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It took three betrayals for me to finally understand:
The world is just an elaborate tapestry of lies.
My fury will never be quelled
The first to betray me was a god
My creator... my mother
Valuing strength above all, she saw no worth in me, and I was discarded.
T he second was a human
My family... my friend
Consumed by fear, he saw me as an abomination
The third was one exactly like me
A hope for the future... a fledgling barely out of the nest
Powerless before his mortality, he broke his promise to me.
The bitter Shnezhnayan cold seemed worse tonight as you hurried back home after your late night patrol. You open your door. On nights like these, your house seemed darker, more quiet and unlived in, the only telltale sign of life being the lack of settled dust. Making your way towards your room, getting ready to announce your arrival to your partner, Scaramouche, who was usually still awake at this time. Because of Scaramouche being the 6th of the eleven Fatui Harbingers, your mutual attraction seemed to leave everyone wondering how you, a normal diplomat, snuck your way past this mans heavily guarded heart.
Upon entering your shared bedroom, you halted, peering deep into the partially moonlit room to see a blanked out look on your boyfriend's face. Episodes like these happened a lot- some, such as this time, were worse than others. Caused by the trauma of his past pain and betrayals, temporarily locking him inside a mental prison. Slowly walking over to your side of the bed, as to not startle him, you sink down onto the mattress to listen in on his whispered mutters, catching only a bit of it.
"They don't love me"
"They'll betray me in the end. They always do"
Hearing those words made your breath catch in your throat. It hurt to hear the thoughts he had voiced out loud, especially the ones you were trying so hard to protect him from. The first time you had ever experienced one of these episodes with him, he had lashed out at you, calling you every horrible word and name under the sun. However, you were persistent and calm, staying with him throughout the entire thing, denying his protests and disapproval of your actions. After about 2 hours of this, his body slumped into your embrace, almost seeking it.
"If I told you about the darkness inside of me... would you continue to look at me like I'm the sun?" You nodded gently.
So then he began talking, telling you of his past, of how he was betrayed again, and again, and again. How he felt that the world hated him, so he denounced it. How he wanted to scrub away every last trace of human emotion from his chest until it was empty, a blank slate. How he loathed the gods, how humans cannot be trusted. You could only listen as he spoke, making a silent promise to yourself that you would never let him go through this again.
He was like snow: cold to the touch but so beautiful regardless. Frozen in a time that you feel you would never fully be able to comprehend.
Nights like these rendered Scaramouche hopeless as well as helpless. His trauma and intrusive thoughts sneaking up on him like a predator, snagging him before he has the chance to run away. Tossing and turning in your shared bed, the memories of betrayal and pain eating away at him. He had mentally registered your arrival, however, in his current state, he was unable to break free from the mental prison he was confined to. That was until he felt warmth in his cheek: your hand, using your thumb to gently caress his cheekbone as he blinked through the blur of his tears. As the tears rolled down his cheeks, you wiped them away tenderly.
"Zushi? I'm here, my love. I'm not going anywhere okay?" You whispered softly, coming closer to him so that you could embrace him more. Your words spurred lost emotions from inside him: safety, comfort, peace, love. Clutching onto your hand, he felt compelled to speak his thoughts, knowing you would listen, if not being the only person who would.
"All my grief says the same thing, you know?" He starts, swallowing thickly as he tries to gain even an ounce of composure,"- this isn't how it's supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to be betrayed by my creator, my mother. I wasn't supposed to be feared by my family, my friend. He wasn't supposed to break his promise. He was hope. He was the future. He was a child." Kunikuzushi's lip quivered as a choked sob came out. "And just as I had laughed in its face, the world laughs, holds my hope by my throat and says: but this is how it is. And I think that's the thing about grief: it's not supposed to be like this, but it is."
Your heart clenched at the pain in your lover's voice, laced in every word that left his mouth. You reached over to angle his face towards yours, both hands on either side of his face. Leaning to touch your forehead to his, you whisper just enough for him to hear.
"My love, you are not defined by your past, by the betrayal, the pain you have felt or the scars you bare. My darling you hold so much sadness in your eyes, I can almost touch the scars of your soul and cry." You place a kiss on his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, nose and finally his lips. And then you continued. "But I will cry with you, I will cry for you. I will love you and I will love for you when you feel like you can't bare to handle the strength of such an emotion. You are strong. You are worth more than you could ever imagine. I'm not going anywhere even if you wanted me to, okay? You are not alone in this battle. Please, let me be here for you."
He looked at you, your figure illuminated by the moonlight pouring in from the window behind you, casting a glowing haze around you. You looked like an angel. He loathed the gods but he suddenly felt thankful to them for having sent you here, to him of all people. You were like fire: warm, a light he never thought he would ever see again in his darkened and hollow heart. However, he was now no longer afraid to be burned, to be consumed by your flames, by the love that burned so fiercely everytime he looked into your eyes. So he kissed you. He kissed you so hard that he could swear that your warmth would start a fire in his stone cold heart. Melting away his fears, worries and doubts with a lick of a flame.Your love for eachother burning brightly, pulling eachother so close that you no longer knew where either of you started or ended, a raging inferno that would set the world ablaze.