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Lisa remembers the first time she left Mondstadt. She felt a sorrow that was greatly outweighed by her excitement. She felt that she was leaving behind a home, a childhood and friends, but that she would gain so much more.
She remembers the second time she left Mondstadt, too. She had come home for the summer to visit her mother and read every new book she had purchased and work an easy summer job for some frivolous spending.
Lisa hadn’t intended to really reacquaint with anyone. She hadn’t meant to run into Jean Gunnhildr from her same grade who attended Mondstadt University and had seemed to grow into a more confident and charming University student. Lisa hadn’t meant to spend so much time with Jean, or to want to see Jean as often as she did.
She hadn’t quite meant for any of that.
So when she left for Sumeru that second time, she was still thrilled to be heading back. She was still gunning for brilliance and prestige and acclaim… but she also felt the little embers of something flaring between her and Jean.
Lisa had felt like maybe she wouldn’t mind keeping in touch with Jean.
So they had. Texting and calling and laughing with each other late into the nights. Cramming for their (wildly) different curricula together and grumbling about deadlines. Talking about the things they could do together over the next summer.
So when Lisa left Mondstadt to go back to her third year at Sumeru Academy, her relationship with Jean had meant she was leaving with an encompassing sadness.
She hurt. She didn’t want to leave Jean. They had spent their summer together, and when Lisa had to leave Jean had pulled her close and kissed her and Lisa had caressed Jean’s jaw and didn’t want to let go.
But the thing is, they had set a sort of precedent during that second year. Before they were together, when they were simply connecting over phone calls and texts, they had set a precedent.
And so when Lisa notices that the texts she is getting from Jean are sparse and curt, when their phone calls cut short time and time again, she curses herself for falling for someone so far away.
Of course, long distance isn’t easy. She hadn’t ever expected it to be, not after seeing each other every day during the summer. So it makes Lisa sad, sorrowful to have built so much with Jean and to see it start to slip away as the semester passes by.
She misses the phone calls that went late into the night and even later on Jean’s end because of the little time difference. Lisa misses the way Jean would grumble and guffaw at the things Lisa has to study. She misses the sound of Jean’s voice first thing in the morning when they would talk before their early classes.
She misses Jean. But Lisa is Lisa and her mother didn’t raise her to be anything less than headstrong and resilient. She handles it. Midterms go smoothly because Lisa had shoved her head into her books and thought of nothing else.
She doesn’t let anything touch her attitude toward school. She doesn’t let her grades slip. Even though she thinks she might be facing the start of heartbreak, Lisa sets it aside to cry about late at night when Jean sends her a short Goodnight text instead of calling her.
So getting a message that reads I need to talk to you but I’d rather do it over text, Lisa isn’t wholly surprised.
Well, she is a bit. Jean has never struck her as the type of person to do it like this. To break up over text?
It makes her drop her pen, pull her reading glasses off and hold back the tears that spring to her eyes. She takes steady breaths and breathes through her mouth as evenly as possible.
She picks her phone up and texts back.
Of course, Jean. What’s going on?
It takes a while. Lisa watches the bubbles of Jean typing pop up and disappear and pop up again and again.
Lisa sits with her phone in a sweaty palm, feeling heated all over, unable to breathe and suddenly desperate for fresh air when-
I don’t know who I’m supposed to be
Lisa first thinks that she needs to call Jean and she almost hits the call button but Jean had asked to do this over text. And now Lisa doesn’t know what this is.
What do you mean? What’s wrong Jean?
Lisa goes from feeling like her heart will split from sorrow to feeling full on despair. She can’t help Jean if she’s all the way in Sumeru.
I feel wrong sometimes. And it isn’t you, Lisa, I promise it isn’t you. You help me so much, you help me feel like I’m who I’m supposed to be but now you’re not here and I don’t know what I feel anymore.
Lisa takes steady breaths once more, trying to calm herself and steady her shaking.
You don’t know what you feel about yourself? Lisa texts back slowly, she rechecks her words and makes sure there’s not a single typo.
It takes another long and desperate few moments for Jean’s next message.
Yes. What if I’m different?
And gods does that have Lisa gasping in her empty apartment. She can see Jean, her Jean alone at home and texting Lisa in pure confusion and fear. She can so easily imagine Jean’s face, tears swimming on those wide, scared blue eyes.
Lisa's own eyes blur over and she sniffles and breathes heavily and she has to stand up and pace her room.
What can she say? You’re not? Or it doesn’t matter? Because neither of those are… helpful.
You don’t have to know anything right now, Jean. Even if you are different, we’ll figure that out. Tell me how you feel different?
Does Lisa have an idea? Maybe. It was something that struck her on very rare occasions but thoughts that never lingered. She felt like it wasn’t her place to linger in those little questions that would spring up when Jean was paused at the mirror for a moment too long, or when Jean had seemed so uncomfortable in a fitted button-up shirt but waved it off as just a bit tight.
Lisa wondered sometimes about Jean’s confidence that seemed so bold when Lisa was around, clinging to Jean’s arm like the only thing that kept her standing.
A lot of things. But I don’t know. I’m afraid to admit it.
Jean wasn’t… raised to understand emotions. Frederica was stoic on a good day, they followed the honor of manners and politeness and smiling through pain. Jean wasn’t raised to… handle anything like this.
And Lisa is too far away.
How can I help you? Lisa asks, because she doesn’t know what else to say. Talking to Jean on the phone would likely only lead to tears for the both of them as they struggle through Jean’s thoughts and feelings and Lisa understands now why they’re texting. Because she’s a wreck, so she can’t even imagine how Jean is.
Can you just be patient with me?
That one has Lisa openly sobbing. It’s so easy to imagine Jean asking that of her. Her sweet and kind Jean, begging for just a bit of patience, something so unfamiliar in Jean’s life, and if that’s all that is requested, Lisa will give that and then some.
Always
Patience means getting a text from Jean about once a day simply saying I’m okay today and Lisa responding with something like Okay, let me know tomorrow.
And so they go for days, and weeks… and then a month is passing by. Lisa dives into her schoolwork, attempting to fill her mind with literally anything that isn’t Jean because she can’t do anything about that. She remains patient for Jean to work through everything. Lisa understands it, really. Her headspace always changed just a bit around Jean.
There was a moment, brief and fleeting over the summer, when she thought what if I just transfer to Mondstadt? Had she, she would have been just as happy. She would have had Jean right at her side, Mondstadt is a good school, and would her life change drastically? Probably not.
But Sumeru has always been her dream. The goal for her. And Lisa wasn’t ready to push things aside because she felt happy and warm and comfortable in Jean’s arms.
She gets it, though, how they need to compromise and be who they are first and foremost.
So she can be patient.
Lisa gets a text one evening when she’s reading two chapters ahead of the class purely to keep herself busy and prepared. Though finals are a month off still, she’s rounding up on the last chapter.
I’ve been talking with Kaeya a lot
That’s it. No follow up. No hello. Just that. Lisa reads it a few times over. Then her phone is ringing. Jean’s face pops up on her phone screen, a goofy smile and hair a bit messy, a picture Lisa had taken toward the end of their summer together.
Lisa smiles involuntarily, she can’t help it at the sight, and she answers while holding her breath.
“Lisa?” She hears Jean’s gentle voice through her phone, crackling lightly and a bit tinny, but it’s Jean.
“Hi.” Lisa already has tears in her eyes just from hearing Jean, but her smile is wide. Because Jean sounds… okay. Jean sounds good.
“Hi, Lisa.” Jean laughs lightly, though Lisa can hear the tears too. “I’m sorry that this has been so difficult on you.”
“Jean, no. This isn't about me. I just want you to be happy.” Lisa whispers, certain that if she tries to speak any louder her voice will crack and deteriorate and probably only make Jean feel worse.
“I know, I know that, Lisa. I’m happier, I think. I think I’m getting it.” Jean says softly, a delicate voice that settles so many things within Lisa.
“Good, Jean. That’s so good.” Lisa breathes her words like a prayer because anything else seems wrong, seems not good enough or deferential enough. “Are you… do you want to share? Or not yet, you don’t have to, Jean. You don’t have to tell me.” And oh gods, should she keep saying Jean? What if that’s one of the things Jean had to work through? Oh what if she’s making everything worse?
“I would like to tell you everything, Lisa.” Jean whispers.
And so, he does. And Lisa listens. She holds her breath for his words, she eases it out when he laughs. He says things like I like how you make me feel when we’re together, like that’s how I should feel. He says things like I don’t feel right as a woman, or a man, but I like… being masculine. Lisa nods and hums, afraid that speaking would pause Jean’s flow or interrupt his truth.
She listens with a heavy heart and a tight throat, and every moment that goes by and is filled with Jean’s voice, the feelings ease. Her shoulders relax and she still wants to cry, but it is out of joy for the way Jean speaks so freely.
Jean wants to be Jean, and Jean wants to be him, and he says it feels right for now, and Lisa listens as he takes a breath and releases it. It’s gentle, it’s not painful or wrenching.
“Do you want to be… my boyfriend?” Lisa asks hesitantly, because it isn’t about her and it never was but… she needs clarity too. She needs to know where she stands with Jean.
Jean laughs though. “Yes, Lisa. I would really like that.” He doesn’t quite understand it entirely the way Lisa had meant it, but it’s enough. She’s about to speak when Jean gasps. “Wait, did you think I didn’t want to be with you anymore?”
Lisa hesitates. Because again, this is a conversation for Jean, for Jean’s everything, not Lisa’s. But…
“I just wondered…” She whispers.
“No! No, this entire time, Lisa… I’ve thought about finally getting to be me with you. You’re always… in my heart.”
Oh, sweet words that make Lisa tear up harder once more.
“Do you still want to be with me?” And there’s Jean’s fear, his confidence crumbling. Lisa realizes that these past few months of what she saw as their connection fading and Jean talking to her less and less, culminating in this past week and everything Jean is admitting to her, Jean had never once questioned Lisa’s feelings for him.
Until now, because she hadn’t been so sure.
Lisa has been whispering and soft and hesitant for their whole conversation, but she can speak this with conviction. “Yes, of course I do, Jean. Nothing will change that. Absolutely nothing is going to change that, Jean.” She knows Jean, she knows she wants Jean now and in the future, and she can only imagine how much harder she’ll fall for him now that he’s who he is supposed to be.
She can say those words with strength and a fearlessness that doesn’t even unsettle her. She knows it’s all true.
They talk into the night, Jean mentions I got a haircut, and Lisa gasps because even in school, before they were really close or friends at all, Jean Gunnhildr always had a high ponytail. Kept his hair from his face, always.
And what has Lisa gasping even more… your mom cut my hair.
“She did?” Lisa exclaims. Her mother is a kind soul and routinely offers assistance at the chapel, one of which involves offering haircuts to those who just needed a little help.
Jean says he went to Lisa’s mother and broke down and cried to her and she was everything Lisa’s mother always was, patient and understanding and loving. And they looked through hairstyles and ideas and started slow and she made sure Jean wanted to go ahead and chop his hair off again and again before doing so.
And she had promised to keep it secret, until Jean was ready. Because it was for Jean.
Lisa can hear his smile through the phone, smiling so hard his words come out almost stilted.
She lays down on her bed, listening to him talk, and when they tire, they listen to each breathing softly over the phone. Jean falls asleep first, it’s later for him, and Lisa follows shortly after.
And everything is so much better. They talk in the morning and at night and they text all through the day. But… Lisa still feels off.
Because she knows Jean and Jean is her boyfriend now, but she hasn’t seen him. When they talk, she knows Jean is confident and happier now, but he still holds back. Lisa wants to see him, and hold his face in her hands, and tell him that she loves him and always will.
She wants to look into his beautiful eyes and make sure he knows she still wants him.
So she does something stupid.
Lisa is stepping out of a sputtering black cab just out front of the Gunnhildr mansion, because Jean goes to Monstadt University and of course the Gunnhildr’s live in a beautiful and massive home only a few blocks from campus so Jean lives at home. But… Lisa realizes that Jean may not… want Lisa to see him yet.
That was why they’d been texting. That was why they simply talked over the phone. Maybe he just isn’t ready yet.
And Lisa pauses as that little cab takes off and leaves her there. She feels foolish and horrible and selfish all of a sudden.
Jean would have asked her to come, or come to see her himself if he’d truly wanted it, right?
What is Lisa doing?
Except she took a red-eye train from Sumeru to Mondstadt and doesn’t exactly have a lot of options. Lisa looks up at the Gunnhildr mansion and curses herself. She has a small duffel bag thrown over her shoulder and a return ticket to Sumeru for tomorrow night.
She can go home, of course. And simply wallow there and pretend she never did this… and likely speak with Jean on the phone and have to lie to him.
Lisa shakes her head. “That’s so much worse.” She sighs to herself and makes her way up to the front door of the home. The first porch step creaks as she heads up them, and the large gray-colored door looms before her like a warning.
“Okay, okay.”
Lisa knocks on the front door and turns around to face away from it and truly hopes it isn’t Frederica who answers because then Lisa will just look rude. And Frederica despises rudeness. But the door opens eventually, and Lisa hears a gasp.
“Lisa?”
And it’s Jean’s tentative and cautious voice and Lisa’s eyes slip closed at finally hearing Jean in person once more.
“I needed to see you, Jean.” Lisa breathes out. “I needed to see you but I don’t know if you’re ready for me to see you and now I feel stupid and I’m so sorry, Jean. I am so sorry but I just want to hold you.” Lisa’s eyes are teary and her mouth is warbling as she speaks through a wavering voice.
She hears Jean’s breath, a huff and a shaky inhale, and then Jean’s hands are on her shoulders.
“Okay.” Jean says gently. “Can you… can you cover your eyes?”
Lisa nods and places her hands over her eyes, she squeezes them shut and feels a tear or two track down her cheeks. Jean turns her, gentle hands guiding her and then Lisa is being led along the porch.
Jean stops her, hands on her hips, and she hears Jean take a deep breath.
“Okay.” Jean whispers, hands on Lisa’s wrists and pulling at them. She lets her hands fall away and she opens her eyes slowly and she sees Jean, so beautiful and handsome, her Jean. Seated on a bench on the porch, Jean looks up at her, hands steady on her waist, waiting.
Lisa sobs immediately and touches the ends of Jean’s short hair. “You look so good, Jean!” She exclaims through her tears. “Look at this,” She laughs, “your hair is so feathery.”
Jean’s eyes are so wide and filled to the brim with tears, he probably can’t even see Lisa properly. She wipes at his cheeks and holds his face and gasps for air because he looks so perfect to her. “Look at you!” Lisa cries, and her smile doesn’t waver now but she struggles to speak through her tears.
They track down her face and she lets them flow, dripping over her lips and salting her tongue.
Jean lets out a desperate laugh and wraps his arms around Lisa, tugging her close, pressing his face against her chest and hugging her.
“Oh my baby, look at you.” Lisa murmurs again, sinking her hands through Jean’s hair, stroking his scalp and pushing his hair back again and again.
Sure, he’s changed. He’s cut his hair and his shirt, a simple button-up that isn’t anything new on Jean, looks to have a boxier cut, but beyond that, Jean looks settled. Lisa was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to see it, to see a change and that she would feel like she wasn’t good enough for him because of that. She was afraid that she would come here and not notice anything at all, because how awful would that have been? How could she have been with Jean for this nearly half-year together and not see how he struggled?
But she sees it now. She sees the way he sits up taller, the way his shoulders don’t hunch in at all and the way he smiles so openly.
He looks happy, he looks more content than ever, he looks like Jean.
Lisa holds him close, standing between his legs as he sits on the bench there, and she feels the mild cries that shake his body. She’s no better, her own sobs racking through her as they cling to each other.
Jean looks up and he looks like a happy wreck, red eyes and tears all over, but his smile can’t be helped and Lisa adores him.
“Thank you.” He whispers softly. Lisa holds his face in her hands, thumbs swiping out to rub at his tears.
“I love you so much, Jean.” She whispers back, and she leans down and kisses him and feels his hands arch against her back as he pulls her impossibly closer until she’s settling herself in his lap, knees on either side of his thighs.
He sniffles when she pulls away, face to face now, Lisa looking slightly down at Jean as she settles against him.
“I love you too, Lisa. I love you and I’m so happy you’re here.” He buries his face against her neck and she wraps her arms around him once more, holding him tight, rocking lightly back and forth to soothe him.
“What is this blatant disregard for privacy?” The stern voice has Lisa’s head shooting up and spinning to see Frederica stepping up the stairs and watching them both with an unamused look on her face.
“Hello, ma’am.” Lisa greets as politely as possible.
Frederica’s eyes widen in surprise. “Oh, Lisa, hello. I was under the impression that you… go to school rather far away.” Frederica’s voice gives way to brief surprise before evening out easily, and Lisa frowns because she obviously didn’t care who Jean currently had his face and hands all over.
“Yes. Sumeru. I’m just visiting briefly.”
Frederica’s eyes track over Lisa, to Jean, and despite how cold and steely-blue they are, they soften. “Right. Jean, don’t be a nuisance out here.”
And she heads inside, heavy heels from her boots clicking loudly against the floor.
“Yes, mother.” Jean calls as late as possible and the door is slamming shut.
“How has she been?” Lisa asks quietly, looking back down at Jean and running her hands through his soft hair once more.
“Well… I took an exam last week in the midst of ‘all of this nonsense,’ as she put it, so when I get the grade back we’ll see.” Jean smiles wryly and Lisa rolls her eyes.
Of course Frederica would be worried about Jean’s internal strife affecting his grades more than anything.
“She’s trying. She slips up, but she doesn’t mean it, you know? We’re all… trying.” Jean admits though, and Lisa smiles. That’s something, at least.
“Good.” She whispers, and drops a kiss to the crown of Jean’s head. “Want to take me upstairs?”
Jean nods against her, head pillowed against her chest. “Yeah, I do.”
Lisa is laying over Jean, her head against his shoulder and fingers tracing the lines of his collarbone. She’s not going to push Jean to say anymore than he wants to, or to do anything more than he wants to, but she flattens her palm against his sternum and asks a question she’s had in mind.
“Do you… are you wearing a binder?” She asks, because it’s kind of obvious.
Jean nods. “Yes, I got a few. I… I like it.” Jean swallows so loudly she can hear it.
“Okay, I’m glad you like it. Have you researched them? You know you shouldn’t wear one for more than eight hours, and you cannot sleep in them, Jean, or workout in them!” Lisa starts listing off the things she’d learned when she researched them, because she wanted to prepare herself. She’d done a lot of research.
“I know, Lisa.” Jean answers softly, his hand warm over her back as he curls his arm closer against her.
“And did you look up all those stretches you should do? And you know you need to take days off every now and then, long-term health is important, Jean.”
“I know!” Jean laughs then, his chest jumping beneath Lisa in his humor. “I read all sorts of articles, I promise. You’d be proud of the time I put into reading strictly about binding.”
Lisa sits up, leaning on one hand while the other curls over Jean’s cheek. “I am proud of you already.”
Jean smiles up at her and places his hand over hers. “Did you look all of this up for me?” He asks in wonder.
Lisa nods softly and shrugs. “I just wanted to… know. Just in case. Because you can talk to me about all of this, Jean.” Lisa says it gently, but she also gets that Jean might prefer discussing this with someone else. It’s daunting, to change so profoundly right before someone you are so intimate with, but that’s just it, isn’t it? Lisa doesn’t want Jean to be afraid with her.
Jean smiles and none of his love is left unsaid. He tugs Lisa closer and wraps her in his strong arms and holds her close. “I know I can. Thank you for being so…” He trails off for a moment and Lisa feels his chest expand with a deep breath. “So perfect for me.”
Lisa curls an arm around his waist and kisses his shoulder before closing her eyes against him. She bites back her tears, happy and elated and emotional, but she’s in Jean’s arms and that’s all that matters.
So when Lisa leaves Mondstadt for the fourth time, she does so with a heavy heart, but with a lot of hope as well. Jean walks her to the station and they hold hands and he kisses her goodbye, and she feels the love that fills that kiss and that embrace. His smile is like sunshine against her, warm and inviting, and his confidence is like a beacon.
She sees the love that fills his eyes as she steps onto the train and finds a seat that lets her wave at him from the window.
It hurts again, to be leaving him. But the train churns to life and her trip back to Sumeru begins once again. It’s only twenty minutes in when she gets a text from Jean. It’s a picture, a very poor picture, actually. It’s blurry, and supposed to be Jean smiling but it’s hard to tell.
Lisa laughs at it and then quickly gets another picture, a clear picture of Jean grinning into his phone camera.
Sorry for the last one, a bird almost hit me.
Is the only explanation he gives and Lisa laughs until tears fill her eyes.
I’m not even gone an hour and you’re getting into trouble. Lisa texts back, and she and Jean message for most of her trip until she feels her eyes growing heavy.
She’s leaving Mondstadt behind again, not for the first time in her life and certainly not for the last time. But she’s not leaving it behind for good, because she is sure that Jean will be a big part of her future. It’s a journey, after all, and it will always be a journey, but Lisa knows it will be okay if they’re together.