Chapter Text
The first thing she felt was cold. The cold of the stone slab underneath her and the cold hands removing themselves from her body.
“So that’s how it’s done,” she heard a voice say. The words are unfamiliar but she understood them.
She opened her eyes to look around and found herself looking up into a set of striking dark brown eyes in a marvelously sculpted face under long wavy black hair. She thought for a moment before speaking.
“Who are you? Who am I? I feel like I should know but maybe I shouldn’t and I can’t tell but it seems like you would know more than me and maybe there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know how I would know but I know that I don’t know anything and it seems like I should know some things about some things like who I am and how I got here and where here is and you’re here so you can help me.”
The face frowned down at her. “You need to learn to talk less, but I’ll tell you a few things. First, I’m Helena, I created you. I had to experiment to see how I was made. I guess I owe you a name don’t I. Amaryllis has been stuck in my head for a while so why not, that’s who you are. You don’t know anything because you’re new. You’re right about something being wrong with you, it’s wrong with both of us. We’re not properly human. I’m trying to figure out how to be, you should probably get on that too. Now get out, go study the humans.”
Amaryllis gingerly got up off the slab and examined her surroundings. She had been laying on a stone table against the wall of a brick warehouse. It had obviously seen better days. The bricks were starting to crumble in places and the mortar had pebbled out everywhere. What windows there were were dirty and cracked. Helena had apparently been here long enough to set up a small apartment in the corner with a fold out couch and a television so apparently she didn’t mind.
How do I know what a television is, Amaryllis thought to herself. What am I? She looks down at herself, at her smooth pale skin. Her hair shifts and she notices that it’s long enough to reach her butt. Black and pin straight, she pushes it back and heads for the door.
“Wait!” Shouts Helena just as she reaches for the handle, “you can’t go out like that! You’ll draw too much attention naked. Just, hang on.” She returns in short order with a pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt. “Here, now you can go. A parting gift. Don’t come back if you can help it.”
“But why do I have to go?” asked Amaryllis. “Where am I going, and why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me? You must know so much, please teach me! I don’t even know what I don’t know!”
Helena sighed. “Okay, have a seat.” She gestured to the couch and sat down. “But after I answer your questions you really have to go.”
Amaryllis sat down and waited silently.
“First, like I told you, we’re not humans. We look like humans, but we’re imitations. We, or at least the ones with their heads on right, know that we can learn to be human. That’s what we’re for. Do you understand? I don’t want to repeat myself.”
Amaryllis nodded.
“Good,” Helena continued, “Second, we’re bad imitations. The humans can tell there’s something wrong with us. They won’t know what it is because they don’t know things like us exist, but we put them on edge. Well, them and everything else. This warehouse wasn’t so shabby when I first moved in. I shouldn’t stay here much longer.”
“So everything hates us?” Amaryllis asked. “Even walls?”
“Well, yes and no,” answered Helena. “We make things break down. Humans don’t hate us exactly, but something about us makes everything worse. We make them worse people, meaner, more ready to lash out. And when they need someone to blame we’re right there at the start when things went downhill.”
“I’m not sure I like existing if it’s going to be like this,” Amaryllis said after a moment’s thought.
“You want out? Become human.” Helena snapped. “Our lot sucks. So does theirs of course, but at least the company is better.”
“But if you want company, why do I have to go?” asked Amaryllis.
“We’re… unbalanced creatures, Amaryllis,” answered Helena. “If we stayed together we might be okay for a while, but…” She stops and says nothing.
Amaryllis waits. Minutes pass. Finally, “Helena?”
Helena finally looks back at Amaryllis. “I suppose I should tell you about my creator and why she isn’t here. Her name was Caroline. One thing about our line that I should tell you if you haven’t figured it out already is that above all else we crave being loved. Caroline knew this, so when she made me she decided that she was going to make sure that I knew that she loved me with all her heart. And I reflected that back to her. After all, it was all I knew. But the thing about us is that we don’t feel things the way humans do, the way we need to learn to. So as much as she loved me, and as much as I loved her, we didn’t learn anything. We were two mirrors reflecting each other, reflecting nothing. We felt loved, so we withdrew from the world we needed to be studying. Can you guess what happened then?”
“I don’t know,” said Amaryllis, “but since you’re not still together it must have been bad, right?”
“Bad, yeah, that’s one word for it,” said Helena. “We started regressing. We gradually became less human, less able to love. Our hearts started to rot. I’d say we nearly killed each other, but death is kinder than what nearly happened to us. We started to change into something else. Something that could never be human. Do you understand now why you can’t stay?”
“I think I do,” said Amaryllis, “but what if we kept to our studies and stayed together?”
“Maybe if we were human we could do that,” Helena said, “but we’re not. If we show each other the love we want we can’t help but obsess. It has to come from humans.”
“But won’t that hurt the humans?” asked Amaryllis. “You said that they can tell something is wrong with us, so how can they love us?”
“They can,” said Helena with a pained expression, “for a while.”
“And then what?” asked Amaryllis.
“Then it’s time to find another human to study,” Helena said coldly.
“I don’t understand,” said Amaryllis.
“Astounding, was I ever this naive,” muttered Helena. “If you’re lucky they’ll abandon you. If you’re unlucky they’ll gather their friends and try to kill you. Stay ready to run.”
“They sound horrible,” said Amaryllis. “Why do we want to be them?”
“Because,” Helena said with a sigh, “they’re real. They have souls to go along with their bodies. We don’t, and that’s why everything hates us. Now are you ready to go?”
“I think so,” said Amaryllis, getting up to head for the door. “I love you.”
“You don’t know the meaning of the word,” barked Helena, “but if you want to mean it, keep good notes. Now get out.”
Amaryllis shut the door behind her and started walking. It was late and the sky was heavy, though not yet raining. There was no one around in this run down industrial block. She walked down to the river and started following it down the sidewalk. The road was quiet but she heard sounds of city life from across the river.
“I can’t stay here,” she said to herself, “and there must be people over there. I will go find them and see what they know.” Saying this, she leaned over the guard rail and jumped into the river, slowly managing to swim to the other shore.
As she pulled herself up the bank a drunk called out to her from a nearby bar patio. “Hey idiot, didn’t your mother teach you not to swim in the river? It’s dirty!”
“No she didn’t,” Amaryllis called back, “and my name isn’t idiot, it’s Amaryllis! Can I study you?” she asked cheerfully, approaching the table.
“You want to study me?” he asks incredulously. “Like I know I’m drunk but what are you on?”
“Um, the ground?” said Amaryllis uncertainly. “You’re the first person I’ve seen since I woke up so I thought I might start with you. Unless you think I should start with someone else?” she asked, looking around. The bar isn’t crowded but there’s more than a few people enjoying drinks and company.
“No, no, that’s fine,” he says, looking her up and down. “Have a seat. My name’s Steve, you said you’re… Phyllis?”
“Amaryllis,” she said.
“Right. So, I’ve never been studied before,” Steve said, trying to put on a smooth voice but mostly highlighting his intoxication. “What would you like to know? Oh hey, would you like a drink? I was about to get another.”
“A drink? Sure,” she said.
“What will you have?” he asked, getting up.
“I don’t know, whatever you’re having,” she answered.
“Cool, easy to remember,” he said, heading off to the bar and returning with two rum and cokes. “So, what would you like to know about me? Job, education, hobbies? Heh, politics?”
“What’s it like to be human?” Amaryllis asked.
“Oof, um…” he takes a sip of his drink. Amaryllis mirrors his action exactly. “That’s a big one isn’t it. Ask a fish what it’s like to be wet. Well, what’s it like for you?”
“I don’t know,” said Amaryllis. “That’s why I asked. I’m trying to learn to be human and you’re the first one I found to ask.”
“Nope, too weird for me,” he said, draining his drink and pulling out his phone. “Good luck, bye, I’m done for tonight.”