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"Let's watch a movie."
It seemed like an innocent enough suggestion — nothing they hadn't done before. But when the phrase left Ronan's mouth, Adam had to admit his heart jumped a little. With Ronan, especially lately, what he said never quite sounded like what he meant.
But to refuse would be awkward and unnatural; it wouldn't fit with the act. So Adam took a breath, and reminded himself what he seemed to need reminding of so often these days.
All casual.
He reminded himself when they were in the back of the Camaro and their legs kept bumping. When Ronan would pull away a little at the next right turn, and Adam would follow him — too slowly, like his leg thought it might fool the rest of him as long as it didn't move too suddenly. He reminded himself at Nino's, when Ronan ordered a large iced tea, even though he never drank the whole thing, and always, always offered to share. When he saw Ronan's tongue and Ronan's lips press against both straws, inevitably — "You don't mind, do you, Parrish?" — and it was all he could think about anytime he took a sip for himself. He reminded himself when they were at the Barns, just the two of them. When Ronan was curled up in his dad's old office chair, asleep and dreaming, while Adam sketched the trees from Cabeswater and sometimes maybe a hand. Maybe an ear, or a mouth. A shoulder. The tip of a tattoo —
Cool it, Parrish. Ca-su-al.
And so, on a Thursday night, Ronan arrived on his doorstep with his laptop and four DVDs, and a coyote grin on one side of his face. Chainsaw immediately dashed by Adam's deaf ear, and he was left to presume she had found her usual perch on his window sill. Ronan insisted the scratches would not cost Adam his deposit, which Adam saw for what it was. "I will pay for your deposit." Adam thought about it, and figured he didn't mind. It was the bird's fault, anyway.
"Hi," Ronan said. All casual.
"Hi," said Adam. All casual?
Chainsaw had also left marks on Ronan's shoulder. Small, but red, nonetheless. She was getting too big to still be sitting on his shoulder like that, but Adam didn't say so. There was no way Ronan was ever going to make her stop. He'd let her sit there until he didn't have any shoulder left, if she wanted to, because that was how Ronan was about things that mattered to him. Besides, it probably wouldn't be so bad, if he had bothered to wear a shirt that covered any sort of skin. His black tank top was all stretched out from countless nights of tossing and turning, and his grey Puma sweats looked about ready to drop to his ankles. Dressed for bed already. Guess that settled whether he was planning on staying the night. And of course he was not dressed appropriately for the November wind, because Ronan Lynch made it a point to never be appropriate for anything unless absolutely necessary — which generally only meant Sunday mornings with his brothers.
Does he always look like this? Adam wondered, yet again. This was how one head always tried to justify the other. It never worked, because,
Yes, he does.
And you've been looking too long.
"Uh, Parrish? Did you want to watch out here? Or."
"Oh."
He stepped aside so Ronan could come in. His shoulder brushed against Adam's chest. It was probably not an accident.
"Okay," Ronan began immediately, "so I brought Terminator 2, 300, and Scarface." He punctuated each title by tossing the case onto Adam's bed. The last one, he dropped onto the floor with the laptop charger.
Adam didn't really feel like watching any of those movies, but he humoured Ronan, and looked through each one as though he was carefully considering his choice. Meanwhile, Ronan set up with the computer on his lap, at the absolute foot of the bed. For some reason, that made Adam want to roll his eyes, but he managed to control himself. Instead, he kept his focus on the three titles in front of him and then the case on the floor.
"What's that?" he asked, and Ronan hummed rather obnoxiously in response.
"What's what?"
Adam crawled across the floor as far as he could without actually getting off of the bed. He snatched up the plastic and turned it over in his hand, but barely had a chance to read the front before Ronan stole it away.
"Alice in Wonderland," said Adam pointlessly. "Why did you leave it on the floor?"
"I didn't think we'd watch it," Ronan answered, sort of off-handed, which to Adam, had the opposite effect.
"Then why'd you bring it?" he challenged, and Ronan studied the thing in his hands. He shrugged.
"I saw it on the shelf and thought I hadn't watched it in a while. We used to watch it all the time 'cos it's my dad's favourite book. It was."
Adam crawled towards him on his knees so he could look at the case too. He looked between it and Ronan, who held it very delicately and was staring at it in a very un-Ronan-like way.
"Do you like it?" Adam asked, and Ronan's gaze snapped towards him, a little surprised to have heard his voice so close. However, because it was Ronan, they both pretended like it hadn't happened.
Ronan shrugged, eyes never leaving Adam's. He pushed forward, as if trying to get Adam to back down, which he didn't. His heart thrummed in his whole chest and in the back of his head and in his cheeks under his eyes.
It felt like a whole minute had gone by before Ronan said, "I guess so." It sounded muted, like he'd said it through glass.
"Well, why don't we watch that one, then?" Adam asked, and he noticed how Ronan's eyes dropped to his lips. So he licked them.
Cool it, Parrish.
Ronan inclined his head in a broken sort of way, and his eyes looked like they had swallowed themselves whole. For a split second, he didn't look entirely human. "I don't know," he said slowly, "I didn't think you'd like it."
Adam reached down to take the movie, and Ronan let him. He was still staring at Adam's face, but not his eyes, and Adam found himself leaning forward slightly. "But you like it," he countered.
"So, what?" Ronan's voice sounded completely shot, not at all like himself. Adam never would have recognised it if he hadn't physically felt the breath come from between Ronan's own lips.
Adam leaned forward again, in an attempt to force Ronan to look at him. It only succeeded in making him drop his eyes lower.
"So, Lynch," he continued, "I think our tastes are more similar than you think." Ronan closed his eyes in some sort of extended blink. Adam didn't think he realised he was doing it.
They both swallowed.
"But we don't know for sure, though." It had been silent for too long, and Ronan had to whisper not to completely shock them both.
Adam whispered too. "We could just try." They had gotten so close. It was a little ridiculous, Adam realised, but he didn't do anything about it. He didn't care enough or wasn't brave enough or he wasn't something. This was something. This was... what, though?
Ronan's eyelashes flicked up as he finally met Adam's gaze, just for a second, and then he was too close to look at anymore. Their lips met hard and strangely, but also finally, and Adam was quick on the pick up. He leaned forward, and his hand found its way onto Ronan's knee kind of on its own. Ronan had his fingers twisted in Adam's hair almost off the get go, and it left him wondering how often Ronan had practiced this in his dreams. He could never seem to remember his vividly enough, and he felt a little jealous for it then. He didn't really know what he was doing, but he hoped he was doing it right.
He forgot to breathe in the midst of everything and had to pull away, just for a second. Ronan dropped his hands, and Adam looked at him. Their eyes met for a beat, then two, then for the first time since Adam had known him, Ronan lost a staring contest. His eyes fell to the sheets. He looked absolutely mortified.
"Oh, fuck," he said.
"Ronan?"
" — So sorry."
"What?" but Ronan was already on his feet and heading to the door. Chainsaw squawked, sensing the change in atmosphere. He tugged the knob — twice— but too hard, and the door jammed, like it always did. This bought Adam enough time to grab Ronan by the elbow and turn him around. Ronan looked at the ceiling, at the chair, at the bed, then very decidedly not at the bed, just anywhere but Adam.
"I didn't mean to," he suddenly blurted out, and Adam flinched. He felt heavier, somehow. Too heavy to stand straight.
"You didn't?"
"I didn't — I wasn't — I swear." Which of course did not make any sense, and made all the sense in the world. "I swear," Ronan insisted again, "I did, but I wasn't going to."
Adam let his hand drop from around Ronan's elbow. Just a little sharply, he asked, "Well, why not?"
There was a split second where Ronan went absolutely still. If he had been a computer, there would have been a loading symbol. Then his eyebrows drew together, and he started to look like himself again.
" 'Why not' ? What the fuck are you on about, Parrish."
"Why weren't you 'going to' ?"
"I — well, because — " He was speechless again, only less afraid, which of course meant that he was angry. "Because! What the fuck? I don't know what's happening right now, Adam, but —"
"I'll tell you if you kiss me again," Adam said then, before he really had the chance to form the whole thought. Ronan stopped talking immediately. Adam suspected it was because he didn't actually know what he was going to say next. Adam didn't know what he was planning to say next, either, but he'd figure it out in a bit. Later. Whatever.
"Come again?"
Ronan squinted dubiously, so Adam took a step forward and his eyes widened just a fraction closer to regular size.
"I said," Adam repeated, sounding only slightly less sure of himself, "I'll tell you what's happening if you kiss me again." His heart was an angry bull in his chest, sick of being trapped by his bones. It hurt, he thought. But if it stopped, he might let Ronan walk away, and he wouldn't this time. He wouldn't.
Ronan was not moving. But he wasn't leaving, either. Adam took another step forward. Slowly, Ronan reached a hand towards him, and it landed softly on his cheek. Adam stayed exactly where he was, and tilted his chin up. The rest was left to Ronan, who had never been one to turn down a challenge. In a single stride, they were toe-to-toe, and Ronan hovered his mouth above Adam's.
Adam closed his eyes.