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Being a father to three boys could never be easy. That much was easy to understand, Phil had created a home full of love and warmth, a place for these three boys to develop and grow into individuals with the gentle guidance of their dad behind them, it couldn’t be easy, definitely not.
That’s what Tommy had always told himself in moments like this anyways, a sort of reassurance to himself, normally before bed. His bedroom was spacious, it had the flair and had grown up with him, his room was something that was literally made for him, creme walls were littered with posters of bands and movies that he loved with many photos of himself and his loved ones. A soft warmth emitted from the plug in fairy lights that had been strung up all along his walls, held up by tape of all things. Laying in the middle of all these walls was Tommy himself, clutching onto his beloved stuffed cow for any sort of comfort, this seemed to be a lot more common than he was used to before.
Phil loved all of his children, but equally was different, it wasn't something intentional at all. The twins, Technoblade and Wilbur were both well known, whether that being Techno’s academic strength and his athletic rewards or Wilbur’s sharp wit and musical compositions, the twins were worth being proud of. They were both met with joy and reassuring smiles when they came home. Their friend group was something well crafted and created between utmost respect and humour, there was respect and it was like a second family at times. Sometimes Tommy would sit with them during lunch when Tubbo and Ranboo were busy, they were always acceptable and welcomed the boy into their circle when he needed it. They were a second home for Wilbur and Technoblade, even if Techno wasn’t as loud about it all the time.
Tommy had his trio and a few others that he wasn't as close to, he loved his friends he really did, but it wasn’t his home. He saw Tubbo and Ranboo as home of course they were like his siblings, they were always his home but never the one he wanted.
After such an overwhelming day he wanted the comfort of his home and what came with it, the cheap takeaway and the laughter that his home could provide, he wanted love, for his dad to be more proud of him. It wasn't that phil wasn't proud of him, he was proud of all three of his sons, but seeing the sparkle in his eyes whenever Will would come home with a new rejoice over a grade or a new achievement with music, or when Techno would come home from competitions with trophies in hand from sporting events; Phil’s eyes would light up with joy, something so full of love and praise. Tommy had none of those things, he’d come home empty handed every single time he’d even attempt to turn towards those things. He had given up on piano as a whole after the last competition left him in third place, Phil had still congratulated him and cheered him on, but the spark wasn’t there for him, it was never for him. Never for Tommy.
After coming home with only a C grade in geography, he was in low spirits to say the least.
And so there he was, moping on his carpeted floor. Alone. Well, not alone, Henry was here with him. Henry was always by his side in these moments, he was his biggest supporter after all. The biggest problem now however, was how he was supposed to come to the dinner table with very obvious red rimmed eyes from his previous… hay fever reaction. (it was not crying Tommy has never cried. Ever.) After being called down for dinner with a simple knock from Techno, it left him in a bit of a panic, so here he was, trying to “freshen” himself up by lying on the floor, it normally worked. Normally, however, it didn't seem to work as well.
As Tommy took his seat next to Wilbur at the table he tried to keep his energy up, make anything suspicious on the down low, he’s like an agent, secret agent. Conversation fluttered around him, as Will seemed to recount everything in his day from waking up to the small things like how Jack had somehow tripped on a pen of all things.
Will talked with his hands, acting out every motion when he talked, the callus that littered the fingerprints of his hands were always present.
Tommy always liked Wilbur’s rambles, they were consistent, something to fill the air when he couldn’t. Techno’s recounting of the day was shorter, but simple. Techno was someone filled with love, energy and excitement just like his brothers, he just had different ways of expressing such. Techno had his usual classes and went about his day, the occasional story of Dream still trying to win against him came up but that was the usual for him now. As much as Techno hated to admit, Dream had become a recognisable face amongst the Watson household.
Then it was Tommy’s turn, and silence had seemed to take up the room easier than ever.
“Toms?” Phil had questioned, normally once it came to his turn there;d be no end for him, he could go on, and on about the events of the day. The silence was worrying to say the least.
The entire time, Tommy had seemed more focused on the steamed broccoli on his plate than anything. At the mention of his name, the ongoing battle with his broccoli had come to an end, looking up to see all eyes on him, which was honestly nerve wracking after his previous… allergy issue.
“Yeah?”
“Your day Tommy, how was it?”
Nevermind, the battle with the broccoli continues it seems, as Tommy could only look back down at his plate to stab the victims with his fork once again. “Erm, yeah. It was good, Tubbo and Ranboo baked muffins for lunch to share, they were nice.” The muffins were nice, although Tommy wasn’t the biggest fan of blueberries, they were nice in the muffins. Tommy couldn’t really think about his day with the less than delightful grade from geography; it wasn’t like Phil was going to be disappointed, he was never one to force his kids into doing things they’re unhappy with, but when you’re in a house with a bunch of high grade students, it was hard not to let the grade grip him so tightly.
With that, the ongoing battle came to a close, with a drop of his fork he finally looked back up, blue eyes meeting brown as he looked at Techno, the other in question could only give him a questioning look, worried slightly if you knew him with further inspections. Quiet Tommy was always a worry, especially with such a glum expression. The boy normally filled rooms with his laughter, a ray of sunshine as his friends would call him.
“I think I’m done eating, can I go to my room?”
Tommy was generally polite but to such an extent with his family was a concern, he’d normally excuse himself with the rest of the table, bouncing to finally go sit for a few hours with the rest of them.
With a simple nod and a soft smile from Phil, Tommy went back to his floor with Henry, just like a few hours prior.
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Techno was the first to speak after the blonde had left.
“So I’m not the only one that found that odd right?”
With a sigh in response and a worried expression, Phil leaned back in his seat slightly as he tried to figure out what was wrong.
Wilbur was also in thought, leaning against the table to find a resolve.
“There was nothing wrong with him during lunch, not that I was aware of anyways. He was laughing and arguing with his own table like usual.”
And so the three sat and tried to think of what had dimmed their sunshine so much, forgetting entirely that there were dishes to do and things to clean up.
Techno had stood up, the screech of his chair making Will flinch slightly, “I’m going upstairs, I’m not letting him sit in his own sorrow like a loser like that.” with monotone words with hinted humour, the pink hair swished past them and up the steps to finally land on Tommy’s door.
Tommy’s door was a mix of things, originally painted white like the rest of the house doors, before splatters of red and a small messy handprint matching that of a younger Tommy’s hands when he had decided that the white door was “ruining the Tommy brand.”
Three firm knocks before a muffled “Come in!” followed by some rustling came from inside.
“You okay Thesus?” Techno had asked upon entry, before slowly panning his view to the floor as Tommy had seemed to situate himself there, one hand on his phone and the other on the stuffed cow that had been a gift from when he was younger. The red rimmed eyes were much more apparent in the warm glow of the boy’s room, curled up in the centre of his rug. Blue eyes peered up at brown, that was always something had found cool since he was young, with Will and Techno being twins they had the same colour of eyes, but Will’s had glittered gold specs whilst Techno’s seemed to gleam a dark red in light.
“Yeah I’m fine, Big men like me have no issues Tech.” With a strained smile and a humourless laugh to follow his words, Techno could only stare back with knowing before huffing and shutting the door behind him, soon finding a comfortable spot on the same rug.
“Tommy, your lying skills are awful. Cough it up kid.”
Tommy could only sigh in defeat and sit up to look at the pink haired boy sitting across from him. “I flunked my test and it sucks.” Tommy had murmured out before tears had begun to spring back into his eyes, holding the cow in his lap with clenched hands. Techno, personally, couldn’t understand what the problem was. Tommy had flunked tests before, so have him and Wilbur, it wasn’t a massive issue in their house regardless, as long as they did their best that’s all that mattered to Phil.
“So?”
“What do you mean ‘So?’ Techno?! This isn’t just a small thing just because it’s not a big deal to you!”
Right okay, maybe not the best thing he could’ve said in return he’d admit that. Muted sadness had now turned into a fiery anger, and that wasn’t the most ideal of things.
“Tommy it isn’t anything like that, I’m just saying, you’ve flunked tests before.”
And what had seemed to be the edge had finally broken, the dams had broken and Tommy’s tears were now sitting beside the constant fire that the boy had. Murmured words of exasperation had now turned into full and loud yells.
“You don’t need to remind me! I know I’m the failure out of us and you don’t need to rub it in my face!” Tommy spat venom, words that were meant to hurt, whether himself or others, that was one of the many traits he’d picked up from his brown haired brother unknowingly, the two together ended in screaming matches that were heard throughout the entire house. There was never a moment of silence in the house, regardless if that were negative or positive. Tommy’s words tumbled as soon as he started off, and they continued, “You think you’re so much better than me and I know it! I dont need you shitty fucking pity! You can go fucking shove it Technoblade.” Tommy was many things, but he hated the idea of being pitied, and he certainly didn’t need it from his brother of all people. Tommy spat venom and his main intention was to hurt, he spoke words in those moments.
An exhale of breath was all Tommy had in return from his rolling anger, Techno had years of trying to control such anger that appeared from his younger teenage years, and Tommy would not be getting the reaction he wanted from Technoblade.
Phil and Wilbur were probably concerned with all the shouting that had suddenly exploded from the upstairs room, their walls were thin and normally that would be a blessing for Will’s quiet strums that accompanied the lonely nights; but for situations like this it only made arguments more nerve wracking.
“Tommy, I understand you’re upset, and that’s okay. Can you explain what happened?”
Techno’s words were calm, per usual his monotone voice led strongly in his conversation, hoping to bring high tensions down before Tommy took it too far during his failure.
The boy’s sniffles and heavy breathing soon came to a slow as he finally spoke, mumbling slightly as he wiped his tears with his sweater sleeve (it was definitely one of Will’s sweaters, hence the funny design printed in wool on the front), with snot and such debris being swept away on the material. “I got a shitty grade in geography and it just… sucks because Will and you are just always so smart and i can’t even come home with a decent grade in a stupid fucking subject, and you’re gonna make fun of me because it’s so stupid but i just wanted Phil to be proud of me like he is with you and i just can’t understand why it’s so hard and i just want to be like you and Will and it’s so, so fucking stupid and i just-”
Before Tommy could continue to hyperventilate throughout his ramble of events, Techno took the blonde’s clean sleeve and took the boy’s hand gently, soft and slow as to not disrupt the boy too quickly, not to frighten but to instead sooth, just like Phil would do for any of them.
“Theseus, you should’ve told us instead of keeping it to yourself. You know that does no good, and none of us would’ve made fun of you for wanting help.” Techno’s words were low and gentle, keeping each word fluent for the other’s current messed mind. Despite what the boy said, Tommy was the heart and soul of the family, the sun that warmed the family, the most freely emotional of the family. Tommy was what the kiss of spring was, he was the gentle, he was the fire. How could they let their sunflower wilt in such conditions?
Tommy merely squeezed the hand Techno offered, the sniffles and choked breaths began returning back to minimal, with the heavy and reassuring hand of his brother’s to guide him. “I just wanted to be like you and Will.”
And god if those words didn’t shatter Techno’s heart.
“But Theseus, you’re you, you can’t be us.”
“ That’s the worst part Tech .”
His little brother seemed so sure in his words, a sense of finality behind each word of such a simple sentence, and that seemed like the worst part of it all. He couldn’t possibly understand, what he saw as the sun on stormy days, had never seemed so dim to him.
“Theseus, you can’t possibly mean that. You are so much more than us, you are so much more than what this world could ever have given in payment.”
That seemed to break the poor boy even further, streams of tears that had been fought back were now all being released at once, every wall he had tried to keep up had broken at once, anguish and deeply ingrained insecurities were now all for those to see. With a murmur of words, Tommy was now showered with love, the pink hair falling around him as if a curtain to contain the boy, holding him close in an embrace, whispered assurances fell onto open ears, with the steady heartbeat of his brother to pilot him to land in safety.
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It had been a while since Techno had made his way up to Tommy’s room, the silence that fell after the storm of yelling was deafening. Phil was worried to say the least, with Wilbur in no better condition either. The droning of the TV rambling about some random nature documentary was the only thing to fill in the silence.
Wilbur had stood the entire time, pacing on his feet in front of the stairs, glancing up at the room occasionally with a heavy sigh occasionally.
“Right! I’m going up there!” The brunette had decided and stormed his way up the same stairs he had danced with the entire time waiting. Phil could only stand and follow after his son, up the stairs and into the path of Tommy’s room.
With the abrupt opening of Tommy’s door, WIlbur peered inside slowly before pausing and opening the door fully. Phil peered his head beside the others and could only smile at the sight.
There, laid on the carpeted rug of Tommy’s warming glow was the boy himself, laying on Techno’s thighs, strands of hair nestled happily in Techno’s hands, detangling the storm of curls. With a sheet in hand that he had somehow managed to fish out of somewhere, he looked up and nodded. “Theseus here, was anxious about his grades. Said he wanted to be like us, didn’t wanna disappoint Phil.” Techno spoke, a huff of breath as he turned the paper around, showing the C grade stamped loudly in red.
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The light chattering around him had woken Tommy up. The hand in his hair had continued to move despite being asleep for the last ten minutes or so.
Slowly blinking the light into normality again, he lazily looked towards his father. He couldn’t spark up the energy to cry and question again, and Phil had seemed to understand. Phil always understood afterall.
“Oh my dear boy, you’re exhausted aren’t you?” his father’s words soft as he caressed away the tear tracklines that seemed to litter the younger’s face. Tommy could only give a small nod in agreement, he was exhausted. Mentally and physically it seemed.
“Toms, why didn’t you ask for help? You know geography was something I could help you with.” Wilbur had tried to reason, although it had come out as more of a whine than anything. Of course Wilbur understood, he had put his resentment towards his twin’s skills past him long ago, but he understood regardless of the fear of expectations. Having a brother at the age of 12 when insecurities grew, where ugly envy grew was tough; especially since Will loved his brother so dearly.
Silence with the occasional ruffle of paper or clothes seemed to echo in the room whilst Tommy had tried to form his words properly, his brain was still scrambled and that made everything so incredibly difficult. He opened his mouth before closing it again right after, the dry scratching of his throat was only making things worse. He didn’t want to display his insecurities so loudly in front of the people he loved the most, he didn’t want any of that.
What if they started seeing him differently? What if they laugh at him? What if they’re mad at him for not trying harder? Was he not trying hard enough, was that it?
e couldn’t possibly understand. He didn’t want to explain, he didn’t want any of this, call him selfish or whatever name you could possibly tack onto him, call him whatever!
Tommy was confused and that was the worse part.
Has thinking and explaining his words ever been so difficult? Wilbur’s words were always so fluent, articulating like spells that danced like an orchestra following their ballerina, he sounded so aware and sure of himself, confident in what he spoke of. Techno’s words were little yet so crucially impactful, they were strong, they complimented one another in a charade of dance, gleaming gold and pretty with gems, confident in what he spoke of. Phil’s words, his father, his guidance, words soothed injuries that seemed life threatening, he spoke of genuinity as if birds could forever fly in the south’s winds, free forevermore, confident in what he spoke of.
So what was he in all of this? He was the storm that was created to balance the house. His words were screeches, screams, anything to bring attention to him , himself, he was fire and the flame, he was what the earth brought to destroy itself. He was never confident in what he spoke of. Completely contradictory of what he had shown the world, he wanted what he could never have nor never achieve.
And that was the worst part.
That was the worst part about Tom. He could never find a resolve to all of this.
Tommy swallowed as to try to gain some sort of grounding, trying to bring himself back to the conversation, “I… I didn’t want help. Wanted to do something for myself for once.” that wasn’t right. It wasn’t what he wanted to say at all.
Will’s frown only seemed to deepen as he peered at the curled up blonde, Phil could only smooth comforting lines on the boy’s face, trying to show some sort of comfort, some sort of direction for Tommy to go in.
“Sunshine, you’re always doing things trying to be independent, let us help, please.” Wilbur tried to stress, tried to reason, tried to do something for the boy to acknowledge the hand reaching out for him. However, Wilbur’s words seemed to only make him more anxious, looking anywhere to try to break the overwhelming eye contact from all sides of his family. He didn’t want to be selfish anymore, why couldn’t they understand that? Shouldn’t that be a blessing? Tears had fallen without Tommy’s approval before he knew it, sniffling and crying. “S-sorry I don’t know why I’m still crying.” this was all so dumb, he wanted the night to end with just a shitty grade and leave it at that.
“Oh toms come here love.” Phil had said, trying to get the boy to sit up to hug him properly, hoping to give some sort of comfort.
Once Tommy was sat up, he was instantly held like he was the most precious thing on earth, shattered glass that was held together with string. He was held like he was loved and that hurt, it hurt so much.
Tommy cried again, sobbed in fear, in desperation , he had lost count of how many times he had shed tears tonight, gripping onto his father’s shirt like it was a lifeline. With a heavy hand, rubbing the sobbing boy’s back, rhythmic in assurance. “I just wanted you to be proud.” Tommy had whispered, voice muffled and barely audible to anyone besides those in the room who held onto each word like it was the gospel.
“Toms, I’m so proud of you. We’re all so incredibly proud of you dove. My sweet little dove, why can’t you see?” Phil whispered back, words always so comforting like the sage green his father usually wore, vines wrapped around him, but to hold him close and warm instead of choking.
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The night ended in tears, reconciling and understanding amongst everyone. A needed talk between them all, between all the feuds and envy that had once circled amongst the house. Words were shared, words were understood.
And if the night ended in everyone falling asleep on Tommy’s floor, that was a secret (even if Phil continued to complain about his back and how the wooden floors were “A pain in the ass.”)
Tommy began to go to Will for help on geography and English now, going to Techno for things such as poetry and any sort of history. Phil was always there to pick him up and make hot drinks and snacks to keep his energy alive, putting plasters over past grazes when Tommy doubted himself.
Tommy was achieving what he wanted for grades in school now, with the constant reminder that he didn’t have to prove himself to anyone, not his friends, not to his family, it was all for himself now, and he couldn’t be happier.