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The thing about the holiday season is that you’d get reunions left and right, and Josh absolutely abhors those things. It’s not that he doesn’t like his friends from school or his relatives (well, not all of them); he just finds reminiscing about “the good old times” tedious and ultimately tiring. And it’s not that Josh hated remembering the past either. In fact, he’s actually the type who rarely forgets.
But he had to go this time. Year after year, he would find an excuse to skip their annual high school barkada’s Christmas party, but he felt that he needed to go this year. Why? His best friend, Stell, will be transferred to the US office of the company he is working for. It was also the promotion that he had been working on for a couple of years so not only was the gathering a Christmas dinner, it was also a celebration and despedida for his dearest friend. Really, he had to be there.
“Hey, Josh. I’m so grateful you could be here. I know medyo napilitan ka ,” Stell told his friend while laughing.
“Oo, gago . But anything for you, man. I know you’d be busy seeing everyone else until it’s really time for you to leave. One month na lang, diba?” Josh replied after downing his glass of whiskey.
“Oi, easy-han mo yung paginom mo,” Stell scolded his friend then started chuckling. “ At huwag ka malungkot dahil lang iiwan na kita,” he added.
Josh was feeling sad over Stell leaving of course. They’ve been friends since they were kids after all. But at that moment, something—well, someone else was filling him with dread.
“You know I need to be a little drunk for these things since I know he’d be here,” Josh told Stell in a more hushed voice.
You could hear the regret in Stell’s voice. Reluctantly, he said, “Sorry about that. I know he’s your ex…”
“And he’s also one of your best friends; I get that. Don’t worry,” Josh assured him. “I’m just glad we’re doing this at a restobar. At least I could ready myself with a couple of shots of whiskey.”
“Taena mo kase, Josh. Alam mo kase dapat na walang taluhan ng tropa eh,” Stell reminded him in a joking manner.
Josh forced a laugh. He knew. Really, he knew that getting into a romantic relationship with a friend is always risky and that so much is always at stake. He knew but they still went for it.
“I wonder if he’s on his way,” he thought. He was feeling anxious about meeting him again, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t actually want to get a glimpse of his former lover. And again, fear started to bubble in his gut for some reason.
And just like in a 90s sitcom, Josh’s ex walked in.
“Ay yawa!” Josh cursed under his breath.
Stell snorted a laugh and told him, “Napapamura na siya sa Bisaya oh! Iba talaga epekto ni Ken sa’yo!”
“Manahimik ka, Ajero!” Josh almost laughed as well.
It was true though. Ken really did have a huge effect on Josh, and maybe he still does, which is why Josh had been avoiding going to these high school reunions for years. Curious he may be, he was still too damn scared to find out if Ken could still make him feel things: good things and the most horrible things too like jealousy, shallow contempt, greed and self-loathing.
“JOSH! ANDIYAN NA EX MO !” Paulo chimed in as he tried to dodge a bunch of people to get to where his friends were.
Ken, who was still at the other side of the room, started looking around and seemed to have turned towards the direction of Paulo’s voice.
“Gago ka, Pau. Ang lakas ng boses mo! ” Josh whispered as he pulled the said friend towards them and away from Ken’s view.
“Pre, is my voice too loud?” Pau tried to whisper this time.
“Uhm he just said that?” Stell answered in Josh’s behalf.
Then Josh suddenly squealed as he stepped back, positioning himself so that it’d be easier for him to disappear in any given moment.
“Josh, what are you doing?” his best friend asked him.
Josh wanted to hide. “Gagi, papalapit na siya!”
“Josh?” a familiar, low, husky voice called out to him. The same low, husky, warm and buttery voice instantly made Josh freeze.
“Wala ka nang takas ngayon, boy!” Stell told him with the evilest expression on his face.
Josh scowled. Paulo patted his shoulder to comfort him just a bit.
A guy with red hair and in a suit then approached the three of them.
“Miss ko kayo, mga dre ,” Ken told them with lips split into the widest grin. He looked like he really meant what he said. He even looked at Josh with an unexpected fondness that Josh felt compelled to smile back. Or at least he tried. Soon after, however, he found himself staring at the partying crowd or at his feet, anything to avoid making eye contact.
“I see that you also came from work,” Stell told the newcomer. “Is work still busy?”
“Yeah. The holiday season is also our busiest season,” Ken sighed. He looked around and observed the crowd as well. “These aren’t all your guests, right?”
“Nahhh, it’s just us as usual. We actually have a private room reserved. Anton, Migs and Biboy are already there,” Stell replied.
“Then what are you, guys, doing here at the bar?” Ken asked, a bit confused.
“We’re waiting for you, guys, of course.” Paulo answered this time.
“Weeeeh?!” Ken looked at Paulo with suspicion then he looked at Josh who was quietly sipping his new drink.
“You waited for me?” he asked his former lover without an ounce of shame.
The implications of his question almost made Josh choke on his drink. “No way,” he said too quickly. “I’m just here for the alcohol.”
Stell rolled his eyes at his bestest friend.
“We really were waiting for you,” Pau told Ken cheerfully, ignoring the two who were obviously having a non-verbal argument by then.
“Well, just me and Paulo. Josh was already moping here when I decided to check if you and Justin have arrived. Paulo followed probably because he couldn't keep still,” Stell explained after a while as Pau nodded in agreement.
A tiny frown appeared on Ken’s lips. Still pouting though, he asked them, “Is Justin already here? Am I the only one left?”
“We’re still waiting for Justin actually, so you can go ahead with Pau to our private dining room,” Stell said, half instructing them to do so.
Ken nodded slowly.
Paulo then turned to their friend who just ordered his drink. “Tara na, Josh?” he said.
Josh attempted to answer, “nah, I’ll also wait for Just—“
“Justin! Finally!” Stell yelled, waving both hands above his head to make it easier for the tall but awkward guy at the doorway to spot them.
“Hey, gais! I missed you all so much,” he told them shyly when Justin had reached them at the bar. “And Josh made it!” He said gleefully while hugging the guy’s shoulder.
“As if we don’t see each other every now and then,” Josh blurted out.
“Oh? You guys meet up? With Justin? As in Mr. President who’s-always-in-a-different-country De Dios?” Paulo said in disbelief. “And I don’t want to talk about how unsociable you are these days, Mr. Josh Cullen Santos.”
“Luh. I do meet with people sometimes. Stell said you’re actually the busiest out of all of us, Pau,” Josh retaliated.
“You meet with Stell too?” Paulo asked, sounding like he was just betrayed by his closest friends.
“Well, our offices are just a few minutes away from each other,” Josh defended himself.
Ken awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. He felt out of place; he couldn’t deny that, and he didn’t quite expect that because he thought that Josh has generally been MIA since the day they broke up. He then realized that Josh just didn’t talk to him much. That was something he should have expected though.
Noticing Ken’s reaction, however, Stell immediately jumped in the conversation. He stared at Paulo and started berating him:
“Pau, you’re really the hardest to invite. Sometimes Ken and I would hang out. Sometimes Jah, Josh and I would have lunch since we work in the same area. Ikaw talaga ang pinakamahirap haligalapin so I don’t think you have the right to feel betrayed!”
“I…” Pau started to fumble for words.
“ Ikaw pala problema eh,” Josh cheekily told him.
“I… I can’t just leave the studio. Once I begin writing something, I can’t stop. I feel that if I leave, I’d lose my momentum,” their cornered friend explained.
“There, there,” Stell pretended to comfort him.
“Anyway, since we’re all here, should we head back to our meal?” Stell interrupted their mini catch-up.
“I’ll follow. I just ordered another drink so I’ll just wait for it and head back in there on my own,” Josh replied.
But just when he was going to show them his back, Ken told him, “Josh, halika na. Just tell the bartender that you’ll have your drink at our table, and come with us.”
Josh wanted to say something to turn him down, but his mouth seemed to have jammed itself shut.
“Sir…” the bartender called his waiting customer.
Once again, right on cue, Josh got what he was looking for.
The group started walking back to their other friends. Anton, Migs and Biboy had actually started on the appetizers. Despite that, Josh still wanted to dilly dally. He wanted to keep a comfortable distance from the group. He wanted to keep distance from his ex. But Ken kept looking back at him, making sure he was still close by.
“Stop looking back. Just keep moving forward,” Josh said in his head, something he had actually been telling himself all evening.
Ken turned his way once more and gave him the most beaconing grin.
“Seems like my past is the one who keeps looking back at me instead,” Josh muttered “Fuck.”
Josh walked a little bit faster.
They were met with boisterous cheers the moment they had entered a warmly lit private room.
“We can finally eat!” the burly guy at the far end of the table yelled happily. He immediately got up and nearly dragged Josh and Pau inside and proceeded to assign everyone their seats.
Apart from Josh, Stell, Ken, Pau and Justin, they had three other friends from the same all-boys high school. They, along with Pau, are the main reason why they would have this annual gathering. Though they do keep in touch through their FB group chat, Migs and Anton already have their own families. Biboy, the quietest of the whole barkada, had moved to Bicol and could only see them during these reunions.
Finally, more food started entering the room. All sorts cooked meat lined the center of their long table. Another round of side dishes were also brought out.
Halfway through their meal, Anton, their friend with the stocky build, started teasing Justin.
“Since Mr. De Dios is here… Is this gettogether your treat?” he said while opening a bottle of beer for himself.
“This doubles as Stell’s despedida, so I think Stell should be the one paying for our meal,” a more comfortable Justin half-jokingly said.
“HA! I’m the only one who should be eating free here,” Stell began arguing.
“Ah but si Justin pinaka mayaman sa atin, and we don’t see him often so I think he should pay,” Anton passed the responsibility back to the young company president.
“You’re just stingy,” Justin spat his words.
“But I have two kids,” Anton said while pretending to cry.
“Ah! Ask Ken!” Justin had begun talking a bit louder, feeling the few cocktails he had consumed.
And at the mention of Ken’s name, Josh stopped eating and stared at the man who was seated the farthest from him.
Justin continued, “He just started his own company so he’s CEO now.” He looked at Ken mischievously.
While all that was happening, Ken was silently struggling to pick up a piece of garlic with his chopsticks in the corner.
The whole table then focussed their attention on him.
“Uhm…” Ken said as he put his utensils down, ultimately giving up on his garlic. “It’s still pretty new so we’re still not earning a lot.”
“Owwww takas!” Anton said.
Ken just laughed. He then noticed Josh giggling too.
“Oh, why did you stop laughing? In fairness, you really made it, man. You should be proud of your self. I’m so proud of you. We’ve always known you’ll really make a name for yourself, Ken,” Anton told him in a more serious tone.
Between feeling shy about being complimented for his achievement and feeling elated yet conscious about having Josh’s attention, Ken didn’t know what to say.
“Yeah, buddy. You’re pretty lowkey, but we could all see how hard you work,” Pau added.
Everyone, including Josh, nodded and expressed their agreement.
“And even though you went through a rough patch back in college, you still achieved the goals you set for yourself,” Pau went on. “That was pretty cool of you.”
Ken grinned silently, feeling a bit touched.
“Oi, actually, when Josh broke up with him, he actually became more focussed!” their friend, Migz, said.
“Gagi, that’s not what Pau was referring to,” Justin said while slapping him on the back. He sat between Justin and Stell, by the way, which was unfortunate of him.
“Aray!” Migs complained.
“Buti nga sa’yo ,” Anton jeered.
“Oo nga!” Josh finally spoke, silencing everyone. “First of all, Ken and I broke up after college, not while we were in school. I have to admit though, our relationship was burdening him further, which is why we broke. I was holding him back.”
Everyone fell silent.
“No you weren’t,” Ken hastily said. “And it wasn’t your fault that my parents—“
“I was holding you back, too. You know that. But they’re right. You did end up being able to focus better after we split up, and look at you now,” Josh told him with a wry smile on his face.
Ken nodded slowly, begrudgingly.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t very good at handling my own problems back then, and I couldn’t give you the love and attention you deserved,” Ken said in a hushed voice.
“Well, I was still a brat.” Josh said with his grin getting wider. “I wasn’t very good at handling things with you and my emotions too, and I’m sorry about that too.”
“I’ve forgotten all that years ago to be honest,” Ken told him with confidence.
Josh let out a relieved sigh. Having that confrontation over dinner and in front of his friends was more than strange, but he was a tad bit happy he got to say most of the things he wanting to let out for years. He was lucky he said it in front of the people who know them best. He was lucky that things seemed okay. They’re okay.
“Wow! Yieee! They finally made up and you totally didn’t ruin my dinner!” Stell cheered still with a sprinkle of sarcasm in his tone.
“But that’s great because after I leave, Josh might get a bit too lonely,” he then added.
Josh didn’t notice, but he was also saying this to Ken who, in turn, looked at Stell knowingly.
“That’s not true,” Josh began to argue. “I have a feeling you’d end up calling me everyday just so you can bash your new office mates. And you’re the one who gets lonely pretty quickly.”
“Uhhm when I find an American girlfriend or a boyfriend, I swear to god I’d cut ties with you,” his closest friend returned the verbal jab.
“HALA SIYA! ” Paulo exclaimed, making Stell and Josh pause.
“Someone seems to be protesting.” Justin’s so-called whisper was, of course, plenty audible for everyone to hear.
Stell let out a fake cough.
“Anyway…” Stell spoke even louder as an attempt to change the topic. “I nominate Attorney Josh Cullen Santos to pay for dinner instead. I mean he ghosted us for… what? Five years? He’s a lawyer to a couple of millionaire-capitalists; I’m sure he has money.”
“That’s not true! I…” Josh tried to resist, but he caved in eventually.
Just when they were finishing up their meal, Stell stood up to get everyone’s attention.
“Guys, can we take a picture before Justin leaves? May curfew kase siya eh,” Stell asked his friends, urging everyone to stand up.
“I don’t have a curfew. I just have work tomorrow,” Justin defended himself half-heartedly.
“Tatayo? I’m too lazy to stand up,” Josh then complained.
“Our table’s a mess now; I want a nice photo I can hang in my American office.” Stell said which prompted everyone else to stand up.
“Are you feeling woozy? Can you stand up?” Ken whispered to Josh with genuine concern.
Josh nodded and helped himself up, stumbling not because he was drunk but because he was nervous about Ken being suddenly too close.
They all stood in a row in front of a member of the restobar’s staff who was asked to take the photograph. Josh, funny enough, found himself standing beside Ken.
While waiting for the camera to click, he then felt Ken’s hand rest on his shoulder. Caught off-guard, Josh instantly turned his head to look at his ex.
“Sorry, Ga ,” Ken removed his hand in a snap. “I guess I’m still used to doing that, that’s all.”
It was as if alcohol crawled under Josh’s skin and surged to his cheeks. “It’s fine. It’s just a photo,” he said, trying to be cool about it.
Although hesitant at first, Ken’s hand soon found its way back to where it was.
“Ready?” the server asked.
Everyone smiled and then the time stopped.
End