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Sunny was in the hospital.
He had been there for six days. And for six days, Kel had made the trek across town to be by his side. Four of those days, he had been alone.
It had been the day after the incident at Basil’s house that Sunny had hobbled his way to Basil’s hospital room and spoken the first full sentence Kel had heard from him in four years.
“I have to tell you something.”
Kel could’ve never in a million years guessed where Sunny had been going with that. That Sunny and Basil could have been capable of that. Part of him wished that Sunny hadn’t said anything at all. This new revelation came in like a tsunami, bringing with it devastation and destruction. The friend group that had days prior, promised not to leave each other, was once again fracturing.
He could remember it clearly. Sunny and Basil’s relief, gained from sharing such a heavy secret, was short lived as the consequences of the decision became clear. Aubrey left first. No one tried to stop her. Even if they had tried, it would have been no use. Kel had seen her expression. It was clear from the way she bit her lip that she was holding back, and Kel wasn’t sure what. Tears? Fury? Probably both, knowing her. Aubrey knew herself well enough to know when to remove herself from a situation.
His brother Hero, took a bit longer. The terrible, suffocating silence lingered far too long for Kel’s liking. But there was nothing to say. Hero had tried to choke out a few words. Actually, he had tried to stop Sunny entirely and blame the confession on whatever medications the hospital staff had pumped him full of. But Sunny wouldn’t stop, and so Hero had shut up and listened.
Kel knew his brother, probably better than anyone. He knew what a broken man looked like. He recognized that blank expression very well. His face slowly shifted as he tried to process what he had heard. The corners of his lips tugged downwards. His eyebrows furrowed. Kel expected to see tears too, and yet there were none. Instead of crying, he stood up and headed for the door. At the time, Kel had been the one to break the silence.
“Hero…”
“…I…have some thinking to do.” Those were the only words he left them.
And then there was one. Only one person left who hadn’t been present at the time of Mari’s death. Only one person in the room who was free of guilt. One person who should have walked out right there to go talk to his brother, or check on Aubrey.
One person who didn’t do either of those things. One fool who stayed.
It has been four days since Sunny has revealed the truth behind Mari’s sudden death. It has been four days since Hero has said more than a few words to him. Kel stands in one of the many bathrooms of the hospital and views his reflection.
For some reason, he doesn’t quite look or feel like himself. Kel thinks it’s strange to look in the mirror and see a stranger. There’s nothing off about his outward apperance at all, and yet Kel can’t shake the feeling that something is horribly wrong.
His teeth are brushed. His hair is combed, though a bit sloppily. Sure, he rushed when getting dressed, but that was normal for him. Was it because he wasn’t smiling that he looked so foreign to himself? No one could smile all the time. He wasn’t a robot, after all. Just a human.
And this human mindset was the reason why Kel was once again in the hospital to see Sunny. He’d visit Basil too, of course, once he was finished talking the boy’s ear off. Sunny would fall asleep listening to his rambles, and Kel would race off to spend time with Basil. This was his daily routine. A daily routine that was causing him to miss out on a summer out in the sub. A routine that was beginning to create another rift between him and Aubrey. Between him and his brother.
Kel understands why Aubrey and Hero are upset. Truthfully, he is too. Kel wants to scream and cry too. He wants to lock himself away, even for a day, and take the time to process his thoughts alone. But he cannot leave. For he fears that halting his daily visits could mean the end of Basil. The end of Sunny.
Sunny and Basil are human, like the rest of them. They weren’t monsters. Emotions were powerful things. Kel gets that. He’s understood that more than ever, since that day after Mari’s death that Hero had snapped at him. And despite how upset he felt with Aubrey at the lake, he now understands that she had only pushed Basil out of frustration, looking for an escape. It hadn’t been malicious. And what Sunny and Basil did…it hadn’t been malicious either. They’re only human. And humans are social creatures, so…Kel couldn’t leave them on their own. They were fragile, and despite how angry and betrayed they all felt…no one in their group could handle losing anyone else. They’d suffered enough loss and heartache for a lifetime.
Kel had forgiven them the same day they confessed. He’s sure that Hero and Aubrey will come around soon. After all, they had just promised to be there for each other.
They’ll all be together again soon.
But for now, Kel’s the only one trying to hold them together, and he finally understands why he feels so off.
It’s exhaustion.
Not the physical kind that he felt from long practices spent running suicides and going through drills in preparation for his basketball team tryouts. No, this was something else entirely.
He reaches for the faucet. Cold water begins to run from it, and he cups his hands underneath it to catch the running water.
This exhaustion comes from deep within him. It’s emotional. The realization washes over him just like the rushing water. He’s just so tired. Tired of being the cheerful one. Tired of being the one who bounces back the fastest. But he can’t renounce this title, because this is what’s expected of him. He can’t bear to imagine Sunny’s disappointment if he hadn’t come to visit, or Basil’s expression if he were to realize that Kel, the only one who had remained on that day, wasn’t coming back.
He doesn’t even know if he really forgives them. But he still smiled and told them so, maybe not so much for them as for himself. For the sake of everyone else. Aubrey and Hero weren’t speaking to Sunny and Basil, but Kel was in contact with all four. Admittedly, not much considering Hero and Aubrey brush off his attempts to discuss what they heard, but it’s something. He’s trying. He’s trying so damn hard, and for what?
Why does he feel responsible for them? Sunny’s fate has nothing to do with him. He isn’t his keeper or his babysitter. Perhaps he resents Sunny and Basil for putting them in this situation in the first place. Resents Sunny for telling them the truth when they had finally started to move past it.
He wants to go home and skip this visit. Why should he put on a brave face and smile for Basil? For Sunny? He should be like Aubrey and Hero, and get to isolate himself from everyone just for a few days. Sunny would get it, or at least Kel thinks he should, considering how long he stayed locked up in his house. But will there even be a Sunny to return to if Kel doesn’t arrive tomorrow to provide some sense of comfort in what is no doubt one of the worst weeks of Sunny’s life?
Kel isn’t responsible for what happens to him, or anyone else and yet…
Smile, he thinks to himself.
He splashes his face with water. One, two, and finally three times, just to snap himself out of whatever awful daze he’s entered. This isn’t him. At least, this isn’t the him that he wants his friends to see. For the fourth time this week, he stands in front of the mirror practicing, using the tips of his fingers to forcibly turn the corners of his mouth upwards. He’s practicing for their sake, ensuring they don’t have to see another gloomy face that day.
It’s all for their sake. His own feelings are pushed down to a place he can’t reach. Not here. Not now.
Kel only leaves the bathroom once he’s certain that it’s convincing enough to make them believe that he truly wants to be there. As usual, he knocks three times before reaching for the knob and turning it, slowly entering the room. His eyes are on the pale boy in the bed, who seems to scramble to sit up upon seeing Kel’s face. Sunny will not say much today either, Kel is sure of it. He will just listen, as he always does. And instead of opening up about his feelings, Kel will find something meaningless to ramble about until Sunny can rest. This was his daily routine.
“Hey Sunny. Missed me?” He grins as wide as he can, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He thinks Sunny can probably tell, but neither of them will address it. There’s no need to. It’ll all be over soon, he tells himself. He’ll stitch their little group back together on his own if he must.
Everything is for them.