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November 2017 l A day off and a date
It shouldn’t feel as awkward as it does.
Seokjin had finally gathered the courage to speak to Taehyung after being released from the hospital. Taehyung had apologized for the regrettable words he couldn’t take back, but reminded Seokjin where he was coming from after being forced into hearing his drunken confession. Seokjin had also apologized for not being truthful enough in the past and when he was too late in being truthful as well.
Importantly, Taehyung assured him that he wasn’t too late.
And…Taehyung had broken things off with Hanuel.
Oh , Seokjin was inwardly shaken, feeling the guiltiest thrill take over him from hearing this.
So, it comes as a surprise that now, as they stand side by side in front of Taehyung’s dorm room—after a night of food and drinks, the latest Thor movie, and the gentle easing back into their familiar banter—Seokjin can’t think of why they’re struck dumb and still by the end of the night.
‘Hyung—’ ‘Tae—’
They both chuckle at their rushed words.
‘Sorry—’ ‘What were—’
Taehyung smiles gently, finally getting an uninterrupted word in, ‘Thank you for taking me out tonight, hyung. It felt like…not much has changed between us.’
But that’s the thing , Seokjin tries to battle his nerves as he debates with himself, I want things to change .
‘Goodnight, Tae-ah,’ he can’t believe that’s all he can muster.
An unreadable expression dashes across Taehyung’s eyes before they revert back. Slowly, his smile tightens, ‘Goodnight…’
Is that all? Are you insane? Haven’t you waited long enough--hasn’t he? Seokjin can’t deny how idiotic he feels at his inner chastising.
Before Taehyung grabs his door handle, Seokjin blurts out, ‘Let’s do this again, we have another day off in a couple days…please.’
‘Okay, hyung,’ Taehyung agrees and too quickly slips into his dorm room, leaving Seokjin staring at his closed door.
If this was any indication of how it would be to finally have the opportunity to take Taehyung out on a…
This was a date, he knew that when he had asked him earlier in the week. There was also no pretense in calling it anything other than a date when their eagerness for spending time together was as clear as the shy, hopeful smiles they exchanged.
It was a date to speak on things that only mattered to them, to finally figure things out between them.
He continues to stare at Taehyung's door.
So… he ruminates inwardly. Taehyung’s not going to come out and force him to face their feelings like before.
Then, it occurs to Seokjin that all the longing and pining he had done in the past year had him realizing the root of his hesitation. All the changes and the experiences Taehyung had gone through only clashed with the fact that Seokjin hadn’t changed much at all.
He’d taken Taehyung to the same fried chicken restaurant they used to frequent. He had worn a tried and true outfit of a simple white tee, an old pair of designer slacks and matching bomber jacket. He had only listened to Taehyung’s new stories of friends he only knew through second hand information from him. All the little anecdotes had some sort of interesting turn of events or something new he learned about Taehyung himself. Seokjin could only offer him news of the mundanity of his private schedule, some things he’s sure Taehyung already knew about due to seeing each other nearly all the days of the year. This was his life and he couldn’t lie and say he ventured out for more. Being a creature of habit made him this way. In fact, he preferred it this way.
Could he offer Taehyung more than this? Could this be enough for him?
-
A few nights later…
Seokjin rattles off a few reviews about the current restaurant they’re in. He knows he’s rambling. He can’t help it, with Taehyung smiling fondly at him, looking exceptionally handsome tonight. A black beret sitting over his styled hair only making him look all the more effortless.
Taehyung seems to make the similar observations as he comments, ‘It is nice here, you don’t have to keep convincing me, hyung, and you look nice too. Is this new?’
Taehyung is gesturing at Seokjin’s last minute purchase the night before, a new sweater and leather coat. He feels heat instantly rising along the nape of his neck.
‘Mmhmm,’ he mumbles and slurps some noodles into his mouth, ducking his head because he’s sure he’s blushing. The fluorescent light in the noodle shop booth above them does not allow him to hide at all.
‘I like it, it’s kind of a new look for you,’ Taehyung compliments him. ‘And don’t make it obvious when you look over, but the girls in the other booth seem to be enjoying the look too.’
Seokjin takes a discreet peek at the pair of gawking teenage girls and then turns to wince at Taehyung. ‘They’re looking at both of us, they’re probably fans. I’m sorry, Tae, I should’ve done a little more research about this place, I thought it’d be more private. We can—’
‘Hyung, it’s fine,’ Taehyung says, chuckling. ‘Just finish your dish and I’ll finish mine, and we’ll probably have to sign a couple things for them, but then we’ll leave. Just relax…anyway, aren’t we used to this by now? You seem a bit off tonight. Everything okay?’
Seokjin doesn’t know how to answer this. Yes, it’s because I’m trying here. No, I’m fine, everything is fine. Yes, I’m so nervous that this doesn’t go well and you’ll change your mind.
‘Aish, I’m fine.’ He scoffs abruptly, waggles his eyebrows and, as usual, chooses a humourous escape from Taehyung’s concern. ‘You want to see which of us they prefer to get the autograph from before we leave?’
Taehyung pauses, almost looking unconvinced, then he releases a surprised puff of air before he laughs, ‘Since when do you get competitive about that stuff?
‘Just finish your noodles.’
Taehyung waggles his brows this time, goading him, ‘Wanna race since you’re feeling so competitive tonight?’
‘Let’s just try to get through this. I’m almost done, see?’
‘I ordered soba. You know it takes me a while to finish this.’
‘I told you to try this new dish, Tae-ah, why didn’t you just trust me? I haven’t tried it either, so it would’ve been quicker to finish between us. Aren’t you into trying new things now? Don’t you trust hyung anymore?’ He says this in a succession of irritated, mumbled words.
Taehyung scrunches up his features. ‘Jin-hyung, you know I can’t handle spice. That whole bowl is full of it! Are you sure there’s nothing on your mind?’
‘Nothing, just eat,’ he replies, mumbling into an even bigger bite of noodles, trying to school whatever disappointed expression he’s sure his furrowed brows are showing. Then, right after he swallows, he pleads, ‘Before the girls start contemplating approaching us, let’s just get through this.’
He doesn’t look up at Taehyung, but he can hear rather than see him being suspicious again. ‘Are you sure you’re talking about my noodles again, hyung?’
-
To his credit, Taehyung doesn’t let up.
Regardless of the fantastic time they had comparing notes on the boutique shops Seokjin had found for Taehyung to try on a variety of jewelry and clothing (with Taehyung looking predictably inspiring in everything he tried on). Regardless of how much laughter Seokjin wasn’t aware he had been holding on to before tonight. Regardless of Seokjin finally relaxing as they strolled down the Han River, and the relatively cool rather than cold breeze, Taehyung remains curious.
Resolutely curious. With fleeting glances and loaded pauses between his words. All the way to his dorm room door.
He was so insistent on prodding at his curiosity of the elder, he ends up asking, ‘I know we both apologized for things that we’ve said, and I know I can’t take back all those things I said to you about asking you to get over—erm—about crossing the—’
Taehyung still can’t fully repeat what transpired between them, as if he were realizing he had cursed in front of a live broadcast. He swallows thickly before continuing, ‘But why do I get the feeling like we’re still holding back? Or maybe that you’re holding back.’
Something splinter-sized darts through his chest as he watches uncertainty cloud Taehyung’s eyes. Hesitantly, Seokjin asks, ‘Didn’t you enjoy today? Wasn’t it…’-- Enough? --‘Fun?’
‘Hyung, of course I enjoyed today,’ Taehyung says carefully. ‘It’s just—well, I just wasn’t expecting half the things you planned today.’
‘I can be surprising sometimes.’
‘That’s not it—it’s—I was just expecting more or less of what happened the other night.’
‘Oh,’ Seokjin says and can’t help but sound dejected as well.
‘No, wait,’ Taehyung stops to bite his lower lip. ‘What I’m trying to say is that it’s not you, Jin-hyung.’
‘I can’t do the things you enjoy?’ Seokjin says, and more disappointment seeps deeper into his words than he intends.
‘No, no, no—’
‘I know, Tae,’ Seokjin interrupts, growing impatient now. ‘I know I was trying too hard. Moonhee reassured me—’
‘What’s she got to do with this? She knows about us? Did she plan this--’
‘No, I planned it. She kind of likes to tease me about everything that I do…for you.’
Surprisingly, Taehyung’s propensity toward poorly veiled jealousy does not show. He’s simply still curious.
‘You told her about us?’
‘I did. I trust her. She’s a good friend, someone I confessed being at a complete loss about not knowing how to be around you anymore. I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I didn’t want you to think it was just an ordinary—I wanted to be—‘
‘I just want you, hyung. I have always just wanted you .’ Taehyung’s quiet words almost makes Seokjin feel like he imagines them, something as familiar as a desperate daydream.
Seokjin inhales and holds his breath for as long as he can before he has to let go. Slowly, he starts to unclench his fists, realizing he had been holding them tightly against his sides.
‘Are we that strange to each other now?’ It’s Taehyung’s turn to sound disappointed, with his brows almost knitted tightly together.
Seokjin can’t decide what he should address first—Taehyung’s honesty or his doubts. And his inner conflict only worsens when the thought of Taehyung’s earnest confession spurs on his own ‘wants’.
I’ve always wanted you too , he thinks, chest growing tight. His gaze travels down to Taehyung’s lips, wanting to assure him in the way only his daydreaming gave him freedom to.
He could simply reach over and bring him closer, he could hold him still and kiss him to show him exactly what he wanted too.
‘Hyung! Jin-hyung!’
Bursting through their bubble, Jungkook comes bounding toward them, with Jimin following him through the corridor, asking them a few rushed questions.
‘We were wondering when you two would show up,’ Jungkook says, clapping Seokjin’s shoulder. ‘Wah, you guys look fancy today. Where did you two—’
‘ Jungkook ,’ Jimin suddenly raises his voice to interrupt, nudging his way through so that the youngest releases Seokjin. ‘I just remembered that Namjoon-hyung said we were supposed to meet in the studio after dinner.’
‘Since when?’ Jungkook asks, puzzled.
‘He texted me earlier today. I forgot, that’s all.’
‘What about,’ Jungkook persists, gesturing to Seokjin and Taehyung. ‘You said they might be free tonight, it’s one of our only days off this week. And don’t you want to see what Namjoon-hyung is working on too, Jin-hyung?’
Jimin is discreet in flitting his gaze from Taehyung to Seokjin to Jungkook. It’s a hasty look, but Seokjin can tell that Jimin is figuring out an out for them.
‘Jin-hyung texted me earlier too. I’m losing it today. I didn’t realize he and Taehyung both had a long day. No wonder Taehyung is headed to bed now,’ Jimin easily lies again.
Not looking entirely convinced, Jungkook chooses to blink incredulously at Taehyung.
‘Why are you going to bed so early?’ Jungkook asks, watching as Taehyung hesitantly grabs for his doorknob.
Taehyung dares to make eye contact with Seokjin before he answers, ‘I’m tired.’
Jungkook persists, ‘How? You go out with your friends way later than this sometimes.’
‘Yah, I was the one to suggest that Taehyung needs to rest because he is tired.’ Seokjin interjects, irritated, puzzled over the youngest’s comments. Then, his next instinct is to tease, ‘Don’t be a brat and follow Jiminie.’
Jungkook shrugs at this and follows Jimin’s guiding hand on his shoulder. ‘Well, are you coming, hyung?’ He still can’t seem to contain himself, turning his head as Jimin tries to pull him away.
Conflicted, Seokjin looks between the opposite side of the corridor, eyes on Taehyung’s hand already turning at the doorknob.
‘Wait…Tae, I—’ Seokjin starts, realization dawning on him at the quick turn of events. All the time he had squandered by being wrapped up in his head rather than voicing out everything he needed to tell the younger adds weight to the worrisome end of their night together.
‘It’s fine, hyung. I am tired,’ Taehyung says with as much weariness in his voice as there is in his eyes.
For the second time in a week, Seokjin is left staring at Taehyung’s closed door. This time, he finds it harder to convince himself that he hasn’t missed another opportunity.
Jimin casts him a sympathetic look when Seokjin catches up to the pair, and even Jungkook has the decency to look concerned at him. None of it quells his thoughts on leaving Taehyung behind his door again.
-
October 2013 | Konkuk University Cafeteria
‘So…’
‘So?’
The pouting brunette in front of him starts to grimace. ‘Yah! Tell me if it was worth me warming up to a random freshman for over two weeks.’
‘Yah! I’m older than you.’
She makes a face, countering, ‘By 34 days.’
‘You know it still counts.’
‘Urgh! Who cares,’ she grouses, now picking off from his plate of fresh, steaming dumplings. Then, after a rather big swallow, she tries on a saccharine smile at a frightening speed, and implores, ‘Please, Seokjin-oppa.’
Seokjin laughs, nonplussed by her facial gymnastics. He replies,‘She was…nice.’
‘Nice? Can you please elaborate? If this was your first date from someone at school, I should have first-second-hand knowledge.’
Seokjin sighs. For as long as he’s known Eunji, he knows he’s had to push himself to keep up. As soon as he stepped foot on campus, straight from his all-boys high school, he had a sneaking suspicion that he’d been on her radar for longer than he could tell, waiting to push, push, and push some more.
Not that he’s complaining. She found him when he wasn’t sure what class he had walked into—Method Acting, for seniors, not his own as a freshman. She scolded him, advising him that his tendency to pout when talking would only get him as far as looking cute for the camera and wouldn’t showcase his potential to look as cold and brooding as he naturally appears sometimes. She also told him to keep better eye contact when women talked to him.
He suspected she pushed him because she cared.
So, because she cared so much, he indulged her bouncing in her seat to find out about his date last night. ‘We bumped into my eomma on our way out of a restaurant.’
The roundness of her cheeks reminds him of a chipmunk as she continues to steal from his plate. He intercepts her chopsticks with his own, but she doesn’t seem affected as she starts to laugh wholeheartedly at him instead.
‘Your eomma?’ She cackles now. ‘Bet she was shocked.’
‘Why? I told her I’d be going out for a date. She even suggested the restaurant that we—’
Eunji covers her mouth, but still titters behind her hand.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. It’s endearing how much she knows about your social life.’
‘Yeah, well, I get along with her. Anyway, she got to meet my eomma and hyung, and it was fine.’
‘And Seokjung-hyung?’
‘Since when do you call him that?’
‘Since he and his girlfriend come to my eomma’s chicken shop every weekend. They’re cute. Bet eomma’s happy that both her sons are well on their way to being properly educated and settled.’
Seokjin nearly chokes on the first bite he takes of his own lunch. He tries to clear his throat and apologizes to the other people at their table in the cafeteria. Luckily, none of the other students bat an eyelash at him.
‘Settled?’ He whispers. ‘No, no, no.’
‘So, the date didn’t go well?’ She whispers back.
‘It did. I mean, it was fine…’ Seokjin pauses, feeling guilty. Then continues to explain, ‘Eunji-ah, I’m thankful for all your…help…but I’m kind of busy with—’
‘Bangtan. Idol life. Ah, yes, yes, I know. Only, I wish you knew that you deserve a break from time to time too.’
‘Anyway,’ Seokjin says, shrugging. ‘I kind of leave all that stuff my eomma gets excited over—school, awards, girlfriends—to my hyung.’
Eunji, for the first time since they sat together, drops her chopsticks. ‘Yah!’
Eunji is loud. There is no way around getting her to quiet down either. It helps when they practice lines in the theater rooms, but it does not help now. And people do start to stare.
‘Yah!’ He whisper hisses as if this will coax her to follow his volume. ‘What’s wrong now?’
Thankfully, she does quiet down. ‘You’re doing it again. Feeling sorry for yourself when you don’t even realize your own— aish —do you have any idea how many people turn their heads when you pass by? How they stare, wide-eyed during your presentations? Or when they see me with you? I would be offended if I didn't know a chubby girl like me could act circles around half the student body here.’
‘Ah, don’t talk about yourself like that,’ Seokjin says, embarrassed.
She waves him off. ‘Listen, every time you lower your eyes, you have no idea how many eyes are on you. There’s a reason you got early acceptance, and don’t you forget it.’
‘Sorry,’ Seokjin says, and Eunji exasperates at this too, but he pushes forward, ‘I guess I’m just used to having hyung being at the center of our household. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good brother. As much as he’s tortured me with his teasing in the past, he’s also looked out for me, especially when I got sent to that English program in Australia I told you about before—my parents' idea for my incurable shyness before, remember? He has no idea what all his messages meant to me when I was bored…or lonely.’
‘But it’s your turn now,’ she encourages. ‘To shine, I mean.’
‘Maybe. Maybe not. I will admit that I’ve always been a little jealous of hyung's ease with everything, with his grades and the praise he gets for just about everything he tries and does. I’ve gotten it too, but for my looks and…well, I’m not sure what else. So, if I get half the amount of praise for all my childhood stories I’ve thought up in my head or the characters I bring to life onstage, maybe even with wherever Bangtan takes me, I’d be happy. My parents will be as well, I think. I’ll just work hard at what I know I can offer so I can make them proud too.’
Eunji’s been staring at him for his entire explanation but, as he finishes she ducks her head and swats at his arm. ‘ Yah ,’ she says quietly this time, her eyes taking on a noticeably wet sheen. ‘You’re insufferable sometimes.’
Even when she swipes at the last dumpling on his plate, he doesn’t have the heart to bring up the way her nose wrinkles and the unmistakable sound of her sniffling when she dots at the corner of her eyes, complaining about the spiciness of the kimchi inside the dumpling she munches on.
‘I know, but you love it. You’ll also love the truth about last night, why I had to tell the girl why we can’t continue going on any more dates.’
Eunji chokes this time.
‘She called gaming a childish, annoying hobby.’
‘Blasphemy.’
‘We’re not meant to be. Guess you did waste your time.’
‘Well, how about we make a deal?’
‘Hm,’ he hums for her to continue.
‘I’ll take a break from setting you up because of your scheduling—boo, but only if you promise to tell me if you ever do meet someone you actually connect with.’
Seokjin hums in affirmative again.
‘Someone you have lots in common with, like with your acting and singing, or at least someone who loves you doing this. Someone who gets your dreams of becoming a worldwide star,’ Eunji has to wave off his chuckling at that term. ‘Someone who plays with you. I mean it. Someone who gets how much fun you can be. You’re so much fun, oppa.’
He nods appreciatively, while Eunji wears a determined look.
‘Or…maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong type of person,’ Eunji muses, cocking an eyebrow at him.
This is something they haven’t openly discussed, but Seokjin has never denied her observations about the company he keeps or the boys that have asked him out on occasion. Eunji, like himself, follows the blatant and unspoken rules all their peers follow in a country like theirs, but she obviously finds ways to dance around it. A lunch date here or a ramen dinner date there, with a boy Seokjin is attracted to, dressed up as a ‘hang out’ is far from forbidden, and nor is Eunji’s insatiable curiosity about them. In truth, she equally eats up developments with these relationships too.
Like always, Seokjin replies with a teasing reminder, ‘Too bad you don’t like me. We could work.’
Eunji cackles again, ‘Still not my type and you know it.’
She winks at someone across the cafeteria hall, and, before he can scan for a familiar face, he has to remind himself of why he’s always been drawn to her. She’s as outrageous as she is confident—in a way he hopes to be capable of if they stay friends longer—and she doesn’t blink at him in disbelief for who he is. This understanding is on a level he can’t quite find with anyone else he’s met so far. So, he already knows his friend is most likely making a girl blush at her boldness. And she’s not doing it for a gag. She means it.
‘They have to like gaming,’ he adds thoughtfully, now taking bites from her plate.
‘They should definitely play with you,’ she agrees, pushing her plate toward him. ‘They should make you the happiest.’
-
November 2017 | LA …Is it too late?
Seokjin always believed in a certain kind of order to his life.
His whole life he’s been rewarded by hard work. Work hard and be rewarded. Be a good son, brother, friend, bandmate and be rewarded.
Case in point: American show after American show has only garnered more attention and praise for their group. At least, that’s what the stylist tells him as she gets him ready for another interview show. This one is for a radio show with Mario Lopez. One more before their big AMA performance.
He’s currently being told that this award show is popular amongst the stylist’s Korean-American cousins, something he’s also well aware of because of all the presentations on their group’s potential for recognition and growth in their fanbase from the countless company meetings they attended before their arrival to L.A.
‘L.A.’ He hears Jungkook enunciating the letters with a pronounced American accent.
He smirks at his dongsaeng’s reflection from the corner of his mirror, and he scans the members in their nearby salon chairs too. All of them seem to wear the same hyper-focused appearance as Jungkook.
He’s sure he’s not wearing nearly enough focus on his features though, not when he can’t help but take in this moment.
All my hard work…my reward…I’m here, he can’t help but marvel inwardly. We’re all here.
Flashes of their collective visceral hunger and excitement during their debut days seem to flood his thoughts too and, because they tend to do so, his eyes fall on Taehyung. Taehyung’s face is lit up from excitement over the way his stylist is parting his hair in the exact way he likes it. And his heart finds itself doing something familiar too. It aches to look at him. Something about being together for most hours of the day, being in a foreign country so that they all tend to cling and rely on each other more than usual, gives way to an ache that reminds Seokjin of how much closer he wants to be with Taeyhyung. After a series of stunted, short-lived moments on a few dinner dates, the familiar ache he’s felt for the younger only seems to intensify.
Is it too late, Taehyung?
At this sobering thought, Seokjin wonders if the reward he’s waited for since they debuted is all he ever imagined. More importantly, was this truly all he wanted?
If there was an order to his life, he realizes, there wasn’t enough hard work put into where it matters to him now. He hasn’t looked away from Taehyung as he contemplates, He matters .
-
‘Hyung…Hyung…’
Seokjin is nudged and coaxed awake by Taehyung’s deep voice and his face comes into view as he rubs his eyelids open.
‘Nice nap?’ Taehyung asks, smiling softly. ‘We’re back at the hotel.’
He takes a deep breath in and out, sitting up from the uncomfortable slump he found himself in at the backseat of their rental van. It lurches to a stop and Seokjin realizes that the sunset and the darkening sky means another day of promotions and interviews is finally ending.
Is it too late?
Seokjin shakes himself mentally when he notices how slowly he is moving, willing his weary body to action.
‘Tae-ah,’ he calls as they start to enter the hotel lobby, gesturing for Taehyung to wait up.
Taehyung stops in his tracks, and watches the other members leave them, each one bidding them a goodnight. Seokjin takes his time to explain himself, so it’s no wonder Taehyung asks, ‘Jin-hyung, are you okay? Are you…nervous about tomorrow?’
Tomorrow? For the famous American award show with thousands of guests watching them in the theatre, with millions of watchers to follow once the recording airs? Sure. He’s nervous about that. He’s always filled with jittery energy before any performance.
Except, it’s not just that.
‘Would you…can we speak privately?’ Seokjin finally asks, looking around.
Rightfully, Taehyung is surprised by this request. ‘Erm…’
‘It’s important.’
‘Sure, hyung.’ Taehyung still looks puzzled as he agrees, but he finally bids their security and manager a final goodnight and leads the way.
All the way up, every step beyond the elevator doors that open up to their blocked off corridor makes him more aware of the fact that he’s yet to see past Taehyung’s doorway, let alone step past its threshold.
‘Come in,’ Taehyung offers, like it doesn’t mean as much as Seokjin is making it out to be.
And Taehyung still looks nonplussed as he roughly throws his belongings on his bed, while leaving his shoes to trail behind them as he kicks them off. As he collapses to his side on top of his bed sheets and linens, he looks up at Seokjin expectantly.
‘Tch,’ Seokjin says reflexively.
Taehyung scoffs, ‘Don’t.’
‘Your outside clothes, Tae-ah…’
‘Did you come here to scold me?’
‘Of course not.’ Seokjin bites down and starts worrying at his bottom lip.
Then, finally, Taehyung’s aloof attitude and his features begin to shift into something else, something most likely as worrisome-looking as his own. This wasn’t what he meant the younger to feel.
‘Listen, hyung, all the planning you did for those dates—I know it was meant to make me feel…Honestly, I don’t know how you wanted me to feel.’ Taehyung starts to sit up now, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck.
Seokjin always prided himself on the way he conducted himself, how he planned his day, his goals, his life. From managing school to their idol schedule, he always…managed.
So, it frustrates him that not only did his plans for Taehyung utterly fail, but even this completely unplanned, spontaneous act of bravery to come here tonight seemed doomed.
So, he swallows the lump in his throat before he tries, ‘Taehyung, I’m sorry.’
‘ Don’t, ’ Taehyung says curtly this time, eyes downcast. ‘And don’t tell me that we—that we should—I can’t take another promise from you, hyung. I can’t promise you things I can’t follow through with again.’
He nearly gasps at the sight of the younger’s shoulders sagging and then trembling. The moment he spots droplets soaking spots on his clothed thighs, Seokjin moves in quickly. He drops to his knees and takes Taehyung's hands in his.
‘Wait—no—you have it all wrong, Tae,’ he whispers, trying to meet Taehyung’s line of sight.
‘I tried to ignore the signs. I tried to focus all my energy on our group’s schedule so I didn’t have to think about how much we don’t seem to fit anymore, but…aren’t you here to agree with this?’
‘Taehyung,’ he says firmly, which makes the younger finally look up at him, his sniffling subsiding in anticipation. ‘You make me feel out of control.’
‘Right,’ Taehyung agrees, looking uncannily like a downtrodden puppy, he squeezes Seokjin’s hands like he’s bracing himself.
‘It’s a good thing,’ Seokjin says. ‘All my life, I felt like I had this duty to keep things in a certain order. To be honest, I’ll probably always feel a pull to do this, even against my better judgment. It’s how my parents raised me. But I feel out of control when I’m with you. The part of me that wanted Bangtan to succeed and reach heights that we’re reaching now is becoming a reality because of you guys. And you. You’ve always made me feel like I’m reaching this height of happiness I’ve never felt before. It scares me.’
‘I scare you?’
‘Not in a bad way, Tae. In a good way. You make me the happiest and I’m scared of what that means.’
‘It means you have to accept that I love you,’ Taehyung says as if the right words have dawned on him in an instant, eyes clearer than before as he wipes them dry. ‘The only thing is, you have to accept that you deserve my love too. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve kept denying what you want, what you want to say or how you really feel.’
Seokjin nods, ‘And you deserve to hear it from me first…I love you, too.’
Taehyung releases an abrupt, stilted sob before he replies, ‘God, I’ve been waiting so long for you to say that. Do you have any idea how long it felt—’
‘Of course, I know. Of course, I felt—’
Seokjin cuts himself off, clambering up to hover over and reverently cradle Taehyung’s face before kissing him. They indulge in soft, chaste kisses between two closed lips. But soon Seokjin moves with determination, wanting more as they both fall back on Taehyung’s bed. Taehyung starts to intertwine their legs and pulls Seokjin’s arms up to cage him in by his propped up elbows.
Hot. He’s hot all over. His skin feels heated, like he’s already covered in sweat from Taehyung’s hands, which start to climb higher and higher, gripping him harder under his shirt.
‘Tae,’ he gasps into an open-mouthed kiss.
‘Jin—’ Taehyung starts and stops, pulling him in for a particularly long, breath-stealing kiss, clearly telling Seokjin to forget the chit chat for now.
They kiss and kiss and hold each other until they’re both panting heavily. If an hour had passed before they had stopped for a break, Seokjin’s not sure, but they do end up half naked and entirely exhausted from the desperate touching and the fits of ridiculous, awkward giggling over nothing in particular.
‘Did you know back then? Since the beginning?’ Taehyung tries to hold back what looks like another bout of laughter.
‘Of course, you and Jimin were insufferable. And loud.’ Seokjin tells him, shaking his head at the memory. Far from being annoyed, he smiles fondly at the memory, absently trailing his fingertips over Taehyung’s exposed collarbone.
They lay face-to-face, under covers, in Taehyung’s bed. Utterly disheveled and completely unbothered.
‘I had the biggest crush on you and I thought I was being secretive.’ Taehyung pouts.
‘And I covered a love song for the whole world to hear, thinking I knew anything about love…I mean, I thought I had an idea about what I felt for you, but I didn’t have the courage to say it out loud or trust in it back then.’
‘I used to write songs about you. Namjoon helped me with one. I think you know…’
‘I do.’
‘I’m glad you know and I hope you get it now.’
‘Get what?’
‘That none of this matters unless you keep believing that you deserve this. You're still talking to someone, right?’
Seokjin exhales out in relief, closing his eyes, feeling as if he were slowly gaining more and more courage from divulging as much as he has tonight. Was there anything left to say, anything unspoken left between them now?
Without any guilt, he admits, ‘I am. I mostly do it over the phone now, but it helps and it helps that I have you too.’
Taehyung reaches over through the tangle of bed sheets, and grasps one of his free hands. ‘And don’t forget that.’--Taehyung brings up their clasped hands to kiss the inside of his palm--‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’