Work Text:
Maya Bishop,
I mess up all the time. There’s no way to put it, I mess up all the time. I messed up and I know I did, and for some reason, I can’t bring myself to apologize. Maybe it's to spit me for being shitty, perhaps I’m just that bad. I know, I know, I should just get over myself and tell Carina I’m sorry for being selfish, a dick, and everything horrible. I know I should apologize for leaving her alone so much, I know that I should say a simple “Carina I’m sorry,” But it’s just so hard.
If I can’t tell her maybe I can show her, I try to do nice little things for her but she doesn’t notice. Then I wanted to paint her a picture, I bought paint and a canvas, paintbrushes, which ended with a hole in the canvas and a mess everywhere because I’m not good at it. I ran for a while after that. I tried cooking her a meal and nearly burned down the kitchen, which resulted in a screaming match between the two of us. She told me to stop so I did, I left and picked up a shift at the station.
The smell of smoke was something I had gotten used to, now it was all I knew and I didn’t want to know it. I wanted to remember the mixture of the smell between Carina and Smoke. I haven’t hugged her in nearly a week, we used to try and spend every moment hugging. But it's all changing, and it’s frustrating.
With tears pricking in my eyes I sit in my bunk, writing a letter to Carina. We used to leave love notes to each other all the time which had recently stopped because of most of my actions. I scribbled doodles on the side, drawing hearts and smiley faces in the margins, trying to show her that I still loved her and that I wanted her more than anything. I wanted to fix it because I know I messed up.
I went home to an empty house that night, a completely empty house. I miss coming home to a coffee smell in the air, music playing, and watching my wife, my beautiful Carina, dance around the kitchen. Shaking her hips to the music where she’d pull me in and kiss me full of passion and love. Our kisses were often short and bitter now. I miss the sweetness, but it’s my fault because I messed up.
I fluffed up our pillows and made sure the bed was made just the way Carina liked it. I put her favorite chocolates in the middle of the bed, along with some new pajamas, a new blanket, and my letter. I light a candle, her favorite one which was almost gone, I should get her a new one. And I waited.
I waited, and waited, and waited. I waited for her to come home and she never did. It turned to the early morning of the hours, no Carina.
Maya: Carina? Are you coming home?
Read 1:30 am
Maya: Did you pick up a shift?
Read 1:40 am
Maya: I got you some things, to say sorry. I love you.
Read 2:00 am
Maya: Baby, please. I’m sorry.
Read 2:30 am
I sent her messages throughout the night, but she stopped replying and I stopped trying. Maybe it would be better if I went back to work. I had blown out the candle long ago and was curled up on my side of the bed, my throat and chest were tight and all I wanted was to give Carina a hug and apologize for the rest of my life. I got up, put on my running shoes, and I left the house with my phone on me. I didn’t see that it was about to die though.
Carina DeLuca
Silent treatment at its finest. I love my wife and all but maybe now she understands how I felt every night waiting with rose petals and a home-cooked meal. Maybe she understands the disappointment I felt. I knew it was mean to not reply, and I felt bad, but she does it to me all the time she deserves the same treatment no. Maybe I’m just being petty but I was running out of options, I needed her to understand how I felt, and I needed her to be there for me.
“You heading home?” A nurse asked me and I nodded my head.
“Yes, my wife is waiting for me at home. We haven’t been able to see each other as much.” I put on my coat, it was raining outside.
“Have a nice time with your wife,” I nod my head saying goodbye. I went home.
I thought my wife would be waiting for me and she wasn’t there. I came home to an empty house, again, like I always do. I’m so tired of this. I throw my coat over the back of the couch and go to our room seeing a candle without a lid on, a lighter next to it, and our bed with goodies on it. I let myself smile a little before going back to a scowl, I had to be mad at her.
I grab the chocolates and smiled, at least she still knows my favorites. Then the pajamas, I already had them but it was the thought that counts right? She’s making an effort. She got me a new blanket with coffee cups, how cute. It was so huge and soft too, the perfect cuddling blanket for us. I then saw the envelope, a kiss mark on it and my name on it. “God she is so cute,” I said aloud to myself and opened it.
Dear Carina,
I messed up. I know I messed up, I’m sorry that you’re not pregnant, I’m sorry that you’re not happy, and I’m sorry for everything. I’ve been so awful to you, I’ve been distant, mean, horrible, and everything else. I don’t know how to tell you I’m sorry, I just can’t find the strength to admit that I was wrong out loud, so I’m telling you now, that I was wrong. I’m wrong, and I’m bad I’m mean I’m horrible, I’m disrespectful and inconsiderate. I haven’t stopped to ask how are you, how are you doing, how are you handling this and what can I do to help you. It’s always about me, it’s Maya this Maya that and I’m sorry. I was wrong, all of it is wrong with me.
I don’t know what I can do to make it up to you, and I don’t know how to fix it but I am because I messed up. I fucked it all up.
I want to give you a hug. I want to hug you so goddamn bad because when I hug you all of my problems disappear, I want you to feel that way with me. So I want to hug you, I want to take away all of your problems. I feel like a hug could take the pain away just for a little while and bottle it up, just for a little bit until we can figure things out. And if I were given a chance, I’d drop everything to hug you again. I’d give anything to hug you so tight that you couldn’t breathe. I will never love anyone as much as I love you, Carina, I knew that you are my soulmate and I’m tearing us apart. We’re being torn apart.
You’re a magical human being. I see magic in you every day. The way you smile is magic, the way you glow is magic, you radiate magic and I never want to not see the magic. You’ve been magic to me since you smiled at me and looked at me that way in the bar. You looked at me with a feeling I still can’t describe with words other than happiness and magic. I miss the magic and the happiness in you Carina, I want to help you but I don’t know how.
I don’t want to be the reason that you’re hurting Carina. I can’t take being the reason that you’re hurting anymore.
I want to see everything I love in you again. I want to fall in love with you over and over until my last dying breath. I want to be the reason you laugh uncontrollably, I want to be the reason you smile so big that you get creases in your eyes and your cheeks hurt so bad that you wish they would just fall off, I want to be the reason you get so excited you squeal and you jump at me and give me the messiest hug ever because I love you. I want you to look at me with the burning red passion we once had because I love you. I want to love you, I have to love you, I can't not love you, I need to love you.
I messed up, I should have told you what I was feeling when I needed you when I wanted you. I should’ve asked you how you were feeling when you needed me if you still even wanted me. I don’t want to be the one to push you away, not again, I don’t want you to leave me because without you I am nothing. I’m nothing without you. I don’t want you to feel useless, sad, or upset. I want you to be happy, I want you to feel like you matter and I just am struggling to show you that. So know that I love you with my entire living breathing soul. I love you.
-your sorry wife, Maya DeLuca-Bishop.
I don’t even know what to say. I picked up my phone and called Maya, when it went straight to voicemail I grabbed my keys, and the letters and I drove to the station. “Is she here? Where’s Maya?” I ask everyone, but everyone shook their heads saying she wasn't there. So where was she? I called Andy, but she's not with her, Vic, and Travis, she’s not with them either.
I slammed the letter down in frustration and that was when Maya walked in sopping wet, crying. “Maya? Maya, what's wrong?” And she saw me, and she looked relieved.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry,” She flung her arms around me and got me soaking wet.
“Maya!” I groan,
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you I love you I love you. I’m gonna make it better I’ll fix it. We’ll fix it. I just love you so much. Did you read the letter?” I pull her head off my shoulder and kiss her forehead.
“It’s gonna be okay. Let's go home, okay?”
“I’ll make you a meal and I’ll start you a bath,”
“Maya, stop, just relax with me and we’ll pick something up on the way home,”
“I’m sorry,”
“I know,”
“I love you,”
“I know”
“I messed up”
“It’s gonna be okay,” It’s all going to be okay.