Work Text:
Tsukishima is not an optimist.
He’s not a pessimist, either- contrary to everyone’s beliefs (he’s not fooling anyone, they all know)- but things like hopes and dreams and whatever other bullshit it is that people spout about are concepts he chooses not to (can’t) wrap his brain around.
He tried when he was a kid. He used to dream about dinosaurs and flying an normal kid stuff. But then Akiteru and Tadashi and life happened and he realized that dreams were meant to be fictional and that no matter how many times you stand back up there’s always going to be someone kicking you back down. Life is a joke, volleyball is just a club, and effort is fucking pointless.
(Tsukishima’s always been a pessimist. What can he say?)
---
‘Love’ is one of those words/concepts Tsukishima likes to pretend doesn’t exist. He hates it, hates how he’s expected to find the one and they’re supposed to change his life or whatever. Tsukishima can make his own decisions, thank you very much.
He just doesn’t feel that way for anyone. He doesn’t imagine he ever will.
(Somewhere along the line, he knew something was changing. He could feel it- in the way the air shifted around him the during the autumn before his first year as a high school student. "Just you wait", it whispered.)
---
High school brings with it many changes, and the particular presence of one orange-haired boy makes itself known (see: forces it’s presence) in the forefront of Tsukishima’s mind for pretty much ever. And when it’s all said and done, one thing becomes painstakingly clear to everyone on Tsukishima’s new team; Hinata Shoyo is a literal goddamn sun.
He’s may be a bit strange and- lets face it- insane, but there's an undeniable light to him that outshines pretty much any challenge, and it only grows as the year progresses, forms an indisputable pull on everyone.
“Watch me”, his presence screams, “because I’ll propel you all.”
---
Tsukishima always did get sunburns during the summer, which is probably why he hates Hinata.
(He also never really minded the burn, when the only time he got to feel waves circulate and drift around his feet was when the air was warmed enough to keep his chills at bay.)
(He knows that the world is non-existent without the sun, but he complains that sometimes the warmth is too much or the light too bright and that it’s annoying. Taking the real purpose for granted comes too easy.)
---
First came the hesitant touches- a lingering pat under the guise of being friendly, eyes staring into the back of Tsukishima’s head when Hinata thinks he’s not looking. Later came the gushing, shouts much too loud about how nice Tsukishima’s blocks are, the awesome way he “Stood up against that intimidating Kuroo-san,” things he already knows. Things he doesn’t need Hinata to voice, especially when he’s the loudest.
It’s annoying. So much so, in fact, that Tsukishima can’t stop hearing it all week, like a frustratingly catchy advertisement that drives him absolutely insane.
(If his heart flutters when he thinks about what Hinata really means, he chooses not to notice. It’s not like Hinata makes him feel hopeful or anything stupid like that. He’s just a kid that knows nothing more or probably even less than everyone else.)
---
It starts when Tsukishima decides to pull his head out of his ass, forces himself within reach of Hinata’s pull and thinks, “How long have you been waiting?”
It’s hard to understand at first, how Hinata somehow managed to dig a hole into Tsukishima's heart and make a home for himself there. He catches himself on more than one occasion tacking the word “endearing” on the end of “Hinata is” instead of “annoying” in his head though, and sometimes he looks at him and he can’t breath for the way his heart starts pounding.
Hinata made him fall in love like the moon forces the ocean tides to ebb and flow, and its annoying and new and terrifying.
---
The first time he kisses Hinata, it’s a short spur-of-the-moment thing, standing in a broom closet looking initially for something to mop with and ending up with chapped lips against his own. He doesn’t even remember who started it, thinks maybe possibly it was himself, though maybe not, but knows it stemmed from mutual timid looks and awkward tension that begged to be snapped. Hinata kisses like he’s been waiting for it forever and yet smiles like he’s been given a gift he couldn’t have imagined actually receiving.
Tsukishima thinks he kind of really wouldn’t mind doing it again, though he won’t ever voice that thought out loud to literally anyone ever, let alone Hinata. He doesn’t really have to, though, because Hinata laughs a bit too loud, shouts a bit too excitedly.
“Go out with me, Tsukishima,” determined, unflinching. There are people cackling outside the door, cheering maybe.
Tsukishima simply shrugs, but Hinata smiles in perfect understanding.
Hinata gets him in a lot of ways other people don’t, not even Tadashi.
"See? This is what you get when you put yourself out there," He says.
Tsukishima thinks, "I know," and, "wow," and, "I'm sorry I took so long to try."
---
Sometimes Hinata will come over to his house after a particularly rough practice or a mentally challenging game and just. Stare at Tsukishima until he either breaks or breaks something. More often than not Tsukishima ends up letting him console his frantic mind, because Hinata knows Tsukishima will question himself until he cries otherwise.
Every time, Hinata will tell him, “You think too much,” and Tsukishima will grunt or sometimes hit him on the head and Hinata will kiss him and when he pulls away he’ll say, “It’s okay to just do," and that's that.
As they get closer, those words start becoming easier and easier to believe.
---
When they win against Shiritorizawa, Hinata cries. It's snotty and ugly and so, so, endearing.
Tsukishima holds him tight in his arms, in the middle of the court, long after it ends, and weakly tries to disguise the smile on his face and the explosions in his chest. Hinata looks up at him like he's the sun, says in his ear, "I love you, we did it, you were so amazing Kei, oh my God."
Tsukishima smiles, laughs out, "We were amazing. I love you. So, so much."
---
Tsukishima Kei will always be a pessimist. He doesn’t understand how to see the bright side of things, often struggles to find the point in trying. He used to not understand affection.
He is in love with a boy named Hinata Shoyo, who is his polar opposite, the kink in his neck, and sometimes the only one who keeps him going.
When they first met Tsukishima thought He cared too much. He realizes now that maybe he's the one who hadn’t cared enough.
Sometimes he looks at Hinata and thinks, “I want to try harder for you.”