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You watch them sometimes when they are too busy with each other to notice your staring. The way Marc's face grows soft whenever Layla smiles at him; the way Steven's eyes practically glow with adoration; the way even Jake seems to almost melt under her gaze. And then there is Layla with her dimples when she smiles and the love she shows without even saying a word.
They have all been through so much and still are so in love with each other. And there you are, wondering how the hell you have fallen between them, how you have managed to make them love you too. This polyamorous relationship still feels so new to you.
"You all right, love?"
Steven's words pull you out of your trance-like state. You blink a few times, probably looking a bit like a deer in the headlights. Your partners look at you with concern and it makes your stomach twist uncomfortably. With a sheepish smile you shake your head.
"I'm good. Just got lost in thought."
This isn't the first time your thoughts have drifted off while pondering your current relationship. You've never dated multiple people at once before so while you have been doing your research - also known as harassing Google for hours on end - it's still an ongoing process of navigating all of this. Layla, Marc, Steven and Jake have been in their tangle of a relationship for quite some time until you joined them. She had told you about her marriage to Marc, how she first met Steven and how later Jake revealed himself. It had been a struggle but ultimately worth it. You can see it in the way they move around each other - this deep and beautiful connection that they have cultivated.
And then there is you.
It's still difficult for you to grasp sometimes how these amazing, gorgeous people who are so perfectly in love with each other also want you in their lives. Not for any lack of self-worth; you like yourself just fine (most of the time, everyone has bad days after all). It's just that given all they had been through you feel guilty. Like you have somehow sidestepped all the difficult times and are now reaping the benefits of something you had no part in. They say three is a crowd so why add yourself to this equation if they could easily be just as happy on their own.
As the familiar feelings of guilt and self-doubt stir within you, you don't notice one of your partners approaching you until you feel a soft touch against your shoulder. You involuntarily twitch with surprise before your eyes focus on the man in front of you.
"Are you sure you're alright, cariño?"
Jake gently grasps your shoulders with both hands, his thumbs running soothing circles across your collarbone. You lean into it - craving the contact for one blissful moment in the hopes that his touch could ease away your worries.
His brows furrow as he looks at you with concern. Seeing him like this makes your stomach twist even tighter.
You hate making them worry about you. It's not enough that your partners are not only caring, good people, they also fight crime and jackals and evil deities on the side. A normal person would crumble under this amount of responsibility and danger and here you are adding to their worries.
Maybe you are just bad at hiding your feelings, maybe Jake is just that good at reading you but he just nods and pulls you into his arms.
"It's ok, mi amor. Whatever is on your mind we'll deal with it together. Do you want to talk about it?"
The solid weight of Jake's embrace grounds you. Whenever you are around any of your lovers you feel safe and protected. Especially with Jake. He has been the protector of their system since the beginning and now it feels like he has added you to the short list of people he would give his life for. In his arms you are safe from anything that could hurt you, from the outside or from inside your own head.
You hide your face in the crook of his neck and take slow, deep breaths. The scent of his cologne calms your senses. How the smell of a person can comfort you like this you might never understand. And in this moment you really don’t care.
You shake your head against his neck and mumble into his shirt that you'd rather not talk about it now. An affirmative grunt seems to end that conversation before you feel his hands slide down your backside. A short: "Hold on to me, baby" is all the warning you get before Marc lifts you up as you struggle to hold onto him.
Marc's way of comforting you is very different from his alters. While he is not too fond of talking about his feelings, his actions show how deep his feelings run. It’s the small acts of service done without any afterthought that make you feel his love every day. It’s little gestures like remembering what you like to drink in the morning after you wake up or just staying with you in silence when talking becomes exhausting and all you need is a comforting presence to recharge from the chaos that is life. There are no grand declarations of love under fireworks with Marc and you wouldn’t change that for the world.
He lays you down gently on the couch before turning to Layla.
"They're upset"
She looks up from the map she was reading - something for a new mission they'd told you - an eyebrow raised in concern.
Marc still hovers over you as if you could get shot any minute. His muscles feel tense under your hands where you are still holding onto him. Layla walks over to where you are laying down and motions you to sit up. When you follow her direction, she sits down next to you. As she pats her thighs a few times you get the hint and lay your head down on her lap. One hand gently pets your head as the other finds your free hand and intertwines her fingers with yours. You all but melt into her, her warmth enveloping you. You feel exhausted, mind spinning with anxious thoughts but her presence calms you like a soft blanket on a winter night.
Marc kneels down in front of the couch and links his hand with the one you still had on his shoulder. "They don't want to talk about it," he explains to Layla.
"Steven thinks talking about it would help," he turns to you, "I know I am not the best person to go to with stuff like this but. Do you want to talk about it with Steven? Or Layla?"
His voice sounds strained, like it takes effort getting each word out. He avoids looking into your eyes like it would physically hurt him. Layla leans down, pressing her lips on your forehead with a soft kiss.
"You don't have to talk, baby. But is this OK? Us cuddling? We can give you some space if you need it."
Layla sounds like she can't quite get the words out either. They both seem strained like they are holding something back. You nod, humming affirmatively before closing your eyes.
“This is good. Just this for now,” you mumble as you cuddle closer to Layla - short of crawling completely on top of her.
Before you even truly realize how exhausted your anxious mind has made you, you slowly drift off to sleep in your lover’s lap.
___________________________________________________________________________
Lately Layla’s dreams have been haunted by pictures of you leaving them for someone else, someone living a safe and normal life, someone without such a history of pain and sorrow. It had been hard enough to lose her father and later to see Marc die in that forsaken tomb. She couldn’t lose you too. But simply being with you puts a glowing target on your back. Maybe it’s hypocritical of her, given that Marc had probably felt similar when he gave her the divorce papers.
Her fingers play gently with your hair, short nails softly scratching over your scalp. She can hear your slow breathing as you rest. She would give everything to stay like this forever. And nothing and nobody would take you away from them as long as you would have them. She just needed to find the right words to tell you how she felt, how worried she is and be honest about her fears. You would understand, Layla is sure of that.
Layla looks over at Marc, who is still kneeling in front of the couch, holding your hand like it was made of glass. His gaze lingers on your sleeping form, unable to look away. It’s been hard for him to grasp how you can feel so safe around him to just fall asleep like that. How easily you trust him. He understands how you could feel that way around Steven. Steven is soft and warm and honest while he is not that. Or even Jake, that charming bastard. But here you are, sleeping like nothing could ever hurt you. Nothing better ever hurt you. He doesn’t know what he would do if something did. He can’t imagine how his life would be now without you and Layla by his side.
His hands around yours start shaking. How dangerous that thought is. Because one day you would realize that you could do better than him, that both you and Layla would be better off without him. He is not meant to have good things and good people around them. He only brings death to the people he loves. And he can’t do that to you. He can’t.
His jaw relaxes and his hands stop shaking as Steven takes the front. “That’s enough of that now”, he murmurs under his breath. He won’t have Marc’s self-deprecation. He knows Marc deserves love just like they all do. His thumb lovingly strokes the back of your palm as Steven watches you sleep. He worries too, that maybe he is too much sometimes. His rambling about Ancient Egypt and his general social awkwardness hadn’t really been things that had people drawn to him before. And yet Layla had seen and appreciated his honesty and you had been no different.
You were open and kind when you two had first officially met. When he tried to stop himself from continuing to talk about the creation myth of the Ancient Egyptians - which in retrospect was probably not the best topic to choose for a first meeting - you had encouraged him to keep going. Even if the topic wasn’t as fascinating to you as it was to him you hadn’t shown it. On the contrary you seemed delighted by his enthusiasm. You made it so easy to fall in love with you even if he hadn’t been half in love already watching you interact with Marc and Layla before.
He thinks that maybe that is why Marc was so afraid. Marc was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for those that he loves to leave or hurt him. Yet you love all of them so easily without wanting anything but being loved in return. And Steven was happy to give that love even if Marc struggled with it sometimes.
“They look so peaceful, don’t they, hermano? Nuestro ángel.”
Steven smiles at Jake’s comment.
“Yeah, they do. You want to. uh.”
Jake doesn’t wait for Steven to finish his question before switching to the front. He leans down and places a kiss to the back of your hand.
He still couldn’t believe how lucky they were to have you. He shares some of Marc’s concerns, especially when it comes to your safety. You trusted them so easily and he was afraid that that trust would come at a cost. But Jake would always keep you safe. Even if you someday left and broke their hearts he would still protect you from those that would hurt you. Feelings can change and maybe you’d really fall out of love with them some day but he would make sure to keep that day as far into the future as he could. To show you how much you are loved and cared for. To tell you every day how much you meant to them. To keep you by their side for as long as you want them to.
He turns your hand gently and places another kiss on the inside of your wrist, whispering words of love into your skin. The skin contact slowly tickles you awake and you blink owlishly at him.
“You woke them up, Casanova”, Layla admonishes him with a chuckle, “And they were sleeping so peacefully”. You turn your head slightly to look up at the woman under you. “How long was I-? Oh God did I fall asleep on your legs? Shit, sorry”. You scramble up still groggy from your short nap and sit up straight. Layla laughs and shakes her head. “No need to apologize, sweetheart. I was perfectly comfortable.”
Your other hand is still linked with Jake’s as he continues to pepper it with kisses, not holding back anymore now that you are awake. “Feeling better now, mi vida?”
It takes you a while for your sleepy mind to understand what he is referring to. A heavy sigh escapes you as you remember what prompted your little nap. You decide that it's better to talk to them now when everything is still fresh on your mind and you have your lovers close. You take Layla’s hand like you held it before when you laid in her lap. You give both of their hands a soft squeeze and take a deep breath.
“I do feel better, yes but there is something I need to talk to you about.”
You cringe as you see their faces fall. “That came out so bad. Ignore that. I just-” You shake your head as if it would help clear your head. “I worry sometimes. That I am not good enough. For you.”
Out of the corner of your eyes you see Layla leaning towards you, ready to interject. You give her hand another squeeze and shake your head. “Please, just let me say what I need to say first. Otherwise I am never going to get this out.”, you plead with a shaky voice. She bites her lip and nods, motioning you to continue.
“Your relationship has survived so much and when I watch you sometimes I feel like you would be better off if you didn’t have to care or worry about me too.”
You try to swallow the lump in your throat but your mouth has gotten so dry that it doesn’t do anything but hurt. Unable to look your partners in the eyes, your gaze drifts down to your lap and the hands you are holding.
“I love you. So damn much. But what if that’s not enough?”
You squeeze your eyes closed, trying to hold back the first tears that are threatening to escape. You feel arms around your shoulders, holding you close and fingers stroking your hands soothingly.
“We love you too, mi cielo. And that you love us is more than enough. It’s all that we need.”
You open your teary eyes to look at Jake. His gaze does not waver from you. You feel Layla’s soft lips on your cheek, driving away your tears. “We love you so much, sweetheart. I-”, her voice cracks and she too seems to be close to tears, “I worry that you don’t want us anymore. That someday you will find someone else that doesn’t put you in danger as we do.”
You look over at Layla, her dark eyes shining with unshed tears. It breaks your heart seeing her like this. You shake your head. “That won’t ever happen!”
“You don’t know that.”
The grip around your hand tightens, shaking fingers holding onto you like a lifeline. You look back at Marc, a look of torment on his face. “We love you. And we can’t lose you. I can’t-”, he takes a deep breath, steadying himself, “I can’t see you be hurt. And if you get hurt because of us? If you don’t want us anymore…” He trails off, eyes unfocused as he clings to you like a lifeline.
You lean down and grasp his face with both hands. “I could never not want you. I love you too much for that to happen. And whatever tries to hurt me - hurt us - we’ll get through that together.”
Marc’s gaze is locked to your eyes. Slowly he nods his head. His hands are still shaking a bit but he seems calmer, less frantic. You lean down further, your mouth catching his in a soft, loving kiss. “I love you. And I am safe.”, you whisper against his lips. His eyes close and he nods again, swallowing hard. “Yes”, he whispers back, his voice rough. You feel the weight on the couch shift as Layla leans forward to join you. Her lips find Marc’s in another kiss and you watch them as your heart swells with how much you love them. Layla whispers something you can’t hear to Marc and they both turn to you. You reach out and stroke Layla’s cheek lovingly before leaning in to kiss her too.
“And I love you too. I can’t imagine anyone I could love more than you or Marc or Steven or Jake. I love all of you.”