Work Text:
In hindsight, Ena should have seen this coming sooner or later. Her brother has never been one to keep a promise, and no one was expecting him to keep this one, given his condition. She should know, she’s been there, struggling to keep it together, fumble after fumble. However, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised by Akito suddenly at her bedroom door at 2 am.
It was a peaceful night. Ena was chatting away with her friends, for a little longer than usual, but nothing too out of the ordinary, when it happened.
“Ena.”
Akito startled her a bit, but she recognized his voice almost immediately and answered back. “What, Akito?” Ena spins her chair around but doesn’t take her eyes off the screen, reading something Mizuki sent in the chat.
“Oh, what’s up lil’ bro!” Mizuki can’t see or hear Akito when he’s behind the door, but speaks up at the mention of his name.
“Can you help me?” Akito’s voice was monotone as he spoke, but Ena could hear just the slightest bit of desperation in it.
“What do you need help with?” Ena hopes the worry in her voice isn’t noticeable.
A pause, before, “Please.”
///
Akito wakes up with a sharp breath and a pounding headache. He got home not too long ago and locked himself in his room. He had a really shitty day today. What with all the expectations weighing on him about both school and VBS? Mostly VBS… Okay all VBS. Recently, his confidence has started to drop and he’s been second-guessing himself left and right. All these thoughts floating around in his head were irrational and stupid, he knew that. But still…
Once in his room, Akito plopped on his bed, eyes droopy from exhaustion and stress. He’ll just sleep it off and start fresh tomorrow. Hopefully.
Falling asleep was pretty easy, too easy, one might say. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was his dreams, or more, his thoughts. Even while asleep, these stupid thoughts of his came back to haunt him.
Ena is so good at drawing.
Her group is good, too.
I like Mizuki’s singing voice.
I like Kohane’s singing voice, too.
An is really good at dancing.
Why can’t I be more determined like Toya?
Why can’t I be nicer to people?
Everyone says my temper is too out of control.
Len, Miku, and Meiko are always so nice.
Do they think I’m too mean?
Would Kohane and the others kick me out because of it?
Is that a justifiable reason?
What about because I suck at singing and dancing?
I know I’m bad, but I’m really trying.
I have to try harder.
But what if my best isn’t good enough?
Do they all secretly hate me?
Did they let me join out of pity?
Are they going to leave me the second I screw up too badly?
What will I do then?
What if-
That’s when he wakes up, out of breath and head throbbing. With a groan, Akito reaches for his phone to check the time. 1:14 am. Ena should be on her nightly call with her friends. Friends…
Do they all secretly hate me?
No. Akito kicks himself. He knows they don’t. He shouldn’t be thinking these things. He knows that all these dumbass thoughts aren’t true. He knows it. He thinks it.
Akito sits up in his bed and fully opens his eyes. He gets up off his bed and slowly makes his way out of his room and into the bathroom. He doesn’t have to go, and he knows he should just head back to sleep, but he can’t right now, not with all the swirling thoughts in his head.
He turns the bathroom light on and shuts the door behind him. He puts his elbows on the counter and his head in his hands as he looks at himself in the mirror.
What if my best isn’t good enough?
Akito immediately slaps himself, trying to get rid of his nonsense thoughts. The pain felt good. It distracted him from his thoughts for at least a little while…Wait.
No no no stop I don't want to.
Before he can even think about it, he's in the shower and snapping his sister's razor.
Please. I thought I was doing good.
Akito’s body is moving on its own, and he sits down in the tub. The sharpness of the razorblade is shining in the bathroom light, practically begging him to do the inevitable.
I'm over a year clean, I can't start now.
He doesn't know when he started crying, but he can taste the saltiness of his tears when they reach his lips. He doesn't want to do this. He knows he shouldn't.
Please stop. He's begging himself and anyone that will listen.
Everything that happens is a blur and although he doesn't know exactly what happened, the small puddles of blood in the bathtub give away everything. Akito can practically taste the copper of his own blood, as he watches as more of his blood drips from his arms onto the tub floor and his clothes. He was right about at least one thing. This is definitely distracting him from his thoughts. Akito curls into himself, wrapping his hands around his legs and dipping his head down. He's shaking in fear and anger and any negative feeling out there.
The stupid stupid thoughts of his from earlier are gone and replaced with only one thought: Why?
Why am I doing this to myself?
He needs to stop. He knows he can't do this. He wants to be better. But he can't stop fucking crying. He can't get better if this is what he resorts to when things get bad. If he stays like this any longer, who knows what he might do? He might… No he can't. He can't do that. He might, though. If he stays alone like this. He needs help. He needs someone...
Ena.
Akito needs to tell Ena. She would care. Right? These dumbass thoughts are no reason to be doing this to himself, much less thinking about… that. He doesn't care at this point, he just wants to tell someone. He stands up in the tub, still slightly shaking, and wipes his tears. Blood still dripping from his arms, Akito makes his way to his sister's room.
Her door is closed and he doesn't know whether he should knock or just walk in. He stands there for a good two minutes, wondering if he should just go back to bed. Instead, he speaks up.
“...Ena.”
A pause, before, “What, Akito?”
…Ena sounds annoyed. Is he annoying her? Should he really just go back to his room?
“...Can you help me?” Please say yes, I don't want to be alone right now.
“What do you need help with?” No no please just come here, I don't want to deal with this alone.
He stays silent for a bit, thinking if he should just back out. His body betrays his thoughts when he lets out a silent please.
//
“Akito…?” Ena cracks open her door to see her little brother bleeding out onto the carpet, a tiny gasp escapes her mouth. “Oh my god, okay uh Akito hold on.” Ena runs back to her computer and leaves the call with her friends, immediately running back to Akito. “Akito what happened…?” She barely gets to finish her question when Akito slumps into her arms, head resting on her shoulder.
“Please help me.” Ena hears a couple sniffles from her brother. This is bad. This is so so bad.
“Akito I-”
“I thought I was doing good. Ena I… I relapsed. Why can't I do anything right?” A choked sob escapes his mouth, and soon enough, the dam breaks. Tears are flooding from Akitos eyes and they are welling up in Enas, too. They stand there for a bit, Ena awkwardly holding her taller younger brother as both of them cry into each other.
Soon, both tears come to little sniffles, Ena lets go of Akito, and holds his hand instead. She leads him to the bathroom and is not even a little surprised at the bloody mess in the tub. Ena sits Akito down on the toilet, grabs the broken razor and razorblade from the tub floor and throws them away. She turns on the bath water to drain the blood out. As it's running, Ena grabs the bandages, gauze, and hydrogen peroxide from under the sink. She looks back at her little brother who is staring into nothing, looking worse for wear. Ena sighs, standing back up and wetting the washcloth on the counter. She wipes the blood from her brother's arms and puts a little more pressure on the dried blood to really get it off. Akito doesn't react to any of this and seems to not care what's happening around him, but Ena knows better. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have come to her.
Ena opens the hydrogen peroxide and sees Akito flinch a little out of the corner of her eye. “I know Akito,” she looks back at him, trying to sound sympathetic. “It's going to sting but we don't want any infections.” Akito nods his head because he knows he needs it. He's gone through this procedure many times before. “Alright, here we go.” The hydrogen peroxide spills all over Akito's arm and drips onto the floor. When it reaches his many cuts, they bubble and Akito stomps his feet and squeezes his eyes shut in pain, while trying to keep his arm still. “I know, I know.” Ena says, as she wipes up the floor and dries her brother's arm a bit.
Ena turns off the bath, when she sees the blood was all washed away. When she looks back to her brother, he is looking at his arm, a look of despair in his eyes. Ena sighs once again and reaches for the bandages and gauze. Ena places the gauze on his cuts and wraps his arm in the bandages. Once done, she looks up to her brother looking back at her. Without another thought, she wraps her arms around Akito's neck. Ena feels her brother's arms on her back and his dam breaks again.
He cries and cries and cries for what seems like hours, but couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, until Ena stands up with him, leading them to Akito's room. Once there, Akito and Ena sit on the bed, just basking in each other's company. After a little while, Ena speaks up. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Akito shakes his head and what did she expect? He was never the “talk about your feelings” type. But god forbid she won't be here for her little brother. “You should try to get some sleep.” Akito looks towards his pillows. “Do you want me to leave?” He snaps his head back at this and grabs Ena's arm.
“Please don't go.” Akito says into her shoulder. Ena's heart shatters. Seeing her brother who is almost always confident and determined, vulnerable and depressed makes her feel all sorts of things.
“I won't. I promise.”
Ena moves so that her back is against the headboard and pats the spot next to her. Akito follows suit and lays his head on her shoulder, still gripping her arm. They stay here, eyes closed, while Ena hums a small tune for Akito. When she stops, Akito speaks up.
“You won't leave me, right?” Akito's eyes are still closed and his voice is so soft that Ena thinks he is talking in his sleep. That doesn't matter, though, because Ena still answers him.
“I love you too much to even think about ever leaving you.” And they'll stay there in each others presence forever, if they need to.