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A lot of my life is a little bit of you. I find you everywhere even when I don’t mean to. Every time I think you have faded to the back of my mind, I see you again and the feelings are as fresh as the day I pushed them down. I remember burying my love so I wouldn’t have to swallow my pride; It became my greatest regret.
You are there even if I don’t see it at first; baffled, joyful, tranquil, ...exhausted. You follow me around. Parts of you have invaded my world. There’s a part of you in the student at the cafe with multiple empty coffee cups at the table while they type as if the world around them had ceased to exist, or would if they stopped…still ordering more caffeine. You are there in the small acts of rebellion I saw in the child wearing church clothes; they had grass stains and scabbing wounds and a look that said “you can only control me so much”.......Strangely, you are even the Christmas lights I see still up in July.
You are a banana from the farmer’s market, you are a trip to the hardware store, you are the deed to the farm that my father insisted we bury you with a copy of, you are gas station coffee, and you are every person I pass by on my way through the city.
They were always there but now they are you, and I can’t undo it. They are only parts of you… pieces… and they are all I have left.
I know you wanted me to save you… I hope you did anyway. I hope that you still had faith in me even with your last thoughts…I don’t know if that is selfish to think; before, I wouldn’t have cared. I thought there wasn’t a person on Earth I truly cared about. I’d fight for my parents, I’d come if they were in trouble…. I wouldn’t have died for them. I wouldn’t have tried for a year and a half in vain to save them… I wouldn’t have cared enough for the thoughts of their pain to be in the forefront of my mind…not if you were still here.
You were the only person left in the world that never gave up on me, not for anything. You still saw me for what I was, but you also saw everything I could become. To you, that was everything… I had no limits and it was for more than my powers for once.
1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 4 days…. I’d prefer not to think about the 17 hours and 32 minutes….. I’d arrived 3 minutes too late….3 minutes and maybe you would still be with me.
I suppose you still are, but it’s not enough to have you the way I do now, to have you Only in Pieces.
“ I love you…..and I’m sorry.”