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Jumin was getting married and you were not going to be his bride.
There was a time when standing beside him on the altar would be a possibility, but at this time, you were destined to watch him from the side of the aisle, clapping for him, listening to whispers of how beautiful his bride was, and how lovestruck and tearful he looked. At this time, the impossible had happened. He had moved on from you. He had found someone whom he would keel over in happiness for.
You watched him watching her. This was what you wanted. This was what you had chosen.
But your breath caught when you saw Jumin hold the bride's hand, not because of his display of affection, but for the tiny detail that no one seemed to notice. The secret gesture meant just for the two of them, his thumb brushing her skin in a slow circular motion and how she could breathe easier after. It was a gesture he used to do with you.
Did it mean anything to you then? Was it a perfunctory motion that you took for granted or was it something you took comfort in? You couldn't remember—it had been years since you broke up with him.
It had been years, and you were still here.
When they were pronounced as husband and wife, everyone in the ballroom held their breath. When they kissed, the crowd erupted and the cameras flashed. You applauded too, grateful that Jumin found someone who would love him and stand by him forever. You knew you couldn't be that person for him, but there was no satisfaction in being proven right. Your lips wobbled and you pressed them together into a firm line.
Under the glittering glass dome at night, the married couple performed their first dance together. Hands on waist and shoulders and forehead on each other's, they swayed to a romantic tune played by the live orchestra. The bride and the groom were an exquisite pair. They had their attention on no one but each other, speaking with their eyes in a language familiar only to them. The smile, the occasional laughter, the embrace.
Then impossibly, Jumin's eyes flitted to the crowd and spotted you. Had you been younger and more excitable, your heart would have skipped a beat. But there was nothing exciting about this, though it was nothing dreadful either. You smiled and gave your best reassuring nod. He smiled back—not the admiring type reserved for his wife, but a gentle one that spoke of the camaraderie from the olden times.
He mirrored your nod and shifted his attention to his wife. One last spin and the dance was concluded. When Jumin made his way with her to you, fingers linked together, you found that your knees were locked. "Allow me to introduce you to our esteemed coordinator of RFA, my dear," said Jumin.
You shook their hands. "Congratulations to both of you. The dance was marvellous, and look at you!" You turned to the bride. "That gown fits you so well. You're beautiful."
"Thank you, I had to stop Jumin from blasting 'Beautiful in White' when he first saw me." She laughed. "I've heard a lot of good things about your work. This guy here got nothing but praise for you."
"You deserve the serenade." You chuckled. "And I was under regular threats to be kicked out of the organisation if I didn't do well, so I didn't exactly have a choice."
"There was always a choice," Jumin interjected. "You could've abandoned us, but you chose to stay."
Did you, though? Sure, you stayed, but you also left them in shambles. Your breakup strained your relationship with RFA. And by falling out of love, you abandoned Jumin. The guilt followed you around even when you could see how much happier he had become.
This regret had more to do with you being unable to leave things behind rather than wanting him back. Jumin was right. You couldn't abandon people and live with yourself. Wasn't that one of the reasons you ended up here at this wedding? You were chasing your own tail, hoping that one day you could bite it off but never dared to. You were afraid of what would happen if you could actually catch it.
But you kept those thoughts locked inside your head and chirped lightly, "As I said, I was threatened."
Jumin eyed you, then decided to play along. "That just means you have proven that you work well under pressure."
It was a familiar compliment, but it somehow felt wrong to hear, like putting on a worn-out shirt that made you slip into another time where you didn't belong. It wasn't yours to bask in anymore.
His wife touched his arm. "See what I mean? I'll leave you two to catch up. It's time for me to be the celebrity among my friends." She glanced at the group of people waiting for her across the room, phones and cameras ready at their disposal.
Jumin kissed her forehead. "Show me the pictures later, love."
After she left, the two of you were left with a chasm so wide that you had no clue how to cross it. What could fill the untouched silence that had stretched on for years? After your breakup, you only approached Jumin for charity-related issues, and he respected the line you drew. You kept things formal. You kept your distance. He kept his heart from being broken by you again.
Jumin broke the silence first. "You look radiant. I don't recall you ever wearing your hair like that."
You touched your hair and tucked the flying strands behind your ear. "Thank you, it's a new thing I'm trying."
"Innovative. It looks good on you."
"I know, you've said it twice already," you quipped.
Jumin looked at you with a strange wistfulness, so you chuckled to brush it away and were relieved when he did the same. "Right, I did," he gave in. "I appreciate you attending my wedding tonight. I wasn't sure you would come."
"It wouldn't be right if I didn't attend just because of our history. It's been a long time ago, and I still care about everyone in the RFA."
"If that's the case, then I understand. The RFA is important to me too, although I'm not sure where the rest of the members are right now." Jumin craned his neck to spot anyone with striking mint, silver, red, or blond hair, or even the brunette woman that he saw at the office every day but failed to find them.
"They're probably hoarding the buffet or making very good use of the photo booth," you guessed.
"I wouldn't be surprised," he said.
You lapsed into another silence. Had it always been this difficult to talk to Jumin? You never had to rummage through superficial niceties before. You expected him to be uncomfortable, but he was merely watching you, studying you with the same intensity he always possessed.
You cleared your throat. "The decorations are splendid, by the way. You have good taste in design." You waved at the floral arrangement on the pillars nearby and the chandelier above.
"I used to read this fairytale picture book when I was a child. It featured a magnificent wedding venue like this and I wanted to recreate it. Fortunately, my wife is fond of the idea and let me live out my childhood dream." Jumin glanced at her entertaining the guests on the other side of the room, his gaze tender and adoring.
You doubted he knew what kind of expression he was wearing. Did he use to look at you with as much love too? The answer didn't matter now. "You've always had great ideas, Jumin. I'd be more surprised if you couldn't make this happen."
"You're kind to say that," commented Jumin. "I knew it. You haven't changed that much. You've always been a nice person."
Was not changing something to be proud of? You had been the same for years, stuck in the same place while everyone was progressing in their life. Look at Jumin, look at how happy he was. You were desperate to get out of the empty husk that you caged yourself in. You wanted to be free from those sleepless nights. You wanted to breathe again.
"A nice person wouldn't hurt you like I did," you said quietly.
Jumin stepped closer to you, voice firm. "Do you think just because someone is nice, they have to do nice things all the time? That's a rather extreme belief to adopt. When you asked for a breakup, you worded it as gently as possible. You didn't just leave without an explanation. You still cared for my feelings even when you thought you were doing something awful. A bad person wouldn't do that."
You blinked and huffed out a laugh. "I can't believe you used that as the example."
"After we broke up, it was all I was worried about. I knew you, and I was afraid you would beat yourself up over it." Jumin's tone had dropped low enough that nobody but you could hear his words.
"And I was worried you would isolate yourself and close yourself off from everyone. But you're here now, so all is well." The smile you gave him was a genuine one. You were happy for him, no matter how remorseful you were.
"Life has an interesting way to play out," Jumin agreed. He seemed deep in thought before adding, "But you didn't ruin my life. Being with you was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. You were there during my first fallout with my father. You were there when Elizabeth the Third ran away. You were also there when I struggled to undo the knots strangling me my whole life. In all my pivotal moments, I wasn't alone because you never left me."
You took a deep shuddering breath. "How do you still know the right things to say?" It was as astonishing as it was bittersweet how well he could read you.
"The time we spent together wasn't just nothing to me. However brief it was, you were still the first person who loved me for me. I'm happy that I had the opportunity to know you, and even more grateful that you let me in."
You didn't know gratitude could sound so poignant. "You were also the first person who could accept me as I was. I'm sorry for hurting you."
"Don't apologise. There's nothing you could do about a change of heart, and I'm quite content with how things turn out." Jumin reached for your hand and squeezed it. You could feel the cold band of his wedding ring against your skin. "Stop punishing yourself for doing what you did when you did it for yourself. I could only bear to let you go because your happiness mattered to me."
You stared at his hand covering yours, wondering how you could have fallen out of love with someone like him, and how even his affirmations couldn't bring your heart to flutter again. "Your wife is lucky to have you. You're such a good person, Jumin. I wish everyone could see that."
Jumin smiled and said nothing, looking at you with the same gentleness that used to bring you comfort. Your memories of him might have faded, but you remembered how peaceful it was while it lasted. How your principal emotion with Jumin was always joy before it seeped away from your grasp. How much impact you had on each other during that short time, and how both of you had carried it to your present.
There was nothing you wanted more for him than being loved and accepted by the person he loved, especially if that someone couldn't be you. This was the man who always had a spare pair of slippers ready because he knew your feet would hurt after hours of wearing heels. This was the man who would express gratitude for you in a hundred different ways when you didn't think you had done anything to deserve them. He had loved you so, so much. His happiness mattered a lot to you too.
You patted his shoulder with your free hand. "I'll let you go back to your wife now. She must be waiting for you."
Jumin nodded. "Thank you for coming again. I had a grand time talking with you."
You smiled. "So did I."
Jumin bowed and let go of your hand. You waited until he joined his wife, wrapping an arm around her waist, never looking back at you, before turning away.
It was time for you to leave too.