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Come stop your crying, it'll be alright. Just take my hand and hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you, I will be here, don't you cry.
He squeezed Dream's hand as he took a seat at the front row of the church. He shook the officiant’s hand as he watched the other guests walk in.
He couldn't remember the funeral, he wasn't emotionally available to make a speech. He just remembered the officiant pausing as the opening chords of Remember Me from Coco started playing.
He let out a small sob when the lyrics started.
Remember me, though I have to say goodbye.
He continued to silently cry as Dream held his hand on his left and his mum cried on his right.
Know that I am with you, the only way I can be, until I'm in your arms again, Remember me.
When the end of the funeral arrived, he watched as people got up to say their goodbyes. He sat for ten minutes when Dream squeezed his hand.
"Hey, do you wanna go say goodbye?" He whispered.
George shook his head. "It'll make it final."
"Okay, we can just leave if you want? We don't have to attend the wake after. We can go home and get some sleep." Dream smiled sadly. "No one will be mad."
"I want to be alone for a while." George whispered.
"I don't think I can trust you to be alone."
George sniffled. “I don’t think so either.”
He left the room and walked to the car park where he was met by his family. They were split in two, either whispering about him or coming up to tell him that they were always there, whatever he needed, and all the other generic crap.
He appreciated the sentiment but he couldn’t cope.
Dream and Sapnap had accompanied him to the funeral, alongside Wilbur, who had been a common visitor in Ellie’s life in the UK, and Tina, a strong female influence in Ellie’s life since there wasn’t a mother or sister for her to look to. Their friends were aware of the passing, a quick discord message from Dream informing them that George would be unavailable for a while.
Wilbur had come up to him after the funeral, patting his shoulder and pulling him in for a hug. If George had been in the right mental state, he may have pulled away and cursed Wilbur out but instead he hugged back, wrapping his arms tightly around the taller Brit, the only support system he had before he moved to the UK.
Once they pulled apart, Wilbur said his goodbyes, reciting the same message George had heard one too many times before getting in his Uber and going to his hotel.
Tina come up to him next, kissing his cheek as they hugged. She stroked his cheek as she cried silently before taking a deep breath and whispering, “She was blessed to have such an amazing dad. And she talked about how cool you were every day.”
George let out a wet laugh.
“I don’t think she realised the fame or anything, I think she just liked having a dad that cared so deeply. You did amazing George. Don’t blame yourself.”
George smiled but scoffed in his mind. How could he not blame himself? If he had noticed sooner, if he got her checked more regularly, if he would have-
“Hey, let’s go home.” Sapnap whispered softly.
Dream suggested they make an announcement. George just nodded tiredly, telling Dream just to post whatever, even granting permission to use a photo.
dreamsecretclub tweeted: George is taking a break because last month his beautiful daughter Ellie passed away a month ago after an accident. She had a small funeral surrounded by friends and family
-> I can't tell you the pain we're all feeling at the moment. I don't know when or if George will be back to streaming because before anything else, he was a father. Please do not pressure George about him returning. He won't be on social media as he grieves.
-> He has given me permission to share this photo of the two of them so you can see what an amazing girl she was. She was funny, social, and so smiley. She was bright and cared so deeply, a trait she got from her dad. She was five years old when she passed.
[The photo is a picture of Ellie wrapped in George’s arms as he kisses her cheek. She’s squirming away from him, mouth wide with a grin, grip tight on her Winnie The Pooh teddy bear. The five year old looked smaller than other 5 year olds and she has a small yellow headband pushing back her curly brown locks but she has the biggest smile on her face.]
Almost immediately George was trending as was Ellie, their close friends messaging George to show support, not getting a response but still showing their love. The comments were full of love and support for George, shocked he had a daughter in the first place.
Dream told George about the love people were sending him but George had quickly snapped, “It’s not gonna bring her back is it. Because she's a dead Dream. My baby is dead!” And he immediately kneeled over and sobbed until he threw up. Dream stroked his back as Sapnap cleaned up the mess, George apologising through sobs and hiccups as Dream soothed him.
A month had passed, three since the passing, and George couldn’t cope. He wasn’t eating, he would go a day without any sleep and then the next he would sleep for 15 hours. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically but he knew he would have to pull himself together and acknowledge her room. Even thinking of all the toys made him feel physically sick.
He was sure there was a layer of dust on them all as well. The once beloved toys, sitting untouched for two months. He couldn’t even grasp the fact that Ellie would never play them again.
The next day, he ate a small bowl of cereal and made his way to the room. He sat in silence. The room was never silent. Ellie’s giggles or babbles usually filled the day and even as night fell and her babbles turned to soft breaths, the Xylophone version of ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’ played on repeat until she woke up. The room wasn’t supposed to be quiet.
It was unnerving.
He didn’t feel safe.
“George?” Dream said softly. “You’re up.”
“I need to go through it all.” George sniffed, wiping a hand over his face.
“You don’t-”
“If I don’t now then I never will.” George interrupted and silence engulfed the two of them. “Could you-?”
“Hm?”
“Could you sit with me?” George asked quietly. “You don’t have to say or do anything?”
“Of course.” Dream nodded, moving further into the room.“Sapnap is coming with some water bottles. Do you want him to stay?”
“Please.” George’s voice cracked.
Once Sapnap came in, water and two boxes in tow, George took another five minutes before starting. He decided to start with the toys, grabbing them off the shelves before putting them in the donate or keep boxes.
It was hard. He remembered when she got every toy. Every birthday or Christmas, even though she didn’t have many of them, she had been loved and gifted enough for hundreds of years.
He touched every toy, small memories of when she would have played with them coming into mind. Each giggle and voice she gave them, each scenario George didn’t play correctly. His chest burned with the knowledge that he took every playtime for granted. He was never going to see the joy on her face when they played dress up or dolls.
He put the toys into the donation box, unable to look at them.
He stopped at the Winnie The Pooh bear.
He stared at it before letting out a stuttering breath. George grabbed the small stuffed bear and pulled it to his chest. “No one prepares you for how to be a parent when you don’t have a kid anymore.”
"George-"
"It's not fair." George whimpered. "They never prepare you for the pain. The fact that they might die before you-" He sobbed. “There’s a moment, every morning when I wake up I forget, and I think maybe it was a nightmare and I’m gonna wake up and pick her up and we’ll make breakfast. But I remember, and it’s this - this pain burns my chest, and it hurts so fucking bad. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe. How do I live like this? I don’t think I can.”
Dream and Sapnap both cried quietly as George finally spilled his emotions onto the floor. Dream moved first, wrapping his arms around George and kissing his head. Sapnap joined soon after, his hands shaking as he squeezed George tightly.
“You’re gonna get through this.” Dream whispered. “You have got this.”
“They gave people that lost their husbands and wives a name - widow, widower - but there isn’t a name for someone who loses their child. Because it’s so unlikely that no one thought that it could ever happen.” George sniffed, wiping away his tears. “It happened to me. It’s so selfish but -”
“No, I’m sorry to interrupt but don’t you dare call yourself selfish. That’s the biggest lie I’ve heard.” Dream scolded.
“I won’t get through this.” George whispered. “I don’t think I’m getting through this one.” George sobbed. Dream let out a shaky breath and engulfed his friend quickly.
“You’ve got this. It’s so tough but we’re here for you, forever. I’m so sorry and nothing I do will ever help you. But, God, I’ll give you everything I need. I love you so much and I will never leave you.”
Sapnap joined the hug. “I’m not good with words but, God, George I love you so much.”
“I think we should find someone for you to talk to. I’m really… scared for you George.” Dream whispered. “We’ve never been through what you’ve been through and we can’t give you the support that you need.”
George nodded as he sobbed, the bear feeling so heavy in his arms. He just wanted to hold her again, even just once.
“I hope she knows how much I love her.” George whispered. “I don’t think I told her enough.”
“She knew.” Sapnap said shakily. “You told her every single day. Most parents don’t. She knew how much you loved her. Because she loved you the same amount.”
George continued to cry for another twenty minutes before he pulled away.
“I’m so tired.” He whispered.
Dream and Sapnap frowned before Dream picked him up and carried him to bed. A week later, George had a therapy appointment.
It was tough, explaining how Ellie came to be, why they moved, and how she passed but as he spoke about it, he found himself pointing out the happy memories. Her meeting Dream and Sapnap for the first time. Her favourite movie being Tarzan. The way she had to have cheese on almost everything. It made him feel sour. Like he had been focused to much on the good to never have noticed what was wrong, all the signs he should’ve picked up on.
His therapist told him it was normal for parents to blame themselves but that didn’t make it healthy or right.
George went home with a leaflet and a task to change every negative thought to a positive one.
It was tough. It wasn’t easy believing he wasn’t responsible for all the bad things. Even things fully out of his control he found himself blaming himself. She was a child, he should’ve worked harder to protect her.
He told his therapist all of his thoughts and she worked through it with him. Reminding him that he couldn’t have been responsible for such things. George just let her talk, nodding when it felt appropriate and humming every few sentences.
He was so tired.
He streamed for the first time, ten months after her passing. His viewers sky rocketing almost immediately, every person spamming love hearts and hello.
"Hi everyone. Sorry for how long it's been." George chuckled awkwardly. “I thought we’d get back on the hardcore world. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Salt and Pepper, huh? And Sappy.”
“Um, I’m not going to read chat a lot today.” George stumbled. “I hope that’s okay. You can still donate but please don’t mention the elephant in the room. Maybe I’ll talk about it one day but I can’t-” His voice cracked and he took a deep breath. “I just need to do something so-”
He played the minecraft world for half an hour, just mining and talking about nothing of value. He was making his way back to the house when he froze. He saw the dog, the name tag displaying the name "Snowy". Ellie had named the dog and forced George to put a white collar on it. The pain burned harsher in his chest and he quickly turned off his camera.
"Sorry." He chuckled before sniffling and continuing to his house. "Um anyways, I think that uh - I think-" He played with his fingers. “I think I’m gonna leave it there. Sorry, I- I’m really sorry. I’m really tired guys so I’m gonna leave it here I think.”
George quickly logged off and went back to bed, snuggling up with the bear and sobbing again.
He was so tired of crying.
In June, George didn't go on social media again. With father's day being in the middle of the month and Ellie's birthday then six days after, the month was long and painful. He had been scrolling through his drive, finding every video of her that he could before he stumbled across a video of Ellie, Dream and Sapnap dancing. He watched the video over and over before he shut off his phone and stayed in bed.
Dream and Sapnap took turns coming in, delivering food and drinks, occasionally just sitting beside and talking about their day, giving George the support he needed even though he couldn’t vocalise it.
He didn't log on social media until two days after Father's day, greeted with many pieces of fanart of him and Ellie, other posts pressuring others not to mention it. His chest ached as he turned off his phone and rolled back over in bed.
He shakily lit the candle, placing the cupcake next to the photos of Ellie. He sobbed quietly and waited to calm down before whispering, “My shining star, happy sixth birthday. Daddy misses you so, so, so much. I love you so much sweetheart.”
Dream drove him to her grave an hour later where he played Tarzan on his phone and sat next to her grave so they could watch it together.
He wasn’t ever going to get over her. She had the biggest impact in such a short amount of time, he thought about her every day, probably even every hour. He asked his therapist about it; whether or not he would ever move on. His therapist shook her head and bluntly said no, he wouldn’t just get over the pain of losing his daughter but his heart would grow around the pain and adapt to it. The pain stayed the same, he just had to learn how to navigate that pain.
Everyday, his thoughts were filled with Ellie. Slowly, they were no longer the painful and burning chest thoughts, they were the happiness and laughs that she brought. The joy in her face as George said yes to one more story, to an extra hour of playtime, to an extra scoop of ice cream. The thoughts became the sunshine she bought into his life.