Chapter Text
To Cross, it was any other day. Minus the missions that usually kept him occupied, today is what Nightmare called “Self care day” which they all had once a month to stabilize themselves, just relax and take a break from work, or do self improvement activities. It’s basically what kept most of them sane, not that they were overworked in the first place and they did have normal days off, this day was just a little different.
Most days off for them meant two or three of them would be out on missions and two in the manor, or maybe two out and three in, it was never all of them, but this day each month all of them got to lean back, relax in the company of each other, talk about feelings, which Cross never really did, he wasn’t one to how to you say it— open up, he supposes. Even though he had been here for a few months now. But he does remember a very specific self care day about three months ago, maybe almost four, his first self care day to be exact, now..I mean, how could he forget what happened? It would be quite sad if he managed to.
Four months it had been, since Cross joined the group. Even in the mildly short time he had grown fond of these people, he felt secure and safe, well, in their presences, not on missions per say. But the one he was fondest of was Killer, Killer was an asshole to say the least, he liked to push all of their buttons, but he knew when to shut up most of the time and he knew what peoples boundaries were. And even though he often tended to make Cross uncomfortable in front of the others with Lewd comments or jokes he assumed didn’t mean anything by them but none the less they embarrassed him, he was ashamed of such. And Killer would pull him aside privately and apologize to him when he may have went a bit too far a few times.
He was loud, and many of times..how can he put this lightly? He was obnoxious. It wasn’t putting it lightly, however, it was true. He had a big mouth, figuratively, and he would talk, talk, and talk, and then talk some more until he got bored and would lose interest in whoever he was talking to. But in Crosses observations over the past few months he had also noticed that wasn’t all there was to Killer, he was tormented by his past, memories of whatever had exactly happened, don’t get him wrong, Cross had a basic idea of what had happened but not the full story and sometimes with how Killer would act as he recalled said memories he wasn’t sure if he did want to know.
He also knew Killer had a soft spot for his teammates. He could tell how when Dust had an LV spike Killer was quick to rush in and help him calm down, relieve some stress by allowing himself to be a punching bag, maybe not the best solution but it came from a good place in his strangely shaped soul. And how sometimes when Horror was having a hard time or his head hurt he would help him properly return to his senses, help him cook and clean when he wasn’t fully into it, and talk with him for hours to make sure he didn’t completely slip until the fuzziness in his head faded and he could once again think clearly. He wasn’t really sure what happened with Killer and Nightmare, because it all happened behind closed doors but some bad days for Nightmare even the team could feel the negativity in the castle and they weren’t supposed to even be able to sense such a thing, and Killer would disappear into his room for a while and when he came back the feeling of dread and negativity had seemingly lifted.
He even helped Cross a few times, a few. Like when he panicked when he gotten them lost during a mission, scared he had failed and Killer calmed him and got him to the right spot, since then he’s made sure to pay extra attention to where he teleports. And the time when he first arrived and the castle had been so cold from the winter even the fireplace didn’t do much to warm them and Cross had nearly freezes his fingers off, Killer had given him one of the warmest blankets they had and held his hands to warm them. It didn’t do much but the thought made Cross happy.
His point is that Killer is a nice balance, Cross finds a lot of peace in his company even if he can be insufferably annoying sometimes. But back to the self care day, you may be confused, if Cross had been there for four months already how could this be his first? Well, it was his first time participating. He had heard about it the first time but he immediately turned down the offer of joining, you chu dot blame him, he had only been there maybe two weeks or so at the time and had barely talked to anyone. Everyone respected his wishes. He turned it down the second time as well and once again everyone simply accepted his response. But the third time Killer began to push, at this point he wasn’t exactly “close” with anyone yet but he had opened up a tad, but the thought of spilling all his feeling sitting in a circle or..whatever they did during this time he still didn’t want a part of it. But this time was different, Killer had approached him as he had all the times before and asked, before Cross could even turn him down Killer has placed his hands on both of Crosses shoulders and shook him and yelled “If you don’t stop being a fucking pussy Cross then I won’t bother getting your chocolate on our supply runs anymore!” Killers words, not Crosses. Cross said legitimately unsure if he could continue to function properly without his branded chocolate bars from stars knows what universe, but did it actually matter? No, he just knew he couldn’t let that happen and he immediately gave in.
He must admit, maybe the threat wasn’t the only reason he said yes, maybe it was because Killer had a sort of “genuine” tone when he asked him, a glint of hope in his voice that made Crosses soul flutter, for..whatever reason. Possibly just feeling bad for him, so with all that he had no option but to say yes, and once he did Killer had happily skipped away and Cross stood there, processing what exactly he had agreed to, he turned around, wanting to ask the other details but he had already faded from sight and Cross hadn’t felt like looking for him.
The next day, which was the self care day, or whatever it was really called, Cross assumed that nothing was going to happen for some reason. Seeming as it was already noon and he thought this was supposed to be an all day thing, but he was proved wrong when Killer had ran down the stairs, wearing his pajamas, though, it was just a t-shirt and a different pair of shorts a bit different from the ones he normally wore so Cross probably shouldn’t qualify them as “pajamas” maybe more like relaxing clothes.
Cross hadn’t had his uniform on either, just his turtle neck and shorts, I mean, what’s the reason in wearing the uniform when there was no work to be done? “What is it, Killer?” Cross raised a figurative brow at the stupidly happy smile that spread across Killers face. “C’mon, you said yes.” That was all Killer said before he grabbed Crosses arm and whisked him up the stairs and pulled him into Nightmares room, he was too in shock to protest and his whole body tensed when Killer seemed to nonchalantly just walk into their bosses room, his tense body didn’t soothe even as he saw the others sitting on the floor seemingly totally relaxed. Horror had something like a face mask on that Dust seemed to be applying for him, he saw the package on it and it was some sort of bone mask that was supposed to make them softer and brighter, and for the first time since he came here he saw Nightmare wearing different clothes, they were similar but not the same ones he was normally seen in. All of them actually had different clothes on. It was almost reminiscent of a children’s sleepover, not that Cross would really know what one was like. There was even a bowl of popcorn and a binder full of DVD’s he assumed they were looking through to find one to watch.
But once everyone in the room turned to Cross all chatter and movement in the room stopped aside from Killer who finally released him. “Guysss~ look who decided to finally join us!” Killer said giddily, like a child on excited about their first sleepover. Cross almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing right now, it all seemed stupid to him, and no doubt childish. He almost laughed at the sight of some of the most feared people in the multiverse having a sleepover and watching movies or..whatever else they did at these things, but he didn’t have time to as he was pushed to sit down in the circle and the other sat beside him. “Ah, welcome Cross. Glad to see you’ve finally decided to join us for once.” Cross almost..almost felt a pang of guilt, seeming as though the others had wanted him here and he had rejected all the times so far. But he didn’t, it was his choice to not join but this time he was threatened!! Threatened by his own teammate! Unbelievable.
Cross simply shrugged and turned his head towards the ground, not wanting to risk staring at the others, there wasn’t anything really strange about it, but the fact it was them doing this stuff made it feel a bit strange. “So what’s on the agenda tonight guys?” Killer asked in his normal somehow dark yet peppy down, his voice rang through Crosses head a lot, it was almost serene at times. He shook the thought off quickly, that sounded so stupid, he just liked the others voice a little. Only a little, not like he imagined that same voice talking to him at night and comforting him, stars no.
He heard a soft crinkle of paper which made his head pop up, dust had a piece of paper now in his hand that had indents as if he had just unfolded it, and judging by the sound he heard earlier that’s exactly what had happened. He listened as Dust read off the list “So Uhm..skull masks, movies, with snacks..and feelings circle” Feelings circle? Cross tilted his head “Oh right, you don’t know what that is it’s—“ Killer started but Cross quickly cut him off “I think I can tell from the name, Killer, I’m not stupid..” He mumbled, how could Killer think so low of him he wouldn’t even know what “feelings circle” implied, I mean, they were already sitting in a circle now. “Crossy I wasn’t saying you were stupid I just wanted to make sure you understood..” their was a glint of hurt in Killers tone, it made Cross feel a little bad. “Yeah whatever, it’s not like I’m going to be staying around for it anyways.” Cross rolled his eyes as he got up and swiftly made his way to the door but before he could grab the handle to open it Killer jumped in front of him “You can’t go! You just got here!!” He basically yelled, Crosses head was dizzy for a moment before he gave him a confused look “C’mon Killer this is a waste of time..you guys can do your thing but I don’t feel like it, I don’t need to sit and watch movies or spill my feelings, it’s not work. I could be doing actual productive things.” He scoffed and he heard noise behind him before a hand was placed on his shoulder.
He whipped his head around only to see Nightmare standing there “Cross, this day is to help improve oneself, it’s greatly beneficial as it can help improve mission success when everyone in a stable state of mind, or as stable as any of us can be.” Cross hated that Nightmare could be right, if Cross spilled everything he felt and gave a night for himself just to relax his may improve, but he’ll be sloppy if he lets himself go now, his technique could drop significantly if he let his guard down, and what if the stars attacked right now? Someone had to be prepared. And if he was the only one then so be it. He pushed the others hand of his shoulder and shoved Killer out of the way, nearly knocking him into the wall as he opened the door and slammed in behind him.
Killer called out for him but he could hear Crosses running down the hall and there was no way he knew where he was heading exactly, to his room or an empty one or one of the main rooms, he let out a loud sigh as he rubbed his forehead in frustration, he thought this night may be good for Cross, he was uptight and always on guard, Killer wanted to see him relax and let go, know there’s more to life than constantly fighting, even Killer knew there was more to it than that. Cross constantly was stressed out, it was obvious to everyone especially Killer, he had seen first hand how bad Crosses emotions could overflow, he had “helped” him out a few times, well, saying he helped is an overstatement, he just sat there and let Cross cry, now he wasn’t so sure of that was the right move, but Cross had said that was a enough for him and Killer what? Just believed him? What happened after he let the room? Did Cross cry more? Had Killer simply left him to drown in his own sorrows?
Before he could get top caught up in his thoughts he felt a tap on his shoulder, he turned and all the others were standing before him, apparently Dust was the one who tapped him to get his attention after he totally spaced out. “Go..after him.” He heard Horror say on his usual slow speech “I know I should but where’d he go anyways? And I doubt he wants to sit down and chat with me of all people.” Killer said, a smile was plastered on his face bit not one of happiness, it was anxious and uneven. “He’s in his room.” Nightmare said which caused Killer to perk up, but his mood dropped again “As I said, he probably doesn’t wanna see me, someone else should go—“ “No, it has to be you.” Nightmare stated as though it was a fact, it had to be Killer. He gave him a questioning face “Nightmare, the guy hates my no existent guts.” Killer let out an empty chuckle.
“No, he’s feels most safe around you I’ve realized, he find great comfort in your presence, especially when you’re quiet. I’ve sensed..other feeling towards you from him as well.” Killer was getting more confused by the minute, last he had observed Cross found him annoying, there was no one worse than Killer to him, maybe aside from Ink. But he made the other feel safe? He almost laughed at the idea. “Oh yeah? And what do you mean by other feelings?” He rolled his eyes, it was probably nothing good, no one but these guys had good opinions on Killer. “Love.” Killer paused, he knew it wouldn’t be good. “Are you implying dear Crossy wants to kill me? He wants LV?” Killer knew Cross didn’t like him but damn..that was a bit much, a pierce right through his soul, hitting the target head on.
“No, he loves you. He fancies you..?” Nightmare was struggling to attempt to find the right words, which was unusual, but it was a difficult thing to explain. But now Killed was even more confused, and he assumed Nightmare must’ve been too, because there was absolutely no way Cross loved him, Hah, it wasn’t even a funny joke. He didn’t take Nightmare as the jokester type especially after how long he’s been here. Killers thing was..one-sided. Cross didn’t love him, that was crazy, but Killer did love Cross.
He loved when the other made small chuckles, not letting anyone not close enough hear him because he was embarrassed, he loved the small smiles the other cracked when Killer would spill all his stupid jokes, he liked how Cross fought, how calculated it was and coordinated, it was like a beautiful dance almost, he loved how Cross had a habit of binge eating chocolate when he felt like treating himself after a good mission, how he would either gobble in down in hunger or take small nibbles of the more savory chocolates Killer sometimes especially grabbed just for him, he knew they were his favorite. He loved the red little scar under his mis-matched eye, everything about Cross was beautiful, Cross as just too beautiful, and too good for Killer. He knew he didn’t have a chance. And now Nightmare was saying he felt the same? There must’ve been a misunderstanding, because deep down Killer knew no one would ever love him again, certainly not Cross.
Hah..Screw Nightmare for the small feeling of hope in his soul, hope that with this information maybe Cross liked him just a bit. Maybe he had a chance. Before he knew it he bolted out of the room, his he head was hazy, the only thing he kept reappearing to himself that was Cross was in his room, just so he wouldn’t forget where he was going. Crosses room was near Dusts, in the far side of the castle, almost isolated, he couldn’t imagine how lonely it was over here. He found the long hallways, he slowed and walked down the hall slowly, he walked for a bit before stopped at a door that had a very small sign that marked it was Crosses room, most of their rooms had decorations on the outside, even Nightmare had a fancy font sign of his name, Killer had covered his in many of stickers he got from aus, Horrors had a large gash in it which made it obvious, he wasn’t sure if the gash was intentional or not, and the sign on Dusts door always said keep out, his this was all Cross had, there was no defining features, it was almost like it was vacant.
Killer took a deep breath before he knocked “Hey Cross..ya in there bud?” He said as softly as he could, attempting not to sound too out of breath from running all the way here. For a long moment there was silence and Killer felt his anxiety wrong, maybe Cross wasn’t even here, that meant he could be anywhere and Killer really needed to find hi— his thoughts were suddenly cut off “..What do you want killer?” He tired his best to keep in his sigh of relief “Can I come in? I just wanna talk with you.” Again, he was met with silence and had the assumption that was a no, at least before he heard the clicks of the locks on the other side of the door, more than one click, which meant Cross had multiple locks..? He must’ve added more on when he arrived, but why? Killer didn’t have more time to wonder before the door slowly creaked open, he took his as his invitation to walk in.
The door shut behind him once he was in the room enough. The lights were off, nothing but a lamp on the desk of the room was illuminating light. He looked around and initially didn’t see Cross which confused him until he felt a tap on his back “I’m right here.” Cross said and Killer quickly turned around to face him “So, what do you want?” He almost didn’t process the words, too focused on how the others eyes were red underneath, most likely from rubbing them, was Cross about to cry before he got in here? His voice did sound a little strained. “Why did you run out..?” That wasn’t what Killer wanted to ask, he knew why he ran out, he was upset, he didn’t want to talk with them, he thought it was silly, and he didn’t want to be around Killer. “..I didn’t want to talk about..how I was feeling,,” Killer perked up a tad, listening closely “why not?” He asked though the question was hesitant, he wasn’t sure if it was insensitive. “I didn’t want to accidentally spill all this shit to you guys— what if you thought I was weak because of how I felt underneath it all? What if you didn’t respect me even if a little bit any longer? I can’t let your impression of me be ruined because of some stupid childish sharing circle..-“ Cross began going on, Killer listened to every word and felt worse by the minute, did Cross really think they would react that way?
Killer stopped the others rant midway as he placed both his hands on Crosses cheeks cupping his face “Cross we would never, we all have feelings, and we make sure to express them so we can get to know eachother better, it’s not about being weak or being disrespected, it’s a safe place where there won’t be judgement, it’s to help, no one is going to call you weak simply because you feel shitty sometimes or you need to talk to sometimes, we may be assholes sometimes but we aren’t complete monsters.” Killer wasn’t sure what he was saying anymore, he just wanted to reassure Cross, he wanted to comfort him, and hold him, he wanted him to smile for him. “I-I..” Crosses voice was strained as he attempted to get words out, Killed watched as his eyes began to water, Killer panicked and removed his hands from Crosses cheeks.
“Woah Crossy- hey hey, don’t cry it’s okay-“ He tried to calm him down as bright purple beads of magic fell from the others eyes, before he could say anymore though Cross had wrapped his arms around Killer tightly in a hug and cried into him. Killer was stunned, the only thing he could do right now was gently rub the others back as he cried. And after a bit when Cross calmed a bit and was no longer completely sobbing he guided him over to the bed with him, sitting them down,
“Shhh it’s okay, Cross..let it all out, I’m right here.” Killer cooed softly as he gently laid down, letting Cross lay on top of him, he will admit it wasn’t the most comfortable position but their closeness seemed to calm down Cross even more, yet he didn’t left his face from Killers chest and all he heard was a muffled apology from the other “No Cross, it’s alright, you haven’t done anything wrong, you don’t gotta apologize.” Sometimes Killer wished he was like Nightmare, he wished he could find better words in situations like this. “Cross you know there’s a lot of people who care for you and love you..they want you to be happy.” Killer reassured but Cross didn’t seem to immediately just accept that “Yeah..? L-Like who..?” Killer heard a small sniffle following the others still muffled speech.
Killer hesitated and thought for a moment before letting out a small sigh “Like me..I love you, Cross. I want to make sure you’re cared for and that you’re happy. I don’t want you to feel restrained and like you can’t talk to me about how you’re feeling, wether you’re sad or even happy, I want to be there for you when you need me, I want you to open up..I think opening up can you good for you, and I can be s hood listener when I need to.” Killer let out as small chuckled as he rubbed Crosses skull gently. He had also noticed the other seemed to no longer be crying but he was now completely silent.
Killer hated when he went silent, especially after Killer just spilled all that? Cross probably thought he was weird, maybe even a creep.
Cross took a moment before slowly lifting his head up, purple magic stained his face and Killers shirt and part of his jacket. The sight of the others tear stained face made Killer soul ache. “You mean it..?” Cross mumbled, his voice cracked a bit as he did. “Yeah, Crossy. I mean it, I love ya.” Killer hummed softly, giving Cross a reassuring smile, but before he knew it tears were flowing down Crosses face again.
“Cross!? Hey what’s wrong?- I-I’m sorry I really didn’t think it would make you this upset!—“ “..I-I love you too.” Killer paused in the midst of his panic.
“You do?” Was all he could manage to get out in his moment of shock. Tears still slowly rolled down Crosses face as he nodded slowly, Killer felt butterflies on his ribcage a dim eyelight sparkling to life in its socket which caused Crosses mouth to open in sudden awe. Killer grabbed Cross by the face and pulled him close for a sudden kiss, Cross let out a whimper of surprise but slowly relaxed into the kiss. It ended sooner than Cross wanted but..maybe he could get more kisses later.
Killer looked at him with a face of admiration and Cross could feel the pure intent of love in his gaze, he almost wanted to cry again out of happiness for the second time.
“I love you, Killer..”
“I love you too, Crossy. More than anything.”
Cross smiled and nuzzled against him for a moment, they sat in silence for a bit after that, it was a nice and comfortable silence this time though.
“How about we head to sleep Cross and we can talk more about this in the morning, I don’t know about you but I’m pretty damn tired.,” Killer said as he let out a low chuckled and Cross nodded. “Yeah..can we sleep just like this?” Cross questioned, he didn’t want to move but if Killer needed him to he would “Yeah, just like this. Goodnight, Crossy..” Killer purred, Cross couldn’t help his smile as he wished him Goodnight as well “Goodnight..Kills..” He mumbled, a bit embarrassed he finally used the nickname, it caused Killer to let out yet another chuckle.
He slowly reached over the the lamp on the disk right by the desk and turned it off, and darkness flooded the room. Killer wrapped his arm around Cross and could feel his body slowly rising and falling with each breath until it slowed more and he was asleep. He felt at peace and he let himself slowly drift off to sleep as well, he could already tell that tonight, he would be getting a good nights rest.
Cross would never forget that day.
Cross flinched as suddenly a weight was on his lap “Heyyy Crossy~” Killer purred, sitting in the others lap. “Hello, Killer,” Cross sighed and rolled his eyes, unamused. “You we’re totally spacin out, though I would check things out, what were you so caught up in?” Killer questioned curiously. “Nothing important” was all Cross responded with “Aweee you aren’t gonna tell your precious boyfriend what you were thinking aboutttt?~” That was exactly right, he was not going too. Because Killer would never top teasing him about it, so for now he just rolled his eyes before giving him a smile, and held him close.