Chapter Text
None of this was supposed to happen. Everything was fine a few days ago. Lucy was just coming back from the field to pick up Kate for their dinner plans. Kate still remembers that day so clearly, so vividly, that it's seared onto her brain. She was finishing off some paperwork and was happily humming to herself when she got Lucy’s call. They were catching each other up on their respective days and exchanging work stories when Kate hears Lucy’s panicked voice through the phone.
“What the — ”
Loud screeches and horns from multiple cars blare through the phone in Kate’s hand. Followed by a large crashing sound that makes Kate’s heart drop to her stomach.
“Lucy? Are you okay?!” She shouts into the receiver, trying to not let her mind spiral towards worst case scenarios. “Lucy?” She clutches her phone, waiting for any kind of response, anything to indicate it was okay to release the breath she was holding.
It takes a while for Kate to find the hospital Lucy’s at. She tries three different ones that would have been near the route Lucy was taking on the way back. When she finally arrives at the hospital that had recently taken patients from a six car pile up on Lunalilo Freeway, it takes her hassling another four nurses before she was able to calm down and wait for the results of Lucy’s condition.
Another five hours in surgery later, Lucy was put into an induced coma, and Kate was feeling lost, her tether to this reality, now unconscious and pale. Kate looks down at Lucy, squeezes her hand resting on top of the covers, as if by sheer willpower — Kate could convince Lucy to wake up and look at her again.
And now Kate’s sitting on the chair outside Lucy’s room, afraid to go inside. Her palms are sweating and she keeps clenching and unclenching them to try to feel her nerve endings. The white noise of the hospital surrounds her thoughts, echoes all her fears back to her, making Kate feel dizzy and overwhelmed. The antiseptic smell of the hospital burns her nostrils and makes her lightheaded, makes her want to hurl into the bin next to her and just empty out the last vestiges of her worries along with last night’s pitiful dinner.
Lucy was always the stronger one between the two of them, Kate thinks, and if the roles were reversed, She’s sure that—
“Whistler!”
Kate startles, and becomes aware that Tennant was now hovering over her, concerned etched between her brows. Tennant must’ve been calling her multiple times for her to raise her voice to snap Kate out of her thoughts.
“Oh. Hi Tennant.” Kate weakly answers, exhaustion evident in the slouch she’s positioned herself in.
“Why are you sitting outside? I heard Lucy woke up.”
“Retrograde amnesia,” Kate whispers, afraid that speaking out the truth will make it permanent.
“Sorry, what did you say?” Jane asks, confusion now mixing in with her concern.
Kate clears her throat to speak up, “Doctor says she has retrograde amnesia, Lucy doesn’t remember the last 2 to 3 years. And might never regain her memories… She says this last part quietly.
“Kate… I’m sorry to hear that. Have you talked to her yet?” Tennant consoles with her hand on Kate’s shoulder.
Kate shakes her head, “I’m too afraid to go in, what if she doesn’t remember me at all? Let alone— us. I, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to her. I—”
“Then you help her remember,” Jane says calmly with a small smile on her face, as if she believes this is another obstacle that Kate and Lucy will get through. Her hand squeezes Kate’s shoulder to apply more emphasis in her belief. “Baby steps, you have to start somewhere, can’t stay out here all day.”
“You’re right,” Kate relents, standing up and straightening her shoulders to prepare herself. “I can do this, I just need to focus on Lucy, she’s probably so confused and scared right now. I need to stop throwing a pity party.”
“Hey, no—don’t do this to yourself.” Jane shifts so that Whistler can see her whole face clearly. “None of this is your fault and your fears and emotions are valid as well, don’t dismiss them. Your loved one is hurt and you’re allowed to be upset. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but I know any kind of reaction is allowed in cases like these.”
Kate offers her a forced smile and nods in response. “I’m going to go in first, is that alright?”
“Of course, take your time. I’ll be out here when you’re done.”
____
When Kate enters the room, Lucy’s already sitting up and looking out the window from her bed. There’s an IV drip attached to one of her arms and her untamed hair is framing her neutral expression. The sunlight is softly illuminating her figure, bringing out the light umber of her hair and the contours of her cheekbones. There’s a thick wrapping around Lucy’s head and temple, no doubt covering the stitches and opening from the surgery, and a smattering of purple bruising marring her usually flawless tanned skin. Kate is breathless at how painfully beautiful Lucy is still, even dwarfed by the large hospital gown and mostly covered in bandages. She takes this moment to just breathe in the sight of her lover, to just be in awe of her presence, relieved that Lucy’s up and conscious again.
Suddenly, Kate remembers Lucy’s disdain of hospitals cultivated from a young age and feels even more saddened that now she has to deal with memory loss on top of everything. She feels a small amount of guilt bubbling up for not coming in to see Lucy sooner.
Kate takes a steadying breath and clears her throat when she’s fully stepped inside, waiting for Lucy to turn her head.
When Lucy looks at her, so many emotions flit across her features before stopping on recognition. “Kate?”
Kate stumbles even though she’s standing still, her eyes widening in hope. “You remember me?”
“Uhm ya… you’re the woman from the bar,” Lucy says slowly and a pink tint blossoms on her cheeks. “What are you doing here?”
Kate deflates, and her hand comes up to her head, willing her body to stop the nausea and headache that is starting. Well, at least she knows how much Lucy remembers. She remembers her, but not their relationship. Oh god, how is she going to explain everything? How is she going to help her remember everything? Remember them ?
“Uh… yes, I am. I’m glad you remember me at least.” Kate replies weakly.
Lucy observes Kate for a moment before answering. Kate tenses under the scrutiny and hopes that Lucy can’t tell how pathetic she feels at the moment. “Doc says I’ve forgotten the last 2 and a half years. Did we… are we… more to each other now?” Lucy asks with hesitation.
“Yes, we are… more to each other” Kate says with a soft self-deprecating laugh.
“We’re not one of those ‘it’s complicated’ things are we?” Lucy says with a scrunched up expression.
“No. No we’re not. We’re… girlfriends.” Although ‘girlfriends’ feels too weak of a word to describe what they have. Too weak to describe how irrevocably in love Kate is with Lucy, how in love she has been for a long time. Too weak to describe the way Lucy looks up at Kate when she laughs at one of Lucy’s stupid jokes, her deep brown eyes twinkling with endearment and the knowledge that she’s the one that cracked through Whistler’s icy exterior. That she’s the one Kate melts for every day.
‘Girlfriends’ is not a title that can accurately describe how far they’ve come in their relationship. All the trials and tribulations, all the pain, heartbreak and forgiveness. ‘Girlfriends’ doesn’t describe the magnetic attraction pulling them together despite their initial efforts to stay apart; ‘girlfriends’ doesn’t mention the work they both continually put in to make sure neither feels unloved and unimportant ever again.
But Lucy doesn’t remember any of that.
“Hmmm,” Lucy ponders, looking up, as if she’s searching her brain for any memory to support this ‘girlfriend’ relationship Kate has described. “How’d that end up happening? Last I remember, you were only in town for a couple of days when we met, and uh…” A blush creeps up again on Lucy’s neck. She clears her throat and continues, “Are we long distance girlfriends?”
Kate explains, “No. I moved here from DC six months after we met to work at Pearl Harbor. I’m DIA and you’re NCIS, so we work together a lot and that’s how we… ya.”
“Wow, so that’s what you did.” Lucy looks more in thought again. “Huh, what a small world.”
“Yes, it really is.” Kate replies with a small smile.
“So, how’d we end up dating regularly? Did you finally figure out how amazing I was after being in my proximity all the time?” Lucy waggles her eyebrows in delight.
“Actually, yes— that is basically what happened,” Kate chuckles weakly. “We were uh, on and off, because dating someone you worked with seemed complicated for us at the time, especially since we were both new at our respective jobs.” Kate smiles at the memory as she tells Lucy their story. Kate continues to detail how they would be enemies at work until she couldn’t hold herself back one night and kissed Lucy.
“And then we started dating?”
“Actually, no, I asked you to forget about it and to pretend it didn’t happen. Then there was a case where we were butting heads again…” Kate pauses and smiles fondly at the memory, “After that case, you came to me in the parking lot and thanked me for helping. We kissed again that day and then started dating officially then.
“Oh, so we’ve been together for… 2 years then?” Lucy looks up as she does the math in her head.
“Uhm… well.. It’s complicated.” Kate berates herself again for all these half-assed explanations that must be making Lucy even more confused.
“You just said it wasn’t.”
“Well, we broke up in between and got back together 6 months ago. Now it isn’t complicated.” Kate says with her head hung low, the mistakes of her past making her feel guilty even though Lucy has already forgiven her. How the hell is she going to go through all of that again? What if this Lucy doesn’t forgive her when Kate explains?
“So you say, but this on and off thing sounds complicated.” Lucy says. At first Kate thinks that she’s messing all of this up—that now Lucy has a bad impression of their relationship already and it’s only been a couple of minutes. It isn’t until she looks up that she sees Lucy’s expression is light and cheerful, that Lucy was merely teasing.
“I can explain it in more detail another time.” Kate is emotionally exhausted already, and she’s not sure she’d be able to get through telling Lucy the betrayal and heartbreak Kate caused with her assumptions and omissions. She’ll be sure to be completely honest again but she’s not sure exactly when Lucy decided to eventually forgive her. Will she have to serenade her again? What if that doesn’t work this time? It took so many confrontations, discussions, tears and months for Lucy to forgive Whistler. What if this Lucy doesn’t believe her?
“Okay, I believe you, DIA officer Whistler.”
“Actually I’m FBI now.”
“Alright, you really got to work on telling your amnesiac girlfriend the full picture to prevent these follow up questions.”
Kate cringes, “Sorry, I’m just—”
“Hey relax, I’m kidding. I know a lot has happened in these 2.5 years I’m missing but hopefully with time and your help I’ll start to remember.” Lucy asks with a sad, but hopeful look in her eyes.
Kate replies earnestly, “Yes, of course. Whatever you need. I’m here.” Kate is so grateful that Lucy sounds optimistic at least. She looks into Lucy’s eyes and remembers her priorities— making sure Lucy is doing well physically, the memory stuff can be sorted out slowly. “Doctor says you should stay here a couple of more nights at least to monitor your brain activity and swelling but after that you can come home.”
“Oh, we live together?”
____
When Lucy is finally discharged from the hospital, Kate is extremely nervous the whole drive home. Lucy seems to be fine with the idea of living with Kate, but what if she really isn’t? After all, Kate’s still fairly a stranger and it must be so overwhelming to live with someone you don’t really know all that well.
After giving Lucy a tour of their apartment, Kate starts to explain where Lucy can find extra toiletries and towels in the closet. By now, Kate’s voice starts wavering and Kate looks visibly uncomfortable while she talks.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Lucy asks.
“Nothing.” Kate says too quickly and Lucy just gives her a pointed look to pry the truth out of Kate.
“Well, are you sure you’re okay with this? I know this must be so weird for you to go home with a stranger. I know that you don’t have your old place anymore but if it gets too weird I’m sure you can crash with someone else or we can book a hotel room for a couple of days, and-”
Lucy interrupts Kate’s rambling with a hand on her arm, “Hey, stop that. I’m perfectly fine with living with you, I trust you. Besides, how am I supposed to regain my memories if I’m not going through my usual routine and living in my usual home? Didn’t you promise to take care of me?” Lucy slowly strokes Kate's arm in a gesture that Kate assumes is to comfort her but makes Kate stiffen, hyper aware of Lucy’s contact against her skin.
Kate is looking down at Lucy’s hand and can feel the heat radiating from her, “I—yes, of course I want to take care of you. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way. Whatever you want.”
“What I want is for you to stop spouting weird excuses and just relax. You’re so wound up. Just because I have amnesia doesn’t mean I’m fragile. I’m fine, really.” Lucy stares directly into Kate’s eyes and gives her a confident smile.
Kate lets out a deep sigh she didn’t realize she was holding and tries to reflect the confidence back towards Lucy with her own smile. “Alright.”
Later that night, they have a fairly quiet dinner together. Kate orders pizza and although she despises pineapples - she makes half the slices contain that forbidden topping for Lucy’s palette. Lucy is clearly quite pleased with Kate’s dinner selection, happily humming as she chews in thought. It almost feels like a first date, with the jittery nerves and polite conversation filling the room. Lucy must’ve sensed Kate’s discomfort at having to explain their “complicated” relationship before and only asks mundane, easy to answer questions such as favorite color and contexts about work. Kate is grateful for this reprieve and gladly entertains all of Lucy’s inquiries. A few jokes are cracked in between eating and things feel light-hearted despite the situation they’re in.
Afterwards, Kate insists that Lucy go shower first and that she’ll clean up dinner. Lucy protests initially but relents when she admits to feeling gross from her long hospital stay. Most of her bandages can come off now and she whines a bit about how itchy her stitches are.
When Lucy comes out of the shower, she’s barefoot and towel drying her hair as she walks down the hall towards Kate seated on the couch. Lucy is dressed in soft flannel pants and a form fitting shirt. Half of Lucy’s head is shaved from the surgery and although the stitches along her scalp are visible, they look clean and without infection.
“The water pressure here is SO much better than the one at my old place, no wonder I moved in.” Lucy comments with a bright smile.
Kate chuckles as she puts down the book she was reading, “Yes, you also said that the first time you used my shower.” She also starts listing additional perks Lucy has said to her before with her fingers, “You also like the washer/dryer here, the balcony with the ocean view and how this is closer to our work.”
“Huh, ya sounds like me. The washer/dryer at my apartment was communal and it’s always so hard getting a spot with everyone else in the building. More convenient to just use the dry cleaner’s down the block.”
Kate smiles at how relaxed Lucy seems to be around her, maybe Kate does need to calm down about this whole thing. She should be following Lucy’s lead anyways, and Lucy looks comfortable with Kate’s presence.
“You should head to bed now and get some rest. I’ll be out here if you need me.” Kate indicates to the couch she’s sitting on with her hand, fitted with sheets on top and a pillow on the side.
Lucy protests, “What no! You can’t sleep out here. I can take the couch, I’m half your size and there’s no way you’re gonna be comfortable fully stretched out on here.”
“No, really it’s okay, I’ve slept fine on the couch before.” Kate semi-lies, she has fallen asleep easily on the couch after working some late nights and hard cases, but she leaves out how she usually gets up and heads to the bedroom halfway through the night for better comfort.
“No, this is your place too and—well, what’s wrong with sharing the bed? We’ve done it before and I remember that part very clearly even if I don’t remember anything else.” Lucy says casually, but the blood rushing to her cheeks betray her lax demeanor.
Kate is shocked by the nonchalance of Lucy’s words and she can’t help it if her face also turns bright red from the memory. She opens and closes her mouth a couple times to reply but nothing comes out. Still reeling from the shock of Lucy’s words, she finally stammers out, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, of course.” Lucy nods with her hands on her jutting hips in what seems to be a small victory pose.
Kate just huffs in defeat, and looks down at her hands to control her emotions about Lucy looking so damn cute. Honestly, Kate should have seen this coming—she could never say no to Lucy Tara.
When they finally turn in for the night, Kate is facing out the bedroom window with her back towards Lucy. Kate can hear rustling from the other side of the bed and can feel Lucy’s body heat inch closer. Lucy must’ve rolled over on her side to face Kate, that must be why Kate can now smell the vanilla of Lucy’s shampoo and feel Lucy’s breath on her neck. Kate takes deep even breaths to pretend to sleep and to tamp down the Pavlovian response her body has towards Lucy’s while in bed. She wants to be respectful of Lucy’s space and the fact that she probably wouldn’t want to cuddle with a girlfriend she has no memories of. When it comes to contact, Kate wants to go at Lucy’s pace, and wait for her to initiate first.
It’s not just about being touched, Kate misses holding Lucy close at night. She misses the feeling of Lucy’s head tucked under her chin, her arm holding Kate’s waist, and even Lucy’s cold feet against her ankles. She reminds herself that this might be the new normal for the next while, and if Kate can get through college, grad school, DOD and FBI—she can get through just sleeping next to her amnesiac girlfriend.
It is only until Kate can hear Lucy’s breathing even out that she loosens the death grip on her pillow. She focuses on counting each of Lucy’s exhale to calm her mind and finally drift to sleep.