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Peter arrived to the back of his house. The back screen door lay in splinters, his living room couch was lightly smouldering on the lawn as its charred and bullet hole ridden cushions lay ripped up and in pieces around it like confetti. The remains of a small presentation canvas lay on its side with a head shaped hole in it. Around the lawn lay empty bullet casings, discarded guns, an arm, and large craters of dirt and grass that still seemed to be on fire. To top it all off there was what appeared to be a framed picture of his butt sitting on the roof.
“Miles?” Peter asked, standing stock still like a war shocked veteran.
“Um…” Miles chuckled nervously beside him, rubbing the back of his neck. “There’s...uh…no good way to explain this is there?”
The silence stretched on, oppressive and physical, Peter still staring at his house but not saying a word. The squirmy feeling in Miles gut grew.
“It was…for love?”
At this Peter turned to face Miles, his eyes narrowing. Suddenly two shouts sounded behind him, as a blazing fireball fell out of the sky and into the backyard with a large BOOM. The yelling voices continued and there was another explosion but Miles couldn’t put into words how terrifying it was when Peter didn’t even flinch, eyes glued to Miles and waiting for him to explain.
Miles’ eyes turned to the ground and shuffled his feet. “So..like…remember when you were complaining about Johnny and Wade, and how they were both muscle heads that needed to get along, and maybe, kinda, needed to be locked in a room together, and hash out their differences?”
More shouting came from the backyard. Peter arched an eyebrow.
“So…uh…it all started when my mom sort of grounded me from TV, right when Under the Knife was getting good? Because she found out I skipped that after school thing to go fight Rhino with you? And yeah, I know you told me you could handle it, but like it was Rhino and I was like 5 minutes out tops, and he was like really, really close to wrecking my favourite shoe store, and um anyway, the end of the season was getting really good with the doctor and the nurse cause they were having a secret relationship…and um, anyway, I was getting bored, cause I was grounded? So then I like, remembered you complain about Johnny and Wade, and thought, hey! maybe I could help like Dr. Guru in the show? So I sort of, maybe, invited them to your house while you were out, so they could work out their differences, and then, you know, when you got home you’d see how much they were getting along and be like ‘Wow Miles, you’re such a people problem solver!’ and I had things planned out and everything…including…um...never mind, but things got sort of heated? And they started fighting? And um…yeah…”
Peter released a huge breath, letting it out slowly like in those meditation exercises Logan taught him. Did he understand everything Miles had said? No. Did he basically get the gist that Miles had planned a bonding activity for Wade and Johnny at his house because he was bored? Yes.
“Milesss…” he said, letting out the most tired sigh in the world, his face in his hands.
“I was only trying to help…” he said quietly
“…I know, I know.” Another breath, “Okay, okay. Let’s-“ Peter slapped the both sides of his face. “Let’s deal with this.”
A huge inhale had Peter shouting out to his backyard. “WADE! JOHNNY! GET OUT HERE! NOW!”
The two tussling men froze, finally alerted to Peter’s presence. Slowly, very slowly, they made their way out of a new pile of rubble and headed in Peter’s direction. Johnny had a black eye, and a small patch of hair missing. Wade was hopping on one leg, and a new arm was starting to grow in. Both had the decency to look shame faced.
Peter crossed both his arms and aimed daggers at both men. “Besides the fact that you’re both acting like a bunch of immature idiots in front of a child, please, please explain to me how whatever get together Miles had you guys here for, turned into a flaming backyard brawl that has my favourite couch forever ruined.”
Everyone turned to look at said couch, which in the previous heated explosion, had caught fire AGAIN, and had burst into a fully flaming bonfire.
“The stupid, himbo radiator just-“ Wade started,
at the same time Johnny protested “This redneck, hamburger face was-“
“OKAY!” Peter cut both of them off. “One at a time, without the insults.” He waved his hand to Johnny.
“Right…so, um, I got here after being invited by the kid, not expecting to see this meathead.” Johnny glanced over to Wade, his voice coming out nervous at being put on the spot. “And fine, I…understand, me and hamb-“ the look Peter gave him before he could finish the insult had him biting his tongue. “-I mean Wade- don’t really get along, for…multiple reasons. And it was going okay, okay? The kid set up…stuff, and it was just friendly competition that got…heated.”
“Really Johnny? That’s what’s you’re going for? It got heated? That’s why my whole backyard looks like a nuclear bomb went off??” this time Peter turned to Wade whos shoulders were hunched trying to look small. “And you?”
“Um…yeah…just, some friendly competition, that’s all.” Wade looked about as shifty as all hell. He couldn’t even look Peter in the eye. Both of them were being really vague about their fight. But whatever, Peter was so done with this day. He just wanted to faceplant in his bed and sleep for the next four years.
“Okay fine. Don’t tell me. I don’t need to know. But both of you are cleaning this mess up, buying me a new couch, and I don’t care how much you hate each other’s guts, if I even hear a whiff of either of you fighting I’m uninviting you to the thanksgiving dinner at Aunt May’s house. That means getting along during patrols, and any city fights. And that includes any insults.”
“What!?” both of them said exasperated. “But he-“ the two men pointed at one another.
“No buts, and I don’t want to hear it, remember? Now go! Start cleaning up! I want the backyard looking the exactly the same as it was before all of this-“ He gestured to the mess in front of him, “before tomorrow.”
Both Wade and Johnny shot each other dirty looks as one grabbed a broom and the other a few garbage bags from where Peter kept them in the kitchen.
Miles was just starting to believe he was getting out of this scott-free when Peter turned to him and leveled him with the ‘I’m not Mad, Okay I’m Mad but I’m More Disappointed’ Look™.
“Miles” Peter said pinching the bridge of his nose to stave of the migraine, unsure where to even start. “I understand you’re bored, and you were only trying to help but you can’t just force people to get along. And yes, I said they had to hash things out, but not at my house.” He rubbed his face. “I’m not blaming you, and you’re not in trouble either, since it was clearly both of their faults and they’re the adults here, but please, please try to keep any drama you start to punching villains, and away from my house.”
“Sorry. I really didn’t mean for this to happen…”
“I know buddy, just, don’t turn out like them okay? Don’t get into random brawls with other heroes, or pick fights for no reason. Now get out of here while I help them clean up.”
“Sure Peter, and again, I’m really sorry. I’ll do better next time, and make it up to you! I swear! You can trust me!” and with those ominous words, and before Peter could ask about the ‘next time’ Miles was off.
He sighed. Was he that bad when he was Miles’ age? Yeah, he may have been worse…there was that time with Tony too…Speaking of-
Peter picked up his phone and dialed.
“What’s up Underoos?” Tony’s voice came through with AC/DC playing loud in the background. He was probably on one of his lab binges again.
“Tony, I’m in my thirties.” He said exasperated at the nickname.
“Yeah, so? And you’ll still be my kid when I turn old and grey, and finally retire from this gig.”
“Ugh. Don't even say that, you seem like the type to live forever powered by spite. Aren’t you and Cap already as old as dirt?”
“What? Uh-uh, don’t even compare me to that dinosaur. Just watch, I’ll invent time travel just so I can outlive the two resident super soldiers on a diet of coffee and chips. And also so I can finally live to see some grand kids with the decades pace you take all of your relationships.”
“Wha-what? I do not”. Peter sputtered.
“What’d you tell me again? You pined on MJ for like 6 years? And Harry was a like 8 years before that. And now I hear you’re getting closer to Wilson and that Fire dude now? And while I don’t really like them and am seriously questioning your taste in men-“ at this Peter almost choked. “I’ll always support you. but yeah, it’ll probably take another decade at least. And then another after that to work out any drama. See? I need like two lifetimes before I see grand kids.”
“Tony!” Peter whined into the phone like he was 16 again.
“Not that I’m not enjoying this chat, but was there a point to your call or did you just want to call me old?”
Peter looked over at the two men stuffing wood pieces and junk into the black garbage bags from his kitchen window.
“Remember that time I invited Doctor Strange to the tower and thought locking you, Steve, and Strange all in that closet would mean you’d stop fighting?”
“Yup. Couldn’t believe you snagged Strange’s sling ring and told Steve you wouldn’t talk to him for a month if he broke down the door. Thought Steve was going to grab one of my hangars and use it as a garrote on either Strange or me. Left us there for two hours”
“You were all fine, I put snacks and water in there and your closet was like the size of three bedrooms. I would have left you all in there for longer.” Peter grumbled remembering. “But you said you were running out of air and I panicked…”
Tony chuckled on the other end of the phone. “Couldn’t believe you fell for that one.”
“Yeah, which actually brings me to why I called. I may need your help keeping a few explosions and a backyard bonfire on the down low and off the news?”
“What happened this time?” Tony asked suspicion in his voice.
“Miles decided Wade and Johnny need to hash it out. At my house.”
“Ah…so karma.” Tony laughed again. “Okay no problem. Consider it covered. Coulson owes me a few favours so this is the least he can do.”
Shouting started up in the backyard again. “Sorry have to go break up the idiots before they start something again”
“See you later Underoos.” And right before he hung up he swore he heard Tony pause before mumbling “And maybe I was wrong about the grand kids thing after all.”
* * *
“Okay, meeting number two!” Miles said from the basement of one of Wade’s many safe houses. “And no fighting this time or I’m calling Peter!”
Wade and Johnny sat on two folding chairs. A presentation canvas was propped against the far concrete wall, masking tape covering a large head shaped hole, with a small projector and a connected laptop on a nearby coffee table. A PowerPoint presentation was being screened onto the canvas with the title in rainbow word art 'How to date Peter Parker'.
“I lost the framed picture.” Wade said dejectedly. He had attempted to get it back after he and Johnny had accidentally frisbeed it onto the roof but Peter had caught him and told him to burn it.
“I have a calendar this time” Miles said taking out a large square calendar from his backpack. “This one’s genuine and took forever to find on the internet. It was a brief publicity stint after Pete took a break from the Daily Bugle and needed some cash”.
The calendar was dated to five years ago and had Spider-man in different poses for each month. Displayed on the front for the month of January had the hero posing on his side in a speedo and socks, lifted by a bunch of buff local firemen.
“Shit” Johnny said mouth salivating. “I want it.”
“I also have another picture of the one where Pete wore that black ‘Animal’ crop top and short-shorts during college.” Miles said taking another photo from his bag. This one was laminated.
“Kid. Miles. Please. I’ll pay you for it, get whatever you want. How about a puppy?” Wade whined, “Or a limited edition Hello Kitty phone case? Or, or, the collector Deadpool plushie?”
“Nope” Said Miles not so easily swayed. Even if the puppy was really tempting. “You have to get along and answer all the questions right.”
“Fine. Just wait, I’m going to smoke your ass,” Wade said pointing to Johnny, “then get THAT bountiful bootie as my prize”.
The slideshow started and began flipping through multiple restaurants.
“Okay first question is easy – which one would Peter choose as his preferred date spot?
* * *
“What?! How come Johnny got more points than me?” Wade wrung his hands in frustration. “I would have pulled out his chair, paid for his meal, and taken him to a fancy steak dinner!”
“Yeah, but you know he’s not comfortable with other people paying for his food, especially if this is the first few dates.” Miles said pointing to the screen. “He has a lot of pride, and would rather go somewhere cheaper where you could split the meal. Plus you came on really strong during the second date where you gifted him a new camera.”
Wade banged his head on the table while Johnny fist pumped.
“Hot dogs, and free baseball games are where it’s at.” Johnny’s face was smug as he leaned back in his chair.
* * *
Both of them stood and shouted at the same time. “Peppermint!”
"Okay it was really close so I’ll give both of you the point”, Miles walked over to a small whiteboard and added two ticks next to both Wade and Johnny’s name.
“And his favourite coffee is?” Miles prompted.
* * *
“Final answer?” Miles asked.
Sweat was coming down Johnny’s forehead and he was nervously drumming his fingers on the chair where he had swivelled it to sit straddled backwards.
“Yes? Okay Yes!” Johnny slapped his hands on hisleg.
Wade burst out laughing. “Hahaha, you stupid idiot! You complete buffoon!”
“What?” Johnny sputtered
“That’s mine!” Wade laughed again clutching his sides.
On the screen was a blown up picture of a butt clad in the Spider-man costume.
“But! He’s- You’re wearing his-?!” Johnny pointed at the screen angrily
“Yeah, good times.” Wade said wiping a fake tear from his masked face. “It was during the Chameleon stint, and we traded costumes. Can’t believe you couldn’t tell!”
“I thought the thighs looked too big” Johnny grumbled. “And it’s not like you can judge! You thought that Black Cat one was his!”
“Okay to be fair, it was dark, and when he was decking that new Symbiote suit, it emphasized his butt okay? It looked really, really close!” Wade nodded sagely.
“Okay last one” Miles said switching the slides.
It took all of 0.2 seconds for both of them to answer.
“Ew. It’s so…flat.”
“Most definitely not.”
Miles looked at the scorebored. They were still both tied. “Okay whoever can guess who this butt belongs to gets the audio recording of him singing to Beyonce in the shower”
“Shit-um…I don’t know, Doc Ock?”
“Uh…Connors?”
Wade gave Johnny a look. “You do know Connors is a lizard right? You literally just guessed a lizard. For the close up of a human butt.”
“So?? You guessed a wrinkly old dude!”
Just then the door burst open, and everyone froze.
Standing there was Peter in his Spider-man suit. “Miles?” he asked, “Are you alright?? You weren’t answering you phone, and then I tried calling Johnny and then Wade and no one was picking up, and I thought something bad had happened and I even got Stark track you guys and…”
Peter slowly looked up to the projected screen. “Why are you guys looking at a close up of Tony’s butt?”
“SCATTER!” Wade screamed, picking up all of his spoils including the calendar and the baby Spider-man plushie, and plethora of laminated picture and vaulted over the desk and around Peter.
Johnny followed suit, grabbing all his prizes and propelling himself through the ceiling, leaving a fiery trail in his wake.
“Um…” Miles said, as a flaming piece of ceiling fell to the ground. “I can explain…”
* * *
Peter would never admit it, but whatever happened all those weeks ago - which he still got no explanation for by the way, from any of them (it was like a secret cult he swears) - both Johnny and Wade now got along pretty well. They still hated each other’s guts it seemed, but they weren’t trying to strangle each other on sight anymore, and in Peter’s books he counted that as a win.
* * *
A couple of days later, in the safety of his own bed, Miles pulls a crinkled paper from his backpack and unfolds it. He grabbed a pen from his desk and methodically goes down the written list, crossing off the first line.
Plan to get Peter Laid (and for me to get a brother or sister)
Step 1: Teach Wade and Johnny how to woo Peter and all of his favourite things- Step 2: Get the X-Men and DD to help around the city more so Pete can go on more dates
- Step 3: Peter falls in love with Johnny/Wade (maybe both? The polygon thing)
- Step 4: They fall in love, get married, and I get a sibling
- Step 5: Profit???
End Note: For all his planning and preparation, and for all the straight A’s he gets in school, Miles had forgotten the indisputable fact that two gay dudes cannot get pregnant. Realizing this after about a month of scheming, he decides to revise and amend his plan and goes to Dr. Strange to ask how to turn someone temporarily female for 9 months. He does not consult Peter. This goes about as well as you’d think.
END