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"Aw Khaotung, you're like fire!"
"Fire?" First repeats, quite impressed with the comparison. Khaotung is looking at him with a smile and First doesn't even know what has happened until he hears the words come out of his own mouth:
"More like my faen", he says, and then he's letting out a surprised "oh" and slapping his hand over his own mouth. The fan they're having a videocall with clearly didn't expect that and lets out an elated giggle, and First just wants to gag himself for an undetermined period of time.
Why is he ALWAYS blurting out this kind of stuff?
He risks a quick glance at Khaotung and Khaotung himself has his hand over his mouth, though in a much milder manner, more like he's playing along than anything else.
Still First finds himself blushing, both embarrassed and annoyed at himself.
It's not the first time that this has happened. The most noticeable occurence was when he had the terribly unfortunate idea of calling Khaotung cute during Safe House. One, because the moment itself was excruciating - everyone had left the kitchen like he had just said the most shocking thing ever, even Tay (his brother, his ally!), and he had been left floundering to explain what had happened to a Khaotung who couldn't look him in the eye - and two, because NO ONE had let him live it down, and he was still asked for an explanation on interviews months after the actual event.
First can't comprehend why he can't seem to put a damn filter on his own mouth when he is actually a growingly popular actor required to watch his words, and why it always seems to happen about his pairing with Khaotung.
He throws another glance at Khaotung and wonders how he does it. Of course Khaotung can sometimes be awkward interacting with the fans too, especially since he is usually quite introverted around people he doesn't know; but about this couple stuff that the fans seem to eat up? A walk in the park for the man! He is never taken aback, never flustered, always smooth with his answers.
Where First is constantly hyper-aware of everything couple-related - be it to deny, denounce or involuntarily initiate it (this damn mouth of his!) -, Khaotung never seems to mind it and just smiles and goes along with it. Has he been practicing high level meditation and First doesn't know or something? There has to be some kind of secret technique to it.
Several hours after they are finished with the videocalls, while they are on a break from the work they have been doing for their upcoming event, First takes the opportunity to ask Khaotung:
"Tung, hey, how do you look so unruffled when the fans ask us for couple stuff? Like when they call us lovers, when they joke about FirstKhaotung or KhaotungFirst, or when they scream their lungs out whenever our skins connect for one nanosecond? I'm genuinely curious".
"I don’t really mind it", Khaotung answers with a shrug. He's drinking a milk tea.
"Even if they're projecting their fantasies onto us?" First asks.
"If that fantasy makes them happy, i don't see why not? They can see whatever they want to see in us; it doesn't mean we have to conform to it" Khaotung explains calmly, before adding with a smirk: "I actually do enjoy friendzoning you every time you're making a half-heart shape with your hand". He almost sticks his tongue out at that.
"Oy!" goes First, trying to hit Khaotung on the shoulder. The latter leans away to avoid it and save his cup, amusement dancing in his eyes.
First comes back to the question, his tone incredulous, mentally throwing hands : "So it basically doesn't bother you if the whole world thinks we're dating?"
Khaotung rolls his eyes at First's dramatics, but it's fond: "One, the whole world does not think that we are dating" he corrects. "And second", he adds while throwing First a curious look, like it should be obvious but somehow isn’t, "it's not like the idea of being with you is insulting".
First doesn't know why he is surprised by this answer, nor why he can suddenly hear his heartbeat in his ears.
"Right" he says.
He means it to come out as a confirmation, because of course it's not insulting to be pictured in a relationship with him, and Khaotung is always a supportive friend like that. But somehow it comes out more as a question.
Khaotung's gaze on him turns concerned when he hears it, and he leaves his cup on the table to turn fully towards First.
"Of course, that's right" he says gently. His voice is soft, his face open and genuine.
"Right" First makes himself repeat, more forcefully this time. He's trying to get his heartbeat back to a normal rhythm, and failing completely.
"What about when I'm the one initiating the lovey-dovey stuff?" Maybe a change of subject will help, and First is actually genuinely worried about that. "Like earlier, when I blurted out this thing about you being my faen, or when i said you were cute?"
"What about it?"
"Does it bother you?"
"No it doesn't" and Khaotung looks indeed completely unbothered.
"You're not asking yourself why this kind of stuff spontaneously comes out of my mouth so often?"
And this is the crux of the matter, First can tell. Because his heartbeat doubles in his chest, in fear, and suddenly he knows that it's not the fact that Khaotung might ask himself this question that scares him the most, though it is scary, but the fact that he is already asking himself this question. He's already wondering why these romantic notions keep coming to his mind regularly.
In fact, he realizes, he probably has been wondering, for months and not even consciously, if his feelings for Khaotung were as clear as he thought they were. And lowkey stressing out over the possibility that Khaotung would start wondering the same, and that their relationship would come under threat. The relationship that he cares about so, so much that the mere idea of it being at risk is unbearable.
It’s no wonder he has been so over-conscious of everything related to their pairing. No wonder he couldn't help trying to explain and justify every blunder a posteriori. He doesn't know why it took him so long to catch up when it has been so obvious all this time.
First doesn't know what his face is doing but Khaotung has clearly caught up on the fact that he is freaking out. He is already coming to him and grasping one of his arms to get his attention.
"First" he says, and his grip on First's arm is strong, grounding. First fixes his eyes on him, clings to the grip. He feels like his world is being shifted on its axis. "You can speak spontaneously" Khaotung says. "The fans and the company are something else, but I am never going to get mad at you for speaking whatever comes to your mind, okay?" and he's looking at First earnestly, tightening his grip to emphasize his words.
"You don't need to think or watch yourself with me. Whatever you think, and whatever you feel, it's fine" he adds and First starts breaking down, because he only understands how much he's been needing the reassurance now that Khaotung has given it to him.
"We can deal with it together, like we've dealt with everything in the past" Khaotung tells him convincingly and with, surprisingly, a touch of urgency. He is breathing hard, kind of like he's run a marathon, and it would be funny if First wasn't currently coming apart. "Okay?" He asks, his eyes staring intently into First's, waiting for his answer.
First nods, unable to trust himself to do anything else when there are literal tears running down his face, and Khaotung engulfs him into a hug, soothingly rubbing his back. "Okay" Khaotung repeats, and he seems as relieved as First.
"Don't pull away from me" First thinks he hears, mumbled, but that might have been just him.