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Fushi, an immortal being. Its existence is nothing less than cruel. Rebirth without death, over and over, retaining every memory and experience in that body, and another body, and another body. Countless bodies. Fushi is everything and nothing at once. The sun and the moon, the earth and the stars. Everything Fushi touches they become. If he longs for the moon, he can become it. Hang himself there in the sky. Nothing is impossible, and yet, he is so lonely.
I'm still taken by what goes on inside my head. That world that feels so much more vivid and wonderful. This is not the first time this happens, where I miss my feeling for Fushi for not being people I can touch. Intangible things are hard to have faith in. Whatever one person believes is not that strong. But if many people can believe in it, it becomes more real. I wish more people believed in my love. Then I wouldn't feel so lonely. It doesn't make them any less real if only I believe, but it just feels like I can't alive alone in this world with just my beliefs. Why is it like that? Why can no man be its own island. Why do we need each other to live?
Fushi.
I love you… You remind me of myself. Somehow. You make me feel like I am everything all at once too, and yet… I cannot escape the prison of this heavy body. For a moment I understand the enemy’s desire for death and destruction, because who would want to have the burden of this heavy heart? The knockers, all they want is to free us all. And yet… why must we deal with it at all? Why must I share my life with a parasite? The age old saying that life is suffering, while true, does nothing to quell my aching wounds.
When I met Fushi, it was only out of duty that I felt affection towards him. There was a sense of nostalgia associated with him that only members of my clan knew. I didn’t want to have the same feelings for Fushi that they all did, years before, since Hayase claimed Immo for herself. I wanted to know Fushi for who he was, not what he represented.
With this goal in mind, I began to fall in love with him. It came creeping in, disguised as attraction for his female form at first, someone whose body, I quickly learned, had been killed by the hands of my ancestor. This took me aback for a short while, ashamed, before the insatiable curiosity got my heart going again. It’s unlike the fake love felt by other members of my kin. I began to feel a love I didn’t think was possible, not out of duty, but because I truly knew him as a kindhearted human. He was good as a human, and an animal, and even the roots that grew from his branches. Fushi is perfect.
I understand now that even if my life is cut short, I and everything else in existence will live on inside Fushi, because Fushi is everything all at once. They contain a part of all that has and will ever be. That is what I believe.
When my time here is over, I will remember my purpose on this earth and be thankful I was able to fulfill it. I am thankful. I am thankful I was able to protect Fushi for as long as I am able. As the trees grow dark in the night and obscure my light from the world, I will be grateful because I know I will always be remembered. Even if Fushi one day loses my vessel, a part of me will always be with him.
Finally, I am free.
As the flames grow higher, I look up to the sky above me… and smile.
In another realm of the world, a splash quite unnoticed to Fushi’s dormant self.
Amidst the pool of darkness around him, his eyes closed, and roots expanding across every corner of the world, a familiar feeling overwhelms him. His head tilted back and mouth open, nothing comes out as the new vessel pours into his senses.
Kahaku.