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End of September 2017 | At the hospital for Seokjin
Seokjin’s nursing a flu.
Seokjin’s exams and studies must have caught up to him.
Seokjin’s family dog…
Taehyung tries to tune out Namjoon’s nervous muttering, listing off all the possible factors for their traveling through hospital corridors to get to Seokjin’s room.
He focuses on Jimin’s guiding hand on the small of his back and counts the numbers of the hospital room doors, counting down until he can finally see Seokjin.
All Taehyung wants to see is him. He knows from their manager’s calm debriefing that Seokjin’s resting and stable, coming down from a rough bout of dehydration from the flu, but Taehyung hopes to see him sitting up and playfully squawking at a trivial game on his phone. Or lifting everyone’s spirits around him with an animated story. Or simply getting up at the sight of him. He hopes he’ll be welcoming and glad he came.
Hope is the watchword here. He knows Seokjin could very well be having unwelcoming feelings toward him since their last conversation.
‘Ah, here,’ Yoongi exclaims and steps forward through the throng of them, entering through Seokjin’s room first.
Taehyung enters last, struggling with wanting to be front and center, bobbing his head up and down to catch a glimpse past Namjoon’s broad shoulders and everyone else bunched up beside him.
Even through the gaggle of his anxious members—some concerned, some scolding and some overly doting—hearing Seokjin’s voice breaks his heart.
‘S-stop smothering me. I’m fine.’ Seokjin’s usual exaggerated, humourous indignation is reduced to a feeble mumbling.
Slowly, numbly Taehyung squeezes his way between his bandmates, earning some annoyed huffing from Jungkook.
Jungkook even starts to snap at him for pushing through, and it almost makes him step backward. Knowing of Seokjin’s soft spot for the youngest, knowing he hasn’t had the luxury of feeling that kind of treatment in a long while, Taehyung braces himself. However, as Jungkook begins his protest, he hears another pitiful mumble.
‘Jungkook, let Taehyung through, will you?’
Taehyung focuses his eyes on Seokjin, speechless from his suggestion. He wanted to come up to finally have a clear view of him, but he suddenly feels ashamed to have insisted on having Seokjin’s full attention.
The last time he had it, Taehyung couldn’t wait to cast it away. Reminders of clipped, regretful words streaming through his phone and a dead line do not hesitate to taunt him.
‘We’re supposed to film soon, hyung,’ Taehyung blurts out as if he doesn’t have a million other thoughts on his mind as he stares at the pallor of Seokjin’s skin, the clear sheen of sweat on his forehead and the way his eyes look glazed over as he strains to keep a tight smile.
How could he be smiling through this?
‘I know,’ Seokjin says and then hacks out a cough, interrupting himself. ‘But all of you can do that without me,’ he affirms.
‘You’re in the hospital, hyung,’ Taehyung says, scandalized, still stating facts rather than asking all the questions he’s seemingly containing about the notes on his patient chart and the numbers blinking on the machines hooked up to the eldest.
Seokjin seems pained to chuckle a little at this, ‘Aish, this is temporary. All this fuss over the flu—’
‘A flu that caused you to collapse,’ Yoongi interjects, clicking his tongue, grimacing.
‘During a simple recording at the studio,’ Hoseok supplies.
‘Yeah, no need to sugarcoat things now, hyung,’ Namjoon jumps in too.
‘During—’ Taehyung gulps down the rest of his words, still struggling to form his complete thoughts.
Everyone was there, except Taehyung. Everyone was there for Seokjin, except him.
Seokjin nods, strained smile falling, finally conceding, ‘I know. I know.’
Seokjin is acting sheepish, explaining that he should’ve done better, that he should’ve warned them that he wasn’t feeling well for an entire week. He’s acting in a very familiar way—letting the blame rest on him—so much so that his words start to blend and blur with other memories with very similar words, and Taehyung starts to focus on the corner of the bed and his foot that’s uncovered by part of his blanket. Taehyung’s fingers itch to move, to cover him up, but they tuck into his pockets instead.
‘Tae-ah…’ Seokjin starts, pulling Taehyung’s eyes to lock with his again. ‘Are you okay?’
He knows his show of concern has been cut short to simple phrases and maybe Taehyung’s staring is unsettling him, but how could Seokjin be concerned for him at all? Taehyung’s not the one in the hospital bed, he’s not the one that looks like he’s been washed clean of any of his usual, healthy flush and he’s certainly not the one that should be worrying about his own well-being at all.
His heart squeezes painfully. He’s felt stricken with this inexplicable sensation before, stricken to the point that it leaves him completely still with a lingering ache in his chest. As of late, he’s been able to tally these moments in compounding succession. His mind vividly drifts to their filming of the SBS Super Concert, where he nearly collapsed from his own exhaustion. Seokjin was there to catch him, pulling him upright so he was supported. Even after he hurled hurtful words across the phone line to him the night before the concert, Seokjin held him without any hesitation and Taehyung couldn’t stop himself from feeling affected by this gesture.
His words hurl back at him…
Take it back. Take it back and…don’t you dare bring it up now…after everything you made us do, after everything you made me feel…
‘I don’t know if doing the vlive without you is a good idea. You’re sick and the fans will worry about you if we just carry on like everything is okay,’ Taehyung says instead of answering him, acutely aware of how tremulous his voice sounds.
Seokjin hacks out another horrible sounding cough, then carefully reminds him, ‘They’ll understand, Tae-ah. We can’t forget the promises we make…’
Taehyung can’t help but feel a sting from the mentioning of a ‘promise’. They had made a monumental one to each other months ago, promising they could get over their feelings for one another, promising to let go.
For the first time since he got the phone call from Namjoon to rush to the hospital, he thought of Haneul and the fact that he had left him so abruptly to be here. He left someone he had only just promised to take to meet his family. Someone who he had intended to make even more promises to…
Unbidden, a question comes: what promises was he willing to truly keep?
‘I know we promised but—’ Taehyung cuts himself off, frustrated with how muddled his mind seemed to grow.
‘I think,’ Namjoon starts, clapping a hand to Taehyung’s tense shoulder. ‘We could postpone it, maybe film it a week late, they would be disappointed, but Jin-hyung would be included.’
‘You can’t do that for me,’ Seokjin protests right away, shaking his head.
‘Why not?’ Taehyung says angrily.
‘Jin-hyung’s right,’ Jungkook adds, looking annoyed.
Taehyung openly glares at him and argues, ‘Jin-hyung always thinks of others before himself. He’s sick in bed and we’re worried about some broadcast—’
‘Taehyung,’ Jimin jumps in, ‘Don’t misunderstand us. Of course we care about Jin-hyung and we hate leaving him out, but do I really have to spell out why even Jin-hyung knows why it’s okay to go right now?’
One look around the room with some members sharing weary concern, while some wear puzzled looks, has Taehyung allowing himself to finally feel self-conscious about his behaviour and all he’s said.
Still, even as he lets resignation settle within him, he moves as if he’s possessed, turning to face Seokjin, quietly requesting for another way to be heard, ‘Jin-hyung, I know we have to go now, I know, but I need to speak to you. Please.’
Seokjin’s pained smiles, the crescent shape of his eyes and the way he seemed to placate the others melts away to shift his features into sharper lines and a seriousness about him that he hadn’t seen since their borrowed time on the beaches of Hawaii.
‘I promise you, we will speak,’ he says, and this helps release the knots in Taehyung’s stomach that he only just registers were there all along. The softness in his voice nearly kills Taehyung as he continues, ‘Now, go on.’
Was Seokjin replaying the weeks before like a broken record too? Was he regretting his own words over their ill-timed phone call from before? Was it mindless movements and little more than his usual kindness that made him pull Taehyung against him to avoid collapsing in front of their fans? But how would he have predicted to pull him just in time if he hadn’t been watching him closely during their complicated choreography?
Was Seokjin just as affected by any of this?
‘I promise,’ Seokjin repeats as if he knew he needed to hear it.
He should be here, his mind repeated this as a mantra.
Taehyung knew the camera had turned on at some point, but it wasn’t until Hoseok had pulled him away from mindlessly scrolling through his phone and from sitting so quietly since they arrived at the traditional barbecue restaurant that Taehyung had registered that their broadcast had gone live. Even after the members’ comments about him being in the shadows, barely visible by the cameras, he couldn’t find himself removed from the reminders of Seokjin missing this dinner.
Pushing forward, Jimin tries to address what Taehyung was supposed to do to explain his despondency. ‘Jin-hyung’s in the hospital with the flu.’
Everyone adds their comments too, and, because he promised Seokjin his professionalism, Taehyung tries to tell their online audience that Seokjin shouldn’t sleep with the AC on.
Then, Jungkook and Namjoon give more sincere anecdotes about Seokjin, demonstrating how much time they have spent with the eldest with their nostalgic memories about their dinner dates to this very restaurant. Taehyung starts to chew on the inside of his cheek.
All the members have, at one point or another, claimed a special bond with one another. Namjoon and Yoongi. Hoseok and Yoongi. Namjoon and Seokjin. Jungkook and Seokjin…
These were not set dynamics and they often changed, sometimes changing with simple mood shifts or interest in everyday hobbies.
It used to bother him, making him unreasonably jealous. Seokjin used to laugh fondly at his wanting their own bond to feel different than anyone else’s. Now, he only envies Namjoon and Jungkook’s ability to see Seokjin long enough to notice when he’s vulnerable, whether he’s sick or putting his guard down for whatever reason. These days, he knows Seokjin’s more careful around him, considering their tendency to fall back into their old, too-comfortable ways.
All the members know about how Taehyung proclaimed a special kind of bond with Jimin too. Coincidentally, he thinks of this just as said best friend starts another reassuring comment on Seokjin’s health, this time in English.
Everyone joins in loudly again, making Seokjin’s absence a known thing, a sore thing, and this makes Taehyung realize how unfair his outburst was at the hospital.
Of course , everyone was affected. Of course , they were all worried. Seokjin was missed.
So, instead of dwelling on this or making an apology to all of them out of nowhere, making it awkward for not only them but for their broadcast viewers, Taehyung entertains their next target for lighthearted conversation as they compliment his dangling earrings, letting them laugh and allowing them to goad his own laughter out.
And by the time the grill starts to effectively sizzle and cook their slices of beef, while everyone starts to poke and pick up their share of food, Taehyung feels at ease to speak his mind, gently reminding everyone, ‘We need to think about Jin-hyung.’
‘Send a picture to Jin-hyung,’ Hoesek tells Jimin.
‘I’m texting him now,’ Jimin replies brightly.
Jimin is on it, trying to capture the perfect angle, and, when he gets the perfect shot, Taehyung smiles softly for the camera.
By the end of it all, Taehyung surprises himself by making a genuinely smiley greeting to their fans. Silently, he wonders if Seokjin is watching them.
He wonders when they’ll finally speak.
He wonders if he’ll be afforded the kind of intimate connection he’s mostly shared with Jungkook and Namjoon lately.
He wonders if he’ll change his mind.
Two months ago | August 2017 | Haneul's apartment
Haneul takes Taehyung to museums. He indulges in Taehyung’s sweet tooth and doesn’t push him to eat his own preference for spicier stews when they go out on dates. They go on all kinds of dates, flashy ones with even flashier people or subdued ones where soft, jazzy music filters through an almost empty cafe. He also indulges Taehyung’s eye for fashion and the way he devours a hobby, like obsessing over a record he bought from a local music shop by playing it day in and day out or scrolling through his phone’s camera roll to find the right art piece he recorded from the art shows they’ve attended to hang over his living room wall. As partners go, Haneul might be the front runner for winning all the races.
In bed, Haneul also allows Taehyung to set the pace. In fact, Taehyung allows only so much of himself to be shared. He suspects Haneul accepts that Taehyung’s recent coming out has to do with his timidness beyond the dry humping that tends to happen when they fall asleep together and the occasional blowjob in the shower.
Taehyung’s not exactly sure why he’s not shared more of himself. He tries not to think too deeply on this on some days, but, on others, he remembers words spoken on a beach about ‘deserving more’ and ‘waiting for the right time’. If he thinks too deeply, he sometimes gets frustrated at the connection between this memory and his current situation.
How can he get frustrated when a man—a handsome one with kind eyes and the kindest disposition, who happens to openly adore him—is so willing to be with him?
If he thinks too deeply, Taehyung might start to think of…
‘Who is it?’ Haneul pokes his side, making Taehyung jolt a little from his side of the bed.
Haneul, who is propped up in the same way Taehyung is, sitting upright against the headboard of his king-sized bed, just looks at him oddly. Then, he cocks a brow upward, just short of his dark, wavy bangs. He elaborates, ‘Your phone is ringing, pabo.’
Haneul only laughs fondly at him when Taehyung scrambles to answer his phone, ‘Hyung! I’m so sorry. I forgot to confirm our reservations tonight. Yes—if you don’t mind—sure, I can meet you then. Thanks for doing that. Sorry again.’
‘All set for your date with my competition?’ Haneul teases after Taehyung hangs up.
‘Aish, stop.’
‘Well, if you didn’t have such handsome friends, I wouldn’t worry so much.’
Taehyung feigns annoyance, but can’t help but laugh, ‘They’re like brothers to me. I’m not attracted to people I consider family.’
Haneul nods, looking nowhere convinced as he continues, ‘Seojoon-hyung is very charming though. I can see it.’
Taehyung rolls his eyes, but turns to fully face him, noticing that Haneul has taken to scrolling through his phone without another word. Concern comes when he wonders if Haneul’s ever brought up any of his friends in this way before. Considering it now, he can’t think of a time he’s ever shown any kind of jealousy.
Resolutely, Taehyung leans in to kiss his cheek, and it calms him to know that Haneul looks endeared by this sudden show of affection.
‘Ah, I let you get away with everything, huh,’ Haneul comments before kissing him on the mouth.
‘You make me sound like such a pain to be with,’ Taehyung says through a pout.
Haneul softens, admitting, ‘You’re not.’
‘I’m not,’ Taehyung agrees, satisfied.
Hanuel smiles without a hint of teasing and it brightens his entire face. He even laughs as he encourages him, ‘Go on, you have a big schedule to keep. I can look after the mess we made in the kitchen and I can just ask one of your managers to pick up your overnight bag if it’s too much to carry from here.’
Haneul’s offer is familiar as it is polite. For someone who doesn’t live with Taehyung, Haneul has always felt comfortable in making his home seem shared. This thought has crossed his mind since they’ve started seeing each other. So, Taehyung feels a little guilty for not seeing Haneul’s home as a shared place.
There aren’t any spare clothes that Taehyung has asked Haneul to keep for him in the closet. There aren't any of his toiletries in the bathroom either. Even the pictures they share are a few scattered Polaroids that are haphazardly pinned to his fridge door with other pictures that aren’t framed.
It’s been a little over two months since Haneul had asked him out, and it’s been less than that since he’s asked Taehyung to sleep over a few times, so Taehyung wonders if he himself has shown how grateful he is to have found such a good guy. Short of stopping his other casual dating, has he really shown his gratitude?
‘Hanuel, what if I—I mean, what if we…’
‘I’m going to start pushing you out of my bed now,’ Haneul says as he nudges him. ‘Now you’re just teasing me and wanting to stall when you know you’re going to be late for your dance practice again. You always tell me how the boys feel about that.’
‘I—’
‘Besides, if we spend all morning sleeping, I’ll just end up getting woken up by your sleep talking again,’ Haneul starts chuckling as if he’s recalling a funny joke.
‘What? I don’t—do I do that?’
‘You didn’t know? Sometimes, I hear you mumbling, other times it’s loud and clear as day. ‘Hyung…hyung…hyung…’ You see, embarrassment is written all over your face, maybe I’m right about your close relationship with your actor friends. I mean, who else could you be calling out to? I’m not your senior, so it’s definitely not me.’
This joke, which is clearly a joke to Haneul since he’s still grinning from ear to ear, does not tickle a single bone in Taehyung’s body. The joke lands rather like a heavy stone in his stomach. Somehow, he feels guilty again.
Taehyung seriously wonders as Hanuel continues to shoo him out of bed.
Who else could Taehyung be calling out in his dreams?
Nighttime | August 2017 | Dinner with Seojoon
‘Are you daydreaming right now?’ Seojoon’s voice pulls him out of a daze.
Taehyung can only do so much to hide his embarrassment, biting his bottom lip at this question.
He also shakes his head and apologizes, ‘Sorry, hyung, it’s been…kind of a busy, strange day.’
After practice, a dizzying few hours of new and old choreography for their upcoming shows, and a meeting to discuss the 24 hour filming of SBS Concert, he can’t seem to shake the feeling he’s taken with him after leaving Haneul’s apartment.
‘Strange?’ Seojoon frowns and then waves down a server to take their drink order. ‘Glass of water for him, and whatever cocktail you can suggest, please.’
‘Um,’ Taehyung pauses, looking around the restaurant Seojoon had chosen for them tonight, a dimly lit, sophisticated place for Japanese fusion food. He wasn’t expecting to have this kind of conversation here. ‘I’m just...thinking.’
‘Ah, Haneul. You’re daydreaming about the new guy.’
‘Um…’ Taehyung stops himself because he doesn’t know how to put it.
‘I remember the back and forth in our group chat when you two started. Don’t tell me you weren’t blushing behind that screen when Wooshik was trying to ask question after question about him. So, don’t tell me you’re not spaced out because of him.’
‘I…’
‘Let me guess…he’s dropped the ‘exclusive bomb’ on you.’
‘He hasn’t.’
‘I’m sure that’s what he wants. The way you go on about how he treats you, how he’s even promised to meet your parents in person…’
‘He’s perfect, I know.’
‘Finally, right? He’s it for you then, right?’
‘ It ?’
‘You know, it . My cousins would always talk with my eomma about how they wish they could just find ‘the one’, the person you know from the start is ‘the one’ and will always be ‘the one’.’
Taehyung snorts at the way Seojoon looks a little dubious as he says it, knowing the man has never shown any interest in settling for someone like this himself. It’s not that Seojoon’s gone out of his way to detest the idea of monogamy, but the elder always seemed like he was skeptical of staying in one place, in one acting role, and experiencing one scenery in his lifetime. More than a few of their peers seemed to share this mindset too. It wasn’t uncommon in their circle of professional entertainer friends, trying to navigate through their wild, sometimes dizzying world. It’s probably the reason he was always an easy target to tease and prod for admitting his romantic ideals and unfailing loyalty to the right person.
‘I used to think that,’ he realizes this out loud, as if it came to him without conscious volition.
‘Used to? Are we still talking about Hanuel? Are you guys okay?’ Seojoon suddenly looks unsure about bringing him up.
‘Nothing—no—we’re fine, hyung. It’s just that I used to think that I was sure of someone for so long, and then I…I wasn’t. I’m just not sure about any of that stuff anymore.’
Seojoon’s looks pensive as he listens and this only prompts Taehyung to continue.
‘I think Haneul could make me happy. He’s good and he’s kind and sometimes I think he’s been trying to hint at having me stay longer than just sleeping over for the night.’
‘The way you’re talking about all of these things makes it sound like these aren’t things you’re happy about.’
Taehyung widens his eyes, and, for the first time since meeting Seojoon, he begins to piece together the strangeness of the day.
Strange since he kept replaying Haneul’s observations about his sleep-talking.
Strange like the way he couldn’t quite keep up with Seokjin’s quick quips and would even snap at some of his joking and bickering with Jungkook during dance practice.
Strange because this is not usually how he spends his time with Seojoon—brooding and deep in his thoughts.
‘Oh!’ Seojoon exclaims at the ringing of his phone, ashamed. ‘I have to take this call, Tae-ah. I’m sorry but I’ve been waiting for the studio to reach me for some really important news. I’ll be right back. Two minutes or five--make it ten. I promise it won’t take long!’
Taehyung might have needed time to dwell with these thoughts, realizing this as he watches Seojoon glide out of his seat and turn the corner toward a secluded alcove near the restrooms. As he sits alone, receiving their drink orders and toying with the straw in his, he attempts to make sense of the fact that Seokjin was at the forefront of his mind again.
Admittedly, the summer had only just started to wane as they approached the middle of August. Since the start of summer, some of those intimate memories of Spring and Seokjin in Hawaii came to his mind, unbidden and when he least expected them to. However, now, these memories seemed to come in smaller flashes than the persistent, aching ones days after their beach date.
Now, Haneul has seemed to make those memories even smaller.
But that pesky randomness that Seojoon was only just speaking about seemed to intervene here, giving him a signal to keep digging at his thoughts as his phone buzzed and displayed the name of the very man in question.
‘…Hyung?’ Taehyung answer his phone hesitantly.
‘Yea, I think Seokjin has called you by accident. Sorry, I know you’re out right now, so I’ll let you go—’
‘Yoongi-hyung?’ Taehyung asks in confusion. ‘Are you—is Jin-hyung with you?’
‘Yeah, we’re just having dinner and drinks and he’s a little—he’s had a few drinks in him. He must’ve butt dialed or something, but I just noticed that he left his phone and left for the bathroom just now. He’s fine, though. Really, he is. We'll see you tomorrow for filming. 8 am, right? Shit—I’ll just tell hyung that we can have one last drink and we’re back at the dorms. See you later, okay?’
Taehyung hums in response, wondering about the odd timing of this call. Even after Yoongi hangs up, he can’t help but ponder about this.
Then, not a minute or so later, another buzz and ring brings his phone back to instantaneous life.
‘Hyung, you guys must be completely gone if you’re now butt dialing on Jin-hyung’s phone—’
‘Yoongi’s been calling people up on my phone?’ Seokjin and the exaggerated surprise in his voice is on the line this time. ‘When he’s done—when he comes back from his own bathroom break, I’ll be talking to him—yah—he has his own phone to drunk dial people.’
‘Oh no, it’s my mistake, hyung!’ Taehyung decides against explaining the whole situation, knowing full well what Seokjin’s huffing and puffing meant and at what late stage of drinking they’d gotten to. Seokjin would be asking him to explain it until he’d get confused himself.
‘Taehyungie…’ Seokjin’s tone drops, sounding a little raspy and muffled as if he were shifting wherever he was. Taehyung imagines him shrinking in his seat, trying to find a comfortable spot to lie his head on, squishing his cheeks against his phone and his arm. He was always a clingy, cozy drunk.
‘Hyung,’ Taehyung stops himself, scanning the restaurant for Seojoon, though he couldn’t find him, realizing he must still be on his call.
‘Are you well, Tae-ah? I hope you’re taking care of yourself—I know you—it’s a busy month and I know you’ve been working hard.’
‘I’m fine, hyung,’ Taehyung assures him, cradling his phone close, listening to the sound of Seokjin’s breathing, a little heavy and elongated through the line. ‘I, uh, hope you and Yoongi-hyung are having fun. It’s nice that you two are letting off some steam before it gets crazy for all of us again.’
Seokjin chuckles and then hiccups, ‘Yeah, I’m trying this new thing where I say yes and go with the flow. Yoongi says let's go drink even if we’re supposed to be up early tomorrow, and I say let’s go!’
Taehyung laughs at this, ‘You tend to do that already. I mean, you’re obsessed with trying everything to please everyone around you, like lifting the mood. King of Lifting Moods.’
Seokjin hums in agreement, but adds, ‘My therapist says I also need to do things that make me happy in the moment, something more conscious like that. She says it helps with making me—er—make me more sincerely happy.’
‘Ah,’ Taehyung says, remembering Seokjin mentioning to their group that he has been speaking to someone professional. Since their fight in Newark, and the revelation of Seokjin’s dark thoughts, he always wondered if this would happen.
‘Namjoonie and Kookie—ah—they seem to be enjoying me failing and laughing at some of the things I have tried that don’t pan out though.’ Seokjin laughs, his small, controlled chuckle devolving into his erratic, squeaky one.
‘I wouldn’t have,’ Taehyung tells him, not sure how his amusement has vanished in the face of Seokjin’s light self-deprecation. ‘I think it’s…admirable. You’re admirable.’
‘Aish…’ Seokjin can’t seem to say anything else to this, and Taehyung knows very well the way his words have sometimes made the elder physically stop. Taehyung imagines him doing so now and his signature pink ears too.
‘Namjoon-hyung and Jungkookie feel that way too, though. I hope you know that. We’ve all said how we’ve been envying your mood lately.’ At this point, Taehyung feels a momentum of keeping up with the praises, an inexplicable prick of pride keeps him going as Seokjin allows himself to hear his words without interruption. It’s been a while since he’s had a chance to speak to him this way, especially as he does so without their usual audience of the other members.
‘Do they tell you that?’ Taehyung wonders, knowing full well that, regardless of Namjoon and Jungkook’s teasing, they’ve recently been attached to the elder—whether they were slinking away after meetings for late night ramyeon or saying they were going back to the dorms but, in fact, their group chat told a different story of soju toasts and late night inspirations with Yoongi in the studio. Alongside his therapist, it seems like everyone’s had an influence on Seokjin’s light, carefree outlook as of late. He wonders if he could still have the same kind of pull on him.
‘Does Moonhee tell you that?’ Taehyung asks quietly.
He hasn’t thought of the girl Seokjin’s family had introduced him to recently. He knows enough from Seokjin’s tepid remarks on her that they’re simply friends, maybe even cordial acquaintances at best, but that doesn’t stop him from asking about her sometimes.
‘They all say what they think is best and they all mean well, but,’ Seokjin breathes in deeply and exhales just as deeply to answer, ‘I just want to hear it from you sometimes. Just you.’
This time, Taehyung stops. Seojoon is still nowhere to be seen and he’s thankful. He must look stunned into silence.
‘I miss you.’ Even through the line, Seokjin sounds different, his tone even lower than before. ‘Do you miss me? Do you still think of me?’
‘Don’t,’ Taehyung says, panicking.
You’ve been goading him on, haven’t you? Shouldn’t you have expected this, especially in his state?
Seokjin makes a muffled, wounded sound, ‘Why—why not? Why can—can’t I, when it’s true? Wouldn’t this make me happy—no—free? To speak the truth? And I know you’re with someone else—it’s awful for me to even bring it up—but—but do you? Do you still feel the same way I do about you?’
That same plummeting feeling—a hard drop to his gut—comes back from earlier, from when he was with Haneul. ‘You aren’t allowed to ask that,’ he whispers into his phone.
‘Tae—’
‘No!’ Taehyung says louder, refusing to let him finish. ‘You know you can’t ask that of me, not after what we promised.’
Is this what you want to hear from him? Are you pushing him to say these things to you?
‘Tae, I can’t help feeling this way—’
‘How could you?’ Taehyung feels his lips trembling, his free hand forming a fist. ‘Take it back. Take it back and…don’t you dare bring it up now, after everything you made us do, after everything you made me feel!’
‘Tae, listen, please—’
‘You—do you know— argh —sometimes, I wish I never told you the truth? Sometimes, I wish you pushed me away harder before it got to this point.’
‘You can’t mean that.’
Taehyung hears sniffles on the line.
‘Tae…’
You can’t be this cruel…
No , how could he be this cruel?
‘If you pushed me away to begin with, then maybe we wouldn’t be this way. Just—just let me go, hyung.’ Taehyung’s back to whispering again. He’s so quiet that he wonders if he’s losing his conviction when he adds, ‘Let me go now because, in the morning, you might completely forget about this conversation, and I can forget about all of this too.’
Silence on the other end of the line. Then, a dropped line signaled by a beep on his phone.
Somehow the silence angers him more. So, his fingertips start punching at his phone keys to message him, asking for an apology, a comment, or anything to make Seokjin understand how this was not okay. Nowhere near it.
‘Woah,’ Seojoon says cautiously as he sits back down, noticing Taehyung’s phone skittering toward the end of their table. He signals the server to finally come to take their food order. ‘Are you…are you okay?’
‘I’m,’ Taehyung inhales deeply and exhales with a scoff, ‘I’m fine. Just fine. The guys were just bugging me about not being late to our scheduled filming tomorrow. You know how they get on my nerves for nagging sometimes.’
The server comes to take Seojoon’s quick order and an even quicker one from Taehyung.
‘Well, tell them that hyung is taking care of you tonight and I’ll get you back before the stroke of midnight,’ he laughs.
His phone doesn’t buzz again nor does it make a peep for a call back, and it makes him give Seojoon a tight smile in response to his joke.
‘Ah, I just remembered what we were talking about…‘the one’. Now, I get why you might believe in it.’
‘I don't—’
‘Okay, but I get it in theory.’
Swallowing his anger down little by little, trying another strained smile, he nods to encourage Seojoon to continue, to continue to distract him from the low, simmering heat all over his body.
‘I think I could meet someone that changes my life and, at the same time, I can’t discount anyone I meet before I meet ‘the one’. Everyone has the ability to make an impact on someone else. Big or small.’ Seojoon pauses to take a sip of his old fashioned cocktail. ‘And maybe the reason we think there’s this big, fated person out there is because when we do meet someone of consequence, anyone at the right time, they just so happen to make the biggest impact. All the timing and stressors in life come together in this perfect storm. It changes us. It might not be the most romantic idea to think that it could be anyone, but I think that’s how you should look at that. Life is random, right? So, I think finding someone that affects us that much, in this randomness…is precious.’
Taehyung lets these words sink in and he surprises himself when they make him contemplative rather than triggered. ‘I used to think that I found someone…’
For some reason, Seojoon understands as he recalls, ‘From before…’
‘Yeah. Before Bangtan was…’ Taehyung flourishes his hand to gesture vaguely.
‘Someone still in your life?’
Taehyung nods, but then shakes his head because he’s a little unsure how to explain himself. ‘It’s not meant to be.’
‘There’s the Tae I know, speaking in romantic ways again. Meant to be .’ Seojoon can’t help but smirk.
‘What?’
‘I can’t tell you what to do, but you seem unsettled about something, maybe about what we’re talking about now.’
Taehyung remains mum, biting the inside of his cheek.
Seojoon sticks to his word and doesn’t lecture him. Thankfully, he doesn’t pry either. He only adds, ‘Someone’s in your life that knew you before your lives became this crazy, extraordinary ride. Someone you might think has made the biggest impact…and you want to, what, not try to make it work?’
‘You make it sound like such an easy thing to overcome.’
‘I imagine nothing you guys go through is easy. I’m just wondering if you think this someone is worth the difficulty. Are they precious to you?’
Present | End of September 2017 | After visiting Seokjin and dinner
Namjoon wouldn’t be a leader worth his salt if he wasn’t observant of all of them. So, as they exit the restaurant for the night, Taehyung could feel their leader’s eyes on him, and felt his presence hovering in his space.
‘Taehyungie,’ Namjoon says, accosting him by slinging an arm around him so no one else can hear. ‘Are you feeling better…from before?’
Taehyung ducks his head as they both get into the van with the others, and he gives a quick nod, feeling even more embarrassed at his reactionary comments at the hospital while fussing over Seokjin.
Namjoon doesn’t let this slide. All the way to the dorms, he catches Namjoon failing to be discreet about observing him.
Even as they all make their way to bed, reminding each other to call and text Seokjin to make plans for visiting him in the morning, Namjoon seemingly finds Taehyung to watch over him again. Or he might be questioning the way that Taehyung lingers in their common room, debating on taking off or keeping his coat on. Either way, Namjoon stays close by.
Does he know that I’m thinking of sneaking back to the hospital?
‘Visiting hours are way over, Taehyung.’
Taehyung turns to face Namjoon, realizing how everyone has left for their private dorm rooms. They are alone and now his intentions are crystal clear.
‘I know, hyung,’ Taehyung replies, nodding heavily. He makes his way to their couch, slumping into a seat that he felt could very well be his bed tonight.
‘I know you know.’ Namjoon comes to sit next to him, patting his knee. ‘I just wish I knew more about what you’re going through.’
Taehyung gulps thickly. He’s right to wonder, of course. There have been moments of disconnect between himself and the others—some brought on from their grueling schedules, some from sharing his time between shooting for Hwarang and their band’s activities and shows, and some brought on by his unresolved feelings for one particular member—and, through it all, he’s not always shared his honest feelings with the very people he claims as family as well as his bandmates.
‘Well, I guess there’s always that song we worked on over the summer for our last Festa,’ Namjoon suddenly thinks out loud. ‘I’ve never heard you more honest with that song.’
Oh, right. Except for that song. He’s kept some of his most intimate feelings to himself except for 4’ O Clock.
‘I…yes, you’re right. I remember fighting with Jimin. I remember telling him about…’
And Namjoon does a little more observing. Taehyung dares to keep his gaze steady with him in a silent game of ‘Who’s going to say it first?’
It was always understood that the lyrics Taehyung asked Namjoon to help write for 4’ O Clock were about their shared fascination about the twilight hours between night and day. It was also understood that Taehyung was trying his best to describe a moment bigger than just petty fights with members, but a moment of tangled thoughts and an incomplete introspection about himself, something he couldn’t vocalize outside their music.
‘Seokjin-hyung,’ Namjoon decisively breaks the silence first. ‘He seemed to be…interested in our performance. I remember him asking questions about it, about how it was written, about what I meant by this or that. Back then, I used to think he was just fishing for advice on his own writing ideas.’
Taehyung softly smiles at this, imagining Seokjin’s poorly veiled curiosity for something he probably knew the truth about.
‘He knew it was partially about him, didn’t he?’ Namjoon asks.
There was no sense in hiding it now, and there was no reason to keep up a pretence after the way he acted in the hospital. If any truth was revealed tonight, Namjoon, as he always does, listens without judgment. He also seemed to know without judgment too.
‘Jimin and I met up in the middle of the night and talked for hours at that park. About our latest fight. About life. About Jin-hyung…’
‘Ah,’ Namjoon sighs. ‘I’m glad I could help you express how you were feeling. I’m sure it was hard not being able to say it out loud.’
‘It was hard not saying it out loud when, at that time, all I ever wanted to say was how I felt.’
‘And you’ve felt this way a lot longer than I imagine, right? The way you were talking to Jin-hyung at the hospital tonight wasn’t the first time I’ve seen you two act that way.’
Since coming out, Taehyung’s felt an immense relief. His bandmates and even his family had their moment of suspended disbelief because of his confession, but they gave nothing but gentle reminders of their love and acceptance. Like it was always there.
So, it makes it easy for Taehyung to freely tell Namjoon, ‘I bet you knew it before Jin-hyung wanted to admit it.’
‘Well, from the start, Jin-hyung’s priority was to act as our older brother in a way. He worked hard and tried to act a certain way, but I think it was plain to see how he indulged you. Sometimes, your thoughts and actions have drifted on a different plane than us, but, somehow, Jin-hyung understood you. Translated for you.’
‘He just got me. He’d tease me but he was never hurtful. He’d be so kind and playful about it too.’
‘That’s our Jin-hyung…and I guess that's what made it easy to feel the way you did about him then.’
Taehyung nods, admitting, ‘I can’t believe it, but I’m back to feeling like I used to, like I hadn’t made my promises to change, like I hadn’t moved on. It’s him. It’s still…I still love Jin-hyung the most.’
Namjoon doesn’t move, nor does he look away. Taehyung wonders how much of this he expected to hear. He clearly knew about them for some time now.
Taehyung continues, ‘I don’t think this is fair to Haneul. I shouldn’t have—’
‘And Jin-hyung shouldn’t be entertaining his parents’ approval for a woman he doesn’t see a future with.’
‘Does Moonhee know?’ Taehyung finally looks away as he asks this.
‘You know hyung. Sometimes it’s hard to truly know what he’s thinking or what he’s planning, but I would never assume that he’s insensitive enough to not be mostly truthful with her.’
‘I need to be truthful too.’
Namjoon hums quietly and sighs too. Both of them sink into their seats a little bit more, settling in the grooves of the couch and clutching the nearby pillows. ‘To Hanuel? Sure, have that conversation, but, Taehyung, you have been truthful to yourself. Whatever you and Jin-hyung had or might still have between you hasn’t consumed you two to the point of making conflicts in your life. Both of you have been good to the people in your life, to us, to our work…These complications, the way it may be painful with Haneul for now, it’ll all pass. You’re a good person. You will do the right thing.’
‘And if Jin-hyung and I mess things up. If we affect the band?’
‘ We won’t let you two suffer alone. Haven’t we seen and been through it all together? All of our ups and downs, all the arguments and the triumphs? Why would we treat this any differently?’
Taehyung doesn’t feel himself tear up until a few droplets trail down his neck, and his fingertips come up to touch some tears in surprise. ‘Could I ask you a favour?’ he requests and gulps down a lump in his throat.
‘Sure.’
‘Jin-hyung must be restless in that hospital bed right now. He hates it when there isn’t fresh linen or any proper air conditioning. Maybe…maybe we can say a prayer for him.’
‘You’re not religious.’ Namjoon chuckles at this.
‘I know—it’s just—my halmeoni used to do them with me. I don’t remember if it was Christian or Buddhist prayer or a mix of the two. She was kind of a character…like me.’
‘Ah,’ Namjoon says, still chuckling. ‘What should we say in this prayer then?’
‘Something for Jin-hyung’s health and recovery. For our band to endure whatever might come our way.’
Namjoon indulges him by forming prayer hands against his chest, closing his eyes.
‘Hyung,’ Taehyung says before he starts their prayers, bringing his own hands together.
Namjoon peels one eye open. ‘Yeah?’
‘Thanks,’ Taehyung says, and he explains, ‘I haven’t thought of my halmeoni in a long time, not since she passed away last year. She used to tell me stories and helped me feel like being a character was okay, like being different was okay.’
‘You’re human, Tae. You have to remember that…and you’ll be okay.’
Many years ago… | Halmeoni's words
Sonja…Sarang…Sonja…
Through bleary, wet vision, Taehyung can see a wrinkled and weathered hand cover his. It’s warm and weighted on him and it stops him from completely curling both hands under his chin, trying to fit into the smallest version himself as he lies his head on the kitchen table. The rest of him is curled into a ball of crossed legs and a hunched over position on his chair.
‘It hurts, halmeoni,’ he mumbles into his arm, barely audible from the sniffles he fails to smother as he feels like sobbing harder than before. ‘He apologized to me, but…it…hurts.’
His grandmother is still blurry in his line of sight as tears keep coming, but he can make out a gentle smile spread across her face when he peeks at her with the only eye he isn’t covering.
He had told her how he felt after shakily giving a gift card to a ‘friend’ and finding his own way back home instead of asking for a ride back to their house, deciding against imposing his attendance at a birthday party he was never intended to be at. He had told her about said ‘friend’ who had only just apologized to him about his ‘missing’ invitation while the party was long over and all his friends had been talking about it for days. He told her it only made him feel only less trusting and pathetic.
Sonja…Sarang…Sonja…
Her calls continue. This time, though, she doesn’t tell him fables about tigers and princes and mysteries he loves so much. Instead, she assures him, ‘Don’t let this dishearten you. There are some people who will never appreciate you no matter how hard you try to win them over, but there will always be someone to understand and love you for who you truly are. When that happens, always remember to hold on to that kind of love, and let go when you receive it.’
Taehyung wrinkles his nose, momentarily rubbing at his eyelids to stop his tears. Doing this made him pause to take in her words.
She takes this as a cue to cuddle him close. ‘Remember that, Taehyungie. Okay…okay?’
He slowly nods, seeing her clearly for the first time. If anything, seeing her smile lines and dumpling-shaped cheeks made him feel somewhat soothed. It still hurt, but his grandmother’s warmth was making it hard to continue to wrack his body with sadness. ‘I will, halmeoni.’