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House entered Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital one morning and could tell something was different. He headed into the clinic and stood next to Wilson, who was at the nurses station, he looked towards Cuddy’s office, noticing the lights were off.
”Cuddy isn’t here,” he commented.
”Yes,” Wilson replied, “I told you before I left this morning that she was at a conference in Baltimore all weekend.”
”I was half asleep, you can’t really expect me to function properly,” House retorted.
”You seemed to be functioning fine when you were trying to get me to stay in bed and take my clothes off,” Wilson said, causing a nurse nearby to raise an eyebrow at them, Wilson blushed when he realised what he’d said.
”I’m always able to function for sex,” House told him, “but trying to tell me that our boss isn’t here today actually involves brain power.”
”And God forbid I make you use your brain before 9am.”
”You know me so well,” House teased.
”Why do you care so much that she isn’t here?” Wilson questioned, then groaned and tilted his head up when he realised, “The duckling games,” he said.
”The duckling games,” House grinned.
————
“What’s the duckling games?” Taub asked as the team gathered in the outer office.
”I am glad you asked,” House replied, pointing at him with his cane, “how about I get one of the original ducklings to tell you about it,” he stepped aside dramatically indicating to Cameron, Chase and Foreman to take over. Cameron rolled her eyes before speaking.
”Whenever Cuddy goes to a conference we have the duckling games, basically we do some dumb games and earn points to see who is the better ‘duckling’” she explained.
”And Cameron is just mad that she lost last year to me,” Foreman added.
”Why are we called ducklings?” Kutner asked.
”Because I am the daddy duck, Wilson is the mummy duck and you are all our little ducklings,” House replied.
”How come in the mummy duck?” Wilson asked.
”Because you actually have a caring side,” House retorted and Wilson just shrugged.
”So what, we’re not actually going to do any work today we’re just going to mess around?” Thirteen asked.
”Isn’t it great?” House grinned.
”But don’t forget that Cuddy left me in charge so if this gets out of hand then I will shut it down,” Wilson added.
”Yes mom,” House replied sarcastically, “but as our numbers have doubled from last year, the two with the least amount of points today will be out, then another person will be eliminated tomorrow lunchtime until we are down to our final 3!”
”This is so stupid,” Cameron muttered under her breath.
”Oh well,” House replied, “Let the duckling games begin!” He lit a Bunsen burner, that was sitting on the table, in a ceremonious way.
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“For the first activity I’m going to split you into two teams!” House told them as they stood on the balcony between his and Wilson’s office, “we will have the original ducklings going against ducklings 2.0 in a game of tug of war, one team will be on Wilson’s side, the other on mine, we have this rope with two flags on it, if your flag goes over the wall in the middle then your team loses,” House explained. The group split into the two teams, Thirteen, Kutner and Taub stood on Wilson’s side and the other three were on House’s. They picked up the rope that Wilson gave them and held it up.
”You may begin in 3, 2, 1,” Wilson said but before he could say ‘go’ House blew a whistle and the two teams began to pull.
”You guys better do me proud!” House called out to his team, “I raised you up from nothing don’t let me down now!”
”C’mon guys you’ve got this!” Wilson said to his team. They went back and forth for a few minutes, each team giving it their all, they couldn’t predict who would be the winners as it was incredibly close. That was until Chase tripped over his own feet, causing him to crash into Foreman and Cameron who were behind him and the whole team fell to the floor. House blew the whistle again as their flag flew over the wall and the other team cheered.
”I’m disappointed guys,” House told the three doctors who were pulling themselves up from the floor.
”We’d probably have won had Chase not had two left feet,” Foreman commented.
”I tripped, sorry for being human,” Chase muttered.
”Not to worry, there’s still plenty of games left,” House said, “you guys can redeem yourselves.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Wilson said as he climbed over the wall to join them.
”It’s fine the next one isn’t a team game so even if Chase messes up he only screws over himself,” House told them.
————
The team sat around the table in the office looking down at the plates in front of them.
”You’re trying to kill us,” Cameron commented as she eyed up the hot dogs that were taking over the table.
”Nonsense, just seeing who’d win in a hotdog eating contest,” House told them.
“There are easily a hundred hot dogs here,” Foreman said.
“Actually it’s only 90,” House replied.
”If I’d have known you were going to do this I wouldn’t have had lunch,” Taub muttered, feeling sick just looking at the food.
”So the first two who drop out will get no points, whoever is next will get one, third place gets two, second place gets three and first place gets five,” Wilson explained, “you each get a couple of bottles of water, if you throw up you are immediately out,” the ducklings each grabbed a hotdog as House began to countdown, when he blew his whistle they shoved the food in their mouths.
Taub was out first, making it to four hotdogs, and sat back looking as if he’d puke at any moment. Thirteen made it to six before she tapped out. Cameron pushed herself to get an extra 1/4 of a hotdog more than Thirteen so she could at least get a point. Chase and Foreman were keeping their eyes on each other, trying desperately to beat the other. They got to nine hotdogs before Chase ran to the bin and spewed up in it. Foreman gulped down another half of a hotdog to gain a lead on him before heading for the bin too. Once they had finished, they sat back down at the table and Foreman was about to celebrate his win when he realised Kutner was still eating. The younger man was taking it slowly so was still one hotdog behind but didn’t appear to be stopping anytime soon.
He managed to get two more hotdogs down before throwing in the towel and everyone cheered for him. House updated the points on the whiteboard before they moved onto the next game.
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They played a game of capture the flag, the flag being House’s lab coat which he had hidden somewhere in the hospital, this led to Thirteen gaining five points as she was the only person who thought to check the bodies in the morgue and found the coat on the late Mrs Wendel. They gathered in the lab for the next game.
”This next one is called ‘snitches get stitches’,” House told them, “and I have been informed that Kutner is currently puking his guts up in the third floor bathroom so he will not be participating in this round. Which means whoever comes last will be the only one getting no points.”
“The aim of this game is to see who can do ten stitches on a banana the fastest,” Wilson said, handing each one a banana, they did a countdown again and House blew his whistle. By this point in the game they had started to get her an audience of curious nurses and doctors outside of the room who were cheering on their favourites.
Taub finished first, his years of practice as a plastic surgeon coming in handy. Chase was second, only just beating Thirteen to that spot. Cameron got fourth place and Foreman swore as he stabbed the needle into the banana, only needing one more stitch to finish.
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They played a couple more games before the end of the day and House and Wilson tallied up the points before reporting back to the others.
”Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” House announced, “the results,” the ducklings all sat in the front row of the lecture room that House had brought them to, they were watching the two men expectantly and the audience that they had gathered were stood at the back.
”We have a draw for first place,” Wilson told them, “so the first two people who are safe for today are,” he paused for dramatic effect, “Thirteen and Kutner!” The audience cheered for them for a moment before House banged his walking stick on the desk, signalling for them to be quiet.
”The next person through, who missed out on first by two points, is,” he did a little drumroll before speaking again, “Foreman!” Foreman pumped his fist as people cheered again.
”And the last person through to tomorrow’s semi-final is,” Wilson said, “Cameron!” The woman in question cheered as Chase and Taub looked disappointed.
”So Chase and Taub, that means that you two are out of the duckling games, but don’t worry, it doesn’t mean mommy and daddy no longer love you, it just means you’re not our favourite,” House told them, “now the rest of you go home and get some sleep, you’ve got a busy day tomorrow,” everyone cleared out of the room, and House and Wilson began to prepare for tomorrow.
————
“You’re here early,” Thirteen commented as she walked into the outer office and saw House sitting there.
”Had to get everything ready for the big day,” House replied. The door opened and Foreman walked in, soon followed by Cameron and Kutner. Wilson joined them after a few minutes and they began their first game of the day.
“So, our first game is a scavenger hunt,” Wilson told them, “Here is a list of items for you to go and find in the hospital, you have until lunchtime to collect them all and bring them back here, whoever gets the most gets 10 points, second place gets 7, third will get 3 and last gets none.”
”But be careful,” House said, “because Chase and Taub are roaming the halls and if they catch you then they will switch your list with a different one and you have to start again.”
”You may begin in 3,2,1-“ Wilson began but was cut off by House’s whistle again. The four doctors ran out of the room to begin the hunt.
————
The ducklings all made it back just before the clock hit 12, Thirteen dumped the stuff out of a box she managed to find by the dumpsters and Wilson looked through them.
“Not bad Hadley,” he said, “you’re only missing four things. House went over to foreman and took the shopping bag out of his hands, he emptied the contents onto the table.
“ooh bad luck Foreman, you’re five items short,” he said.
”I would have had anything had Taub not cornered me in peds,” Foreman muttered. Cameron was next, her items were all piled into a shopping cart.
”Where the hell did you get that from?” Wilson questioned.
”There was one sitting near the entrance, it was supposed to be for the food bank collection but I swapped that for a cardboard box, I felt this would be easier to bring around with me,” Cameron explained.
”I’m half tempted to give her extra points for that,” House commented as Wilson checked her items.
”Looks like she got all but one thing,” he said and she grinned. Kutner stepped forwards next, placing five things on the table.
”That’s a pathetic attempt,” House commented.
”Chase found me twice and the Taub got me about 10 minutes ago,” he explained.
”Well I think it goes without saying that Cameron won that round,” Wilson said, “which means that Thirteen is still holding on to first place, but only just, Cameron is a close second after that round and Foreman keeps his place in third.”
”Which means the next person to be eliminated is, Kutner!” House announced, crossing his name out on the white board, “Now go my young padawans, enjoy your lunch and meet back here for the finale of the duckling games!”
————
The three finalists all met up outside of the outer office where they were greeted by House with three wheelchairs and an audience.
“Welcome to the final battle!” He called out, “The wheelchair race!” The audience cheered as he said this, “in this round you will have to race each other in your wheelchairs, the path has been highlighted in bright and colourful tape, but this isn’t just any ordinary race, there will be obstacles along the way, so racers take your positions,” the three doctors sat down in their wheelchairs and wheeled themselves up to the starting line. House pulled a microphone out of his jacket pocket and switched it on, “ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the final round of the duckling games,” his voice could be heard over the tannoy system, “if you have not done so already then please place your bets on who you think will be crowned the greatest duckling, you can do so by going on our website ‘www.ducklinggames.com,’ betting will be closing in one minute. Anyway onto today’s events, the points up until now will no longer matter, the winner of this wins it all, so here are our contestants; we have doctors Hadley, Cameron and Foreman lined up at the starting line, they are looking eager and ready to go so let’s not keep them waiting, on your marks, get set,” he said, “go!” As he called this out the three younger doctors wheeled themselves down the corridor. “They all set off with a good start people, but can they keep up the pace,” House commented, “let’s head over to Dr Robert Chase in peds and see what he thinks, over to you Robert.”
”Thank you Gregory,” Chase replied over the speakers, “our racers have just entered the peds department, Foreman seems to be the front runner but the ladies are very close behind, I’m not going to lie to you this could be anyone’s game,” he announced, “but oooh! It looks like they have come across our first obstacle, the corridor of cuteness, there are children lining these halls, all armed with stuffed toys, and by the looks of it our front runner is now at the back of the pack after getting Mickey Mouse tangled up in a wheel!”
”That’s going to set him back a little bit Robert,” House replied, “Let’s go now to Christopher in oncology.”
”Well Gregory, we have Dr Hadley with quite the lead here, Cameron is on her six and Foreman is beginning to catch up, but our next obstacle could change things,” Taub announced, “and it looks like Hadley has gotten there already, we call this one the ‘slip and slide,’ the corridors have been freshly mopped with an excessive amount of water, making it very dangerous for our wheelchair bound doctors.”
”That does sound dangerous Christopher, how are they handling it?” House replied.
”Well Gregory, Dr Cameron has just crashed into a door frame allowing Foreman to zoom into second place, but she has quickly recovered and seems to be catching up, meanwhile Hadley has just gotten on one of the Northern elevators and is heading up to the ICU so I believe I may have to pass this on to Lawrence.”
”Thank you Christopher,” Kutner said, “I can confirm that Dr Hadley is now in the ICU but she has been held up, because as soon as she got of the elevator she was met by the hospital’s handy men, all armed with fire extinguishers,” He told everyone, “and, by the looks of it, she has be joined by Foreman and Cameron, but it is hard to see with the contents of the fire extinguishers creating a blanket of white over everything. Oh but it looks like all three have made it out! Foreman is in the lead but only just because Hadley is on his tail and Cameron is on hers. But unfortunately for them they have to try to make it down two flights of stairs.”
”They does sound challenging Lawrence,” House replied, “for legal reason’s I would just like to announce that all participants in the duckling games have signed waivers. Now onto James who is currently outside of the clinic.”
”Well Gregory, what can I say,” Wilson responded, “all three doctors have made it down the stairs without injury, but only just as Foreman almost took all three out on the last few steps, but they are now all racing through the clinic, they have to do three laps around the nurses station before coming back past me and into the elevator to race towards the finish line and by the looks of it Gregory, it’s going to be a close call.”
”Who do you believe is the favourite to win James?” House asked.
”I couldn’t tell you I’m afraid,” Wilson replied, “they are neck and neck at this point, but Foreman is slightly in the lead with Hadley right behind him, they are heading towards the eleva-“ he cut himself off “Oh no! It looks like they entered that elevator with a bang, meanwhile Cameron looks to be heading for the next one, I’m going to head upstairs now Gregory so I’ll see you there.”
”I see what you mean about the bang James, it looks as though Foreman and Hadley have gotten their wheelchairs caught, will they be able to get separated before Cameron over takes them? Let’s find out folks?”
The elevator dinged as Wilson got to the top of the stairs, Chase, Taub and Kutner had joined the large group of people that were waiting by the elevator. Cameron wheeled herself out of the metal box as Foreman and Thirteen struggled in the one next door. Cameron raced towards the finish line, not bothering to look back at the colleagues she was leaving behind. She lifted her hands in the air and cheered as she passed the finish line. The corridor erupted into cheers and House set off a confetti canon. Foreman and Thirteen got out of their wheelchairs and came over to congratulate Cameron.
Once everything had settled down, Wilson came over to House and Cameron with something sitting covered up on a cushion. House spoke to their audience.
”Well, now we come to our closing ceremony, thank you to everyone who participated this year and well done to everyone who bet on Dr Cameron, now time to present our winner with her award,” Wilson stepped forward and lifted the piece of cloth from the cushion. Underneath was a plastic crown and a rubber duck that had ‘Alison Cameron’ scribbled on it in Wilson’s questionable handwriting. House took the crown and placed it on Cameron’s head before handing her the rubber duck. She turned around as Foreman and Thirteen set off two more confetti canons and everyone clapped for her. The corridors soon cleared and before long the team were the only people left.
”Ironic that the one who called the games dumb to begin with ended up winning,” Chase commented.
”Sounds like someone’s bitter that he didn’t even make it past day one,” Foreman joked and everyone snickered. The ducklings all congratulated Cameron on her win before heading off to clean up before going home. Wilson and House also congratulated her, letting her know that she could go home and leave the cleaning to the others, which she happily accepted.
“You know Cuddy is never going to leave you in charge again if she finds out about this,” House said to Wilson.
”She already knows,” Wilson replied, “she messaged me earlier to say that she won big in the betting pool,” House chuckled at this, grabbing Wilson’s hand as they got onto the elevator to leave for the day.