Work Text:
Soseki Natsume was smiling. It was a tiny, soft tug at the corners of lips that weren´t used to that feeling, barely noticeable under his bushy moustache. But it was a smile nonetheless.
A steady rain had been pouring down almost all day long, starting somewhere in the morning during one of his lessons and only becoming heavier from there. These were the days he usually dreaded the most ever since he came to London all these years ago. Often he regretted his decision. Sometimes he imagined just packing his bags and going back to Japan, walking away from a job where he was underpaid and underappreciated, leaving behind this country where he didn´t belong. He never did.
Curiously, these thoughts didn´t come up as often as they used to anymore.
The weather of England filled him with a deep undescribable melancholy. Driving through thick strands of rain and dense patches of fog, walking into a cold home almost not worthy to be called that, being halfheartedly greeted by a bunch of cats that seemed to hold the same resentment towards it that he had, sitting inside and watching a sombre world that didn´t seem to light up... It made everything worse, making his mind float on to equally forlorn places. The suffocating grip of loneliness. Misery. An endless barage of thoughts screaming loudly in his head, banging against it from the inside like the raindrops outside against his window.
Oddly enough, he didn´t seem to mind these days that much lately.
Today was one of these rare evenings that he didn´t spend working deep into the night, only to fall asleep over his textbooks and scattered paperwork, allowing himself to get lost in a book with a cup of freshly brewed tea in the company of his cats. An evening of self care, as one might call it. Rather spontaneous this time if he had to be honest.
Intriguingly, these nights of free time actually seemed to happen more often nowadays.
Usually he would be sitting in his armchair in the living room, every now and then dearly missing the warmth and comfort of a kotatsu table. A cat would be curled up in his lap, its purring sound calming his ever so tense nerves while he stroked it slowly.
This time it was different. Instead of his armchair, he was in his bed, blanket pulled up not too high and slightly propped up on the pillow. Instead of patting a cat´s fur, his fingers were gliding through the equally soft blond locks of the head that was resting on his chest. William didn´t purr in his sleep, but it calmed his nerves just the same. And while his eyes stayed glued to the page, the words didn´t reach Soseki´s mind as it simply seemed to rest in the moment.
If anyone would have told him before that his life would be like this one day, not completely alone, not completely miserable, he would have thought of it as a new way of trying to ridicule him. His wildest imagination could have never been enough to come up with a scenario like this. One in which he wasn´t feeling loneliness no matter where he went. One in which he wasn´t full of anxiety no matter what he did. It just wasn´t meant to be for someone like him. And yet here he was, all the trials and tribulations considered that they had to get through to get to this point. Him, together with someone. With another man on top of that. (A criminal even...)
He shook that thought out of his head, a sigh escaping him as he let a stream of sensations wash through him.
The relief he felt when coming home after a stressful day at work and finding William there, not even surprised anymore that he was already inside (Soseki had finally gotten him his own key after he had almost broken the lock).
The warmth he felt when William tried to do something for him to cheer him up (He couldn´t cook or even brew tea correctly and didn´t bother with doing any housework, but he always seemed to find a way to make Soseki feel better and forget about what caused his current spout of anxiety and rattling nerves).
The comfort he felt when William stayed the night and was there the next morning (He also remembered how awkward that had felt the first few times, even though William was sleeping on the couch and nothing happened that even implied anything more than two literature enthusiasts spending time together. But Soseki just wasn´t used to having anyone stay over and he didn´t know what to do).
All of it, when William was just there to hold him together when he was in danger of shattering (Or maybe they were really holding each other together if you took a closer look behind the curtain).
And when everything started to get dark and to crumble again and the noise got too loud and the dread got too suffocating and everything was just way, way too much, Soseki kept a tight hold on moments like this.
The memory of a debate that got too heated (again), but had to be cut short, because of how tired he felt today, not having the energy for any more arguments, even if he wanted to. Getting dragged away from his work while protesting loudly, because that insufferable man just did NOT want to understand how immensely important it was to take these notes and prepare these worksheets and what did he even mean HE won this time, so he got to decide what they were doing tonight and he wanted to turn in early?? More and more getting used to the unfamiliar feeling of another person being this close to him, falling asleep together and his warmth around him when he draped himself over Soseki like he was one of his cats. Not even caring that William was probably drooling on his pajama shirt right now.
The only thing important was that when he was together with him, just the two of them and the cats scattered around them, he for once couldn´t feel all of his nerves crawling and curling around him like barb wire, only a small tap away from bursting and tearing him apart. He simply felt calm.
No overthinking that he might not be prepared enough for his lessons in the morning.
No panic that he might have said something wrong that one time.
No aching from feeling his dreams being shattered.
No devouring void that consumed him more and more.
Just... calm.
And when he allowed himself to grasp this moment long enough, hold it close to his heart together with the image of William smiling (genuinely, for him, not that fake one he had for everyone else), then he could even believe that this feeling would last.
About to let heartwarming thoughts guide him into the land of slumber, instead of the usual cruel, crushing, crippling claw of anxiety keeping him from there, Soseki closed the book. It was at that very instant that his beautiful tricoloured cat decided to jump onto the bed from her position on the closet, landing straight on William´s back. His head shot up with an unflattering yelp and a mix of terror and confusion on his face. The cat didn´t let herself get distracted from her mission to almost headbutt the book out of Soseki´s hands in exchange for some pats, stretched and curled herself up right where she was. With a sigh, that was probably supposed to represent theatrically overplayed annoyance but came out more like amusement than anything else, William laid his head back down on Soseki´s chest and shifted just a little bit so he wouldn´t disturb it. You got used to having cats climb all over you in this house after all.
And Soseki made a noise that could almost be mistaken for a quiet chuckle as he put the book down on the nightstand and turned off the light. His hand naturally found its way back into William´s hair, as he got more comfortable and closed his eyes.
Yes... Even if it was just for a little while... Even if it was just for this moment... Everything in his life could be calm and well.
The smile stayed on his lips.