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Jaskier wonders sometimes how he's life would've been if he hadn't entered that tavern in Posada.
He used to think that nothing would've been worse. All the adventures he'd missed, the companionship.
But now as he sits alone in a witcher keep he's not so sure.
He wonders now, how his life would've if he hadn't spent over twenty years of his life next to someone that looked down on him. Would he have the same self-doubt? Would he have turned into this depressive sorry excuse of a man?
What would have happened if instead he had stayed next to people that appreciated him, that cherished him?
On his worst days, he doubts those people can exist at all. But he still can't help but wonder.
What kind of man would he be today?
"Jaskier," Geralt says as he sits next to him on the table where he's still nursing his wine. Jaskier looks up and sees Yennefer and Ciri leave the hall, done with their meals. Only now, Geralt remembers him.
A wave of resentment crashes on him.
Geralt's nostrils flare.
"Geralt, my old friend," he says with a cheer he does not feel. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"We haven't had the opportunity to properly talk."
Jaskier laughs, though it feels like glass. "Having a daughter has truly changed you if you seek to talk."
Geralt lets his glare be argument enough.
Jaskier sighs.
"What do you wish to talk about?"
"Have you been able to settle at Kaer Morhen?"
Jaskier raises an eyebrow.
"I have a room of my own, if that's what you're wondering."
Geralt looks around to the distance there's between Jaskier and the rest of the witchers still at dinner.
The wave from earlier returns. This time stronger. How dare he of all people ask him that.
Geralt's nostrils flare again, and this time the witcher can't write it off.
"What is it?" Geralt asks, straight to the point, facing the monster head on.
Jaskier's fingers tighten on the cup he's holding.
"I've been robbed," he says.
"By whom?"
"By you."
Jaskier lets the silent settle between them.
"There's a man that I will never met. The man I could have grown into if I hadn't met you when I was eighteen. If I hadn't grown and spent my whole adult life next to someone who constantly berated me, insulted me and threatened to leave me behind. I will never know all what that man could have accomplished. All he could have achieved and gained. I'll never know him. I'll never know what happiness he could have grown into. Instead, all I know is this," he points at himself with a hand. "So yes, you've robbed me Geralt."
"I'm sorry," is all Geralt manages to say after a while. "I tried to- I tried to warn you. To tell you that I- I'd ruin you."
Jaskier scoffs.
"Pity that I was a too stupid boy to listen to your warnings."
Geralt says nothing, but he doesn't leave, can't get himself to.
He can't get up, and leave the wreckage he caused behind.
"If you ever- if you ever berate her as you did to me. I swear, Geralt, I will haunt you down."
Geralt shakes his head. "I've learned my lesson. I'm sorry I've learned it too late for you."
"I'm sorry too."
~*~
Days pass and the resentment in Jaskier grows nurtured by the alcohol he keeps on taking.
"That won't help you," Yennefer says suddenly one day as she enters his room uninvited.
"Well, hello to you too, dear wife."
"You need to move on."
"I don't know what you're talking about?"
"You can't focus on what you think you are owed. That version of you that doesn't exist. Mourn him if you need to. But move on. Hanging onto what wasn't won't do you any favors."
"He told you?"
Yennefer shook his head.
"His thoughts were so loud reliving your words that he was practically shouting them into my mind."
"One day, my dear witch, we'll need to have a talk on what the word consent means."
"Don't change the topic."
"Is it truly that bad to miss the person I could have been, have I not- have I taken a different path?"
Yennefer shook his head softly. "No, it's normal. But don't remain mourning a fantasy for too long. What has happened, has happened. Accept it, and maybe you'll be able to build something better. But you need to focus on what is for that."
Jaskier looked down at the floor, only after a while, he looked up at her.
"You're speaking from experience," it wasn't truly a question.
"I'm trying," she sighed.
Jaskier raised the bottle of wine that lay on his nighttable. "To building new things."
~*~
That night, at dinner, Jaskier sat next to Geralt.
"I did met you," Jaskier said. "And I chose to follow you."
Geralt kept a silence that costed him this time.
"You've robbed of me a story, the story of that man. But you've also given me many other stories."
Geralt released a stuttered breath.
"You better have truly learned. Because our next story it will be epic."
"It will be," Geralt promised grabbing Jaskier's hand.