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Chapter Text

Celci told him once that not all problems could be solved by explosives - and although Gunther had disagreed with her at the time, he felt that maybe just maybe the scientist had a point.

Sitting outside of the security block while looking up at the vast night sky, Gunther stared up at the glittering stars above to ponder his current conundrum.

He wasn't alone for lone however, as Chica pattered out of the building and made her way over to where he was sitting. Gunther figured that Mark must be inside somewhere working on one of the software systems and had left the golden retriever waiting for him.

"Hey Chica!"

Gunther grinned, raising his arm up to silently invite her over - which Chica was more than happy enough to do as she nuzzled in under his arm, and proceeded to receive an alternation between pets and rubs all over her to the dog's delight.

"Mark's got you waiting huh? Never mind puppy - you can hang with me til he's done."

He chuckled, seeing Chica wiggle against him before eventually flopping over on his side as he continued to pet her.

"I wish communicating with people could be this easy..."

Gunther hadn't meant to mumble that out loud, as what was weighing on his mind earlier was still very much present to him.

See, Gunther knew how to act cool and smooth when it came to everything he knows about his job and weaponry - even more so when he was just regularly casual around everybody else in and out of work. A lot of times, he figured that most times he could solve his problems head-on with explosives being his usual Plan A... just not this one thing that was currently on his mind.

As much as he did flirt, he mostly did it as a joke and towards pretty much anyone he passed by - so much so that the one guy he actually wanted to show his own interest in just assumed that he was joking around and had proceeded to laugh it off.

Looking down at how cheerful Chica was, Gunther quietly wished that people could be as easy to understand as dogs - or at least just have a way of knowing if someone liked you back in a romantic or just friendly way.

Scratching behind Chica's ears - Gunther just wanted a solution that did have to involve him saying how he really felt out loud; while being able to know if it would be welcomed or just end in rejection.

"If only I could tell him without actually having to tell him."

Pausing at what he had just said; Gunther snorted bemused at his own words.

"Yeah yeah, I know - that just sounded dumb. I should just tell the guy that I like him without being such a whimp about it."

As happy as he was with his career and life, even happy enough to know that he could be just fine without any kind of 'intimate' relationship in his life; whenever Gunther thought of that face, those kind eyes and infectious smile - he couldn't help but feel so flustered around his fellow crew mate.

Shaking his head, he looked into Chica's eyes again.

"Jeez - you don't think I'm just growing soft, do ya Chica?"

Licking her nose with her head rested against his chest, Chica just stared back while Gunther stroked the fur along her neck.

"Yeah I know..."

Chica might not have said anything, and in all honesty sometimes looking in her eyes was like imagining nothing but elevator music just playing in the background of her head - but Gunther knew that there was only one thing he can do to solve his predicament, even if it doesn't end up turning out the way he would like it to...

But for now, he continued to pet Chica while enjoying the night sky a little longer.

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People often came and went around Burt. Not that he minded.

He knew what he was doing and so did everyone around him with their own various tasks and schedules to complete. So he was fine - usually keeping quiet until he spoke a few words of his own; be it quotes or just coming off more cryptic than usual, in any case he usually did have something to say when it felt like he needed to say something.

It's just that, it was rare for anyone to actually talk to him.
Of course he didn't need anyone to ask him how his day was going or any general small talk in particular - but he would often over hear other people talk among themselves; going out their way to check on each other or are truly interested in the current events of each others lives.

It wasn't like he was left out or made to feel unwanted when he did join people. Everyone was just fine, either as co-workers or just socializing in more relaxed spaces.

Even so, he would just feel so alone at times. Knowing that if he didn't turn up to anything, people would probably be unlikely to go out their way to look for him...
What's worse, he felt like if he did speak up about any practical ideas for work or whatever potential proposed project ideas - he felt like that he would just get dismissed and end up feeling like he should have never said anything in the first place.

As he was currently looking through power supplies for the colony on his own, Burt wouldn't normally think twice about these kinds of insecurities and just get on with his day.

But today, with no one else around - he just felt a little more lonely than usual.

He could just go to the mess hall or the many other places that had been built since the colony had started to thrive on this new planet. He even thought about revisiting the new library once his shift was done and check out whatever books looked interesting to him.
Burt tried not to think about the thought of no one ever wondering where he was - that if he were to disappear, then maybe it would take a long time before anyone realized he was gone; if anyone would bother at all.

Sniffing, Burt just moved on with a shrug onto the next part of his job.

It would be a few minutes in until Burt started to notice some not-human patters following behind him. Turning around, he saw Chica following after him with her looking up at him with those big bright dark eyes.

Raising his eyebrow at the canine who was wagging her tail enthusiastically; Burt responded in his usual brief manner.

"Chica."

With a nod directed to her, he continued on walking to finish his own list of tasks.
It was very noticeable that she was still following him - but thankfully wasn't any trouble at all as he wrapped things up for the day before he lead her outside and finding a nearby bench to sit down on.

As the golden retriever moved closer to him, Burt reached out and gave her some hefty pets that Chica seemed to really like - her tongue hanging out with that doggy-grin that made her look absolutely adorable.

It was quiet with just the two of them, but Burt's mood had definitely improved with the intervention of Chica wanting attention from him. He didn't feel the need to vent out his problems or worries like many seemed to find themselves doing with Chica - if anything, it was just nice that she sought him out even if it was for the need of getting attention from anyone.

She certainly helped him get out of his own head for the time being.

"The truth I do not stretch or shove, when I state that the dog is full of love."

Quoting an old earth poet, Chica moved closer so that Burt's petting could continue - he was more than content to keep doing so during such a peaceful moment.

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Not for the first time, and unlikely to be for the last time - Celci was feeling pent-up with frustration from yet another interaction with Mark that had lead to them both squabbling like children.

That alone was normally nothing unusual for them; but this time it was almost becoming obvious that the aggravation was getting out of hand when the disagreement that was only over an adjustment she requested for a lab at the hospital unit she was currently working in.

What should have at best ended with an eye roll from both parties, spiraled into Mark snapping at her unnecessarily - which of course she responded to and thus leading to one of their most pointless arguments yet.

It was embarrassing when the Captain came in and had to break them up; frowning at them both for acting so unprofessional on the job - but was thankfully willing to turn a blind eye over it this time just as Mark rushed out without another word.

She should have been able to shrug this off and got on with her work; but the whole incident left Celci so angry that even after so many hours later she had to excuse herself just to be alone and try and sort out these irritating feelings.

What Celci wanted to do was talk it out with Mark - find out what the hell was his problem and why did he lash out like that.
As often as they had butted heads in the past, she did care about him enough to notice that something had been off about him for a while since they had landed on their new home planet. Not just with Mark, but noticeably the Captain too.

Everything seemed to be fine when she did the initial checks for him and the Captain after being in cryo stasis; but as time went by Celci couldn't help but notice that the both of them were showing signs that could be chalked up to some kind of trauma. Even though it never seem to get in the way of their work; she had seen how jumpy they both were over the smallest sudden noises - or how the Captain looked like they hadn't slept and would seem to gaze off as if lost in some kind of deep thought; or how Mark seemed a lot more irritable and withdrawn - which was a startling contrast to how he was before on the Invincible.

Come to think of it, even though Mark never seemed happy around her, Celci had noticed that he use to smile a lot more before the voyage. Since their mission on the Invincible ended; she couldn't think of the last time Mark actually looked anything close to happy. Even when working on his own engineer projects, instead of that steady focus of being in his element doing what he loves most in his job - Mark looks more like he's doing his work with a desperation for it to go perfectly right without any faults at all...

In any case, it didn't make any sense for either Mark or the Captain to have changed so much in such a short amount of time. Between the start of the journey to waking up on arrival to their targeted destination - nothing had happened. Celci even had Gunther look through the security footage to see if there were any disturbances or if Mark and the Captain had awoken at some point in the middle of their journey to cause whatever it was the pair were currently going through. But nothing could be found; with the exception of some brief interference there were barely anything occurring during their journey.

As she started to pace the room she just entered, Celci worried that something could have happen to them due to the cryo stasis pods. That there might have been a side-affect that neither Mark or the Captain will admit to having - that maybe, she over-looked something vital and that their health might be at risk because of it.

Suddenly, she was taken right out of her thoughts at the sound of a light shuffling coming from the other side of the room. Moving closer to investigate what was around the table, Celci let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in at the sight of Chica rolling around on her back - looking up at the Scientist from her upside-down angle.

"Oh Chica - you're not suppose to be in here."

Celci Couldn't be too mad the more she looked at Chica enjoying her self on the carpet and looking too damn cute to be in trouble.

"Oh you..."

Checking back on the closed door behind her, Celci felt certain that she wouldn't be disturbed any time soon before squatting down with a sigh as she reached out and gave Chica a belly rub. Seeing how pleased the golden retriever was while her wagging tail thumped against the floor, Celci couldn't help but smile a little at the dog.

"You wouldn't happen to know why Mark has been acting so strangely lately - would you Chica?"

As silly as she felt for talking to Mark's dog aloud like this, the scientist couldn't help but feel that tightening ache in her chest knowing that she couldn't really talk about this with anyone.

She had friends she could turn to for any other problem that she has had in the past; but this felt like something that could be too personal to share about Mark and her concerns for him - that and her growing concern was that she could be responsible if her cryo-units really did cause some kind of side affects despite knowing that the vast majority of the crew and colonist came out of cryo just fine.

And the one person she could even imagine talking about this with was also suspected to be affected and might not be willing to speak up about it. The Captain might be reasonable enough to listen to her, but really she was unsure with how she and the Captain could help Mark too.

"I know Mark and I aren't friends - especially with him being such an ass all the time... but... even now he's not been so much as arrogant, just... like he's been really hurt somehow."

Chica rolled over to lay upright as Celci moved her hand to pet the top of the sweet dog's head.

"Its not like I can just ask what's wrong with him - not after what just happened..."

Chica certainly helped her feel a lot better, as petting the golden retriever seemed to have helped Celci calm down. She still had that feeling of frustration in the back of her mind, no matter how much it had eased up for now. Celci always did what she could to solve problems, especially when it seemed like nobody else was going to do it - but helping someone going through some unknown emotional pain was nothing like fixing a broken cryo system or managing a malfunction in the computer system. Even more so when that person shows nothing but irritation for you in general...

Whatever problem there was to solve, she might not be the best one to solve it.

"Maybe I should talk to the Captain after all if things keep getting as bad as this."

Regardless of whether or not the Captain will let her know what's wrong with them both - she could at least trust them enough to know that they would listen to her; especially if it means to help Mark too. She could tell that they had grown closer despite the more worrying changes between them, so maybe that might be key for whatever needs to be done.

With a sigh, Celci stood up with a wince at the achy feel of her knees being straightened out as Chica got up along with her.

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see - huh Chica?"

As much as she didn't like to leave things unresolved and undone - there wasn't much she could do right now as she felt a hunger pang in her stomach.

"I think I'm getting hungry... how about you? Shall we see what's on the menu in the cafeteria?"

Making her way out of the room with Chica following after, Celci conceded that today there wasn't much she could do for now. All she could do was keep an eye on Mark and the Captain to either be there when they did need her, or intervene if things somehow get taken too far.

Whatever happens, she can only hope that it won't end in tragedy if it really is due to any faults caused by her.

Chapter Text

Trying to keep himself busy with checking over computer codes for a new software program, Mack was struggling not to let his interaction with the Captain earlier that day bother him so much.

They had been at a meeting and when Mack tried to speak in further detail about a potential future project - the Captain just brushed him off, saying that it sounded 'fine' without listening to the details and just left him there in the room alone. Like they were eager to get away from him.

After reading the same line of code for the fifth time, Mack slammed the tablet that was in his hand onto the desk before slumping down heavily into his chair with a frustrated groan.

He really didn't understand why the Captain acted the way they did around him. Aside from greeting them on the Invincible and attending these meetings, they've barely had any interaction with each other - and yet...

Mack almost leapt out of his chair at the unexpected feel of something cold and wet poking at the back of his hand. Looking down, he groaned to see Mark's dog looking up at him with those big brown eyes.

"For the love of- Chica! Thanks for nearly giving me a heart attack... why are you in here? Mark's doesn't even work in this building -" He felt a bit stupid for talking out loud to a dog,
"Just, go. Shoo - go out that door."

Mack tried to direct her to the door, not wanting to get up and actually drag her out - only for the golden retriever to rest her head on his knee; while her eyes clearly pleaded for him to give her pets.

After a moment passed and Chica not budging, he couldn't help but roll his eyes at this situation.

"Come on Chica, Mark's the one you want - not me."

Saying that had brought a lump to his throat.

The other thing he couldn't help but notice was how close Mark and the Captain had gotten since landing on this planet. He definitely could tell that they wanted to be with the head engineer more than him.

It took everything in him not to let tears fall over something like this, as he kept telling himself that it wasn't his business even if there was something between them. And even if there was, he didn't want to be as close to the Captain or anything - but he couldn't help but feel like he was being treated differently when he saw how they were with everyone else...

Feeling Chica's snout against his hand, Mack gave in - petting her head as sadness stemmed from what felt like unfairness took over him, as he whispered quietly to the dog he could at least trust not to judge him for being so ridiculous about this ordeal he was probably creating for himself.

"What did I do? I work just as hard as Mark does - but they... the Captain acts like I did something. But I haven't even had a chance to do or say anything to them. So why?"

Was he too eager? Gave off a bad first impression? He didn't think they hated him on sight when they were on the Invincible - but whenever there were meetings and he had to report to the Captain, he didn't understand why they were always in a hurry to get away from him.

"One time... it was like they were afraid of me. But why? What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do?"

He hastily wiped the tears that had fallen down his face with his free hand while his other hand remained on Chica's head.

"Am I just overthinking this?"

Maybe Mark has had more time to bond with the Captain - maybe that's why they get along better than anyone else...
It's possible that he's just being too sensitive over something that isn't really there. It wasn't like the Captain had demoted him or made his life really hard at the workplace; if anything the Captain lets him do his tasks his own way and praises him for his completed works while giving a good review on his reports.

"I guess, it's not like they can be friends with everyone. And its not like we've really had a chance to get to know each other better professionally yet. We've only been on this planet just over a year, so maybe things will change and get better someday... It's not like they secretly hate me or anything - right Chica?"

He didn't expect her to have all the answers, but right now Mack wanted to pretend that Chica agreed with him.
That he's just imagining the looks the Captain gives him; that he's probably jumping to conclusions without having any of the facts... maybe, when more time has passed and he's proven to be good at what he does best without being a threat - the Captain will like him more.

"At least I know you don't hate me..." He whispered quietly to Chica, focusing on petting her until he starts to feel a little better again.

Chapter Text

They couldn't remember the last time they had gotten a proper night's sleep.

The Captain has been able to get enough rests for a couple of hours a night, before they usually startled themselves awake and pushing themselves onwards to get on with whatever needed to be done in their long list of things to do to help build a new home for the colony.

With so much to do, they used it as an excuse for themself to get less and less sleep.

They would never admit it out loud, but the Captain had grown afraid of falling asleep. Despite the fact that the time loops were suppose to be over - that this life they were living was the real deal with no more hopping over and over to any more realities; there was always this lingering fear of finding themselves back in that cryo-stasis pod and loose everything that had been gained so far in their current timeline.

So they made sure to stay awake and to keep on doing their part to contribute towards making their new home world a better place for their people.
As well as a safe place for Mark to live and be ok.

However, as determined as they were while working as hard as they could - the Captain kept finding themselves getting lost in memories through various triggers that came their way. It was hard to avoid since it could be something as simple as walking down the road and hearing a parent call one of their children 'Sport' - and suddenly the Captain would find themselves being thrown back into a bedroom with a fatherly version of Mark standing right by their side. Which - as far as reoccurring memories went - was one of the better ones for the Captain to get lost in.

Other times there were various memories of Mark dying horrifically before their eyes due to constantly jumping into strange worlds through the wormhole, or of Mark murdering people for fun as a serial killer - a Mark who was left alone and isolated on the Invincible, screaming at them as they felt themselves being torn away from their emotionally broken head engineer.

Those were the worsts since all the Captain could do was let those painful memories replay on repeat in their mind, until either somebody came up to them and snapped the Captain from their deep thoughts - or the Captain eventually blinked out of their memory and carried on while ignoring the hollowed out feeling in their chest from the haunting past choices of their actions.

The Captain had hoped that the triggers were mostly caused by their far-too-familiar surroundings on the Invincible; only to have their hopes of leaving them behind to be destroyed the more they found themselves getting trapped in their own mind due to almost anything that could potentially trigger them without being able to prepare beforehand.

They had another incident; where they had been walking towards their current office in a very recently built building - having been warned that there was a temporary glitch with some of the doors in the building getting stuck mid-opening - so that anyone on the other side had to manually open them to help whoever was locked out.

Everybody knew about it, the Captain included - but when a familiar face of someone who had previously worked as part of the crew on the Invincible and was now working in one of the labs, looked through the glass window in the door right at the Captain - a memory flashed before their eyes:

"Captain? Captain open the door! Please - you wouldn't just let me die, would you?"

He stood there staring at them through his glowing glasses while crying on the other side of the door; pleading for his life as the Captain froze in place, remembering the horrific world of demonic creature leaping from behind the doors they kept opening. For some reason they were expecting someone else from a long time ago, even if they couldn't put their finger on who they were. But while straining to remember that someone and being wary of their choices - time ran out as the crewmate was sucked out into space with a scream-

"Uh Captain?"

Blinking out of the memories that were still very much there in the back of their head - the Captain faked a smile while pushing back the guilt at what they didn't do to save the other version of the man before them; and pressed the right buttons by the door to release their subordinate.

"Sorry about that, my mind went blank for a moment."

The tall scientist smiled back with no ill will towards them.

"No problem Captain! Thank you for letting me out..."

They parted with a nod as the Captain left, feeling a rush of adrenaline speed through their veins; wanting nothing more than to run away screaming, but just managed to get themselves to their office to break down for a moment as the Captain cradled their head into their shaking hands.

It wasn't the first time this sort of thing happened to them; going from the smallest reminders such as holding a pen (with flashes of holding a small surgical knife to help assist fellow Doctor; Dr Mark Iplier, with surgery), to looking at everyone around them and remembering specific timelines - such as Burt being inside a computer that he was ready to blow up the ship with, Gunther getting shot by the ADS while walking in reverse through a timeline and Celci giggling manically while putting everyone in a deep frozen sleep to escape the hellish time loops.
Then there was Mack.

The Captain felt guilty for the way they had been treating this current timeline's Mack, who had only ever worked hard and tried to meet his Captain's approval - only to be shunned by them in an attempt to keep him at arm's length.

They knew from the sadden look on his face whenever they quickly dismissed him, that they had hurt his feelings from constantly stopping him from elaborating his ideas further while clearly taking the time to listen to everybody else speak about their work in detail. What they were doing was not only disrespectful to a hard working member of the team - but certainly seemed unfair from his end with the impression that like they disliked him for no good reason.

Meanwhile, all the Captain saw in Mack's face were the other timelines where he was much more sinister - taking control and cruelly punishing the Captain in various ways through the glitching disjointed realities while Mack went mad with power over the colony; fearing that gleefully malicious face turning onto them whenever this world's Mack was just trying to talk about his own harmless engineering ideas.

It was one of many things that stood in the Captain's way; despite the fact that it was all over now. Despite the fact that they and Mark were finally safe and it was finally over - if only they could just get a grip of themselves and stop being so irresponsible for once in their life...

Taking a deep breath, the Captain walked over towards the huge glass window in their office to lean their forehead against the cool smooth surface - while trying not to think of all the times the window shattered in space; taking them and Mark into the expansive starry depths of space that killed them every single time.

'These memories just won't stop, huh.'

No matter how busy and distracted they tried to keep to keep themselves; the Captain always ended up stuck in a memory of some sort while being unable to forget - even though it was over and things were better as their people thrived in their new home world.
But no matter how they chastised themselves for acting this way, they were still very much affected by what had happened on their journey to get here with the warp core, worm holes and the many many realities that were left behind in destruction.

And they knew they weren't the only one, as the Captain's thoughts strayed over to their head engineer.

Mark was possibly the one person who they held dearer to them than anyone else - with so many strong feelings and attachments tied to him between the shared experience of the hell they both survived and how much they cared for him more than they had ever felt about anyone else. The Captain knew that one way or another, they had a lot of love for Mark too.

But even though they have both spent so much time together since settling in their new home; neither of the pair had talked about what happened, let alone any 'intimately' mutual feelings the pair had for each other.

Not wanting to talk about their shared experience with the wormhole and all the lives and realities the pair had lived through, on top of every excruciating death; it was clearly having an effect on both the Captain and Mark's day-to-day lives.

Even though there had been good days - days where they both felt proud of the growth and improvements of the colony; where they both hung out together to talk about mundane things going on in either one's lives while enjoying the benefits of the planet and the homes they were now living in - there was no ignoring the fact that there were still bad days for either of them.
Days such as when the Captain would dissociate to the point of being unable to come back out of their own head without Mark's help, or when Mark's irritation finally gave into anger and had to be taken aside by the Captain - it was on those days they made sure to be there for one another no matter how long it took.

Even with the several opportunities to talk in those moments - the Captain didn't dare do so in fear of Mark rejecting them or it turning out to be the 'bad choice' that could destroy everything in this timeline.

Instead the pair barely talked and would wordlessly hold onto each other; either until the Captain became more 'present' or Mark's mood shifted and lead to him sobbing in their arms until the torrent of emotion passed through the head engineer.

The comfort was welcomed in any case; even with the internal guilt and agony still storming within the pair; before they would both inevitably pull apart and carry on like nothing had happened.

Barely resisting the view on the other side of their window - the Captain tried to focus on the cool feeling against their head. unfortunately the feeling of the glass didn't do much to ground them as a numbness started to ease through their mental state the more they stared off over the city view before them.
Suddenly - the Captain gasped at the unexpected feel of something nudging the back of their leg.

Looking down, they saw Chica looking right back up to them after having just nosed the back of the Captain's leg for attention. Despite currently being in the middle of being aware and a heavy 'blank' feeling; the Captain couldn't help but smile at that sweet faced dog.

"Hey Chica... hey..."

As they felt the strength to hold themselves up leave their body, the Captain soon went down to sit on the floor to be a lot closer to Chica as the golden retriever nuzzled right into their face while they reached up and started to pet Chica in response to her actions.

"Yeah, I'm glad to see you too girl."

It took a while for the Captain to come back to being more 'themselves' again as their hands kept busy giving the dog the fusses she wanted - but eventually they did become more grounded; with the thought of how glad they were not to have been caught out this time by anyone else who might start seeing a pattern with the slowly rising frequency of these 'episodes' from the Captain. 

"You're a real helper Chica, such a good girl aren't ya."

With a soft bark in response, the Captain gave her a small smile back as their hands ran through Chica's fur in long pets. Even with Chica doing a better job of bringing the Captain back to reality better than their own attempts - the Captain couldn't help but think more about their situation out loud.

"This can't go on... but there's no way that I can ever talk to anyone about this. They'll think I've finally lost it and label me as insane."

As much as the Captain had faith in their own medical health care system, especially when concerning mental health; they knew that the detail events involving the wormholes and paradoxes - that lead to living and dying in so many lifetimes so many times - was still a fantastical story for anyone who wasn't there to see it for themselves.

"The one person I could talk about this with, that I need to talk about it with... I don't think it would be a good idea right now since he's not been doing too well either."

The Captain's petting motions started to slow down, prompting Chica to nestle closer as she laid down on their lap. A sense of melancholy grew within the Captain at an overwhelming rate; thinking of all that they had to carry by themselves and seeing how Mark struggled from afar with his own hurt.

"I wish we could talk - but I'm scared of making things worse for him by bringing it up. That he might just want to forget that any of it had happened..."

Their tired eyes began to burn, holding Chica loosely while their fingers combed through her fur - which at the very least was a little soothing comfort.

"I want to sleep again, but I'm afraid of everything disappearing again if I do and loosing what little I have with Mark now. I don't want to wake up in that cryo-pod again. I know its suppose to be over... that I need to be stronger so I can help Mark and be there for the colony. I just... just..."

Breathing in with a shudder, the Captain felt their eyes well up with tears, as Chica licked their face.

"I'm not. I'm not strong, and I'm terrified that I'll make another wrong choice that I can't undo and will ruin everything - or hurt Mark again... Oh Chica, I don't want to loose him..."

Burying their face into the palm of their hand while the other hand stilled, remaining on Chica's head; the Captain cried quietly as they spoke in a broken whisper.

"I just want to go to sleep again."

It would be a long while before the Captain would be able to pick themselves up from their most recent 'episode' - pushing themselves onwards to continue pretending that everything was fine and that there was nothing for anyone else to worry about with them.

At least Chica made the Captain feel a little bit better by walking alongside them for a while longer until Mark was done for the day.

Chapter Text

Mark hadn't been handling things too well.

He'd like to think he was good at covering up his deteriorating mental health, or at the very least had tried being more productive to take away his attention from everything that involved the warp core.
But as the months went by, Mark found himself starting to get more and more irritable around other people - which he was usually able to hide his aggravation by walking it off to the next thing that needed to be fixed, maintained or starting work on.

Unfortunately his recent squabble with Celci lead to him exploding into an unwarranted argument that came out a lot harsher than his usual disagreements with her. It didn't help that everyone nearby had witnessed him losing it just as the Captain came in to break them apart.
Mark felt awful about the amount of times that the Captain had to drag him aside in those moments where he was close to lashing out - and even worse that they got there too late when it shouldn't be their job to babysit him whenever he couldn't handle his own shit.

The engineer berated himself for not being like this; for still causing trouble for the Captain after everything they had already gone through as a result of his mistakes. Part of him just wanted to scream at them;

'Just give up on me! Haven't you had enough? Of my shit - of how I fucked up and constantly reminding you of the hell we went through?!'

But no matter how bad or undeserving he felt of their attention - Mark couldn't turn down the Captain's offer to hold him whenever he was on the brink of a meltdown. Allowing himself to be held in a way that made him feel safe - safe enough to let loose the floodgate of tears he fought so hard to bottle up throughout the days prior; and seeing how the Captain never seem to hate him for the way he acted as they did all that they could to sooth him while he wrapped his own arms around them just as tightly.
Mark was grateful that they didn't try to talk about the things that had happened to them; even though he knew that they probably should talk no matter how much he didn't want to. That it wasn't healthy to keep going like this when the effects of their trauma were starting to impact their own individual lives.

But instead, Mark allowed himself these small wordless comforts of his Captain's strong arms around him; feeling safe and secure in their warm embrace while bringing him back to some kind of stable peacefulness in the aftermath of his tears.

They were his one solid rock in the stormy chaotic seas of his mind as the memories replayed in his dreams in the same way he knew that they plagued the Captain's own mind.
The memories of all that he did for what he had believed to be for the better, as well as everything else he chose for the worse, were the heavy burden that wore him down as he pushed it further back deep inside. Not wanting to acknowledge what he went through while there was a brand new planet and home to deal with... all the while knowing how the guilt and phantom memories of pain or darkness just weighed on him to the point of struggling internally - ultimately building up to the next breakdown that would become inevitable and make him question if it was all really worth carrying on like this.

But there were still a few things that were keeping him here and giving him a reason to keep holding on.

As Mark sat up in his bed from yet another terrible nightmare (this time of being torn apart in by a swirling vortex while the Captain desperately tried to hold onto him with horror in their eyes at what was happening to him) - he reminded himself of his internal list to why he was still here.

Firstly, the Captain - not only being there for him the same way he would always try to be there for them, but he also felt strongly attached to them.

The Captain was his friend, his most trusted person and maybe even loved them more than that... even though Mark doubts that he'll be admitting that anything close to that any time soon (not after what he did to them; not after all the blame that had been pinned on them when it was all his fault in the first place).

Whatever their relationship was with each other, the comfort that they provided him at his lowest meant the world to Mark as he hoped that whatever he could offer the Captain when they were showing signs of struggling themselves, he could still be enough for them whenever they needed him in any capacity.
And even with the horrors of the past lingering over them - there were the times that the Captain and Mark had spent together in this new life; sharing meals and going out to explore the recently built entertainment facilities together while talking almost about anything together were the most precious moments to Mark that he held dear. If just being allowed to be by their side and nothing more was all he had, then he would always be grateful for that much.

Looking out the window at the city outside being illuminated by the morning sunrise; Mark was reminded of how passionate he was about his work and how he still felt that drive to do his bit to help improve the lives of everyone now living here.
No matter his past; Mark was willing to work just as hard through the hunger and exhaustion in order to contribute for the betterment of his fellow humans in the colony, as well as for the work he did in his field of engineering.

Sitting for a long time with his legs over the edge of the bed; Mark's third reason for living came pattering into the room and wandering over to him with a light nudge at his leg. He looked over to see Chica looking up at him before she stood up on her hind legs while balancing her front paws on his knees, as Mark smiled at seeing her - ruffling her fur down her neck.

"Morning Chica..."

No matter the despair Mark felt - his faithful furry companion was always able to make him feel happy to at least see her when he was struggling the most.
Chica just had a knack of grounding him from his nightmares and mood swings so that he could get up to be ready for the day ahead of him.

There was a time when he had no problem getting himself back on track; back to when the 'worst' thing about getting up in the morning was wanting an extra five minutes in bed. Now, if it wasn't for Chica's to help him along in the mornings, Mark would be stuck on his bed - not wanting to move or face the world and the people in it with the temptation to curl up back under the blankets again.

He's noticed that this sort of feeling has been growing worse in the past few months. What had been originally shrugged off as 'a bad day' had carried on for much longer with no end in sight.

Hearing Chica bark in front of him; Mark found himself just standing past the door, which prompted him to push forward to take care of the golden retriever before getting ready for work.

"Alright Chica - lets get ourselves some breakfast. I could definitely do with some coffee right now."

Chica, the Captain and his job stopped him from giving into the temptation to end it all and let him hope that someday - memories would start to fade. He would never forget all that he was responsible for, but Mark intended to atone for his mistakes through his work for the world around him.
And then maybe one day him and the Captain could find their peace together in this new home of theirs for the rest of their days...

----

----

Nightmares were the one thing that had haunted Mark ever since he stepped foot on this planet. As time went by, Mark has had several of terrible dreams that served as a reminder for his sins and all he had to endure in his attempts to 'save' everyone. However, tonight would be the worst nightmare yet as Mark unconsciously tossed and turned in his bed while his dreams took a turn for the worse;

He's running through the woods, mostly naked but unconcerned as an anger thrummed under his skin with a feral need to fight anyone in his way - chasing innocent people who had the misfortune to cross his path.

Mark no longer felt human; that this version of himself  barely knows what to be human even means any more.

But when he sees the Captain, this version of himself doesn't recognize them as a growl ripped out of his throat before pouncing onto them without a second thought.

"Mark- don't! Please-"

He's attacking them; pinning them down onto the dusty dirt beneath them while tearing apart the Captain's clothes and skin with his bare clawed hands. There's blood - so much blood and screaming from them, which doesn't stop him at all - not even when the Captain spoke their final weaken words to him.

"D-don't go... into the warp core... don't... go back..."

Their words makes no difference to him. The Captain soon dies under his ruthless hands that are still tearing into them; as he starts to eat parts of the fresh corpse beneath him...

He wakes up screaming. Mark screams louder than he has ever screamed before in absolute agony and horror at what his brain had revealed to him - feeling sickness fills his throat mixed in with the phantom memory of what the other him did to the Captain.
With his mind in such a jumble of panic and the remnants of sleep; Mark somehow gets from his bed - stumbling over Chica - before rushing into the bathroom with the door slammed closed behind him, and falling to his knees in front of the toilet to throw up. Tears fell while parts of the nightmare replays over and over again in his mind - making him coughed harder before giving into hysterical sobs at what he's witnessed being done to the Captain by his hands.

In his misery and cries, Mark barely noticed Chica barking loudly outside his door as she tried to jump up against and paw at the barrier keeping her out while he broke down on the floor of his bathroom.

He has had some awful dreams since living in this home of his - hating the memory of straddling the Captain while he smothered them to death with a pillow, or when he saw them giggling into madness before an alien gladiator slaughtered them violently in a battle arena.

There had been so many since Mark had started having these nightmares - but seeing himself as that monstrous creature while the Captain still kept trying to help him with their dying breath made him hate himself all the more for all the mistakes he had made that lead him through all those particularly harsh realities in the first place.

"Just stop - please, make it stop..."

Even though he tried so hard to remind himself why he was still here - why he kept on living with hopes of a future where things could possibly be better - right now he wanted nothing more than to just sleep a dreamless sleep and never wake up again.
If he had any strength or the will to push past his current state of mind, he would be considering the very items in his bathroom cabinet that would help him end this burden once and for all.

But right now, he continued to cry out his sorrows as he crumbled down without any awareness of the world beyond his bathroom door...

----

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door - Chica was whining between barks as she grew concerned for her human with distressed noises could be heard through the door she was unable to open.
After a few more moments of pacing and trying to get Marks attention; when there were no sign of the door opening any time soon, Chica gave a few more barks before rushing towards the dog flap leading into the back yard under the vast dark night sky.

Normally, Chica wouldn't stray far from the house without Mark - the only exception being when she was brought into work with him and was allowed to wander around until the head engineer was ready to go home again. However, under these circumstances and knowing that Mark needed help that she couldn't give him - Chica escaped over the fence and ran down the empty neighborhood street as she barked loudly in the early hours of the morning.

The only house with somebody awake inside was the Captain's; who had been sitting out on the steps to look up at the stars for a bit of fresh air. They were quick to notice Chica hurtling towards them as the Captain got up and made their way over to her.

"Chica? What's wrong-?"

She jumped up at them before landing and circling back round to return to Mark's place, looking back with another bark while the Captain wasted no time in following the distressed dog leading the way.
In minutes they both entered Mark's front door - the Captain knowing his entrance code off by heart the way they were sure that Mark knew their's, as Chica rushed past once the door was opened.

The Captain found Chica pacing in front of a closed door, leading in to the bathroom, looking up at them who was starting to hear faint sounds of crying on the other side.
Feeling a twist of worry in their chest, the Captain moved closer before knocking on the bathroom door as they tried to keep out the tremble in their voice while speaking softly to him.

"Mark? Mark its me..."

They knocked again, feeling Chica close by their leg as Mark continued to cry - unaware of the Captain trying to call for his attention. As much as they would prefer to have Mark's permission to enter, the Captain was getting worried the longer the engineer didn't respond to them and so - decided to open the door tentatively and saw Mark hunched over the toilet while clearly still crying hard in the most heartbreaking way.

"Mark?"

He didn't take notice until Chica slipped past the Captain again to rush over towards Mark; nosing against his side until Mark eventually raised his head to look up at the golden retriever with redden teary eyes.

The Captain saw Mark take a few moments to gather himself, before eventually raising his hand to stroke Chica's fur as he spoke softly between his shuddering sobs.

"Chica..." Mark's eyes trailed to the door where the Captain was standing, not wanting to crowd him but at the same time wanting desperately to go over and take Mark into their embrace and ease whatever hurt he was currently going through.

"Captain?"

"Hey Mark..."

Stepping closer, the Captain tried to put on a brave face when all they wanted to do was dive down and gather him tightly into their arms.
"Is it alright if I sit down next to you?"

When he gave them a quiet nod, the Captain settled down near enough to be in arms reach while trying not to crowd Mark in case he was not ready for any kind of contact just yet.

"What can I do to help?"

Mark didn't say anything in response; looking at the Captain with such heartbreaking eyes while having an armful of Chica to comb his fingers carefully through her fur.

"Ok," The Captain placed their hand on the floor near him as they spoke softly,
"It's alright - I'll be here right here Mark, for however long you need me..."

So they say on the floor in a silence that didn't feel uncomfortable nor awkward while Mark was still calming down; hearing the sound of Chica's snuffles being the only noise that could be heard until Mark eventually spoke up in a rough voice.

"I... I killed you. I murdered..."

His eyes filled up with tears again as the Captain reached for Mark's hand to hold gently; feeling him squeeze back while trying to avoid looking directly at them in an attempt to hold back from another round of crying.

"I'm still here Mark. You didn't-"

"But I did!"

Mark exclaimed, weakly trying to pull his hand away but not resisting when the Captain kept a hold of him while feeling their thumb rub over the back of him hand in a small attempt of comfort.

"I tore you apart and then- then I..."

A sob escaped Mark; looking both ill and horrified at the disturbing memory of a memory that didn't quite belong to him - as the hand that was on Chica now covered his own mouth, while the dog leaned in on Mark with such a sad and worried look for her human.
All the Captain could do was offer support for him - quietly letting go of his hand and offer an invitation for a one-arm embrace, as Mark shuffled closer before burying his face into their neck while the Captain loosely wrapped their arms around him too.

When Mark eventually calmed down again; feeling himself being lightly rocked while the Captain brushed the back of his neck, he knew that despite such a tender moment - he was also starting to feel uncomfortable from being on the hard floor for so long.

However, the engineer didn't want to move. He didn't want the Captain to leave like they usually did - even though it was usually because Mark never wanted to talk about the reason for his meltdowns; or the Captain never wanted to share whatever memory they had been lost in that almost always seem to take them out of reality.

This time, Mark felt too open and raw with vulnerability to be left alone right now. With nothing else to work on or something to channel his focus on as a distraction, Mark also doubted that he could just move on this time after seeing something so nightmarish being done to someone he cared the most for in this world. Having the Captain here gave Mark the relief that they were still very much alive - but he didn't know how many more times he can go through those nightmares; especially when he felt like he should have moved on by now without having to keep bothering the Captain due to him being unable to handle his own problems.

"We both did a lot of things in those other worlds," The Captain whispered, breaking Mark's thoughts while loving the soothing motions of their hand rubbing from his neck down to the top of his back.
"Either by our own choice or just - going along with how that world was... yeah it was us, but they also weren't us Mark. Just different versions of us... I hurt you in so many of those time lines - even murdered you and everyone when I thought I was starting over trying to find the right path out of that looping nightmare."

Mark swallowed, his mouth feeling dry but still not wanting to move from the warmth of his Captain as he listened to them speak about the things they had both been afraid to talk about for such a long time.

"I don't know how you can stand to be near me after everything that I had done Mark - but I want you to know that I could never hate you... you mean so much to me Mark. Maybe one big part of it is because we survived so much shit together - but mostly I just like you a lot. I love how passionate you are about your work and everything you have done for the colony since we've landed on this planet. I love how I can see your face and feel a little bit ok again no matter how bad everything else feels."

Mark's chest ached as a wave of emotion hit him again for a different reason - for all the affections he had for his dearest Captain that he still wasn't emotionally ready to confess to them; but it still felt so good to hear them say all this out loud to him.

"There will probably be more bad days ahead, but I know I can handle it with you to turn to and being there for you in return. However you might need me Mark... and I - I think we should talk more about what happened rather than trying to ignore it. We don't have to talk about it straight away, but I think holding it in the way we have been doing isn't the best way. I'm - I'm so grateful for all the times you've been there for me when I wasn't 100% myself or get so lost in a memory that I forget where I am. We didn't talk, but you were still there and I'm glad, so glad, that I still have you after everything."

"...I-" Mark pulled back, fondness for them overflowing in the midst of the chaos that was still going on in his head, as his hand trailed up to cup their cheek in his hand.
"I'm sorry for not wanting to talk about it... I'm not going to lie, I still don't want to - but... you're right. We should talk about it and, I just want to say that I feel the same. All of it. For all the times you were there for me - even if I didn't talk; even after everything I did and blamed you for, you still let me lose it and held me through it. I walked off afterwards because I was running away from any chance of that conversation coming up - but despite that, you were still there for me when it happened again."

"I'll always be there for you Mark." The Captain leaned in, bumping their forehead against his as Mark gave them a small warm smile.

"I know Captain... and I'm there for you too."

It was a sweet moment between them - and although it was far from solving all of their problems that either of them had, it was still a start for them both. In the future, they will both talk more in depth of the things that they really wanted to bring up along with looking into computer AI therapist programs to possibly help with managing their own issues with trauma among other things to discuss...
But right now - there was an ache settling into both the Captain and Mark's bones from being on the floor for too long, tiredness urged Mark to return to his bed despite the severity of his previous nightmare.

"Can we talk more about this in the morning? I just... I think I'm ready to go back to bed now."

"Of course Mark."

Their own smile made Mark's heart beat a little faster as they helped him up, Chica standing up along with them as she patiently waited to see what the pair would do next.
He told himself that he should let go of their hand so that the Captain could return back to their own bed while he went to get ready before returning back to his - but Mark stared down at their still-joined hands; not wanting to let go and a little relieved that the Captain wasn't trying to shake him off either.

"...Captain?"

"Yeah Mark?"

"Could you stay over... just to sleep? If its too weird to share a bed, you can have mine and I can get out my camp bed if..." he trailed off, not wanting to say that he still didn't want them to go just yet as the Captain kindly responded to him with a soft squeeze of their hand.

"I don't mind at all. I'd be more than happy too..."

As Mark went to rinse his mouth out before leading the Captain out the room, he noticed a brief indescribable look cross their face - making him doubt if they really wanted to stay with him after all. By the time they were heading to his room, guilt had started to build up as Mark internally berated himself for not being able to handle going back to bed by himself.

"You don't have to join me Captain if you don't want to-"

"I do - I swear Mark. It's just..."

Watching them pause for a moment before they sighed and met Mark's eyes.

"I... I haven't been sleeping. Not since we got here... I've been managing a couple of hours before I wake myself up and - well then I forced myself to stay awake for as long as I can."

Mark stepped closer, letting Chica pass through into his room so that she could head towards her own bed near his, while the Captain's expression turned a little melancholic.

"Are you having nightmares too?"

"Sometimes... but really, its because I'm afraid of waking up back there. Back in the cryo-pod."

The Captain looked up with eyes that were shining with their own un-shed tears as a soft forced laugh slipped through. 

"I - whenever I died or something went wrong; I'd always ended up back in there. It kept happening to the point that even when I just killed myself or took everyone down with me - it didn't matter. I just kept waking up back in there..."

Mark placed his hand on the Captain's back; watching them drop their head down with a huff as they continued.

"Even when it was over, when the paradox was resolved - I woke up and just got so afraid that it was still going to somehow start all over again... Even though it's been so long since its all happened, I'm scared of it being like those other timelines where I lived for several years; only to inevitably be sent back to that damn pod again. I just - I just don't want to go to sleep and wake up back there again... but god, I do want to sleep again."

"Then lets go sleep." Mark spoke softly, getting them to look back at him - both knowing that they both were emotionally all over the place, but also knew as they made their way to Mark's bed that despite it all they still had each other.

Since the Captain was already wearing their pajamas regardless of their nonexistent sleep schedule, they only had to slip off their shoes and settle down alongside Mark on the bed, huddling under the blankets as the pair both laid down on their sides facing each other with a little distance between them.

"Is this still ok?"

Mark murmured, his hand resting between them at eye-level an quickly met with a small nod as the Captain's own warm hand covered his - prompting them both to shuffle closer to each other and soon found themselves wrapped in each other's arms again under different circumstances that they were both fine with.

At this point, they both knew that the relationship between them had already gone beyond friendship. Between what they had survived and spending most of their free time (as well as time during work) together on their new home world, the Captain and Mark had definitely bonded with a relationship that had grown into something more.
Down the line among their future discussions, would be talks of dates and even verbal confessions of love for each other along the way of finding a name for what they were.

But that was a talk for another day. Right now, the Captain and Mark were dozing off into a sound sleep - feeling a little better to have the other close by, with Mark resting his head on their chest and hearing their faint heartbeat while the Captain felt a sense of security with Mark in their arms; soon to follow Mark into a deep slumber for the first in a very long time.

---

By morning, they were both awoken by a sudden weight jumping onto the bed and immediately nosing at Mark with a few licks until the head engineer grumbled out of his sleep.

"Ngh- Chica, come on..."

It took Mark a minute to wake up and realize that he wasn't alone in his bed; remembering the events from last night as he looked over at the half-awake Captain currently rubbing the sleep out of their eyes with a yawn.

As he sat up, Mark ruffled Chica's fur while taking in the moment before him - feeling his chest feel ignited with a new sense of hope in the future that involved them and that maybe, even if it still meant many more days ahead of struggling with the past; that it could someday become bareable while worth working through it all with the Captain by his side.
Of course those thoughts were halted by Chica pawing at him while nuzzling her face into his.

"Ok- ok Chica, give me a moment..."

The Captain snorted amused at what they were seeing from where they were still laying down from.

"I guess she's making sure that we don't sleep the whole day away, huh."

"That and she's probably hungry - ok I'm up for real now..."

Rolling out of bed, followed by Chica and the Captain - they all got ready for the morning from using the bathroom to making their way over to the kitchen, as the Captain noticed that they felt really refreshed without feeling the usual sense of dread for the day or the triggers they might encounter.
Right now, seeing Mark making coffee was enough to make them smile as they padded closer to the table while Chica ate her breakfast enthusiastically.

"Thank you Captain..."

"Hm?"

Mark's back was still turned, focusing on brewing the coffee as he spoke up a little louder,
"I was just saying - thank you. For staying over."

"Oh..."

They felt their own face heat up, "Well, thank you for letting me stay. It's been a long time since I slept that well, so I was more than happy to stay..."

There was a long pause, Mark pouring out the coffee the way he knew how the Captain liked theirs as he placed the cups on the table where the Captain was sitting at. Sitting down to join them, Mark looked up and met their eyes again with a question on his tongue.

"Would you like to sleep over again... later tonight?"

Their breath hitched, before relaxing into a slight smile that Mark returned.

"I would like that Mark."

And so their day began with what really felt like a start to a new chapter in their lives - however they would heal, relapse, support and grow with each other; they would with the other close by.

So while they decided on what to have for breakfast, they also fussed over Chica who wondered up to them both - wagging her tail and happy to get attention from them both. Mark especially happy as he leaned down to loosely hug her with so much love for his furry companion.

"Good girl Chica, love you lots puppy."