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It’s not all he thinks about. It’s more of an everyday thing, daily ritual. He’ll catch himself looking at the sky freckled with stars or bodies of water ebbing gracefully or convenience store chocolate and suddenly Killua will be on his mind. It’s not even stuff that reminds him of the boy, Gon’ll hear a dumb joke and wonder what Killua would think of it, or he’ll be brushing his teeth and wondering what Killua is doing now, how Alluka is, are they having fun or are they feeling sad?
But it’s just always casual. Somewhere in the two years they spent together Killua had seeped himself into Gon’s every pore and even though he’s physically far away there’s this presence and reminder.
It makes Gon feel more alone than not.
Gon loves lots of people, and he’s fascinated by more. Gon probably loves Mito-san the most if he had to pick. Gon goes days without thinking of Mito-san before something will remind him of her. It’s not that he doesn’t love her or any other of his friends but he tends to focus on what’s in front of him.
So Killua’s pervasive presence in his mind is strange. But it’s inherently valuable to Gon all the same.
Some days however it’s a burden. Instead of being an afterthought it becomes all Gon thinks about that day. He hyper focuses and his whole body feels on edge and his beetle phone is in his sweaty hands and he just sits there resisting calling his best friend. He feels overwhelmed and sad and on those days he almost talks to his imaginary Killua, the one in his head telling him that whatever dumb thing he’s about to pull is indeed dumb and that Gon needs to stop and think.
On good days Gon listens to his Killua-shaped conscious, on bad ones Gon almost argues with his own thoughts, almost calls out to the boy, and almost feels him being there with him. And that almost-ness of it all is what really gets to Gon. Because Killua isn’t there and he loves when Killua is there as much as he loves hanging out with Kurapika and Leorio and Mito-san but he doesn’t hate as much when they’re gone as he does when he hates that Killua isn’t there.
Gon holds his phone in sweaty dirt caked hands and resists calling his best friend because he doesn’t know what he even wants to say. Because Killua makes him stop and question whether or not this is a good idea. Impulse battling against insight makes Gon feel like he’s crawling with ants in his organs. Gon feels heavy and dumb and like he wants to move but he’s paralyzed in this spot drenched in indecision.
Gon holds his phone in shaking hands because he’s pretty sure that Killua hates him.
Gon’s chest aches but he looks at his phone.
Gon has never really like thinking about what other people thought of him. He doesn’t want to think about Ging thinks of him, or Mito-san, and especially not Kite. Gon doesn’t want to dwell on those things because he knows that he shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be good for him.
But Gon can’t help and can’t control how he worries about how Killua thinks of him. And sometimes when he thinks of what Killua’s said in the past about Gon preens with how happy it makes him. He wants to wear a badge of compliments he’s gotten from the boy. But the negative hits harder and lasts longer. And now with his Killua-shaped conscious he thinks and thinks and hurts and regrets and in a Killua-shaped voice he berates himself and hates himself.
And so Gon’s pretty sure that Killua hates him. Gon who barely hates anyone dislikes himself so he’s pretty sure that Killua despises him.
Gon doesn’t like to think about how that’s why Killua left him like Ging left him. Mostly because he doesn’t want to think about how his father probably hates him completely at all ever.
But he finds himself thinking that a lot on bad days. Days where he has to restrain himself from bothering Killua. Sweaty hands and foggy head. Gon is never productive on those days and finds himself doing a grand total of nothing as he tries to think of anything other than white hair, sharp grins, gracefully inhuman movements, body heat a few inches away, uncontrollable laughter, sad eyes, sharp nails, that face that wouldn’t meet his.
It’s an overwhelming sort of longing and dread.
Gon never lets himself contact Killua on those days. He goes to bed and tries to shove these thoughts aside in his never think about them space and have a better day tomorrow. Most of the time it works and he wakes up to purple morning skies that make him think of Killua but then his thought process is able to move on.
Maybe in another day or two he’ll send Killua an email or text about absolutely nothing. And maybe in a few days that’ll all it will be, an afterthought. That is until the next bad day of unaddressed feelings and pent up loneliness.