Chapter Text
He felt sad, it felt like everything was coming down on him at once. He couldn’t blame Chan or Hyunjin or Minho, his insecurities had been acting up for quite a while. He was feeling so upset with himself for feeling like this, but Felix couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t blame anyone, no one but his own self. He wished this had happened on a better week so that he could take it like a champ.
It had been around a month since the entire situation was resolved with their other world. The other members had slowly stopped spending every waking moment with him and Felix was slowly starting to experience the withdrawal. He felt lonely and abandoned and all he could think of was, ‘They spent time with me only because they thought I was going to die.’
For a moment, just for a single one, he wished the entire situation was not resolved so that he could have the attention of his boyfriends for at least a bit. And that single moment made him feel much worse- he was asking for something which had put them all in pain for such a long time, he was being clingy by simply thinking of something like that. He would put all of them in difficult positions again. Moreover, everyone had been busy with practicing for the promotions for Maxident and he felt so irrational for still feeling bad even though he knew exactly how much work was piled onto their plates- all the shooting, dance practises, vocal lessons and stage rehearsals.
His irrational mind would not calm down at all though. He could only think of every single time he was rejected either outright or very subtly. Hyunjin did not choose him to be his partner during their Lover’s Race or whatever that stupid game which was appropriate for their group was. He knew he had no right to be salty about it, but Jinnie had literally bailed on one of their scheduled dates just the previous night since he had to go for some shooting.
Felix understood why he had to cancel but couldn’t see why he hadn’t thought to compensate for their canceled time together the very next day when he got such an amazing opportunity to make up for it.
Was it his own fault? Was he not expressing his love for his boyfriends enough- was this their way of telling him that if he didn’t show them any affection they wouldn’t do the same for him too?
They’d all rejected him when he’d tried to hug them during their ten minute break, Hyunjin pretended to cling to him for the sake of the cameras but it felt like he immediately pushed him away once the camera panned to the other side. Felix had no idea what was going on- ‘maybe talking to Chan about it might be a good idea.’
Felix and Jeongin had just won the second round of the game and had been declared “Lovers” too. They had a short break before they had to start the next round since the production crew had not yet set up the areas for the next mission. He could use that time to go and talk to Chan- he would definitely be able to help him out or atleast comfort him to an extent.
“Chan-hyung!! Do you have some time for me? Can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course Lix, I’m always ready to listen to you.”
Felix felt a rush of relief flow through him. Chan was behaving the same, nothing was happening, he was just overthinking it, he should probably still get his thoughts off his chest though to make sure there aren’t any lingering tensions anymore.
“Hyung..did I do something wrong? Did I accidentally hurt anyone? Why does it seem like everyone is ignoring me?”
“What, Felix are you crazy? Nothing like that is happening. No one’s upset with you and nobody’s ignoring you.”
Chan exclaimed and immediately walked away offering Felix pats on his back. Felix’s entire interaction with Chan just made him feel worse than before- his hyung had not given him particularly “comforting” words like he usually did, he’d only answered his question, not even a hug was given, only a pat on the back. Even head pats would have been better than- whatever that poor attempt was.
Maybe he wasn’t overthinking anything, it definitely seemed like he did do something after all. Felix felt he should give it some more time though, he would address this at the end of the day, he would make sure to talk to all of his boyfriends then and sort out the issue with them. Everything will be alright soon enough.
Their third mission prohibited both him and Jeongin from participating- from attaching themselves to the heart rate counter. He participated in trying to increase the heart rate of his members but nothing, all of theirs was stable, the entire time he spoke. Felix could barely stop himself from breaking down- he was sure that they would edit out all the parts he spoke in to spare him the embarrassment. He quickly left the room when they let them on their bathroom break so that he could bawl his eyes out enough to look normal enough for the last round for the day.
The break was over soon and it was time for them to start their fourth mission, the staff had done a hurried job in setting up the “romantic” area with all the heart balloons and heart shaped flower arrangement. They should have given the job to Jeongin and Hyunjin, the two of them were really good at aesthetic arrangements, he knew first-hand from all the cute dates the two took him on or arranged.
Maybe that was the problem? Did it seem like he was not putting any effort into this relationship, maybe he was not taking the initiative himself? But that wasn’t true- Felix took his boyfriends on dates too, spoilt them as much as he could, tried helping them out at least in small ways every day, washing their dishes after them, keeping the living area clean and often cooking and baking for them. Maybe it wasn’t enough, he had to do more for them. He always knew it wasn’t enough but he’d never realized that they thought so too.
He stood next to the other two members of the maknae line as the members decided who would go first. He knew all of them wouldn’t choose him, that would be insane and wouldn’t make the right content. He had however expected Hyunjin or Chan to choose him, Hyunjin because, well. And Chan because of what had happened earlier, Felix had been sure that Chan would have chosen him to give him some comfort.
Neither of them chose him instead going with the other two maknaes. Felix really wanted to switch off his thoughts right then. He really needed to stop expecting all of his expectations to be fulfilled. He was sure that he was setting himself up for disappointment. It wasn’t really his boyfriends who were doing anything wrong, it was himself, he’d known it all along but now he knew for sure. He expected too much from everyone, he expected the love that he gave the others to be reciprocated with the same intensity, but that won’t happen, clearly. By wanting something like that, he was only setting himself up for disappointment. Everyone had different ways of expressing their love and couldn’t be as overt as he was. He really needed to stop. Just stop.
There was only one person left, Changbin and he hadn’t been chosen yet. He knew for sure that he would be the one Changbin would open his heart to or ask to be his soulmate. He couldn’t help but smile slightly, he was glad he could do this with the person who confessed to him first. Chan had been the first person Felix fell in love with first and the rest of the boys one by one afterwards, Changbin was the first person who told Felix about his feelings first, he’d been the one who facilitated the movement.
The movement being all of them confessing to each other one by one and slowly getting into the relationship. Felix waited for Changbin to reveal all of his cards- fart, armpit….luck really was not on his side, not anymore at least. He was alive now because of his luck. The words had scope, they could still be made to seem heartfelt.
Felix watched as Changbin launched into the most hilarious, impersonal love confession or whatever it was supposed to be. He couldn’t help but feel upset within, even slightly heartbroken. He’d noticed how Changbin kept giving the others pointers on how to improve their own speeches and they’d all seemed amazing, so heartfelt and so sensitive. Felix knew he had not gotten a hold of the short stick only because he knew exactly how romantic Changbin was with his words, actions..everything.
Whatever happened, it was definitely an account of something he’d done. He could not bear to stay there anymore. He walked out of the set, quickly taking his belongings and going into the room assigned for him. He slid against the wall and eventually just sat with his eyes closed.
He’d definitely done something which had hurt the others, he was at fault. It seemed like life would never give him a break. He couldn’t be in a relationship with the people he loved because he was going to die, he had a happy relationship with the people he loved with an impending future of death which didn’t allow him to enjoy entirely, he ended up not dying, and ever since his boyfriends were behaving very differently around him, as if they didn’t want him around.
Felix’s eyes flew open- his boyfriends didn’t want him around. They hadn’t expected him to survive.