Archive of Our Own

Katsuki couldn't sleep. Something was wrong, he didn't know what, but he knew something was off. It was like there was a slight pressure on his chest, refusing to let him relax. Was this anxiety? He hadn’t experienced anxiety since he was a child, he hadn’t had a reason to. He had always been a natural at everything, accomplished every goal he wanted to accomplish, placed first in any event he competed in. Even when facing villains, he always had a deep seeded determination that stifled all other emotions, including fear and anxiety. It was key to his success as a hero, it allowed him to focus. So laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling at two in the morning, completely obliterating any sense of a sleep schedule he’d constructed, Katsuki was pissed. 

He had no reason, no fucking reason, to be feeling anxious like a little bitch. He might as well be Deku, and fuck that. He understood that anxiety was, like, a condition or whatever but not one that he ever had to deal with. He was the best, for fucks sake.  And the best was not about to ruin his sleep schedule over fucking nothing. Fucking air. Fucking- FUCK. 

He kicked his blanket off and sat up, huffing out a breath. This was fucking stupid. Standing up, he pulled on some running attire, a tank top and some loose shorts, and headed out for a stupid early run. He was gonna be damned if he let this night go to waste, and wasn't running supposed to release, like, endorphins or something? At least he was turning this stupid situation into something productive. 

Silently, he made his way downstairs and out the front doors of the dorms, taking his newly-learned “stealth route,” as he called it. Normally, he wouldn't take others that much into consideration. Normally, he wouldn't care if he woke up the whole damn building. But as of late, the security in their dorms has been ass-tight, and in light of recent events he didn't really blame UA for installing motion-sensing cameras and near-invisible laser trips. But damn, it could be annoying. 

The chill of the autumn air on his face only irritated him further, but so does everything else, so what’s new. Slowly, he made his way to the beginning of his route, doing some stretches along the way. 

While in a particularly deep lunge, he heard the bush next to him rustle and the distinct sound of a sniffle. It was none of his business, he should walk away. Whatever hobo and/or loser that was hiding in the bushes was none of his business. And he would have kept walking to his run route, he really would have, if it were not for his stupid anxiety that spiked so high he choked. The slow-burning rage that had been growing inside him all night finally burst, this was all so fucking lame, this shit doesn’t happen to him. 

He stood up and blasted the wall of the building above where whatever loser was sniveling in the bushes. 

He heard a yelp, suspicions confirmed that yes, someone was indeed hiding between the bushes and the dorm building. Patience spent and stomping over, he ripped the branches aside, mouth already open in some sort of insult, when he saw who was hiding and physically cringed. 

“Wha- Deku?”

He was, for lack of better words, sitting on his ass, curled up in a ball, head between his knees. His head slowly raised to meet the newcomer, and his eyes widened when he locked eyes with Katsuki. His eyes were rimmed with water and shining brighter than the floodlights on the UA grounds. His freckles were stained red, and his lips were slightly parted as he took Katsuki in. What made Katsuki cringe though, was the deep purple bags under Izuku's eyes. They were so dark, if Katsuki didn't know better, he would have thought Izuku had two black eyes. Plainly, he looked tired and distraught. 

Katsuki knew Izuku didn’t have a good sleep schedule, but honestly what the fuck was this? Izuku made no move to get up, to respond, to even acknowledge that he heard Katsuki say something, and eventually dropped his head back to his knees with a small bounce, as if he didn't have the capacity to care he had been spotted. 

“Deku, what the fuck are you doing out here? Get up.” No response. 

“Deku, I said get up,” and on the last word he bent over, grabbed Izuku by the arm, and yanked him up, none too kindly. 

Izuku stubbled forward, nearly falling into the bushes caging him, before Katsuki grabbed his arm again to keep him steady. 

“Seriously Deku,” he sighed. “Why are you out here?”

A small sniffle leaked out of Izuku, “I… couldn’t…” He kept his eyes to the ground, refusing to meet Katsuki’s and refusing to continue. 

“You couldn't?” No response. 

Katsuki blinked. He was still pissed, but jesus this boy looked wrecked. Deku usually can never shut the hell up, but now Katsuki can barely get two words out of him. Literally. Katsuki needed to handle this carefully. 

“You’re not making sense. Go back to your room, stupid nerd.” Finally releasing Izuku, Katsuki stepped back, but quickly leaped forward to catch Izuku when he started wobbling and tipping over again. Holding him close, not quite a hug or else he would barf, Katsuki realized that Izuku would, indeed, fall flat to the ground if he let go. His body was supporting some of his weight, not quite limp yet, but his head was resting on Katsuki’s chest, with absolutely no energy left to hold it up, much less stand on his own. Katsuki was half tempted to just let him fall, the nerd deserved it for ruining his run before it even began. This night really was turning out to be a waste. 

With a deep sigh he reached down, and in one fluid sweep, lifted Izuku into his arms. “C’mon stupid nerd, I’m taking you back to your room.” 

There was no response, no even indication that Izuku heard him speak. Wow, this loser must be out. 

Katsuki made his way back into the building, retracing his steps from earlier, backtracking his “stealth route” but changing it slightly to make his way back to Izuku’s floor. He could only hope that Izuku’s door was unlocked, because he was not digging through Izuku’s pants to find his keys. He would rather leave the brat in the hallway. 

Exiting the stairwell onto Izuku’s floor, a pair of angled eyes spotted him from down the hall. Katsuki let out a grunt and continued on to Izuku’s room, which thank fuck his door was unlocked, Tokoyami’s eyes following him the whole way. 

One last glance was spared back at bird bitch, not a word exchanged, and the door slammed shut. Izuku stirred at the loud noise, but showed no sign of consciousness. 

Setting Izuku in his bed, Katsuki threw a blanket over him, but nothing more because no? However, he couldn’t help but to linger a few minutes, peering down at the nerd. He really did look tired, near dead. Katsuki had noticed the idiot’s state deteriorating over the week but holy hell he looked rough right now. There was a point in Katsuki’s life, a very small, brief, insignificant point, in his life, where he might, on a good day, describe Izuku as something close to cute. But right now, he was nothing more than a lifeless corpse. Ever since the villain fight what five, six days ago? Izuku has started acting strange. He has been far too early to classes, they have crossed paths during Katsuki’s before-school runs, but Izuku was also awake late at night in the community lounge when Katsuki woke up and went to get some water. If he cared about the loser, Katsuki might even be a little worried about him. 

Sure, the boy never slept before, but he sure never sleeps now. So, as pissed as Katsuki was about this idiot-induced inconvenience, he was relieved to see that said idiot was fast asleep. For once. Plus, Katsuki noted, his stupid anxiety seems to have disappeared. Maybe a small walk in the morning air was all he needed.

Content that Izuku was resting not in the bushes, he turned around to go back to his own dorm room, ready to finally sleep. But, when he was halfway through the door, he heard a small “no” come from inside the room. He paused, waiting for Izuku to continue, but nothing came. Moving forward again, another “no,” but slightly more stressed this time, enough to make Katsuki turn around.

“No, please… please,” Izuku mumbled, eyes shut. He continued mumbling, but Katsuki was more focused on the green lightning slowly coursing through Izuku’s skin. This fucking imbecile is going full cowling in his sleep? “I won’t- no- NO,” Izuku flew out of his bed, standing, heaving in the center of the room, staring down at the rug in the center of his room. 

Katsuki was shaken into finally stepping in to intervene when he saw the green lightning crackling around the room, knocking pictures off the wall and tumbling figurines from their shelves. “NO,” Izuku screamed again, eyes open but unseeing, as he fell to his knees, palms facing the sky. If Izuku could see, the only thing he would be seeing was his upturned palms, as even when Katsuki knelt in front of him and started shaking his shoulder, his eyes never left his hands. 

“Deku, snap out of it,” Shake, “Deku cut your fucking shit, you’re ruining your- ohmygod fucking loser you almost hit me!” A book barreled past his ear, smacking the wall behind him, before slumping to the floor.  Izuku’s hands were shaking, lightning still coursing through his veins. 

Katsuki grabbed his chin, forcing Izuku to meet his eyes, when he noticed the streams of tears running down Izuku’s face. He knew whatever was happening to Izuku was mental. He was stuck in some dimension between awake and asleep, somewhere wholly unpleasant. Either way, he immediately knew what was happening. 

Katsuki knew what it was like to be plagued with nightmares. The pain, the fear, the realism. The cold sweats you wake up with, the conversation you have with yourself to convince your brain that no it wasn't real, but despite that you still shudder when you hear the unsheathing of a kitchen knife from the knife block. He knew so well he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Not his kind, anyway. 

So, without hesitation Katsuki took Izuku into his arms, holding him and whispering soothing messages until Izuku could come to. He hated all forms of comfort and affection, but this he could do. This he could do, because he understands how it feels to be on the other side, and he hates it. As much as he hates to admit it, sometimes he wished someone was there when he woke up to reassure him that it wasn't real. Small ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I’m here’s’ leave Katsuki’s mouth, until full cowling slowly subsided, only to be replaced by shivering.

Izuku had come to. 

“Hey, you good?” He started. When Izuku finally looked up and met his eyes, truly seeing, Katsuki felt something inside him crush at the sight of this powerful, fearsome boy reduced to the shell in his arms. 

“I killed you.”

That was not what Katsuki was expecting to hear, that was not even in the realm of possibilities of something Izuku would ever say to him, ever. In hindsight, it may have seemed obvious, but he was so caught off guard that he couldn't make sense of the few words he’d been able to get out of Izuku all night.

“What?”

“Your blood, its-” Izuku lifted his hands, clean other than some dirt from the bushes, “It’s- I- He made me, and you died-” He lurched sideways out of Katsuki’s arms and grabbed his trash can nestled between the bed and his desk, promptly retching into it repeatedly. 

A hug really did turn out to be barf-worthy, Katsuki mused. Or would have, if Izuku didn’t seem as if he was in dire need of some help at the moment. 

Katsuki rubbed soothing circles into Izuku's back until he calmed down and pulled him back into another embrace, minding the small amount of vomit that had made its way onto Izuku’s shirt. “I’m right here,” he whispered, “I’m not dead, I’m right here.”

The shivers slowly subsided, the room reeked, “I’m right here,” and the sniffles dried to a stop. 

“I haven’t, exactly, been able to sleep recently.” Izuku started. “Every time I fall asleep here, I re-live the same few nightmares of killing my friends. You, Uraraka, All Might… I started seeing it during the day too, during class.” 

Katsuki didn’t know what to say, what to do to help, so he just listened. “I was out running because I didn’t want to sleep, and I saw it again. Ururaka was there, and I was beating her- and she stopped moving- and- and then just now, you were on the floor, and there was blood everywhere, all over my- my hands- and-” he lurched to the trash can again, vomiting what could only be bile at this point. 

“Hey, look at me, I’m right here. That didn't happen,” Katsuki grabbed Izuku’s hands, resting them on his chest so the shaken boy could feel his beating heart. “You didn’t kill anyone. I’m right here.” 

Izuku wiped the vomit from his lips and the remaining tears from his cheeks before he dropped his head into Katsuki’s shoulder, borderline nuzzling into his neck. Katsuki, really, really fucking hates this loser, he swears, but when he pulls Izuku into his lap, holding him close and reassuring he’s alive and well, even he can’t justify his actions. 

“If you get some rest, you’ll feel much better.” Katsuki reasons, though Izuku was immediately resistant.

“No, I can’t sleep here. The dreams are the worst here, I can’t- I just can’t.” A breathe, “I haven’t slept here for a reason.” 

“Deku, have you not been sleeping in your room?”

Izuku mumbled into his shoulder, “I haven't been sleeping at all.”

Katsuki’s rational ‘this is not your problem’ mindset that he usually maintains was dropped the second he saw Izuku in the bushes, but this, this was a problem he was damn well going to fix. “Deku, what ?” He pulled back to look down at the tired boy. “When was the last time you slept?”

“Not since- not since the villain we fought,” he admit. 

“The villain, last weekend? Deku, it’s been, like, six days!” The defeated nod Izuku responded with was answer enough. “Come on, get up. We’re going to my room.”

Izuku, decidedly, did not or could not get up. “No, it’s okay I’ll be f-”

Katsuki grabbed Izuku's legs, taking advantage of their current position, and lifted him into the air, arms wrapping under his bottom to support his weight. “Put your arms around me, nerd. You're not staying in your vomit room.”

Izuku complied without further argument, and Katsuki accepted that he definitely has vomit on his shirt now, as he walked Izuku to his own room, briefly making eye contact with bird bitch in the hallway again on his way out. 

When he finally got Izuku to his room, Katsuki made Izuku ditch his vomit shirt and put on one of his clean ones. It was a bit too large for the smaller boy, and the flip his stomach did was because it was funny, nothing more. The nerd was a small loser compared to him. He followed suit changing his own contaminated shirt, exiting his closet to the sight of Izuku stripping his shorts off until he’s only in a shirt and boxer briefs. Katsuki halted so fast he almost got whiplash, heart instantly frantic because what the fuck, and, no it's not ironic he was coming out of a closet. 

He distracted himself by putting on his sweatpants, before gathering some water and an extra toothbrush he kept under the sink. Handing both to Izuku, he nodded to the small half-bath every unit contained, then laid down in his bed, waiting. Izuku washed and cleaned his mouth with a small “thanks,” but lingered in the middle of Katsuki’s room, as awkward as a Deku would be. 

“What’s the hold-up nerd? Come watch this movie with me.” He knew asking Izuku to sleep would result in an immediate rejection, however he reasoned that maybe, if he got the boy comfortable enough and turned on a slow movie, Izuku would fall asleep by himself. That argument is also what he used to reason with himself when he found his hands pulling Izuku into him as the boy got into his bed. He had to make him absolutely comfortable, he didn't want this. No, fuck this, he never wants to do this again. Never. Ever. Not once. Ever. Ever. 

Izuku nestled himself into Katsuki’s side, head resting on a firm chest, legs touching. A silent moment passed, and Katsuki thought this was the weirdest fucking this he’s ever done with the nerd, but it feels almost natural? Like this took no effort to do, his hands just did it. Lord knows he doesn't know what to say to comfort anyone, he couldn't calm himself how could he calm others? But soothing Izuku through physical touch was natural and, dare he say, easy. 

“You’re alive.” He heard Izuku whisper. 

“I’m alive.” Fingers found their way into Izuku’s hair, strands soft and silky, the natural curls of the strands wrapping themselves lightly around each finger. Katsuki would never tell anyone this shit happened, but he was going to indulge his curiosity while he could. He slowly played with Izuku’s hair, letting the movie play lowly in the background. Eventually, Izuku’s arms made their way around his waist, holding him closely as if he could protect Izuku from his nightmares. As if he could fight off Izuku’s nightmares one by one. Which, to be fair, he would if he could. 

His breathing evened out. All that fuss, and Izuku was finally asleep. 

Katsuki was definitely not enjoying this, he did not like the sweet scent he already knew as Izuku, he did not like the warmth radiating off the smaller’s body, he did not like the way Izuku gripped him closer, he hated all of this. Well, maybe he didn't, but he should, and that was the worst part. Blame it on his 3 am delusion. God, he needed some fucking sleep. 

Knowing Izuku was somewhat stable, safe, finally sleeping, Katsuki began to drift off. 

-

Katsuki woke to the sound of his alarm going off only a handful of hours later. He blasted the alarm to smithereens. 

-

The next time Katsuki woke, he realized the sun was out and shining. Was it already day? Was he late for school? He knew he should care, but Izuku was currently still asleep on top of him. Somehow, he didn’t care. 

Still, his back was hurting like hell in this position with Izuku on top of him. Slowly, Katsuki wiggled his way into a slightly more upright position, Izuku’s head now more on his stomach, arms wrapped around his waist. 

Katsuki should definitely wake the nerd. He let the nerd sleep, now he’s gotta go. This was way too much loser shit for one day. For one fucking year, actually. Right?

He reached over to the TV remote and flicked on another movie instead. 

He was so fucking weak for this, but seeing as Izuku’s eye bags were slightly reduced, he knew he already had given in to the loser and was going to let him sleep as long as he needed. 

-

‘As long as he needed’ turned out to be a long-ass fucking time. 

About an hour into his second movie, Katsuki heard a knock at his door. 

He couldn't get up and get it, cuz’ the nerd, and he couldn't yell at them to come in or go away, cuz’ the nerd, so he just left them knocking, hoping they would go away soon. 

“I’m coming in.” He heard the door unlock, what the fuck? , and slowly open, Mr. Aizawa peering in. His eyes landed on the boys but gave no reaction in typical Aizawa fashion. In his hands were two paper bags. 

“Keep your voice down, the nerd is sleeping.” Katsuki greeted. “Also, what the fuck are you doing here?”

Mr. Aizawa stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. He took a minute to look around the room, trying to put the puzzle pieces together. An eyebrow raised at seeing Izuku’s clothes in a pile on the floor. “Explain.”

“I couldn't sleep and went out for a run last night. Found him,” he nodded at Izuku, “out in the bushes. Long story short, has been having really bad dreams and this is the first time he’s slept in, like, a week.”

Aizawa nodded along, indicating he was listening, but his eyes still wandered. “I came to check on him. I heard he was throwing up last night. Thought he was killing his friends?”

“How do you- how the hell did you get that information?” Katsuki asked, voice raising. Izuku stirred in his arms, Katsuki glanced at the boy and immediately threaded his fingers through the soft curls, hoping it would lull the boy into staying asleep, similar to last night. Katsuki’s eyes shot back to Aizawa. “Bird bitch told you.” 

“When did the nightmares start?” Aizawa continued. 

“How the fuck would I know?” He fired back. At Aizawa’s unamused look, he caved. “He said it started when we fought the villain last weekend.” 

“I see. The villain must have used a quirk on him without us knowing. I’ll talk to recovery girl.” Aizawa made his way over to Katsuki’s nightstand and dropped both paper bags down with a plop. “Lunch.”

Katsuki eyed the bags wearily, rejection quick to bounce off his tongue, but he couldn’t deny that he was hungry. He had been up all night and skipped breakfast. Plus, Izuku definitely would need to eat when he woke. Should he wake up the sleepy head and make him eat, or wait until he wakes up on his own? The nerd did look very peaceful in his sleep, ethereal, if Katsuki wanted to admit it. No way this stunning nerd was covered in scars under the blanket, but he was because he was hard-working. He deserved every bit of power he had, he worked too damn hard for anything less, but then to look like this as well? It’s criminal.

Wait, what the fuck?

“I would say I expect to see you both in your afternoon classes, but given the situation, please stay here with him instead.” His eyes flicked down to Izuku’s pile of clothes on the floor. “Clothed, preferably.” And he was gone. 

Wait, what the fuck?

He would never, never - ohmygod what? Sure the nerd was kind of hot, but what? No, not no, but hell fucking, piss pinching, goat throwing, abso-fucking-lutely no. Yeah, whatever his stupid hair was stupid soft, and yeah his body did kinda rock, and so what if his calloused hands probably felt good running down his chest- ohmygod stop thinking about Deku. He shook his head as if he could physically shake out his thoughts. 

“Mmm,” came from below him. “‘Acchan?” Izuku wiggled, seemingly woken by Katsuki’s antics, speaking with a low gritty voice. Katsuki shivered. 

“You awake? Deku?” He tried to peer at the boy’s face, but Izuku was too busy nuzzling it into Katsuki’s stomach. He let himself slide back down fully into bed and Izuku wiggled himself back into his waiting arms.

“Love you, Kacchan.” Izuku mumbled. Every neuron in Katsuki’s brain fired erratically.

This was nothing new. Izuku had said this many times as children. He had probably heard those words a thousand times, as well as ‘you're amazing’ and ‘I wanna be just like you!’. So why, now, did it send his heart into a frenzy? Because they were straight up snuggling in bed and had spent all night that way? No, definitely not that. He had no reason to be freaking out, Izuku probably said it in his delusion, he was probably already asleep again, this was nothing, nothing, and because it was nothing, that also meant that he could say-

“Love you too, Deku.” And so what if it was a tiny bit true? Fuck you. 

“I know.”

-

It wasn't until after school was out that Izuku finally, properly woke up. 

He literally shot out of bed, knocking Katsuki onto the floor in the process. “WHAT THE FUCK, NERD?”

Izuku was stammering over himself “I- we- bed- am I in your clothes? I- um- threw up and passed out, I- I thought I had killed you- and- Uraraka-” Katsuki angrily pushed himself up off the floor and stalked over to Izuku, pointedly cutting him off by gently grabbing his face and making Izuku look him in the eyes. 

His eye bags looked better today. Good. 

“How do you feel?” 

“Um, a lot better, I think.” His eyes were like saucers. 

Katsuki grunted in affirmation, thumb gently brushing over the fading bags. “You may have been hit by a quirk. Mr. Aizawa said he was going to talk to recovery girl. You can sleep here until then.”

Katsuki knew he was acting out of character, he knew, but a serene calm had been washed over him all day as Izuku slumbered in his arms. He had a lot of time to think today. 

There was a reason he was drawn to this stupid nerd. He could hate the goddamn world, and he did, but he had never been able to truly convince himself he hated this nerd. 

When they were little, Izuku used to joke that they would marry and Katsuki would get so pissed. He would stomp home and complain to his mother, voicing how stupid Izuku was, how Izuku made his blood boil. His mother would just laugh. One day he asked his mother why she laughed instead of taking him seriously, and she responded with a line that Katsuki had never forgotten. “Love is friendship that has caught fire.” 

Katsuki thought about every time he swore he hated Izuku, how his blood raged and his veins screamed as his body caught flame with anger. However, another emotion always burned along with that anger, just as brightly. Easy to ignore, since he never was able to put a name to it. But earlier this morning, when he let one small sentence slip without much thought, he had named it. And now he could not stop that name from running through his mind, tearing up any thought he may try to conjure. 

Love. 

He couldn't stay away from this idiotic, handsome, enraging, hard-working, thoughtful nerd because he loved him. He wanted to puke, and scream, and kick his feet, and fight, and puke some more. Mainly he wanted to do one thing. One thing he thinks he's secretly been wanting to do for a very, very long time. 

Katsuki had never much been one for words, however actions, he could communicate with. Such as holding Izuku every night as he slept to keep the nightmares away. 

“I- thank you.” Izuku whispered, holding Katsuki’s eyes. 

“You scared me last night.” Katsuki dropped his forehead to Izuku’s. “I found you in the bushes. You were out of it. Looked half dead.”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

“Don’t apologize, nerd. Wasn’t your fault.” His voice softened. 

Izuku’s eyes briefly, so briefly it almost wasn't noticeable, flicked down to Katsuki’s lips. It was at that moment Katsuki knew he was going to cross the line he had mentally drawn for himself years ago. He knew it could make or break his world, but after having the sweetest taste of what life could be like, Izuku wrapped in his arms every morning, he knew it was worth a shot. He was going to do what he’d been wanting to do forever. 

Slowly, so slowly that Izuku had time to interpret his actions and decide for himself to stay or flee, Katsuki leaned in to close the gap and pressed their lips together. 

God, was it sweet. 

Izuku pressed up into him, Katsuki migrated his hands into Izuku’s hair, pulling him closer. He tilted his head to deepen the kiss, Izuku complying and opening his mouth. Katsuki was ecstatic. The boy tasted sickeningly sweet. He had never liked sweets, but this was his new favorite flavor. As if he knew he could never have sweets in his entire life because he knew that none of them would ever live up to the taste of Izuku. 

Izuku’s arms made their way around him, and he was so happy he could die. This was his stupid fucking nerd, always had been, and always will be. 

Izuku jumped out of his arms when someone coughed at the door. “I um, came here to check on Izuku.”

“Oh come on bird bitch, you have got to be fucking kidding me.”