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It began like this: a boy fell into a trance upon hearing a girl's voice. The girl spoke so little, yet meant so much. She spoke so little, but it was everything she could say to sustain his attention. She didn't know she didn't have to do anything to make him focus on her, not when he had fixed his needle-sharp awareness on her since the beginning.
She would do anything to prolong her time with him. He knew. And he let her.
"Han-Ju-min. Like this?"
"I didn't expect you to say my name. You're quite bold for someone new."
"A name is just a name."
"Not when it comes to mine."
A nervous laugh. "So, how's my voice?"
"Let's see, how should I put it? Some people's voice is like the sound of glass being smashed. It irritates the eardrum. However, yours floats above it. It's soothing and fine, as pleasant as Elizabeth the Third's meows. Simply put, it doesn't bother me and I wouldn't mind listening to it again."
This time, he also knew she would let him go. And he would let her.
It was the last thing he could do to make her happy.
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Jumin could feel the ending coming as you made your way to him. A kind of premonition, your gait was. He had felt it when his birth mother bade her final farewell. No kisses, no hugs, just a simple command to stay put. Never once did he expect her to come back. He was easy to abandon and he understood that early on. The love extended to him somehow always had an expiration date.
This wasn't all that different.
The opposite of love was indifference. If it hurt you to leave him, that meant you still loved him. But it also meant you were all the crueller for abandoning the person you loved. If it did not, then you were the opposite of Jumin.
In this case, love was synonymous with hurt. That statement alone should be the reason for your breakup, because why would anyone equal love with pain? But there was no right course to choose. Every path led to misery. You simply opted for the quickest one. Gravels cut through your bare feet, but Jumin would be safe from the storm that followed you wherever you went. Block off the passage, and he wouldn't be able to follow you.
You were nothing like Jumin.
You stood before him. Countless mornings you had stood like this when you adjusted his tie and hugged him before he left for work. You had stood like this when your eyes were heavy with sleep and he came to you, kissed your forehead and informed you that breakfast was ready.
"Pancake again?"
"Do you prefer something else? Just tell me what you want and I'll ask the chef to draft the recipe."
"That's fine. I like your pancakes. In fact, why don't we make some together next time?"
"You always produce brilliant ideas. That'd be a great way to spend quality time together. Come eat now, darling. You don't want to be late."
There was no next time.
Jumin standing before you hollow-eyed was beautiful, agonising, untouchable. It was a memory you would use to beat yourself up in the future. You loved him once, you remembered. But it was just a recalling of a feeling. You didn't know how to feel it again.
You couldn't find your voice.
"I know," Jumin said, beating you to it.
He always knew your mind.
"Let me say it anyway."
"Do you have to?"
You nodded.
"Are you doing this because you want to make it feel real?"
"It's been real for a while now." Your expression was so contrite that he wanted to decline hearing it even more.
Jumin shook his head but kept his eyes on you. He wanted to commit everything about you into his memory before he lost you forever. It wouldn't be long now. Everything he loved had an expiration date. Losing them multiple times did not make the experience less harrowing.
You took a deep breath, but it didn't help you breathe easier. "I don't love you anymore. I'm sorry."
"I know that too."
The silence stretched, the distance pushed you far, far away from him. You did it. You'd done it, so why wasn't there relief in your heart? You felt nothing, as if nothing had suffused into your bones a long time ago, unnoticeable until it choked you and became you and that was all you were now.
If you touched him for one last time, would he flinch? You wanted to, but you weren't that cruel. The hurt you inflicted on him was enough to last for a lifetime. His life had meant nothing before you, and he couldn't fathom if it could mean anything after you.
Jumin, Jumin, Jumin. The way you called out his name still echoed in his ears. When was the last time you said it with affection? How could he have forgotten? It used to be an everyday routine until suddenly, your tone went cold. He couldn't detect the exact moment he started to lose you. He wasn't sure he wanted to.
His memory was a quality he was proud of until this second.
But really, you weren't cold. In other people's eyes, you might be, but you could never stop caring. Not with Jumin. You just stopped loving, like a radio winding down. Words constantly repeated would lose their meaning. This was the same.
At least, that was what you convinced yourself.
"This isn't how love stories end in soap operas." Jumin's voice cracked. His last attempt to salvage the relationship. Hold my hand, his reluctant arm gesture seemed to say. Hold me.
You wished you could cry, but you couldn't. There was no love left for him. You felt wretched for wrecking him, but it was better than forcing him to stay with someone who could no longer cry for him.
"Say my name," he pleaded.
"Jumin," you complied.
"Tell me you love me."
"I thought you prefer painful truths over comforting lies."
"Just because it's no longer a truth doesn't mean I cannot pretend it is. It used to be one, so please."
You nodded in understanding. "I love you."
It was a sentence devoid of anything. Jumin cracked inside. Funny how a weightless thing could damage him so greatly.
You wavered between walking to the door and embracing him one last time. The deed was done. You should go before he fell apart. You knew he would. Then, he would fill the gaping space with mindless distractions, trying to shape it back into something akin to you, or something opposite of you. Wine or work, those were his vices. He would become the robot he despised to be.
"You should leave," Jumin said, but his heart chanted for you to stay for another night. Just one more night. Just tonight. He could show you how he was still worthy to be loved and your love would be reignited. Then everything would be fine.
"I should." If he begged you to stay, maybe you would. But it would be out of sympathy, and it would only hurt him more in the end. Nothing was going to change your heart. You wouldn't be here if your heart were so changeable.
Everything felt jarring. Perhaps after you got out of this penthouse, the gravity of your action would dawn on you and you would break. You had loved him, after all. You never hated him, so nothing could take away the fondness you reserved for all the goodness that was Jumin.
"You've been so good to me." You were delaying your departure. This, he knew.
"You deserve everything good. Maybe you'll find it in someone other than me, although I confess I do not want it to be so."
"And there will be another person who can love you better."
"Not if I can help it. And I can."
You wanted to step closer to Jumin. You stayed still. "Don't be so ruthless to yourself."
"I'd rather keel over for you than live in idiotic happiness with someone else." Jumin moved towards you, languidly, grievously, with none of the confidence he normally contained.
"Foolish happiness is still happiness," you breathed out.
"I don't want to love a beautiful fool when I've known what your exceptional mind can bring."
You used to be his strength, but now you were his weakness.
There was nothing left to say. Jumin's eyes were streaked with red, brimming with unshed tears and you had to battle your instinct to lean in and wipe them away. It was not your place anymore, and that was your own doing.
Jumin would not let the tears fall. If he cried, he knew it would be harder for you to go. You always had a soft spot for him. Even when you had stopped loving him, Jumin never doubted your sincerity and concern. You were such a good person. He didn't want you to crumble when all you wanted was to leave. Even when it hurt, he still wanted to make things easier for you.
Watching him break down. That was your vice.
Jumin closed his eyes and nodded, allowing you to leave. You were not unfeeling, so you gave him the grace to grieve alone. You turned around. Jumin thought he was giving you freedom. You suspected you just threw yourself into another hell, but that could only be confirmed after this was over. Your footsteps against the cold marble floor had never sounded so loud.
He had loved you for a very long time, and you had undone him in a very short time. Where you left him, he would forever stay. The door loomed before you. You would not look back. You would not look back. You would not—
Oh, look at the destruction you had caused. He was broken, and so alone.