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Gina was laughing at Ricky's story about work. He'd just started his very first full time job after he'd finished his associates degree, working rotating shifts as a medical assistant at the hospital. He didn't love it, but he liked helping people, and Mike pushed him to study something practical. Ricky liked that it was shift work work that still gave him time to work on his music, plus the fact that he said wearing scrubs was kinda like getting to go to work in pajamas. Gina liked that it wasn't something stuffy and 9 to 5, which would soften the transition of Ricky in "the real world" while she still had three more years of school to get through.
They'd been together for just about that long now, three years. And Gina was happy. She'd even decided to go to the University of Utah to stay close to him. They had a great dance program, so it really wasn't a sacrifice or anything. Sure, she'd initially thought maybe LA would be where she landed, or New York. But it didn't have to be for college, they could get there eventually.
She hoped, anyway.
But none of that mattered right now, not while they were sitting at Slices like always, and she was listening to Ricky talk about one of his patients that day. This was light and fun and easy, like it always was. Very little changed between her and Ricky over the years, and Gina was content to stick to the status quo for now, waiting a little longer for real life to begin.
"But hey, I got my first official grown up paycheck today, so that's pretty cool."
"Ooh, that's exciting. One step closer to moving into your own place!" Ricky had been living at home with his dad while he finished school, and both he and Gina were excited about the prospect of him getting his own apartment, especially in case Gina's mom got relocated out of Salt Lake again, so Gina would have a place to stay in town when the dorms at UU closed.
"Oh, yeah, except I kinda don't have much to save from this one…I did something special with it."
"Ricky, did you buy more video games?" she asked with not a little bit of exasperation. She loved him, but he wasn't always the best with money. Growing up with a single mom, Gina was financially responsible, almost to a fault, so Ricky's habit of spending on video games or pizza or skate gear as soon as he had some was always something that she didn't understand.
But being too similar is a bad thing, right? It meant they could balance each other out.
“No, no video games this time, I had… something else that I wanted to get.” Gina thought he seemed a little nervous, and she couldn’t imagine what could be so ridiculous that he’d blown his money on this time that he was actually afraid to admit it to her.
He reached into his pocket, fumbling a bit as he slid out of the booth. It was only when he was moving over next to her that she noticed the small black velvet box in his hand.
Gina couldn’t breathe as Ricky moved to get down on one knee. He opened the box to reveal a small diamond, set into a silver band. It was simple and clean, very much her taste and style. Ricky obviously knew her well.
“Gina, I’m taking a big step right now into the world, figuring out how to do life as like, an adult. And even though I know you’re still in school, and we don’t have to do it right away, I want to be able to know that even as everything else changes, nothing’s going to change for us. It’s going to stay you and me. So it seems like just the right time to ask, will you marry me?”
She looked into his eyes, so sweet and sincere. She saw the Ricky she’d fallen in love with at 16, the earnest boy who wore his heart on his sleeve, who more than anything wanted to feel safe and secure and loved. Who was giving her the chance to be that for him, forever. To have something finally stay, the way nothing had for her before.
And only one word rose to her lips.
“No.”
Ricky looked shocked. “Wait… what?”
Gina was surprised herself. She hadn’t even had time to think, to process, before it just came out of her mouth.
But she knew it was the truth. She couldn’t marry Ricky.
As they both just sat there silently, Gina’s mind flashed through what a future with Ricky would look like. Even with his big music dreams, she was pretty sure he’d never figure out how to get out of Salt Lake permanently. In the aftermath of the documentary, when they were getting all kinds of opportunities, Gina turned them down because she was too young and her mom couldn’t just drop everything and support an acting career. Ricky turned them down because he… didn’t want them. He wanted something quieter, back here.
And really, he could record music anywhere. He didn’t need LA or New York like Gina did, places where dancers could actually make a living. And she could see the next three years wearing her down, as Ricky got more settled in “real life,” more attached to keeping things the way they were. She’d get a job herself, promise that she’d keep dancing and looking for her break, maybe teaching or judging competitions. But they’d never make it to LA, never build a life beyond here.
And Gina needed more than that.
And in that moment, when he was trying so desperately to keep things the same, Gina knew Ricky was never going to be able to get there with her.
“Ricky, I… I can’t.”
“I know we’re still young, but I’m going to be 21 soon, and we’ve already been together for so long, and I mean, this is Utah, lots of people get married before they graduate college, and we don’t even have to do that, we can wait until you’re done school and…”
“It’s not that,” she said, cutting off his nervous ramble. “I mean, yeah, 19 is way too young to get married, I’m definitely not ready.”
“Hey, we don’t have to call it an engagement yet, I just need to know…”
“And I can’t give you that,” Gina said, staring down at the floor. “I’m not… I can’t stay here in Salt Lake forever.”
“We can still move, LA or whatever, once you’re done with school.”
Gina shook her head. “I don’t just mean physically, I mean… here, in this place. Where things are safe and comfortable… I can’t GROW this way, Ricky. I can’t… with you…”
Ricky looked like she’d just slapped him. “Gina, I thought all you wanted was home, stability… no maybes…”
“That’s what Gina three years ago wanted, what I NEEDED. But now? I… I can’t promise you forever, Ricky. I’m so sorry.”
And with that, she got up and rushed out of Slices, past a confused looking Big Red who was holding a slice of cake, clearly meant to be a celebration of her saying yes. She was also pretty sure she saw Mike Bowen in a booth across the restaurant, undoubtedly there to celebrate with them when she said yes. Not only had she broken his heart, she’d embarrassed him, too.
Hot tears sprang to her eyes, but she brushed them aside. She quickly got into her car, grateful Ricky had come straight from work so they arrived separately and she had an escape route. She went into autopilot, not really paying attention to where she was going.
She was sort of shocked when instead of landing in front of her mom’s home, she realized she’d driven herself to Ashyln’s.
Ashlyn had recently returned home from her own freshman year at Mount Holyoke, opting for an East Coast women’s college experience, so Gina knew she was in town. Deciding that maybe she’d gotten herself here for a reason, she walked up to the door and before she could second guess it, rang the bell.
The door flung open to reveal Ashlyn, looking both elated and confused all at once.
“Gina! What are you doing here?”
“Hey, Ash, welcome home!” she said with a layer of faux cheer.
“Gina, are you… are you crying? What’s going on?”
Gina sighed and nodded. “I’m sorry to just show up like this, but… it’s kinda been a night. Can I… can I come in?”
“Of course,” Ashlyn said, and she ushered Gina into the living room. She settled down onto the couch while Ashlyn went to the kitchen. She came back with a couple root beers and some candy that Ashlyn always had on hand for movies. Even as in her feelings like she was at the moment, Gina had to smile at how Ashlyn was always taking care of her friends, especially her.
“Ok, so… tell me what happened,” Ashlyn said, plopping down on the couch next to Gina.
“Ricky… he… he proposed, Ashlyn. In the middle of Slices.”
Ashlyn looked shocked. “He did… I’m sorry, what?” She seemed to recover quickly, though. “You seem upset, so I’m guessing, I mean, that you didn’t..”
Gina shook her head vigorously. “I said no, Ash. And I can’t kinda believe that I did that. I LOVE him, I don’t want to… but I can’t, not right now.”
Ashlyn nodded sympathetically. “I hear that.” Gina felt a flash of guilt for dropping this on Ashlyn, knowing it hit close to home with her own breakup with Big Red when she decided not to do long distance, despite him really feeling like Ash was it for him. They’d left it a little open ended, a break and not a permanent breakup, but so many of the same issues were in play. “I mean, we’re only 19!”
“So I’m not out of line for thinking it was a complete INSANE move? Even if we’ve been together that long?’
“Of course not! Like, yeah, three years is a long time, but it’s sort of nothing compared to forever.”
“Honestly? I’m a little surprised that he even WANTS to get married. Like, we haven’t talked about it at all, so I just assumed after everything with his parents, that it was like, not even on his radar. But i guess it makes sense when he wants so much for things to stay exactly the same, you know? Change has never been his strong suit.”
"And I know stability is a huge part of the appeal for you two, right? He’s afraid of change, you needed to have something sure."
Gina nodded. They did support each other in so many ways. But maybe in other ways, they were also actually holding each other back. Was choosing UU a mistake? Had her desire to hold onto what they had just a little longer kept her from where she needed to be?
“I did, but… I don’t think I do anymore. I’m not that girl anymore, Ash, or I don’t know that I want to be. I can’t get sucked into this life here that's comfortable and safe, but not what I really want. I can’t… I don’t want to settle.” As the words came out of her mouth, her heart hurt, because of the truth in them. She loved Ricky so much, HE wouldn't be settling. But the life they would have? That would be settling. And maybe Ricky forcing her hand to admit that wasn’t the disaster she thought it was.
“So where did you leave it? Are you, like… broken up?”
Gina shrugged. “I didn’t say as much, but like… I just refused his proposal because I don’t see our future together. That’s pretty much the end, right?”
“Maybe not, if you guys can both agree it was just too soon to decide, could you sit with that uncertainty?”
“Ricky doesn’t do great with uncertainty… and honestly, neither do I,” Gina said. “And I guess I mean… I’m not uncertain. Maybe for another few years, while I finish school, we could keep going and be happy. But in the end? I don’t think this is it for me, or he's it for me. And I’m SO surprised I feel that way. I don’t WANT to feel that way. But… I do.”
“And you absolutely shouldn’t feel bad about it. Seriously.”
“Thanks, Ash. I hate how much this has to have hurt him, though. It’s gotta feel like it came outta nowhere, because we were so happy right up until…this.”
“But maybe it’ll be for the best?”
Gina sighed. It hurt a lot right now, but she knew on some level that Ashlyn was right. And there was a certain lightness that settled over her a bit.
“It will be, yeah… maybe this is the time for me to take my chance, you know? If I’m not tied to Utah because of Ricky, if my mom is going to maybe move at a moment’s notice… maybe it means it’s time for me to go for it, move to LA like we’d planned eventually and just… make it happen.”
“Wow, really? You’re just going to… go for it?”
“Maybe? I’ve gotta talk to my mom, obviously, but I mean.. I’m not 16 anymore like I was after the doc came out, right? I’m 19, and I can maybe start to make my own way.”
Ashlyn nodded encouragingly. “I know you’ve already got what it takes to be so independent, but I can’t tell you how much I’ve grown from being away from here for the last year. And I just KNOW you’d absolutely kill it.”
“Thanks, Ash,” she said with a smile. “You are literally the one person who always makes me feel better, you know that?” she smiled, reaching out to squeeze her hand.
“No matter what, you are my sister, Gina. Just promise you won’t forget me when you’re a big star.”
“Never! I mean, Nini still reaches out, right? And she’s a big deal now.”
“Because of you! You’re the one who connected her with Jamie, and look at her now! Two hit albums in 3 years?”
“I actually should call Jamie, maybe I can stay with him for a bit once I get out there. It’d be nice to spend more time with him.”
“You feeling a little better, then?”
“Remember when Miss Jenn said sometimes things have to end for something even better to come?” Ashlyn nodded. “I think… I think this is one of those times.”
Ashlyn just smiled. “I know it will be.”
Part of Gina still felt immensely guilty about leaving Ricky behind in the pizza shop, and she knew they’d have to have a real conversation about this. Three years was a long time to just walk away. But rather than get stuck in the hurt of losing something, she was determined to move forward. She’d sort of lost count of the number of times she’d had to reinvent herself at this point, but this version of Gina, she was determined would be the best yet.