Work Text:
Maya
Life was life. Life was bad for me at the moment. I barely had time to clean my apartment with work being as hectic as it was, any days I had off were spent trying to fall asleep in my room or running. My anxiety ran high almost constantly which is why I was always running. I tried to calm myself by reading a book, but I couldn’t sit still enough to read. My self-esteem was low. Everything just sucked.
It was like there was constant noise everywhere, it was never quiet. I was irritated which made my team not want to be around me. It was sad, yes, but I was still breathing, wasn't I? It felt like I wasn’t.
I tried to reconnect with my team, per the request of chief Pruitt, and that’s when she saw me for the first time in the hospital. I glanced at her, but I didn't imagine it would ever mean anything, a person you see once that you would never see again. So what a surprise it was to me when that same beautiful girl sat beside me at the bar. We talked for hours and took turns buying each other drinks. We even exchanged numbers.
I walked into my apartment that night, my mood was brought down by the sight of my apartment but I couldn’t be bothered to clean it, it was all too much to clean tonight. I’m never like this, I never put off cleaning my space. I liked to be clean and organized, but it was too much. It was all so much that I had to fight off tears as I took my shoes off and put them by the door and walked into my room falling into the warmth of my bed. A sleepless night once again for me.
After we helped JJ give birth, I called Carina all the time. I called her to tell her good morning and good night, I called her when I knew she had a break. And, I hated it. I was getting attached and that would only end up with me being hurt, I hated that I was acting as if she was my girlfriend, I hated that she was making me happy. Life was better with her, it was almost like every time I made her laugh or smile the world was being lifted off my shoulders, and it felt good. Carina made me feel good.
*****
That day when Carina walked into my office I panicked, she was acting like she was my girlfriend, I didn't want that. Yes, you do, you want that, you want her to be your girlfriend. That's what my heart told me, but my brain was telling me, You don’t need her. You’ll never need her, you only need yourself, you don’t deserve anyone.
“I saw Warren at the hospital, he said it was a rough day, so I brought you lasagne!” She smiles at me, opening up the lid and showing me what looks to be the most delicious lasagne I had ever seen in my life but her smile quickly fades as I say,
“Carina, you can’t just show up to my work,”
“Well, Warren just said-”
“Carina, you’re hot but all we did was hookup, I don't need a girlfriend” I regretted the words as soon as I said them, Carina looked taken aback as she said
“Wow. Okay well um,” she picked up her lasagna “My apologies. It was nice meeting you then,” She walked to my door and I was quick to follow her. I put my hand on the door as she went to grab the door handle.
“I’m sorry. I’m” I paused to think of my next word,
“Rude?” Carina finished but I shook my head,
“Broken” Was the word that fell from my mouth,
“I’m not in the habit of fixing people so” Carina turns her head to the door like she wanted to leave, but I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted her to stay,
“I understand,” I opened the door for her, after hurting her feelings the least I could do was be polite and hold the door open for her, and when she hesitated and looked at me I froze for a second, and the next thing I knew she was cupping the back of my neck and pulling me in for a kiss.
Carina's kisses were like heaven, they were soft and sweet, or passionate, or everything. They were amazing, I loved feeling her hands against me, knowing that she was there with me. I loved the fact that it was Carina, it was never like that with Jack. Not once. I didn’t know what the feeling was that made everything so different with Carina but it was amazing and I never wanted it to end.
******
I sat up in my bed, thinking about everything that had happened today. I’d been on the verge of a breakdown for a while but I wouldn’t fully allow myself to do so, I couldn’t. So I called Carina, and Carina made me feel better. But sex was only a temporary fix to what was so simple as just crying. Carina sat up, “Well, I’m very glad you called, but I should go back to work now,” She pressed a gentle kiss to my shoulder,
“I’m the truck” I could sense her confusion,
“I’m sorry I’m not good at American idioms”
“I’m the truck. I’m” I stuttered and took a breath, causing tears to flood my eyes, “I’m the truck that drunkenly plowed into Station 19 and destroyed an entire family” at that point I started to cry, and Carina attempted to push some of my hair back behind my ear and she wrapped her arms around me pulling me back into her.
“Hey, hey” her voice was comforting to me.
“I’m the truck” I cried, she pressed kisses to my cheek as she whispered sweet nothings into my ear. I calmed down, and the world quieted down, the only things I could focus on were Carina's words. It made me tired, and I fell asleep in her arms.
Carina pov
I knew that Maya had been stressed out by the state of her apartment, although it wasn’t even nearly as messy as a teenager's room, it was messy for Maya. I held Maya until she finished crying, and I continued to hold her as her breathing evened out and she was asleep. I needed to go back to work, I had nothing important going on so I told Teddy I’d be a little late coming back to work as I knew she would call me wondering where I was. I grabbed my pager and tucked Maya into the covers. I pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead before tiptoeing out of the room. I found her cleaning supplies and I got to work. I cleaned everything for her, I knew she would appreciate it.
I left her apartment without a word. And, I regretted that later on.
Maya pov
I felt like Carina was avoiding me. She hadn’t been calling me as much, maybe me crying in front of her freaked her out. I didn’t mention anything to her. So when I sat on the couch with her, gently running my hands against her arm, I asked her if she’d take a trip with me, just to see if maybe she still liked me. When she said yes, I was so excited, I'd never have thought in a million years that I would get so excited to take days off of work. Work was my life, I’m a workaholic.
Once I got there I felt impending doom, but I tried to ignore it because of Carina. I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted to be present. So of course when I got the notification about the 4 alarm fire I panicked. I didn’t even realize I was having a panic attack until Carina told me, I tried eyes forward but Carina made it hard to do that when she told me no eyes forward. That’s how I dealt with things. Eyes forward. But I caved, and I let her calm me down, and I let her hold me afterward. And it felt nice.
When I saw my mom with Carina, I was mad. And, when my mom talked to me about my dad I was mad. I didn’t need therapy, I was perfectly fine, he never abused me, he never hit me. And, when Carina tried to convince me that he was abusive I was so mad that I just let it out on her. I didn’t like my tone of voice when I talked to her, I didn’t like how mad I was, and I didn’t like that I made her upset. I hated that I made her upset. I always mess things up.
But she forgave me, she forgave me easily, she understood why I was mad, but I still felt bad. I know what I did wasn’t okay and that communication was something I needed to work on, I had already known that but I tried to be more aware of it.
And, Carina continued to mention my mom and she mentioned my dad. I got more annoyed each time. I tried to get her to leave me alone just for a minute to think and make the world quiet enough to breathe.
“I don't wanna fight with you,”
“I don't want to fight either”
“Then I think you should leave,” I told her,
“What? This is not how you handle a fight. Maya-” she sighed, “I’m here for you and I’m not leaving” I needed to get out.
“I’m gonna, I need to run. I’m going to go on a run. ``I walked away from her and got my shoes.
Everything after that moment I regretted. I thought that Carina would have left, I needed more time to just think about everything. The world was screaming at me, I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt like everything was resting upon my shoulders and I hated it. Carina made it stop but recently she had only made it worse with everything that had happened. I came home and there Carina was. Sitting there. She gave me a small wave,
“I thought you left,” I say
“I almost did but then I thought you might need-”
“I don't need anything except space” I slowly walk toward her, each of my steps was a little heavier than normal
“I can see that you’re pushing me away and I wanna give you space-”
“Then give me space”
“I understand that you are going through a lot and I am trying not to be mad at you” Mad. She was mad at me. I wish I would've paused and thought about what I said next.
“Well, I just slept with Jack an hour ago so be mad at that” I walked into my room slamming the door shut behind me. Hearing Carina cry on the other side of my door hurt, it hurt me. But I deserved it, I did this to myself.
“A sorry can get you far” Jack's words ran through my head as I went to Grey-Sloan to go find Carina, I look at her
“Carina”
“What do you want?”
“You were right. I was abused, my dad was abusive but that is no excuse for what I did to you. I-I” I took a breath, I glanced at Teddy, I knew this wasn’t exactly the right place to do this but I had to tell her. “Please, please just take me back. I love you and I've never said that about anyone. Except for my brother so it means something. I love you, Carina” my voice was shaking and I felt like crying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, just please forgive me”
“Oh my god forgive her” Teddy bursts in, Carina makes a noise of protest at her and Teddy quickly apologizes.
“She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend and then you threw it in my face just to hurt me. What am I supposed to do now? Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?” I shake my head
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Maya, I can’t forget about this,” She turns her head away from me and tries to start her conversation back with Teddy.
“You held me,” I say and she just sighs deeply and looks at me,
“You cheated on me!” She says loudly
“You held me and my world went quiet, Carina! My life was shit, it was hell before I met you. I was so angry and irritated all the time and nobody wanted to be around me! I tried to not be like that but I came across as fake! And then you talked to me in the bar and for the first time in ages, I was happy! You made me happy”
“Made you! Made you happy. Don’t you hear what you’re saying, I stopped making you happy and you went and slept with Jack!” Teddy's eyes were flicking back between Carina and me.
“I never had time to think before I met you. Everything was loud, my thoughts were loud, my heart was loud and for once instead of listening to my brain I listened to my heart and I trusted you. You earned my trust and I earned yours. And I threw your trust away and I hurt you! I hate that I hurt you but Carina I need you to understand that when you held me my world went quiet. I felt at peace for once!”
“Maya I’m confused” her face had softened and she sighed.
“I messed this up, and I am okay with trying to make this right for the rest of my life because I love you. I am ready to spend the rest of my life earning your trust back. I am ready to spend every second of every minute of every day to make you happy if you’ll just give me a second chance. Please, Carina, I love you!” Carina stood quietly for a minute, crossing her arms. Tears were starting to fall down my face.
“Forgive her,” Teddy said,
“Oh my-”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just if you love her forgive her. She wants to make things right so badly that she's crying about Carina. Give her a second chance” Those words seemed to settle within Carina and she looked at me. Tears forming in her eyes herself
“I love you, Maya. Come kiss me” I wasted no time going into her arms and kissing her. I could hear Teddy's cheer of victory and I smiled. She kissed and kissed me. And I felt okay, I felt good about making this right, I knew I would make it okay, I knew she wanted me. And when we hugged each other for a few moments after our kissing the world was silent, and I could think, and I could see a future with Carina. I knew she was the one.