Say it quickly, you dick! I need to pee!”
Donghyuck laughs. That second is awesome, like an epiphany. Renjun is scary and a beautiful soul in and out – he is everything he has ever asked for, and that second, he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him.
And instead of replying, he bends down slightly, placing his profile against the other and pulling him into a soft kiss.
Ah, how much Donghyuck longed for this.
But it doesn't last even for a few seconds. Renjun pulls back, smiles widely as if he got the answer and runs back into the house leaving behind a laughing Donghyuck.
When Renjun comes back, he's clean and is dressed differently. He's in his boxers and a hoodie in which he dissolves completely. They have a hearty breakfast and then lounge on the couch as the television screams about something… show — or movie — or something that Donghyuck gives the least attention to.
He doesn't let his partner get away from him and snuggles into him every second like Renjun is leaving for a huge vacation for the next whole month leaving him alone behind.
And Sunday is over as quickly as Usain Bolt and doesn't even get enough of it or even realize it. But all he realizes is the fact that he's left wanting more.
“I missed you too,” is the last thing Renjun mumbles before he drifts off to sleep.
Well, if only waiting for Sunday means he'll get to hear Renjun saying he missed him, then he'll wait for it like his last breath depends on it.
And then in the blink of an eye, Monday comes. Donghyuck wakes up to the other side of his bed being empty, breakfast prepared and lunch packed. He looks at the landscape when he drives to his office and feels happy. There are deadlines for his projects and Donghyuck stays not realizing that the sun already waved goodbye for the day. When he drives home, he looks at the landscape, looking forward to snuggling into his boyfriend's arms.
He reaches home, freshens up and finds Renjun working on his laptop. He walks up to their fridge taking out two bottles of coke. He hands one to Renjun and joins him to just snuggle into his neck. Weekdays are like living in some kind of loop and the times he and Renjun snuggle in silence like this is the best time. They are too exhausted to share anything, the world and the hustle are too loud for them anyway and eliminating it on times like this is therapeutic.
On some days when Renjun has his office deadlines, Donghyuck is quick on his feet. He rushes to his work after preparing food for his lover. He cooks for him when he's late and hopes for weekends soon.
But the weekends take a hell lot of time to come and fly away like the breeze. But on those days, they kiss and kiss until they can't feel each other's faces anymore.
They talk and scream until they can't feel their mouths and throats anymore.
They talk about the future, their office, and that one annoying colleague and wonder why can't they just escape this routine and just run away into the mountains until they have no one but each other.
However, the ocean isn't always stable. Sometimes the tides go higher and higher until it drowns and sucks your souls away.
On the days when they have disagreements, on the days when they sleep in separate bedrooms and on the days whoever makes the breakfast or dinner first, doesn't bother to leave a taste of love in it, and on those days, Donghyuck looks at his car dashboard and wishes to pull that thing out of it and throw it in the pits of the ocean.
But he just stares at it, wondering… what if it's the end? What if it's the tsunami that's waiting to damage everything they've built?
And all, in the end, it leads to tears and sobs…
They come back home feeling empty, washed away, devoid of happiness and they just stare at each other. Questioning why they let their emotions take over them.
And they talk it out, embrace each other tightly like no tsunami can ever wash them away or even try to push away everything they've built for each other.
“This house doesn't make me feel at home, Jun…” Donghyuck lets out to Renjun one day.
Renjun looks up at him, placing his hands over his cheek, lovingly. “We still need time, Hyuck.”
Donghyuck takes his hand into his and kisses his birthmark. “I don't want to wait. I want us to get married.”
And at that, Renjun freezes. They had this conversation millions of times. They talked about how many pets they wanted, how many kids they wanted, what kind of house, what kind of plants and all of that stuff. And now that it's happening, Donghyuck knows Renjun is surprised. But very much ready.
The day comes, when they stand on the aisle in white, when they kiss in front of all their family, friends and the priest. When they travel… And when they finally get a new house…
And then Donghyuck finally feels at home.
It feels like home with Renjun, with his paintings hanging on every wall in every room.
Their tiny old car, now long forgotten, sitting in their garage as they get a new one. It feels like life is flowing in the exact way they've planned.
“You know,” Donghyuck begins, throwing popcorn into his mouth. “When we grow old, I've always wanted to do one thing.”
Beside him, Renjun has a bowl of popcorn for himself. He looks at Donghyuck thoughtfully.
“That I wanna ring the doorbell and run away quickly before you open the door. And when you do, you find no one and you irritatingly shut it assuming it's some silly kid. And I do it repeatedly until you find out that it's me.”
Renjun's beautiful normal face falls into an irritated one. And Donghyuck is already laughing at that look. He takes a popcorn and throws it at Donghyuck, shaking his head.
“You're insane,” he says. Donghyuck takes a few popcorns himself and throws them back at him, testing his patience. But Renjun's attacks come quickly, like a wraith.
Renjun doesn't back down until he throws the whole bowl of popcorn back, coming at Donghyuck until he realizes that he's wasted it. Donghyuck gives up, hands on his face, screaming sorry until Renjun sinks into his arms exhausted. Donghyuck pushes away the bangs that fall on his sweaty forehead while Renjun pants.
“God… I'm an idiot…. I've wasted this,” he cries. But Donghyuck doesn't hear those words.
He cups Renjun's face and pulls him into a kiss before looking at him with eyes that glow like the stars in heaven. “Renjun-ah…” he breathes out, with his eyes closed, still relishing the feeling of the kiss that lingers on his lips. “There's so much future we planned out… and I wanna strike off the next plans as soon as possible…”
On one stormy night that feels like the heavens are shooting stars to eradicate the entire city, Donghyuck walks in circles wondering where Renjun is and why hasn't he home yet or why hasn't he replied to any of his calls and texts. And when he does come home, it takes Donghyuck by surprise that Renjun brought a rabbit to their house.
“What the fuc—”
“She's Hazel, just the name we decided. Don't be mad…” he speaks so softly that Donghyuck can’t hear his voice. “I found her lost and cold on the road,” he quickly walks up to him, taking the rabbit and wrapping her in the warmth of his sweater, letting Renjun continue. “I had a bad day, I saw her, broke down and immediately thought of bringing her to the house…” he explains while Donghyuck makes him sit on the couch, and runs back to their room to get a towel.
When he finds Renjun lost in his thoughts, he throws the towel on his head and dries his hair. The rabbit is still in his hands, weak and almost drifting off to sleep. “Donghyuck, I'm so sorry… I know we thought we would go to the pet store to decide what we want together… but I couldn't I — I —”
Donghyuck shuts him up with a peck on his lips. “I like her. Don't worry about it, Jun,” he reassures him. “Did you take her to the vet?”
Renjun sits still and shakes his head first. “I mean, yes… Yes. The vet, yes — I took her to the vet. He said it is alright. She's fine but just needs to be fed more and taken care of properly because like… she has trouble… anxiety, I don't know…” Donghyuck calmly pulls him into a hug while Renjun breaks down again. “Can we go together? I wasn't functioning properly when I took her there…”
And Donghyuck nods, planting a kiss on his forehead. “It's gonna be alright, okay? We can go together. But first, let me take care of you,” he says, looking into his eyes as he wipes his tears away.
Bad days are like deadly storms that threaten to wipe out the place but when they're over, peace sets all over again. Donghyuck lets the rabbit rest in a small basket in their bedroom and wraps a warm thick napkin around her.
Renjun is, however, still lost in the storm. Donghyuck wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him closer. The best part about him is how he just fits in his chest, it makes it easy for him to share his warmth.
“It's alright. Now you have me and Hazel. We won't let any bad things get to you. Baby, you're safe.”
Renjun looks back and sniffs with a nod. He moves closer until nothing is between them, not their blanket, not air, nothing. Just love and warmth. All until the storm closes to give the way to the peaceful sky.
Donghyuck realizes that all Renjun needs is a cue that he's ready. When he opens up that he's ready to finally adopt a child, Renjun doesn't even wait another second. He lists the things he saved. It ranges from toys they should get, the school they should send the child and a list of different universities best for different degrees. Different jobs and companies which have the best packages. The list always ends with Donghyuck sighing as it never ends. It would be in the middle of the night when Renjun would be up searching for the best college for post-graduate programs.
"You already made the list though?" Donghyuck yawns.
"You think?" he screams. "That list was hot garbage! And I'm not wasting my time explaining to you why."
Donghyuck knows that's a huge lie, which is why he ends up staying up the entire night with Renjun while he explains why the list was "hot garbage".
Days, months and years pass by so quickly that neither of them realizes it. They don’t even realize that their family grew from two to four so quickly. They don’t realize how much they grew together, how much they could do to their little family of their own. The hustle of the world doesn’t bother them as their only world is their beautiful rabbit and their child.
The child grows into someone strong, beautiful and independent. Donghyuck and Renjun still have each other, sharing every happy and sad moment.
And Donghyuck doesn't know how his first car slipped out of his memory just like that until his son-in-law gets the car out of the garage and got it repaired and brought it back to the life it had once. The landscape Renjun drew years ago has mostly faded but is still very much alive in his memory.
He runs his hands against it and when Renjun gets inside the car, he looks back at him with a smile. A smile that still makes him pause, stare and admire.
They drive and drive and hope to drive until they come to a point where the sky meets the earth. But at this time, all it is left is to sit on a small cliff and stare back at the city while they sit on the hood.
Renjun sighs, melting into his arms. “I feel like I've seen enough.”
“It's been so long.”
Renjun nods with a laugh. “Now all we do is sit around and do nothing. Like we're waiting for the grim reaper himself to come and take us.”
“We came so far, Renjun-ah…”
“And I won't trade this for anything else, Donghyuck.”
“I had a good life.”
“So did I.”
When their souls would intertwine like the way their soft fingers did, like how their bodies and minds did, Donghyuck wouldn't wish for anything else. And if he could, he would definitely want the same fire and the same intense feeling of love in every single one of his life. He knows he would never get bored of it.
And when he looks back at Renjun, all he knows is that he wants him again and again and again. And those eyes, even if they don't speak, scream at him back that his husband wants it too.
Again. And again. And again.