Work Text:
“I have cancer.”
Jen hears the words that left her best friend's mouth echoing in her ears while standing in the side of the kitchen table, staring the shorter woman in front of her who was holding her hand with a sad smile that said "I'm sorry" like she was somehow guilty of what she just said.
She probably misheard it, that was it, of course she misheard it, there was no way this was happening again.
She handled it once, years ago,
she couldn't handle it twice,
she just could not.
Not with Judy.
Not with her.
Who the fuck could do anything to hurt Judy Hale? Jen was never a religious person, she wouldn't deny it, but at that moment she thought about how can people worship a God who was hurting the kindest person that she ever met? How dare he... How dare anyone hurt that woman... How dare those fucking body's cells try to take away the life of her person? A Million thoughts run over her brain while she was felling her whole body trembling and tingling head to toe in anger, sadness and waves of emotions that she didn't even know existed, Jen's heart was racing so loud that she believed that Judy could probably hear it too if the brunette tried.
“No, Judy- What... What are you saying?” Jen squeezed the other woman's hand and saw Judy let out a heavy sigh, “It can't be. They made a mistake, these things happens... You saw how they thought that I was you... You can't trust these idiots”. The blonde woman said, her words coming out like whispers, feeling a thumb swipe away one tear that she didn't even notice that left her eye.
“You did this.” The shorter girl that was cupping her face and swiping her tears seconds ago moves back, her sad smile becoming a serious face. “Don't you remember? You told me that I could die.” She lets out a dry laugh, “I'm just doing what you wanted me to do, I'm gonna die.”
Before Jen could digest the words and what the fuck was happening, she felt the comfort and knowing sensation of Judy's hand on hers being replaced by a weird object and the feeling of a hot liquid dripping over her arm, she turned her head and in the sight of the toy bird covered in blood that she was holding, she felt the room spinning around.
What in the fucking hell was this?
She looked up and saw her best friend looking at the blood in her own hand, with eyebrows furrowed, Judy brought her hand to her head that was also covered with the red liquid and Jen noticed the deep wound in Judy's head that now was causing the shorter woman to scream in pain.
I did this? Did I hurt her?
“Judy! Judy, please, I'm so sorry!” She screamed with her face now covered in tears and with blurred vision, trying to reach for the girl in front of her that now was walking through the door that led to the yard, her steps leaving blood trails on the kitchen floor.
She was walking towards the pool
The thought of Judy drowning herself in the water made Jen drop the toy bird in her hand in seconds and run towards the backyard door, blood running into her ears, when her hands finally reached the girls shoulders firmly turning her around to hold her in her arms, the eyes that faced her were totally different from the girl that she knew.
The woman in front of her had a blond straight hair length to shoulders, a pale skin marked by age and years of sickness, purple dark circles under her eyes, sad and tired eyes, eyes that screamed pain. Her mother's eyes.
“I'm gonna die, Jen. And you'll watch it happen, day after day, all over again”. Judy's voice came out like a whisper, although the face staring at her was her mother's. “I'm so sorry”, she whispered again, the eyes looking at her were her best friend's eyes again. Now there was no blood or wound, but her hair was thinner, her cheekbones were marked, clearly for the lost of weight, and eyes full of guilty, still sad and tired like her mother's
“You can't go!“, Jen cried out, tears rolling down her cheeks “I need you!”, She screamed the words that was always hard for her to say, but for some reason not to the woman in front of her. “I'm not letting you go”, Jen threw her arms around Judy's, holding her tight like she could somehow walk away from her forever. She pulled away a little to look her in the eyes, still holding Judy in her arms.
“I can't… I can't live without you…”
The only thing she saw was two numb eyes like glasses looking at her, she said nothing, she didn't even think Judy heard anything, the arms around the woman felt like holding the air and the body heat that Judy always exhaled was gone.
Jen felt the weight of her best friend's body falling into her arms.
…
“Jen! Wake up!”.
The distance voice calling her started to get louder in her ears, she probably passed out holding Judy's body, she didn't want to wake up, why would she? Judy Hale was dead, her person was dead.
“Jen!”. She wanted to tell the person to get the fuck out, I'm dead too, can't you fucking see it? I'm fucking dead.
The love of my life is dead.
How she didn't notice before?
She loved Judy Hale, maybe she always did, since the day the woman made her fall asleep after days awake that even the strongest medications couldn't fix, just by being there in the other line of the phone on the first day they met, listening to her. She loved her since the first sight of her pleading eyes asking for a hug that gave the weird sensation of wanting to do anything that the stranger in front of her asked, she almost said yes, of course you can give me a hug, could anyone on earth see those eyes almost begging to be loved, and don't feel the urge to hold her in their arms forever?
She loved Judy Hale even when she tried not to, when the words that left her mouth said “I fucking hate you” when all she could think about was “How could you do this when I love you so much?“ She loved her in a way that it was terrifying, it was terrifying the power that those eyes had on her, how the other woman could so easily see underneath the thick walls that she built around her over the years, that even Ted never could.
“Honey, please!”. Honey? How dare anyone but her call her that? She felt hands holding her shoulders and the voice calling again in a worried tone “You need to wake up!“
Judy?
She opened her eyes and instead of the cold, pale body in front of her she saw a worried Judy let it out a sight of relief while squeezing Jen's shoulders tight. Jen felt her face covered in tears and her whole body sweating cold.
“You were crying in your sleep, I was trying to wake you up, but you kept holding yourself tight and murmuring things I couldn't here, I was really worried, what happened?!”, The words left Judy's mouth quickly with her face was covered in worry.
The blonde just stared at her in silence felling the weight in her heart fall apart and the tears in her eyes fall all over again, it was really her Judy right there.
“I really thought I lost you”. She whispered while holding the girl in her arms with the fear that she would walk away again.
“Why would you lose me? I'm right here” She heard the laugh that always warms her heart like no one could and tightened the hug.
“I had really a bad dream, You told me you had c-” She stopped before the words came out, it all coming to her mind again, it wasn't all a dream. Judy had gone to the doctor in the morning for the tomography and told her by the phone that the results would come out in the end of the day, that was when Jen started drinking and passed out in the living room, what a fucking idiot.
Judy pulled out of the hug to stare into her eyes talking with a soft voice. “Jen i-”
The terrifying thought of losing her was right there again, The idea of losing Judy cut her heart like a knife, could she ever imagine living her life without the dumb idiot who often pissed her off but at the same time filled the house with happiness with a simple smile? What would be like waking up in the morning and not hearing Judy humming her favorite songs in the kitchen while making breakfast for her family? Insisting on making pancakes with faces made out of maple syrup and strawberries because she knew how Jen hated it but would eat it anyway every time, which in fact wasn't true, she didn't hate it at all, but she would never admit it to the woman. What would be like walking into Henry's bedroom at night and not finding Judy reading him bedtime stories, although Henry was probably too old for that but even him couldn't deny her anything, and Jen just knew that he loved it too. Even Charlie never complained when Judy asked to play video games with him often, she caught him smiling and laughing with her while she tried to communicate with his virtual friends using very old slangs that if it was Jen doing the same he would probably tell her she was embarrassing him.
“Judy please do not lie to me” Jen said with a pleading voice. The weight in her heart coming right back with her tears “Do not fucking lie to me about this. It's just like you to pretend that you're ok to not worry me or even the boys, but you are not gonna do this to me!” She tried with no success wipe away the tears in her eyes “You're not going through this alone, I'm right here even if you don't want to, you know? Just ask me anything and I'll do it, you always wanted a cat right? I'm gonna get you one, and then take you to some beach that I can't rant us a boat even though I'm not a really fond of that idea but I know that you'll love it, I always imagined you being one of those women who read tarot cards for people, I find it a bit stupid but I can buy you a tarot deck too, why not? Just tell me what you wanna do, and I'll do it. I'll take you to all the chemos, I'm a pro, did I tell you that I nailed it when it was my mother? Im a great company, and were gonna go through this honey, you're gonna be ok, you know right? You're the strongest person I know, a bunch of body cells can't defeat you.” Jen tried to smile over the tears running in her cheeks “You'll get better. You have to.”
“I love you Judy, I already said it a million times right? But I really do, like, in all the ways, in that specific one too, and I'm not sure when it started, I think I always did. I'm not asking you to reciprocate or something, but if there's any… If there's any chance that we don't have too much time I need you to know it, because I own you my honesty, you are one of the few people who deserves it, and who can make me feel comfortable in being vulnerable, the only person that I can admit that I'm just too soft for, I don't know, all of this? The fear of losing you, realizing that I'm in love, the thought that I'm not good enough, and I'll never be good enough for you? You have the right to know how much you meant to me, and I hate that this is the moment where I get to say it, if we had a little more time…”
In one moment she is crying and shaking her hands in the air while avoiding to look at the other woman's eyes as the words left her mouth in desperation than in the other she feels her words being suddenly interrupted by a pair of soft lips in her own mouth, while her before shaking hands were now being hold by her best friend's hands, she could feel the salty taste of both women's tears in her mouth while she felt like dreaming, and she probably was. Jen let go of Judy's hands to wrap her arms around the shorter woman's neck as her chest filled with emotions that she couldn't describe.
—
Judy stopped the kiss with a little peck in her lips while cupping her face in her hands. “Shut the fuck up, since when do you talk this much?” She pretended to be annoyed but failing as the sweetest smile broke her face with the sight of Jen's eyes staring at her “I was going to say that I'm ok, Jen, The doctor called me an hour ago, it's a benign tumor, I'm not going to leave you for a long time.” Judy almost couldn't finish her sentence before an excited Jen practically threw herself in her arms giggling and crying at the same time, if she didn't know her truly, she was gonna think that this woman giggling, since when the woman who would tell anyone to fuck off at anytime giggled? Was not Jen Harding, but she did know her, that was her Jen, her Jen that called her honey and would do anything to make her break a smile, her Jen that would put herself in front of her children to protect them even if that meant her own safety, it was that woman that she loved with her whole heart.
“Do you still love me right? Now that you know that I'm not dying or anything” Suddenly the fear that the feelings of the other woman were brought up from the rollercoaster of emotions of the days before came in her mind “Because I really love you Jen, I even thought that you already knew but pretended that you don't because it was too embarrassing, like, c'mon, the cliché of the gay girl with a Platonic crush on her best friend or something.“ Jen was now staring at her with a funny expression that make the shorter girl way more nervous “You don't need to feel pity for me and say that you do still love me ok? I'm not begging you to reciprocate, you don't need too, we can't pretend that this never happened and just go back to normal if you want.” she said gesturing with her arms in the air with desperation “It's not like I'm gonna be devastated and never cope, I can handle it I swear, I've been through a lot of heartbreaks you don't need to feel guilty either, it's ok-” Jen stopped her monologue letting a peck on her lips.
“Judy, I'm really happy and relief right now to punch you in the face but just know that if I wasn't, I would.”
The blonde said cupping a hand in her cheek.
They stared at each other in silence for a while, minutes that felt like hours, it was like a background of memories being reproduced on each woman's minds like a movie, memories of both of them since that day on the grief club to now days, they both felt like an invisible string lead them to this moment, this moment where they felt filled with love and happiness, when both of them just couldn't distinguish the moment that their friendship became something else, and it really wasn't that important at all.
“Oh my god it finally happened” both women are brought out of trance by a children's voice coming from the door.
“You own me 50 bucks” They turned around to see Charlie and Henry walking through the living room towards them.
“I'm a kid I don't have 50 bucks!” The little boy says with indignation before turning to both of them.” Mom, can you get me 50 bucks?!”
“Why would you need so much money? And what 'finally happened’?” Jen answers the little boy, not really sure that the question was directly only to her before turning to Judy with a weird expression finding out that the woman in front of her was having a lot of fun with the situation.
“Nothing, mom, we're just kidding, right Henry? We only came here to get some food on the kitchen, we're already leaving” Charlie said taking a bag of chips from one of the kitchen cabinets and handing it to Henry before both of them run out of the door again.
__
The day after
“Close your eyes!” Judy heard the voice of her girlfriend coming from another room while she was making breakfast for them and the kids.
“If I close my eyes I would probably set these house on fire, I'm making pancakes”. She shouted back and chuckled.
“Just turn off the stove and close your eyes, please, you can make your pancakes later, and please no weird faces on them!” Judy rolled her eyes but turned off the stove anyway, closing her eyes.
“Ok their closed!”. She said wondering what Jen was doing.
She felt a body approaching in front of her and knew it was her girlfriend
“Now open your ar-”
“Miaw” She heard the meowing before Jen could finish and opened her eyes in excitement to find a tiny little black fur ball in her girlfriend's hands.
“Oh fuck you, u ruined my surprise”. Jen said looking to the little cat in her hands while Judy made weird noises 'talking' to him before Jen handed it to her.
“You can't say those words to him!”. Judy said while putting both hands over the cats ears.
“Oh c'mon I haven't learned how to say fuck you in meowish yet.” Jen said rolling her eyes but hiding a smile.
“Thank you, Jen, I loved it! But you didn't have to!” Judy said while letting a kiss on her girlfriend's mouth, still not used to it but loving every one of them.
“You said once that you always wanted one, and I already knew a friend that was donating one, so I just needed to make a call”. She smiled as she watched her girlfriend play with the little cat on the kitchen balcony. “What's his name?” She said as the cat tried to stand and tap Judy's fingers with his paws
“… I think…He's name is Nemo.” Judy gave her a proud smile and petted the cat that purred in her hands
“Like on Finding Nemo? You're not calling a fucking cat Nemo!” The woman let out with a disgusted face.
“Why not? It's cute.” she brought the cat close to her face while staring at her girlfriend.
“Nemo is a fish, and what does cat fucking eats? Fish” Jen said like it was obvious and turned on the stove to finish breakfast since she knew that Judy wouldn't let go of that kitten anytime soon.
“No he doesn't” Judy said with eyebrows furrowed and hold Nemo closer like Jen just had made an insult to him.
“All right, Nemo it is, the cat isn't mine anyways.” She smiled in surrender.
“Of course it is! If we're a couple you're his mother too, are you going to traumatize him forever on his first day of adoption?” She put her hands over Nemo's ears again.
“Oh my god I really don't know why do I love you.” Jen put a pancake in front of Judy and leaned in for a kiss.
“It's because I make your cold heart softer!” She cupped Jen's face in her hands and kissed the blonde lady, feeling like nothing that she ever felt could compare to the emotions in her chest at the moment, she definitely would need much more time to get used to the feeling of Jen's lips on hers or the way her heart skips a beat every time she hears the other woman saying “I love you”.
Or maybe they'll never get used to it all.