Work Text:
september 2008
Sonya plays the cello for two months and four days in the fifth grade.
They're ten years old and tiny, sitting knee to knee on the library carpet as a quartet plays Dvorâk's First World Symphony. Coley likes the violins, how they weave their sound between each other, the way they sway to the beat. She looks over to Sonya, her brown hair frizzled from playing kickball earlier. Sonya's got her eyes on the cello, the strings grumbling strong and deep and low.
After the quartet takes their bows and the teacher corals the kids into the hall, Sonya breaks her spot in the single-file line to brush up against Coley's side and say,"I wanna play the big one."
"You mean the cello?" Coley corrects.
"Yeah, that. It's really pretty. And big."
"I wish I could play the violin, but my dad wants me to stick with the trumpet."
Sonya shrugs. "I'll tell you all about it," she says. "Maybe you can learn violin from that. Isn't a cello just a bigger violin?"
It turns out that the cello is not just a bigger violin. Coley's in the middle of watching Arthur when the phone rings. Her finger hasn't even left the call button as Sonya begins her lament on the pains of practicing and the way she can't wrap her small fingers around the cello's neck.
"Why can't I just do it right?" she groans. Coley smiles. She can picture her friend sprawled dramatically on the hardwood, cello on its side, a copy of Exercises 2000: Cello Edition thrown somewhere among green couch cushions.
"My grandma always tells me that 'practice makes perfect'," Coley says.
"But I want it to be perfect now."
"Then I guess you'll have to start practicing."
Sonya answers with a groan before jumping into another rant about the perils of etudes and scales. Coley half listens; she'll hear the same thing on tomorrow's bus ride.
//
The school year progresses and Sonya quits cello just as quick as October turns into November.
"The guy made it look so easy. Like anyone could pick it up and do it." She explains this to Coley through mouthfuls of macaroni. Coley hands her a napkin.
"At least you tried it," Coley says. “I think it’s okay to quit something if you don’t like it.”
Sonya shrugs. "It’s not that I didn’t like it. It just was a lot of work."
Coley takes a bite out of her sandwich. “Well, you play piano really good. That’s cool.”
“Thanks,” Sonya says. She smiles at Coley before snagging a chip off of her plate.
//
On the bus ride home, Sonya taps Coley on the shoulder and says, "It's a good thing your dad made you choose one instrument at a time."
"Why?"
"Because it’s really hard to play two instruments. You need to practice a lot to make it perfect. And perfect takes work."
"That's really wise, Sonya."
"I know."
may 2011
Sonya's on her second boyfriend in two weeks. Thursday morning whisks her in front of Coley's locker, all smiles and curled bangs and a hint of perfume which Coley's sure she swiped from her older sister.
"Evan? Seriously?" Coley can't roll her eyes enough. Evan had so much hair that he gave Justin Bieber a run for his money.
Sonya only laughs like Coley's missing out on an obvious joke. Coley pushes her science textbook down along with a wave of annoyance. Ever since Sonya got over the whole "boys have cooties" thing, she’s onto the second stage: “Boys Are Really Cute I Want Five.” Coley's been wishing for anything that will make her go back to the first mindset. Personally, boys don't interest her. She couldn’t and didn’t see the appeal of running after someone an inch taller than her with greasy hair and a load of Axe body spray. But Sonya likes boys like she likes her chocolate, and Sonya likes all types of chocolate, even the cheap dollar store kind.
Coley grabs her English folder and lets Sonya slam her locker shut. "Where are you guys gonna hang out?" Coley asks. Just because she doesn’t like Sonya’s taste in boys doesn’t mean she’s not going to be supportive.
"I don't know. I was thinking he'd take me to the park or something," Sonya says. "That's what Brendan did."
"Do dates only take place at parks?"
"I have no clue. I hope he has better plans."
"Well, maybe go somewhere else. Like that roller rink we went to last week. That was fun." Coley smiles, remembering how Sonya fell on her butt more times than the dj played LMFAO. Sonya sees Coley grinning and playfully pushes her. But she takes Coley's suggestion and Evan and her go to the roller rink the next night (and break up two days later).
//
Coley's never crushed on a boy. Not on Sonya's level of crushing. While Sonya's one for writing letters and bumping shoulders in the hall, Coley prefers staring across the room and ducking heads during lunch.
"Boys are trouble," her dad warns her.
"Boys are trouble," her grandma agrees.
"You just haven't met the right ones yet," her mother tells her.
"Boys are so different than girls," her little brother says. "You wouldn't understand."
"I don't like boys," her little sister babbles. "I don't even know them."
Coley sees how Sonya could like boys. Evan's hair was as big as his ego, but at least it was a really fluffy, really shiny ego. And Brendan was tall. And Kevin could run really fast. And Jose had a cute nose. But that was it. She failed to see them as deep as Sonya did, failed to keep up with any witty banter or flirtatious gestures. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe she just hadn't met the right boy yet. She hopes she's right.
Sonya went from boy to boy like a honeybee. Not that it mattered. They were thirteen, nothing near serious. Sonya liked people, liked getting to know them, enjoyed the vibes from meeting someone new. Coley watches as Sonya tries out new people like she's trying on new hats. If it doesn't fit, she puts it back on the rack, never giving it a second glance.
Sonya never puts Coley back, though. She keeps her.
march 2013
Sonya texts her at one in the morning during their spring break freshman year. Coley groggily checks her phone, careful not to wake up her sister sleeping beside her. Her family decided to take a trip back to Colorado to visit family and go skiing - two things that Coley is not very good at.
1:07 AM
S: hey r u up
C: now i am
S: sry.
C: what did you want?
S: idk
C: sonya go to sleep
S: im at trentons
C: who is trenton
S: hes a year older th an us an vry vry xuteee
S: *cute
Coley's up now and toeing into her penguin slippers. She pads down to the living room while texting: are you at a party?
Sonya doesn't answer right away. Coley goes to the kitchen to go get a glass of water and when she comes back her phone reads:
1:12 AM
S: yasssss
S: wish u were here
S: trenton has friends
S: they have birds and a cat an a dog and all the beatles records
1:13 AM
S: but they dont have you
Coley hides her smile behind her hand even though it's 1:14 in the morning and nobody's awake except for her, alone in her uncle's kitchen with the phone screen shining bright on her face. Sonya's said these things before, and maybe because it's 1:14 in the morning and Coley's a little overtired, but she finds she wants those words but they don't have you to mean more than they should.
Coley figures she's just missing Sonya.
wish u were here
Coley gulps down the rest of her water, suddenly too awake to fall back to sleep.
but they don't have you
Coley hastily texts: miss you too. don't do anything stupid.
Sonya replies almost immediately: lol ;) k mom
C: say no to drugs
S: whoops
C: drugs bad
S: water wet
C: sky blue
1:23 AM
C: seriously, sonya. be safe
1:30 AM
C: btw which Beatles albums?
1:46 AM
S: the one where theyre walking on the road
S: idk im not the beatles fan remember
1:50 AM
S: you'd love looking thru these stacks
S: come home soon
june 2013
Sonya wants Coley to formally meet Trenton and Coley can't get out of this one. Apparently seeing Trenton in the hallways from time to time wasn't enough. She knows how much this means to Sonya, how Sonya has this weird thing where she wants all of her friend groups to be connected, so she grudgingly allows Sonya to pull her along to Trenton's place.
Trenton towers over Coley when they first meet face to face. He's sturdy like most sixteen year old boys who do sports and he drinks like most sixteen year old boys who do sports.
His arm hangs heavily around Sonya's shoulders while his free hand twirls a cigarette. He looks Coley up and down once, takes a drag, then looks at Sonya, who tilts her head towards Coley.
"'Sup." He nods, then meanders back into the party, Sonya still in tow. She twists in his arm to give Coley a sympathetic look, yells something that can't be heard over the noise and disappears behind a group of blond guys wearing jerseys.
Coley's left by herself, awkward and alone and next to the snack bar. She sits in a chair and munches on a cucumber, trying to comprehend what just happened.
Boys is what she comes up with twelve cucumber slices later.
The party quickly turns into a couples' night. Girls entangle themselves into their boys as the sky gets darker and the alcohol gets stronger. Coley looks for Sonya in the sweaty crowd but limbs and backsides are hard to tell apart in the smoky haze. After an hour, she gives up, trudges back to her chair and curls up next to the almost empty snack bar.
She eyes the scene warily. Trenton's shirt is off; he's about to do a cannonball into the pool. Coley spots a girl from her history class smoking with one hand and pulling her boyfriend down the hall with the other. Evan's face is buried in Rachel Durmount's neck. Sonya's nowhere to be found.
She feels inexplicably lonely and suddenly very self aware. Like she wore the right clothes but forgot the theme of the party. These are Sonya's friends and Sonya's territory, and while Coley and her may be very close, sometimes their friend groups didn't overlap. An odd thought crosses her mind that she should be wrapped up in someone's arms right now, but the thought of a stranger's tongue down her throat makes her feel nauseous.
She watches Trenton stumble out the back door, and two minutes later there’s an audible splash and all the people cheer, loud and obnoxious and drunk.
When someone barfs into the punch bowl six inches away from her, that’s when Coley decides to call it quits. And just as she's getting up to leave, because Sonya dragged her here, because she only came for Sonya, and because Sonya has removed herself from this party, someone holds her arm back.
"Hey-," Coley's about to tell them off - she’s in no mood for one of Trenton’s friends - but it's only Sonya, wide-eyed and off guard.
"Hey," Sonya echoes. Her hand is still tight around Coley’s arm and the rims of her eyes are red and watery, her voice low.
"I've been looking for you."
Coley bites her lip and thinks I’ve been in the same spot all night but instead says, "Yeah, I've been looking for you, too."
"I wasn't going to leave you alone."
"Well that's what I've been. Alone. At Trenton's." She can't help herself.
Sonya's brown eyes are shining. "I'm sorry. I just wanted you to meet him, like, in a place that wasn't a hallway for two minutes."
"I met him."
"You don't like him."
"I met him for less than two minutes."
"He's nice when you get to know him. He's really sweet, and funny and-,"
"Sonya, look, I'm sorry but, I think I'm gonna head home." Coley steps past her, avoiding her stare. She can't describe it. It's like she's suffocating. This was stupid. Trenton was stupid. Coley was stupid for coming.
Sonya catches her arm again.
“Hey, I’m glad you came.” She’s looking at Coley in a weird way, but Coley just thinks it’s because of the drugs. “
No problem. I, uh, know how much this meant to you.” Coley pats her arm awkwardly. “I’m just not a party person, I guess.”
Sonya tilts her head like she’s thinking of saying more and then shrugs it away.
"Are you sure you don’t want to stay?" she asks and reaches for Coley’s arm again. Coley brushes her off, not unkindly. Sonya's lip pouts. Her lips are red and the gloss is smeared and Coley doesn't have to wonder why. A wild impulse to reach out and brush Sonya's lower lip ignites through her then fades.
Coley should go home.
"I'm sure. Just, tired." She gives a weak smile that she hopes looks reassuring.
Thankfully Sonya's too far gone into the haze to notice, or maybe she chooses not to. Either way, she loops her arm with Coley's, the tension momentarily forgotten. Sonya's side is warm and smells like sweat and perfume and smoke.
"I'll walk you to your ride," she says.
"It's a bike."
"I know."
october 2014
Sonya’s not the type of person to wait for the laundry to completely dry or for the brownies to fully cool. She’s fast paced and vibrant and is always on the move for something new.
That’s probably why her and Trenton fizzle faster than a firecracker. Actually, Coley thinks, it was more of a fizzle and then a re-lighted match, then a blow-out, and then the buying of a new firecracker. And then that firecracker fizzled, too.
Sonya and Trenton date for a year and four months, and most of that year and for months is them breaking up and and making up, breaking up and making up, over and over and over.
It goes like this:
Sonya will show up at Coley’s doorstep at 8:03 at night, mascara dripping and nose running and Coley will take her in and they’ll curl up on the couch and watch bad chick-flicks all night long.
And then two weeks later Coley sees them holding hands at school, Trenton’s gross buddies surrounding them and him grinning like the cat that got the canary.
But later, Coley will get a text and soon Sonya’s holding someone else’s hand and Trenton’s inviting a different girl to his parties and all Coley can do is grab some popcorn and wait for the next Mega Apology Session to happen.
It’s a cyclical thing and Coley should feel weird that she’s used to it. But she cares about her friend - her best friend - and yes, she has other friends that she hangs out with but she doesn’t like them like she likes Sonya, doesn’t drop her plans if they need something last minute, doesn’t buy them Taquitos at 11:45 at night, doesn’t rest her head on their shoulder when it’s just the two of them.
Sonya’s the only one of her friends that takes her to new places, the only one that can listen to her rant about parents and siblings and music groups and stupid things on hours on end and the only one that makes it all matter like how Coley wants them to matter. The only one that holds her hand in public like it’s no big deal, the only one that goes out of their way for birthdays and Halloween, the only one that looks at Coley like Coley’s worth it, like Coley’s got something that no one else has.
That’s why she puts up with Trenton, and Michael, and Evan, and Jessica, and all the other of Sonya’s flings. That’s why she’s supportive. Because when Sonya burns herself while setting up firecrackers, Coley’s always there with the first aid kit.
december 2014
Sonya brings the cigarette to Coley's lips. Her fingers are long and still and perfectly poised. Coley always liked Sonya's hands, how graceful they were across piano keys, how quick they were to light a match, how strong they became to shoot a basket.
Coley's trembling, and it's not because of the weather. They're in sweatshirts and hats, and it's only Los Angeles and she's faced tougher winters in Colorado, but under Sonya's calm hand Coley can't keep it together.
"You're ok," Sonya says quietly.
The cigarette feels foreign in Coley's mouth. She tries to take a puff like she's seen in the movies, like she's seen Sonya do hundreds of times, but she splutters and coughs, totally uncool and un-poised and Sonya laughs. She lets Coley have a moment and gently takes the cigarette back.
"Like this." Sonya elegantly takes a drag and breathes out, the smoke curly and thick. She's beautiful under the streetlamp, wrapped in a red sweater and her brown hair in waves. Coley nods, silently watching her bring the cigarette back to her mouth and repeating the process. It's like an art form. A intimate showing. Effortless.
"You're perfect," Coley says quietly, so quiet she thinks that maybe Sonya missed her slip up.
Sonya pulls the cigarette away from her mouth, which is in a small, soft smirk. She positions the cigarette by Coley and Coley opens up just a little bit and lets Sonya slip it in again. This time she only coughs a little bit, and the next time Sonya brings it to her she doesn't cough at all.
They slump against a brick wall, passing the cigarette between them. The smoke will stain her clothes but Coley doesn't mind. She wants to smell this forever, wants the taste of ash burned on her tongue. Sonya passes her little smiles every now and then and Coley raises an eyebrow.
"What?" Coley asks after a long drag, the smoke curly and thick.
Sonya shrugs noncommittally. "Practice makes perfect."
april 2015
"You're like my moral compass," Sonya tells her one night. They're lying on Coley's bed, face to face, side by side.
Coley laughs. "I don't think I'm ready for that responsibility." She stops when she notices that Sonya is quiet.
"I'm serious," Sonya says. She's looking at her intently.
Coley stares at her, can feel her heart rate speeding up. Keep it cool, Coley. "Um, okay. Thanks?"
Sonya scooches closer so their noses are almost touching.
"I'm gonna get really cheesy for a moment," she whispers. "Can you handle the cheese?"
"My mom's family is from Wisconsin. I can handle cheese."
Sonya's quiet for a moment. Her fingers play with the sheets and then, "Coley?"
"Yeah?"
"You're so constant. I'm really glad you're in my life."
Coley's breathing goes still, her fingers are numb, she can't feel anything yet she feels everything.
but they don't have you
"Aw shucks," she manages to get out. "I'm glad, too."
God, why is she so winded? It was just a compliment. Best friends compliment each other all the time.
"Good." Sonya closes her eyes. "Goodnight."
Coley lays on her back. "Sleep tight."
"Don't let the bedbugs bite."
"I'll try."
I'm really glad you're in my life
There's a weight to those words and Coley's aware of it, but it's a comfortable weight, the kind that's heavy and feels good to rest on, because if something is heavy then it has weight and if something has weight then it must mean more than something.
Maybe Coley's just overthinking it.
Five minutes later, Sonya turns and wraps her arms around Coley's middle and she's snoring in another five. Coley falls asleep with the biggest smile on her face, sinking happily into Sonya's side.
may 2015
Sonya drops her bike in front of a Walgreens and sits heavily on the curb.
"I think I'm going to break up with Trenton.”
Coley raises an eyebrow.
“For real. I’m serious. Before he graduates."
“So, like, for good?” Coley asks. She takes a sip of her smoothie while balancing her bike with one hand.
Sonya looks down at her hands. The late afternoon sun is beating down on them and all the shadows are long and the sky is a golden hue that turns her hair a blazing light brown. Coley loves this time of day.
“Yeah,” Sonya says and breathes deep. “I think it’s time.”
Coley fights back a smile, her head spinning. She refocuses, lets her bike fall and joins Sonya. "Yeah, right, good for you. Relationships in college are always hard."
"You're allowed to be happy, Coley."
"I don't want to be happy if you aren't."
Sonya reaches out her fingers, pushes a stray hair behind Coley's ear and her breath catches.
"I'm going to ask you something and you need to tell me the truth," Sonya says, her face dead serious. Coley nods.
"Was Trenton....was he....good? For me?"
Coley wants to say no of course not are you kidding me. Coley thinks of midnight phone calls and tears and hiding bruises and screaming matches and all she can feel is bile rising up her throat where smoke had been.
But Coley takes a breath, clears her mind, and says, "No. I always thought you deserved better."
Sonya is smiling that weird sad smile that pretty, sad girls have and looks at her shoes. Coley back tracks a little.
"But he must've had his moments. He must've been good to you."
Sonya brings her hand to her chest.
"Yeah. I guess."
june 2015
Sonya does not break up with Trenton. Coley should’ve seen it coming.
He graduated but he says he wanted to wait until the summer was over. She says he loves her. Coley calls bullshit.
The fan whirls in Coley’s living room where they’re sprawled out. Her mother doesn’t want to turn on the AC just yet and all the windows are thrown open. Her siblings are outside running around the sprinkler, and if she was in a better mood she’d have already brought Sonya out to join them.
“Don’t be mad,” Sonya says somewhere on Coley’s right. They’re on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.
Coley sighs. She has no right to complain, she knows that. It’s Sonya’s life, Sonya’s choices, Sonya’s relationship; however that doesn’t mean that Coley can’t have an opinion.
“He hurts you, Sonya.”
Sonya’s quiet.
“It’s not my place,” Coley says. “But I really do think you deserve better. I know you do.”
The fan blades whirl. Her sister squeals and her brother laughs. Coley wants to stick her head in the fridge.
She flips over and rests her head on her palm so she can look down at Sonya.
“Do you love him?”
Sonya studies the ceiling.
“I think I do.”
“If you think you do, then you don’t.”
“Where’d you hear that?”
“I made it up.”
Sonya pushes herself up on the back of her arms.
“I need real advice, Coley.”
“I think I still have some Seventeen magazines in my room.”
“Coley.”
Coley shrugs. She crosses her legs, fiddles with her anklet.
"What do you want to hear?"
Sonya turns so that her stomach is on the carpet. Her eyelashes are long and downcast. She's make-up less and Coley can see every little dent, every blemish, every worry line.
"I want..." She begins, then stops, and looks up at Coley. They hold each other's gaze longer than they should, longer than they should mind, but Coley doesn't mind, and she hopes that Sonya doesn't either. The air was warm before and now it's stifling and the fridge becomes more inviting with every passing second.
Coley takes Sonya's hand. "Hey," she says. "Let's get ice cream or something. You don't have to say anything."
"But I just need to know what to do." She picks herself up, crawls to Coley's side and drops her head on her shoulder.
"Relationships take a lot of work," Coley says.
"I know."
They lean into each other and stay like that until Coley's dog sprints through the living room, her soaked brother and sister not too far behind. Sonya laughs while Coley's fuming about dirty carpets and wet dogs. She gets up and pulls Coley with her. With a smile on her face and a gleam in her eye, Coley knows exactly what she's thinking.
The sadness washes away as she lets Sonya pull her towards the sprinkler, the water a breath of fresh air on their skin. Coley's clothes stick, but it's okay because Sonya's grinning and whooping and it's all okay for a glorious moment with no Trenton, no school, no anybody. Just them. Call Coley selfish, but she wants this moment wrapped in a jar and sealed away. It's all okay. If she only focuses on this moment, this instant, it's all perfect.
They can think about the heavy stuff later.
june 24th, 2015
Sonya is her best friend. Maybe she's a little more.
Maybe Coley's always known.
boys
They say everyone's a hero in their own story. He is not the hero. This is not his story.
It escalates quickly. There's a party. There's always a party. He's drunk and brash and his hands reach and grab, wanting and wanting, never giving. He's not a giver, only a taker.
boys
Sonya's rumpled and scratched. She smells like smoke and the bathroom smells like nail polish. She's gentle with her, always gentle even though her personality is big and loud. She moves with confidence. She reaches for Coley when he reaches for her.
boys
And as for Coley, Coley's never seen herself as a hero. She watches and takes notes, noticing the things about people that they'd never see for themselves. She listens and waits, listens and understands, listens and learns. But this is her story. She wants to be her own hero.
i'm not sorry
The first punch is the most liberating thing that Coley has ever felt in her entire life.
girls like girls
The second punch is fueled with rage. It's to teach a lesson. The third punch and the fourth and the fifth are for Sonya. They're all for Sonya. When Coley's knuckle collides with his jaw, when she hears a crunch, when blood stains her skin, it's a cry in protest, that she is done watching and waiting and being helpless.
like boys do
The first kiss is I've been waiting forever.
The second kiss is You did that for me?
And the third is Of course.
Her wounds are open and everything is spinning and in her head Coley's screaming and it all makes sense, the pieces click, the puzzle is done and she kisses Sonya again for good measure.
nothing new
When she leaves, after Sonya promises to come over later, after they get somebody to drag Trenton into the house, after it's all over but just beginning, Coley smiles.
Finally.
Yep. Coley's always known.
august 2016
Sonya and Coley have been together for a year, two months, nine days and counting. They've been friends for eight years, and best friends since forever.
Sonya's off to university in two weeks and Coley needs to leave in four days, so they spend all the time they can together.
It goes like this:
They take their bikes out for one last spin and hit all their favorite places. Yogurtland. The Dollar Store. The park by Sonya's place. The roller rink.
The afternoon sun hangs low and all the shadows are long and slow. Sonya's laugh carries in the breeze, her brown eyes bright and smile wide and free and beautiful. Coley leans forward on the curb to kiss her just because she can. She loves this part of the day.
Sonya threads her hand in Coley's hair and kisses her temple. They're lying against a tree trunk and watching as the shadows grow longer and their time grows shorter.
"Don't go be a Ladies Man in college without me knowing," Sonya jokes.
"You mean Ladies Lady," Coley says.
"Same thing. But seriously."
Coley finds Sonya's hand. "Don't worry about me. I'll just tell all the pretty young city girls that I'm taken."
"I'm counting on that."
"Same thing goes for you. Remember this suburban weirdo when hot guys and girls start hitting on you, 'kay?"
"No promises."
Coley tickles her side then and Sonya responds by tackling her. She pulls Coley to the ground and their laughter is young and loud and it's a good moment, no school, no anybody. Coley puts it in a jar and shelves it to look at later.
They lay on their backs on the grass, Sonya's hand in Coley's, and they both know what's coming, both know how unpredictable the future is. Sonya kisses her and they rest their foreheads together. When she breaks out into a smile, it's infectious, and Coley grins like an idiot and she knows it's going to take a lot of work to make it happen - make them happen - but she's more than willing to try and she knows that this time, Sonya is too.
It won't be perfect, but she's worth the effort. She always was.