Work Text:
Leo hated being unable to sleep.
It had always been this way to some degree, but now… it was different. It had been ever since the Shredder, and now even more so since the Kraang. Instead of his usual restlessness, where he would think about anything and everything until he felt dizzy, it was now full of fear. Regrets. The things that usually manifested in his nightmares until he woke in a cold sweat, breath rushing out of him as he tried to ground himself back to reality.
An old urge pushed against his rib cage, heart yearning to not be alone. He felt too old for this, like he should be able to manage things on his own. But right now, he couldn’t stand the walls of his room any longer. He couldn’t bear the old metallic smell of the subway car. It was too close to how the prison dimension had smelled; cold, dead, ancient. He couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts and his memories and his nightmares.
Next thing he knew, he was standing up and putting on one of his favorite large hoodies. He didn’t need it but there was something in the weight and texture that felt soothing to him. Then, with his quietest steps, he found himself wandering toward Donnie’s room. He wasn’t sure why he was going there. Mikey or Raph would be way more willing to let him sleep in their rooms, or maybe even next to them.
But right now, it’s where he let his aimless, racing thoughts lead his steps. It’s where his aching chest led him, so that’s where he went.
He was only mildly surprised to find Donnie actually asleep. That nerd was usually up until early morning hours working on some tech thing. It made his steps falter just inside the doorway, and suddenly everything tripped over itself. His thoughts, his steps, his conviction, all of it just halted and stumbled. He just stood there for a moment, unsure of himself, feeling completely childish and stupid, and turned to leave. As he did, however, he heard a quiet, “Nardo, get back in here.”
Leo jumped a bit, a sucking in a breath to keep from yelping. Then, he whispered, “Jeez, Donnie, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Uhh, ditto. If I were of lesser intelligence I might have thrown something at you.” His brother now propped himself up on his elbows, squinting into the dark as Leo stepped back into his room.
“Oh please,” Leo laughed quietly. “You would’ve missed.”
Donnie merely shrugged, obviously still shaking some sleep from his mind as he pushed himself to sit up fully. Leo fully stepped into the room now, making sure the thick purple curtain closed behind him. He stood there and suddenly, a wave of awkwardness came over him. He didn’t know what to say. How did he explain to his brother why he was here? How did he even start to unpack the mess of things going on inside of him?
“You’re being uncharacteristically quiet. What’s wrong?” Donnie sounded more awake now, an edge of concern in his tone.
Donnie had hovered closer to Leo for a while after the Kraang invasion. Not just for medical oversight — that alone was a two week ordeal — but even after. Leo suspected that a part of Donnie’s “twin psyche” was convinced Leo would disappear again. It had been a few months now, and Donnie had started to act normal again lately. But, the concern in his tone made Leo believe that maybe he was still trying to go back to normal, too.
He had been quiet for too long now. Donnie sat up straighter. “Leo? Talk to me.”
Leo forced a laugh. “Who are you, Mikey? This isn’t a Doctor Feelings visit.”
“Isn’t it though?” He asked, adjusting himself until he was sitting on the edge of his bed, legs dangling off the bed. “Look, I know you better than you think. You don’t normally come to any of us unless you’re really not doing great, and even then you usually go to Mikey. For you to come to me… well, either you just want to bother me, as per usual, or you really aren’t doing well.”
It was pointless to argue. Leo knew without having to look that the bags under his eyes were growing worse as the week went on. He knew his brothers hadn’t said anything in order to spare his pride, but they weren’t stupid.
He opened his mouth, shut it, and opened it again before finally managing, “I… can’t sleep.”
Donnie patted the empty space along the side of his bed. Leo came and sat next to him, tucking one leg underneath himself and pulling his hood further over his face. The purple turtle wordlessly reached up and landed on the top of Leo’s shell. At first it was an uncertain, awkward touch, but as the silence stretched between them, his hand seemed to relax, pressing gently as he began to make slow circles. “Why?”
“I… sometimes… augh it’s not easy to explain.” Leo hissed, frustrated. Donnie merely let his hand move gently along the top of his brothers shell, waiting. Leo took a deep breath and tried again. “Sometimes my room smells like old metal and concrete. It smells too much like… dead space.”
Donnie’s hand halted for just a moment before an understanding noise came from him. He didn’t say anything, however, and next think Leo knew, the words were pouring out of him.
“I sometimes think I’m dreaming about being home. I worry that I’ll wake up and I’ll be back in that place… with him. Other times I think about before. I think about the Shredder and how he killed our gram-gram. I think about how I almost watched you and Raph get crushed and killed under him. Other times I remember the feel of the Kraang’s claws around my neck… and my chest…” Leo stopped here, feeling the telltale signs of panic begin to creep up his spine and into his mouth and head.
Donnie, surprisingly, tugged Leo closer, gently pulling his head down into his shoulder. “You’re home, Leo. You’re safe.”
But the panic bubbling up in Leo made the words keep coming, his leg starting to bounce. “I’m scared it’ll happen again. I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to keep you all safe. I can’t sleep because my nightmares and memories are mixing and sometimes I can’t remember what’s real and what isn’t.” He was starting to shake now, and Donnie was beginning to turn more so he could actually face his brother. But Leo was still talking, not realizing that tears were starting to form in his eyes and that his breathing was too fast. “I failed. I almost doomed us all because I failed. What if I fail again? What if one of you actually does die next time because I wasn’t there or I wasn’t strong enough; fast enough? I was arrogant and selfish and naive. I put you all in danger because I couldn’t see past my own self pride and… I just…I feel like such a fai—“
“Leonardo, don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Donnie cut him off, grabbing his brother by both shoulders and giving him a shake. His eyes blazed with determination and hurt, a rare thing for him to show so openly. “Never! Do you understand? You are not that. You’ve never been that. Sure you can be reckless, and yeah your jokes are horrible, and sure, you haven’t always made the best calls. But neither have we! You did your best.”
“Don.” Leo looked him right in the eye. The tears were free flowing now. His brother’s grip tightened on his shoulders. Leo didn’t know how to finish his thoughts out loud, but it was certainly there in his mind during his bad episodes, screaming over and over that maybe things would be better if he’d just… not come back.
But by the hurt and anger and grief that suddenly filled Donnie’s eyes, Leo realized with growing horror that he may not have needed to say it at all. Then, suddenly, Donnie yanked him forward and crushed him to his chest. He held on tight, and Leo spluttered in surprise.
“Don?”
“Shut up.” Donnie mumbled, his voice wobbly. “Just shut up.”
Leo melted into his brother’s hold and found himself returning the hug. Stronger, stronger, and stronger still, until he felt like this hug was the only thing keeping his body together.
“I won’t let that happen to you again.” Donnie whispered. “Never ever again.”
“Donnie —“
“I am serious.” Donnie finally loosened his hold enough to look Leo in the face. He bumped his forehead against Leo’s and glared at him through teary eyes. “I’ve got you. We’ve got you. Never face something like that alone again, okay?”
Leo shook his head, squishing Don’s skin against his. “I can’t —“
“Promise you’ll at least try.” Donnie choked. Then he grabbed Leo’s face with both hands, squishing his face and shaking him around. “You deserve to live too, dum dum!”
Leo couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up and out of him as Donnie shook his head around from side to side, his palms cool against Leo’s skin. It felt like such an April thing to do. “Okay, just stop shaking me!”
Donnie let go and then flopped down on his back, patting the bed beside him. Leo looked down warily. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, stupid, I’m not sending you back to your room in your current emotionally charged state. Stay here.”
“Positive?”
“I’ll use my tranqs.”
Leo just laughs and lays down on his side next to his brother. His twin. The one he needed to see the most this time. “I love you Don.”
Donnie’s eyes are already shut and he smiles and makes a sound Leo hadn’t heard in ages. A chirp. One that he knew was from when they’d slept in the same beds as kids. One that said “safety, home, love” and so much more.
Leo pressed his forehead into Donnie’s shoulder and makes the sound back, smiling as a few new tears fall. Donnie merely makes more small clicks and chirps and Leo makes them back, until they are both beginning to laugh — giggle, really — and Leo just lets himself cry through both joy and everything else. He lets Donnie rub his shell, he lets Donnie rub his forehead and pinch his arms and do all the dumb, silly things they’d always done. He starts to feel lighter. He starts to feel okay.
He’ll sleep eventually; right now, all he needs is this.
Just this.