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I.
It started off just a few days after Hyunjin introduced his boyfriend to his friend group. Hyunjin wasn’t a person who had many relationships and even with the ones he had before, he had never once introduced them to his friends. So him bringing Chan to their weekly night outs was a big thing. Huge thing, even. He could sense how surprised his friends were when he told them he wanted to bring his boyfriend along. Jeongin even asked for clarification about the said boyfriend being real, flesh and blood.
Hyunjin understood the reason. He wasn’t a guy who liked bragging about his relationship. That was until he started dating Chan though. As dramatic as it was, he actually felt the air around him shift when he agreed to go on a date with Chan. At that exact moment, he knew that he wouldn’t be the same person he was before he knew Chan. The idea had thrilled him, in all the good ways.
Them starting to date was a quick decision, because they just clicked . It was instantly obvious how they were made for each other. Hyunjin even told Chan a few months into their relationship that if soulmates were real, they definitely were one. There was no other explanation to the way he felt when Chan grabbed his hand to greet him when they first met.
Chan had laughed at him, but said, “You are my soulmate”.
Whether or not he would introduce Chan to his closest friends wasn’t even on the table. It was a question of when . And he thought, the sooner the better.
Yes, they were surprised. Again, they thought he was joking. It all made Hyunjin laugh wildly and want to show his boyfriend off more. Because they were right, Hyunjin also thought Chan was too good to be real and he bit down on his lips with a smile as Jeongin and Felix started chatting with Chan, trying to get to know the man Hyunjin was down for.
The restaurant was cozy, dinner was delicious, he was with the people he loved the most and they were sharing stories with each other. He felt on top of everything.
Sooner than Hyunjin wanted though, the night ended, with Chan excusing himself first as he was going to be busy from early morning the following day. Hyunjin let him go with a peck on his lips, and then he was alone with his friends.
“Hyunjin,” Minho said and the tone brought a pause to all the positive emotions Hyunjin had on the climb. “When did you meet this guy?”
Back then, Hyunjin had been 20 and more naive than he would admit. Back then, he felt like his friends trusted his judgment more.
Even though he felt like he was being given the protective mom act, completely unasked for and unnecessary, he smiled, and answered all of their questions honestly. He couldn’t help but notice the concerned faces of their friends and he didn’t understand.
“I will be honest with you,” Minho said as he was dropping Hyunjin off, deciding that the lecture they gave him in the restaurant wasn’t enough. “I don’t trust him.”
Back then, Hyunjin thought he would have friends forever.
II.
Soon came a point where Chan was all Hyunjin knew and cared about. He woke up next to Chan, ate with Chan, did everything he could with Chan and the things that he couldn’t do with him, he did them with Chan on his mind. His boyfriend was also as in love as he was, and there was nothing to complain about.
At least that’s how he viewed it. He didn’t realize that others had different ideas until the worried looks from his friends turned into pity and disappointment, and the protective conversations got too frequent for Hyunjin to call them anything but reprimanding.
They started falling out.
Well, to be more exact, Hyunjin started falling out. Out of their friend group and out of each of their lives.
It was not an easy decision, but when all Hyunjin would hear when he met his best friends in the world was how Chan “might not be for him”, the time they spent started feeling like torture. Hyunjin started feeling so pressured and on edge whenever he was with the people he had known his entire life and felt at home with the most.
The worst of all was that what they were saying was completely baseless. Hyunjin tried pushing those words aside in the name of the good faith he had towards them but at the end, the pile of irrelevant shittalking got to him.
He asked them what was making them say all this shit. Why did they have a problem with his boyfriend when he made Hyunjin so happy? What were they actually trying to do?
Sure, he came off a bit too harsh. He knew it, but he didn’t care. Maybe he would feel a bit bad for raising his voice if the answer he received wasn’t “We can just feel it,” from Felix.
“He’s just off,” Jeongin supported.
It made Hyunjin fume. What followed was the biggest argument Hyunjin had ever found himself in. He didn’t like what he turned into when he heard those words. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t understand it. Why would they be so against Hyunjin being with his literal soulmate? Why were they so adamant on pulling Hyunjin down to where he had been before he met Chan? Why would they try to hurt Hyunjin so deeply but never be able to give a proper answer as to why ? Just why ?
Hyunjin’s angry voice filled Minho’s apartment that night. Whatever he had been thinking right then and there, all unleashed, without filter. It was hurtful for all of them. But the one who was hurt the most was Hyunjin.
He felt so betrayed. So angry. It wasn’t fair. Not to him, and especially not to Chan.
In the end, it wasn’t Hyunjin that pushed them out of their lives. It was them pushing Hyunjin out of theirs.
III.
Hyunjin’s life fell into another rhythm soon. This rhythm had more Chan. He was obviously happy about it but there were times late at night on a work day when melancholy would overwhelm him, thinking about the people that left him. For no reason.
At those times Chan would pull him closer in bed and kiss his neck slowly as Hyunjin mourned for the friendships he used to have that Chan didn’t know why he had lost. Well, Hyunjin didn’t really know as well, so he couldn’t tell him even if he wanted to. Still, he didn’t want to make Chan feel responsible for an unfortunate event that was in no way his fault.
“You have me,” Chan would say into his hair. “And I have you.”
And that would be enough.
IV.
Hyunjin didn’t do well enough alone; that’s why Chan decided to invite his own friends over to their shared apartment for the first time. It was both their day off, and they spent the entire day shopping, cleaning the house and cooking together. It was quite domestic as usual, and Hyunjin was so giggling the whole day, eyes shining brightly. Chan was being extra kind towards him and it was so sweet. He was looking at him every few seconds to see if there was a change in his mood, or if he needed anything. He was holding him and touching him in some way, mostly a hand on the small of his back, any time he could. He was telling him how beautiful he was and how much he loved him every single time Hyunjin needed it. Hyunjin had the most considerate boyfriend in the world.
Chan’s friends were a lot different than Hyunjin’s (ex) friends in every way possible. Minho would pour himself expensive wine every dinner, but as soon as Jisung entered their house, he said that if they didn’t have beer, he would leave. Felix would invite Hyunjin to watch the new plays in the theater, or would bring him to a museum at least once a month. However, when Changbin was telling stories about the history of their group, there was a lot of mentioning of bars, clubs and drugs , even. Hyunjin listened to all the old lore with a smile. If Minho was here, he thought, he would be shooting daggers at Hyunjin right now.
Hyunjin would be a little concerned, also, if it wasn’t for Seungmin punching Changbin on the arm, saying, “That’s all in the past, dumbass”. He directed his gaze at Hyunjin. “We had our wild days, but we are much calmer now.”
“Yeah,” Changbin agreed, laughing sheepishly, a hand scratching the back of his head. “Of course. We are changed men.”
Jisung rolled his eyes at the other end of the table. Chan and Hyunjin met eyes and Chan smiled at him gently. Neither Hyunjin nor Chan were exactly like the people around them. Hyunjin felt that he was somewhere in between Felix and Jisung, and Chan met him in the middle.
It was a lovely evening. Hyunjin felt warm and at peace. At home with his loved ones, even though these people weren’t that close to him. But they were Chan’s friends, they would never accuse Chan of anything for no reason and they also wanted to be Hyunjin’s friends.
When Jisung kept leaning into him to whisper jokes and gossip about the others, Hyunjin was sure that he found a new family.
V.
Hyunjin didn’t think anything of it at first. Chan was helpful, kind and passionate with people in nature. He looked everyone in the eyes with undivided attention. He was intense with the care he provided and fed on the satisfaction of making people around him happy.
What Hyunjin didn’t realize before however, was how similar it was to the way he was also treating Hyunjin.
They were at the housewarming party of one of Chan’s coworkers, and it dawned on Hyunjin as he watched Chan talk to this one boy. “ Yeonjun ,” he had said while introducing them. Whatever they were talking about didn’t have anything to do with Hyunjin and he was quick to lose interest in participating and rather started looking .
It was a night out for Chan, Hyunjin was just accompanying him, so it was fine that he didn’t have Chan’s attention. Yet, the way Chan laughed at this guy, his eyes scouring every part of his face as he spoke, and the way he offered to hold his drink when he wanted to get rid of his jacket was too… Chan. It was too comfortable and too enthusiastic.
Maybe what bothered him the most was the fact that even though Hyunjin knew how nice Chan was, he had mistakenly believed that a part of it belonged to Hyunjin and Hyunjin only. Whatever he was witnessing was surely proving him wrong, and it rubbed him off the wrong way. Plus, the guy was too much on the beautiful side, and he was tall too. Full lips, a shy laugh, soft skin, pretty jewelry. Everything Chan liked.
But it wasn’t about Chan. It wasn’t his fault, it was something to do with Hyunjin being a little too full of himself and mistaking a regular behavior of his boyfriend as a part of their romantic relationship. It was fine.
Hyunjin hid a smile behind his cup when Chan leaned into the guy’s space to tell him something. His own irrational jealousy was funny to him. It was ridiculous of him to feel unsettled because Chan was his, and he was Chan’s.
VI.
It was as if a lunacy was kickstarted that day and it didn’t intend to stop.
Stupid ideas would come to Hyunjin and go, as if they didn’t exist at all. Hyunjin would shake his head to himself and laugh but then soon, the cycle would repeat. Many of the things that sent Hyunjin into a spiral were things he was too embarrassed to even admit, but some of them went like this: Chan being on his phone too much would make Hyunjin wonder if he was texting his beautiful coworker. Chan leaving the room to answer a phone call, the same thing. Chan leaning away from a kiss too early would make him think if he didn’t want to kiss him anymore. Chan not complimenting the way he did his hair would bring his mood down for the whole day.
It was not like this before. Hyunjin was not like this. He tried to find what had changed but he couldn’t come up with an answer. He hated the way he was becoming, he hated that he was spoiling his own happiness every single day.
He hated how he was doing Chan injustice by thinking his love was lacking when in reality he couldn’t be more perfect.
VII.
At some point, Minho’s words started ringing in his ears.
“I don’t think he’s a good fit for you.”
“I can’t see this working out.”
“He isn’t someone who will understand you.”
“I’m afraid that he’s gonna hurt you.”
All the things that had no further explanation. These words would visit him throughout the day and refuse to leave no matter what Hyunjin did. He was getting tired of his own mind, and all he could do was blame it on his old friends. They had fed him stupid shit for so long and now after almost 2 years, they were taking a toll on him. He was being dramatic and paranoid, again, for no reason. He was doing the same thing that they did to Chan.
Hyunjin was basically fighting himself every day, trying to look deeper into Chan, see him better. To understand what Minho, Jeongin and Felix saw that he didn’t. To find a reason as to why his own brain was bothering him relentlessly.
But he only found Chan. The Chan he knew. His Chan. How would he not know Chan after all this time? How would he not see what he was, how he was? There was no one that knew Chan better than Hyunjin. Hyunjin had been there every day in his life since they met and witnessed so many things. Chan was the kindest soul he had ever met and nothing could change that, he was sure.
The thought made him even madder at himself. Hyunjin had punished his friends for being unfair to Chan, but didn’t know how to punish himself.
VII.
Jisung started doing the same thing.
At first, Hyunjin thought it was Minho speaking in his head again, but no. It was Jisung of all people, looking at him with wide sympathetic eyes and asking him how Chan was treating him. His voice was so quiet as if he was afraid of the question.
“What do you mean?” If it was a few months ago, Hyunjin would think it was a lighthearted question and answer straight away. Yet, he had been going through it, he had been thinking . He could see how fidgety Jisung was before and after he dropped the question; he knew this was planned. Jisung had been sitting on the topic and was nervous.
“Just asking, you know…” Only if he wasn’t a terrible liar.
“What do you mean, Jisung?” Hyunjin was getting impatient, and it was obvious by his fierce eyes and raising tone. “What are you trying to imply?”
Still, the only answer he got was a hurried, “Nothing, just asked! Chill,” until he was changing the subject again. Hyunjin let it go with a quickened heartbeat. The feeling was so familiar, whatever Jisung was trying to do felt so much like what they had tried to do before and it scared him. He didn’t want to lose someone again.
VIII.
It was a few nights later when Chan told Hyunjin there was a company dinner he was going to attend. Something his coworkers liked to do when they achieved a big milestone every once in a while.
Hyunjin uncharacteristically asked to go. Chan, obviously surprised, agreed with a small smile.
So that’s where he was, at the rooftop of a nice restaurant, with a bunch of strangers Chan was thrilled to be with. Hyunjin was sitting at his right at the table, with the pretty coworker Chan seemed to favor in front of Chan.
Hyunjin didn’t talk to anybody that night, except from Chan who would turn to him once in a while and the guy . The conversations Hyunjin had with Yeonjun couldn’t be drier if he tried. He didn’t know if it was because Yeonjun was shy or if Hyunjin himself was bad at not acting bitter.
Yeonjun wasn’t shy with Chan though. He was confident, in fact. He had these eyes bordering on flirtatious, when Hyunjin was literally right there. Hyunjin knew his boyfriend was hot. That was fine. But Chan was too into it tonight as well, like he had been at the night of the party. Hyunjin didn’t know what he would point at if someone asked him what was making him feel off. Was it the way Chan was reaching over to grab Yeonjun’s wrist while laughing? Was it how Chan would laugh too long, too loud, and would continue snickering at his jokes even after it died down for everyone else?
Or was it the fact that they looked exactly like how he imagined Chan and him looked like from outside?
The thought of “What if it’s true… What if they were right?” was haunting. Hyunjin never knew a single thought could be this agonizing. A faint wound in his chest, aching every time he tried taking a breath.
His friends being right would mean that Hyunjin had been living a lie, from the very start. It would mean that all the effort he put into fighting with them to protect Chan’s name was in vain. It would mean that Hyunjin had been a delusional idiot.
But it couldn’t be true. Because it being true went against everything Hyunjin knew about Chan.
IX.
Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he could handle the truth, but not knowing it felt even worse. Living with no answer only caused him to mull over every little thing and make himself paranoid. He couldn’t relax as he used to next to Chan without thinking how he probably wasn’t doing enough or wasn’t pretty enough. It was hard to feel loved and cared for. He hated himself for being unfair once again.
Hyunjin wished he could ignore it and move on, act like nothing was happening and go back to being normal. Because their normal was good, they were both happy. People would still say shit about Chan but it wouldn’t matter, because Hyunjin knew they were wrong and they didn’t know anything about his beloved boyfriend.
No one knew Chan like Hyunjin knew him and by default, no one knew Hyunjin like Chan did. It made Hyunjin the happiest person ever. But forgetting wasn’t easy. It wasn’t like he didn’t try, because damn, he did. He tried his best until the sleeping pills stopped working. He wished he could say this didn’t affect him, but that would only be a lie. It was impossible for him to be unaffected when Chan was the reason that made him start thinking that the world was a place worth living in. Chan was the biggest part of his life.
He was everywhere he looked. When his phone rang, he heard Chan’s favorite song. When he unlocked his phone, he saw Chan’s face in his wallpaper. When he looked around in his room, at every corner there was a piece of Chan. Hyunjin even had a tattoo of the date they started dating. He had people in his life because of Chan. He lost people for Chan. The things that he changed about his life thanks to Chan. He learned to not be so stubborn, because it didn’t get him anywhere. He learned how to work hard to get what he wanted and Chan handed him the motivation to be able to do that. Every single time he felt like something wasn’t working out, he would go straight to Chan because Chan would know what to do, or at least he would know what to say. Chan was Hyunjin’s medicine every time Hyunjin felt infected.
When it was a fact that Chan was the greatest contributor to the happiness in Hyunjin’s life, how could Hyunjin ignore a sign that what he built his everything on could be a lie?
As expected, came a point where he called it enough, and decided to do something about it. At least get an answer, something that would help him cool down his never stopping brain and burning heart.
They were sitting on the living room couch, Hyunjin on his laptop with his legs on Chan’s lap and Chan simultaneously watching TV while scrolling on his phone. It was how most of their evenings went. It was usually comfy and Hyunjin treasured this part of the day the most. Well, that was how it had been. Recently it’s been a different story. Because all Hyunjin could focus on was what Chan was doing on his phone.
It looked like he was texting. Who was he texting? What were they texting about for so long? Why was he smiling like that?
“What are you doing?” Hyunjin asked, his voice as neutral as it could get. He needed Chan to knock some sense back into him. He needed him to understand that Hyunjin was a victim of his own mind and was suffering because of it. He wanted him to sympathize, laugh at him and hold him by his face to soothe him with kisses. Hyunjin wanted to hear how ridiculous he was being; wanted to be reassured that they were for each other only and that would never change.
“... Talking to Yeonjun.” Okay.
“What about?” He didn’t even look away from his screen, to keep it nonchalant. They were just having a normal conversation.
“He’s telling me about his weekend,” Chan shook his head as he typed something away.
Hyunjin blinked at Chan. It was a Sunday. They were going to see each other at work in the morning. Couldn’t this guy wait for a single night to talk about his weekend to his coworker? He said that much to Chan. A much more light hearted version of it, obviously.
Chan turned to look at him for the first time that night with a smirk that looked fond, much to Hyunjin’s dislike. “He would miss me too much.”
Hyunjin stared for a moment. He watched as Chan went back to texting without noticing anything his boyfriend was feeling.
A cold feeling washed over his body. Right then and there, he considered truly for the first time, what would happen if his relentless paranoia was justified. And as sad as it might be, he knew as soon as he heard those words that whatever the truth was, he would love Chan nonetheless. It would hurt like nothing else. It would ruin his life. But his love wouldn’t change.
X.
Hyunjin tried ignoring once again, knowing full well that ignoring was hard. Dismissing it and calling it a misunderstanding was impossible. Because he knew he was going to forever wonder and being completely sure wasn’t probable.
In fact, for him, both situations sucked. If it was true and Chan didn’t love him the way he thought he did, it would mean that he had been living a lie. He would just have to accept that fact. And if he and each single one of his ex-friends were wrong about Chan, then Hyunjin would have to live with the guilt of doubting him. He would never forgive himself. None of the situations had a good ending for Hyunjin.
What also greatly bothered Hyunjin was how their mutual friends talked about Chan. How they warned Hyunjin about Chan. It made him think about his old friends, who no longer talked to him after he chose Chan over them. He had never regretted that decision. But now, hearing almost the same exact words from Chan’s closest friends, it was throwing him off. He was getting anxious every time anyone brought up Chan and his relationship in a questioning manner. Like they were assessing the situation. Like they were trying to see how much Hyunjin knew and how much he was willing to accept.
They were again being subtle, and Hyunjin didn’t have the energy to shut them up before they started getting serious. He instead used the second easiest strategy, which was to deflect. He was telling them repeatedly, no, there weren't any problems with him and Chan. Nothing was wrong. He was happy. Something in the way he said it was enough to end the conversations right there, so far.
Yet, Hyunjin knew it wasn’t going to work forever and that it was going to be Jisung that was going to push for more. He was the first one to ask how it was going with Chan long before the others did, and Hyunjin had been expecting him to follow up.
It was a Saturday night, and it was crowded in the club. Hyunjin had been reached out and invited by Changbin specifically, which he accepted after considering it for almost three hours.
Chan had been sleeping in the bedroom when he left the house. Exhaustion from work had gotten to him, knocking him out as soon as he got home that day. Hyunjin felt kind of bad leaving him alone, but he decided he needed a change of scenery, even if the club wasn’t a good one.
Hence, here he was, sitting on an uncomfortable leather couch under the flashing lights. The drink in his hand was hard to swallow, and even though Changbin was covering the whole night, he didn’t even want to think about ordering more.
He leaned towards their table and put down his glass before slumping backwards with a sigh.
“What’s up?” There was no way his extremely sour mood was going to escape Jisung. He had always been the most observant one, especially when it came to Hyunjin. And even when Hyunjin didn’t give much back to him, he would always ask and offer support. It made it harder for Hyunjin to be annoyed with him when he was being too invasive.
“Nothing,” Hyunjin said, causing Jisung to scoff at him. He either didn’t believe Hyunjin or he found it funny because he was already expecting that answer. Or both. It made Hyunjin smile.
Jisung turned away from him with his own bitter smile to watch Changbin and Seungmin for a bit. They were dancing like they were the happiest people alive, laughing with drinks in their hands.
Even though the club was blasting with music, Hyunjin didn’t hear any of it. There was a silence between him and everyone else, beyond the music and the laughter of people. It weighed heavily on him, like a sandbag on his chest.
“You know,” Jisung said, looking back at him. “You can talk to me when you have a problem with Chan.”
The straightforwardness took Hyunjin aback, and he ended up staring at Jisung in surprise.
Jisung had said “ when” .
“I know you don’t wanna hear this,” he continued, because Hyunjin’s silence allowed him to. “But I still have to say it. You can talk to me, Hyunjin.” Jisung was looking straight into his eyes, with so much sincerity that Hyunjin actually felt bad for having nothing to say.
“I know,” Hyunjin looked back at Jisung, feeling drained. Today wasn’t his day, and Jisung was already assuming it had something to do with Chan. Like everybody else did.
“You don’t know,” Jisung shook his head. His gentle voice and Hyunjin’s own exhaustion kept him from getting angry. “Or you don’t understand.”
Hyunjin sighed as he threw his head back.
“I don’t like that he’s spending so much time with his coworker,” Jisung suddenly dropped it, and it made Hyunjin jerk up to look at him with wide eyes. Jisung narrowed his eyes at him. “Yeah, I noticed. It was impossible not to.” He shook his head, taking a big sip out of his drink. “I’m sorry but Chan is eating him with his eyes.”
Well. It wasn’t the fact that he was worried about the possibility of Chan being at least emotionally dishonest with him anymore. What made him more anxious was knowing that Chan’s reputation was ruined to the extent that his closest friends were assuming what he was or wasn’t doing and then talking about his personality negatively. Hyunjin couldn’t stand it.
When he went home that night, he cried like he lost a part of himself. It didn’t feel right, hearing people talk about Chan like that didn’t feel right. They weren’t being fair and they just didn’t understand. Chan was one of the most wonderful people alive and people not seeing that was killing Hyunjin. They thought this simple act by Chan was a red flag enough to go behind his back and warn Hyunjin about.
If they were right, and Chan was a lying prick, then Hyunjin would never trust again, ever. He didn’t know how he would live with that. But in the case that there was nothing happening, Chan wouldn’t have a way to prove that to them, would he? They would always think of Chan as a cheater, a liar, a bad boyfriend. They would keep on thinking, or at the very least doubting his loyalty to Hyunjin. Chan would never be completely cleared. And it hurt.
XI.
It kept getting harder to keep his mood up around people, but he was fighting alone, in his own mind. The endless questions about his well being and his relationship with Chan started making him sick to his stomach, instead of mad.
It was kind of funny to Hyunjin, because they genuinely thought Hyunjin would tell them anything bad about Chan even if it was the truth. He didn’t laugh though. There was nothing he was more sure about than the fact that he would take any negative thing about Chan to grave no matter how bad it was. He would do anything to avoid giving people an opportunity to think less of Chan.
It didn’t matter if Chan was actually fooling him. It didn’t matter if he had been doing it from the very beginning or if things were just blossoming between his boyfriend and his coworker. Because Hyunjin didn’t want to lose Chan. He couldn’t afford to lose Chan. Whatever the truth was, he was going to live with it. Even if Chan ended up being the worst person on the planet, Hyunjin would love him regardless.
In the end, it didn’t matter.